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Original poster

MIL and WebCam

34 replies

WinkyWinkola · 09/08/2006 19:55

I don't get on with my MIL. She's controlling, needy, bitchy and obsessed with my son (16 months).

She thinks grandparenting is her second chance to be a parent. She got pretty annoyed with me when I disagreed with her parenting opinions and refused to do things her when my son was born.

Since I've put my foot down, she is just pretty bitchy whenever we see her but I ignore her as she just a stupid woman who has nothing else to do but stew, rant and bitch about other people who don't invite her to their parties or weddings or her daughter who is pretty firm with her too.

Now, I've never liked the idea of webcams. I simply don't want one in my home. She's just got one and has said she's going to send me one for my birthday.

We've already talked about webcams and she knows I don't want one but she wants us to have one so she can see her grandson whenever she wants. I feel this is disrespecting my wishes in my own home. It is my home afterall. We try to see them as often as possible but it's a long drive (minimum 3.5 hours on a good day) and I don't really think hauling my child up and down the motorway is the best thing for him.

If they send me a webcam for my birthday (I've told them already I don't want any presents), what should I do? Send it back? Take it back to the shop? I want to handle this diplomatically but with the end result that I don't have to have this camera in my home.

I've got a pretty short fuse as far as MIL is concerned as she keeps pushing boundaries so I'd like to be able to handle this one with adult aplomb, if that's at all possible.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

WinkyWinkola

OP posts:

southeastastra · 09/08/2006 19:57

that's quite bad, she sounds awful

southeastastra · 09/08/2006 19:58

though you could pre-arrange times to go online with her

ChandraVilla · 09/08/2006 20:01

Ask her to set it up for you if she has to do all the work soon she will feel the thing is too fiddlesome to continue, having to do it herself all the time will deterr even the most obstinate grandparent.

MaloryFascinatorTowers · 09/08/2006 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChandraVilla · 09/08/2006 20:03

Forget about setting times to be online, we did it with MIL and it only made it impossible for us to have freedom during the weekend and she was always fuming if DS didn't want to sit and look at the thing for more than a few seconds, for a child that age granny is simply not there.

CitizenFranny · 09/08/2006 20:04

My sister tried this on us for similar reasons. and I said that we valued our privacy and would not use it even if she paid for and installed it (as she was wanting to do). When she pursued it I said very plainly that dp was totally against the idea and would not even consider it. This got the message across hopefully without too many hurt feelings. I do tend to pass the buck on things like this saying "oh dp wouldn't like it" as then I hope they will not take it as being personal from me

CitizenFranny · 09/08/2006 20:06

Oh if she buys it, I would thank her for her thoughtfulness, but say as you and dh have discussed the idea thoroughly and decided that you are not comfortable with having one, would she like to have it herself or is there someone else she would like to give it to?

PigeonPie · 09/08/2006 20:08

I can really understand your not wanting to receive the webcam - principles and all that, so can't solve that one!

We do have one which we use to talk to my PIL through Skype. The great thing is that you don't have to answer it if you don't want to, and quite often I don't as I always prefer DH to be around when we speak to them.

On the positive side, it does mean that they see DS more regularly than they would otherwise as they live 300 miles away. The other thing we do is have the conversation just before bathtime so that there's a good cut off point

proudofmyboobs · 09/08/2006 20:08

Yes, but OTOH if she sends it, you install it, and ds only sits for 3 seconds... what's the point Just let her send you the thing (keeps her happy) and when ds doesn't sit for her to gawp at him , then it's not your fault

Saying that, a webcam would be preferable than driving 3hours to see her!

WigWamBam · 09/08/2006 20:09

Tell her that you don't believe that webcams are appropriate modes of communication for a 16 month old - it's not as if he can hold a meaningful conversation with her.

Give her a photo - she could see that as often as she wants and it would be just as responsive as a 16 month old on a webcam!

AmhatmaGhandi · 09/08/2006 20:16

I use a webcam, purely for Nanny-benefit. Like Pigeonpie we also use Skype so the call has to be answered... it can never be "snoop-cam", if that were even possible. Generally speaking it is pre-organised at a set time as Nanny lives in NZ so it has to be.
I'm really glad of the opportunity to share DS with his Nanny, but my vision is coloured by the fact I love my DPs mum.
If you can minimise such encounters somehow (say once a week for your own sanity say) you could maybe, as someone else has mentioned, perhaps have the desirable knock on effect of limiting visits?

southeastastra · 09/08/2006 20:21

you could always tell her the pcs down if you don't fancy it

heavenis · 09/08/2006 20:24

Put black tape over the lense.

Kathlean · 09/08/2006 20:25

Personally I don't think that this is too much of an issue to be graceful and give in over.

She is his grandmother and probably loves him to bits despite how she acts. Would it really be too hard to agree a 5 minute slot once a week? Your husband could sit with your son and talk to her while you run his evening bath so that you have a definite cut off like other people suggest.

The rest of the time the webcam can be off and will not have any impact on your life.

PigeonPie · 09/08/2006 20:34

Also, when our webcam isn't in use, we turn it away pointing to the wall, which I'm happier about.

SimonBolivarCusack · 09/08/2006 20:42

re the sitting still problem - we do our webcam conversations with the in-laws over DD's dinner, there is no way she'd be anywhere near otherwise. Also she can eat and look at them at the same time, it's enough entertainment like that (it wouldn't be if it was just them blethering on)

the advantage is, I feel it takes the pressure of us to feel that we ought to visit more often than we do so that might be worth bearing in mind

I'm not saying you should do it, but she won't actually be able to see him whenever she wants - you can only have the webcam conversation if you accept her invitation, and if you do it via MSN Messenger you can easily make it look like you're offline even when you're not. And of course you can always ignore her inviting you and say you were out of the room/in the garden etc. if she hassles you.

OwainGlyndwr · 09/08/2006 20:44

I agree with kathlean

Will it kill you to let a loving grandmother watch her grandchild for half an hour a day?

You can always switch it off, you'd have the power not you

Be glad she loves her grandchild and wants to be part of their life

gladbag · 09/08/2006 20:49

My MIL gave us a webcam for Christmas. It wasn't discussed beforehand, but was given with the message that it was specifically so that she could chat with ds, then aged about 18 months (in addition to the daily phonecalls and emails). I was silently fuming as I hated it - felt like an invasion of privacy for some reason, and I left the whole business for dh to deal with (wimp that I am). It was really fiddly to set up, and once it was working ds wouldn't keep still for long enough, and wasn't in the slightest bit interested (cue poor dh holding a struggling, cross toddler and trying to get him to talk), and then it kept not working properly, and after a few months of hassle the whole thing has gently been forgotten. Ds now (at 2.6) chats on the phone to his grandma quite happily, and the webcam is never mentioned.

Not much help, but just an example of what may well happen if the webcam goes ahead. You have my complete sympathies.

Angeliz · 09/08/2006 20:54

I would just be totally honest.
Say that you don't like Webcams and don't want your ds to use one. You will keep her updated with photos. Or ask her to get you some video thing for putting lots of pics to music to. Like Memories on T.V or something.

I would not back down if you've already told her that you don't want one. It's your home as you say.

HappyDaddy · 10/08/2006 11:15

Being an adult would mean you are honest and straightforward with her. No need to make up stories or lies, that's just silly. If you want her to respect you, act in a way that requires her to respect you.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 11/08/2006 20:32

Thanks very much for all the solid advice.

I reckon being straightforward is the best policy. I just don't like the idea of a camera in my home. It's not really anything to do with them - I've never been keen on this. It might seem churlish to send back a present in the post though! Or to change it for something else.

Also, with regards to suggestions about being grateful she's interested in our boy, we've had a very difficult relationship since my baby was born with MIL treading on my toes even from 300 miles away.

I guess it's hard to be grateful that she's interested in her grandson when she keeps coming out with negative and catty comments about my parenting. I just hope that she holds her tongue when he's old enough to understand that we don't get on. I'm still not convinced that I should have to put up with her!

WinkyWinkola

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 11/08/2006 23:21

i don't think you have to accept the webcam. you've told her you don't want it. so if she gives it to you, i'd just not get around to doing anything about it. she sounds awful. i don't agree that you should give in to this. i'd also feel like it's an invasion of privacy and she's push-push-pushing. you've laid down the line - make her respect it now.

RobinHoodsPantFloss · 11/08/2006 23:24

My PIl got one when DS was born. It didn't last long, although TBH could equally be reflection on them and also the experince of trying to get a baby to pose on a fuzzy imaged web cam...

flannelettepyjamas · 12/08/2006 01:32

I agree with Kathlean too.
I don't think a few minutes per week for Grandparents to see their grandson who lives 3 1/2 hours away should be a big deal.

I do it with my own parents as I live in Australia and much as it's a bit of a pain as my 14 month old DD wriggles around and doesn't interact in any meaningful way with the webcam, I apprectiate that it's a very important communication tool for my parents. Photos are just not the same.

My mum annoys me too at times and can be controlling and interfering but she's still DD's loving grandmother who wants to be a part of her life even if it is from 12,000 miles away.

Who am I to deny her that?

olivia35 · 12/08/2006 01:48

Does dh feel the same way? If so I reckon you could let him deal with the 'thanks but no thanks' conversation.

On the other hand, if he's quite keen, let him set it up & corral ds to talk to his gps. It'll more than likely be a disaster & be quietly dropped.

Just have nothing to do with it, & if all else fails just have endless, fictitious technical problems...

You know you don't want the damn thing, she knows because you've told her. The question is whether you want to argue about it or if you'd rather keep your powder dry for something that won't be as easy to quietly kybosh...

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