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Original poster

how much does someones past matter?

37 replies

teaandcoffeetogethertastebad · 28/02/2014 19:53

After a lovely 3 days away with my DP I've been left feeling insecure about his past. Obviously we both have one and I accept that but a few things keep infiltrating my mind. They all occurred before he met so I dont know why I feel so effected. Firstly he gambled away his money and lost his house about 7 years ago resulting in the breakdown of his marriage. He now lived with his brother and cant get credit or have anything in his own name. The other 2 things are he took recreational drugs on 3 separate occasions and he had sex with a prostitute when on a stag weekend abroad. Since being with me he has been nothing other than responsible and loving although he admits to being all or nothing. Im worried he may repeat his behaviour when he is with me or am I just being insecure?

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 28/02/2014 19:58

Hmmm I'd personally find those things totally clashed with my values.

strongagain1985 · 28/02/2014 19:59

I don't think you are being insecure. I would feel exactly the same as you in these circumstances. Listen to your gut instinct.

shakinstevenslovechild · 28/02/2014 20:01

The drugs on 3 occassions, wouldn't be a problem for me, although I would be making sure it was all in the past as he obviously has an addtion problem.

I could 100% never be with anyone who had been with a prostitute, that says a lot about the way he views women.

Since he was married for 7 years I imagine he was responsible and lovely to his wife for a few years before he gambled all their money away. It would make me very wary about getting involved, if you move in together and start merging finances then it could be your credit rating on the line.

Cabrinha · 28/02/2014 20:12

You feel affected because the past is usually a pretty good indicator of the future.
Chuck him back in the sea - there is better out there.
Having been married to an arsehole who used prostitutes, I can tell you it's awful -and I believe his first time was on a boys' trip to Amsterdam.
There are men who think it's disgusting to use women for sex. That it was abroad (?) or on a stag makes no difference. Check out the stats on how many women in prostitution are trafficked. That's what your "D"P was prepared to do - use a woman who had a significant chance of being there unwillingly.
And even if genuinely willing - he buys sex. Nice.
He sounds horrible.

DIYapprentice · 28/02/2014 20:17

Since being with me he has been nothing other than responsible and loving although he admits to being all or nothing.

He's told you what he is like - listen to him!!!!! Right now, while everything is going well with you he is 'all'. The moment something is not right, he won't fight to keep things going, he will just go to 'nothing'. You don't want someone like that in your life.

Original poster
teaandcoffeetogethertastebad · 28/02/2014 20:22

He also had a child at the time of the gambling. He said he did it to try and improve their life but I dont know why as they both have good jobs. Ive no intentions of merging anything with him. Part of me is just fed up of always thinking and talking about money. Im not rich at all and I have been paying off a loan but when im with him I always choose the cheapest place to eat etc. Sometimes id like to be a bit more frivolous as I can afford it for both of us but I know he wont take from me so we go back to the same places. Its the addictive part of his character that is worrying me and I wonder what our future holds

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandcoffeetogethertastebad · 28/02/2014 20:25

You have hit the nail on the head DIY. I haven't been listening to what he is telling me what he is like. He has told me exactly who he is.

OP posts:
HelenHen · 28/02/2014 20:25

Many people have dodgy pasts but have learned from them. Recreational drugs are pretty common, once it's in the past and obviously wasn't a problem! The gambling is weird one... Prostitute would be a deal breaker for me though... I've been to Amsterdam and was disgusted by the men in pubs mouthing off to eachother about what they'd been up to... Seriously it was disgusting!

Offred · 28/02/2014 20:27

Depends on the seriousness of your relationship, what your values are and whether you can trust him.

If the relationship is not serious I'd sack him off - more trouble than he's worth and you can do better.

If your values are different sack him off because you're not compatible.

If you can't trust him you would have to sack him off because you can't have a relationship without trust.

If the relationship is serious, he has now changed his values and is very sorry and has lived his life for a while independent of you and as a changed man and you feel you can trust him then perhaps you could make an informed choice to stick at it.

For me, based on my values, I could never be with a man who had bought sex even if he had reformed. Or one who put his children in jeopardy.

RedFocus · 28/02/2014 20:50

People change and learn from past mistakes. I know because I have made some horrendous mistakes and I've learnt from them and would never repeat them.
The gambling thing is something he will have to battle with for the rest of his life and will always feel bad about because he ruined his marriage and lost his house over it.
The drugs was only 3 times and it's not as if he had or has an addiction.
The prostitute was clearly not his finest moment and if he is genuinely disgusted with himself over it then it's not something I would beat him over the head about.
Men and women watch pornography and it's the norm in many people's lives but this often goes hand in hand with trafficking, drugs and gun crime and also it's demeaning to women.
Any who this stuff happened in the past and he has (as far as you know) been honest and open about it. I wouldn't flick someone to the side because of some dodgy stuff in the past as it's the present and the future what counts and besides if everyone did that then I wouldn't be married now and I promise you I am a normal, faithful mother and wife.

Cabrinha · 28/02/2014 21:01

Uh?
He had a child to improve their lives but you don't know why because they both had good jobs?
What on earth does that mean?
Do only people with shit jobs find children enriching then?

SarahBumBarer · 28/02/2014 21:04

I think you will find that what OP meant was that he gambled to try and improve the lives of his family including his child.

EirikurNoromaour · 28/02/2014 21:06

Those things really matter. I would not continue in a relationship with someone who had a gambling problem or paid a person for sex. It would be completely incompatible with me as a person. The gambling is just too much of a risk for the future.

Original poster
teaandcoffeetogethertastebad · 28/02/2014 21:07

The relationship is becoming serious. I do believe he is upfront and honest with me to date. He is consumed with guilt about not being a good father and makes huge efforts to be a constant in his childs life. Im going to think over this. Ive made some very big mistakes in my life too and ive changed.

OP posts:
YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 21:12

It would matter to me. I am sure people learn from their mistakes but those are fairly major mistakes Confused

I'd be more forgiving if someone did wrong something as a teen rather than an adult.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 21:13

The fact he said he gambled for noble reasons makes it worse! He is trying to excuse what he did.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 21:14

Sorry, I meant that the fact he 'says' he gambled for noble reasons makes it worse. Blush

DameFanny · 28/02/2014 21:16

Gambling. Drugs. Prostitutes.

The man has a history of poor impulse control and absent morals.

Do you have a martyr complex or are you readyfor a grown up relationship?

ParsleyTheLioness · 28/02/2014 21:32

What Shakin said. Also, my XH would appear to be a 'good' father to our DD . He wasn't when he was here.... too little too late, and he lapses into being abusive with her now, so this may be something you don't see. Would be interesting to here his X wife's take...

Bookbagexplosion · 28/02/2014 21:47

While on the one hand it is great that he has told you all his past "demons", there is no way on earth I think you should continue this relationship.

Excluding the prostitutes, you are basically talking about my ex in a few years time. I could have got over the drug taking as a stage of life etc etc, but the gambling is what ruined our relationship, and had we not split up when we did, would have ruined my, and my children's, life.

In fact, re-reading your OP, it sounds like this is what happened to his ex. If he lost their house 7 years ago, then so did she and their child Sad. By the way, his excuse re gambling is rubbish. He gambled because he was / is a gambling addict and he obviously hasn't faced up to it if this is how he presents it people.

Even if you really really really like him, my advice would be to leave while you can. Good luck.

Twinklestein · 28/02/2014 21:53

I don't think you're insecure OP, but I think you may have low expectations. A gambling problem, like any addiction, is for life.
The fact that he's trying to pass off addiction as altruism - for the benefit of his child - indicates someone who has not taken full responsibility for his behaviour. And as you say he had a good job, the excuse is clearly bollocks.

Gambling, prostitutes - surely you can do better?

Cabrinha · 28/02/2014 21:59

SarahBumBarer - thanks! Re-read and it makes perfect sense now!
(the sentence, not the gambling)

Bowlersarm · 28/02/2014 21:59

The only problem I'd have is the gambling the house away.

Drugs I could live with.

Sleeping with a prostitute I'd live with.

it's too personsal OP.

All of us would accept different things. It's too diverse.

Don't ask a bunch of strangers on the Internet, about something so important and so personal. Make your own mind up.

thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw · 28/02/2014 22:19

I would call off a relationship with someone who was so reckless as to lose the family home.

anapitt · 28/02/2014 22:50

I have made terrible mistakes and am now truly reformed