silent treatment or sulking

[jacky1234]

Hi never done this before but find it very hard to burden friends with my problems. Cut a long story short husband of 16 years has not talked to me since xmas. Reason being I confronted him on something he had done and didn't feel happy with. He looked at me said "finished now" went in other room and watched television with children. He kept this up for 2 weeks then I caved and need to sort it out it drives me crazy. He says he is depressed and just not happy with anything. I left text message on phone next day saying if this is the case needs to see GP and if needs to talk I am here. He likes to drink 3 night out of 7 in house and this I don't think is a good example to set our 2 teenagers. Does anybody's husband do this? would love to know what you think. Things go over in your mind but nice to get it off my chest ANY ADVICE PLEASE!

Yes...resentment is the end of a relationship.

Please, please do get advice. I know it sounds simplistic but at least you're already along the path of separation...you certainly won't miss him when he goes.

Yes- anything will be easier than this. Stay strong and please get legal advice. Do it- it'll make you feel in control

They cant believe it. He wouldn't go, it would need to be me but not sure where I stand. Going to make appointment with solicitors this week to see what will happen financially. I'm not worried of being on my own when I think back I have been on my own for a long time. Its strange but I feel more content in myself its just the impact on my sons they are in middle of GCSE,s.

Thank you so much for your caring advice. It is lovely to talk to someone about this. I am not one to share my problems I normally keep it in but glad I have started to open up. I think by not telling how it is you fuel the fire and let them get away with it.

I've met some class A sulkers, but yours, OP, takes the fucking gold medal.

Oh Jacky I know exactly how you feel. Silence and separate lives here since last September and separate rooms since December. Not one word uttered in weeks. Solicitors involved now.

I just do my own thing, spend most of my time in my room, dd (teenager) is busy with school and friends, and she watches tv with me in the evening after study.

I tried to fix it too, but got blamed. So that's that. I've detached, hope you can too.

I do hope you've withdrawn domestic services in this frosty world - at the very least, not doing his laundry. Are you still having a charade of a family evening meal together? - if not, have you stopped cooking for him? It sounds utterly bleak - hope you manage to find a way to preserve your sanity until you can leave him behind.

message for lovemenot. Thank you for sharing your problems. I can see my self clearer now I read your thread. The first thing I thought was WHAT A NIGHTMARE SITUATION. Which is exactly where I am. Couple of questions if you don't mind. Does he speak to your DD? What does she make of the situation? R you completely honest with her about her dads behaviour. I'm the same as you spend a lot of time in my room, while he is enjoying sky in our lounge morning till night (well afternoon till night as he does not surface till midday on weekends because he drinks late into the night). I dont know how I stop myself from slugging him round the head with a frying pan. I have also developed tourettes (under my breath lol). Seeelfish pig! I am just hoping I can find the courage to do all that needs to be done. Are you still doing his laundry and cooking? I do bare minimum. I cook one main meal a day for him as I am cooking for children but if they are not here then I wouldn't just cook for him (he has never cooked a meal for me in 16 years). I still do laundry as I am thinking I don't want him to have anything to throw back at me when we involve solicitors. Yes, he does deserve a medal for sulking but he doesn't call it that he calls it not liking confrontation. Bless. x

Morning jacky,

Yes- I felt the same, I was alone along time before I actually split with my ex. I hope you find the courage.

Your dc will be ok, u know you said you usually bottle things up but I think talking to them and being honest will help them to deal with this. What do you think would happen if you stopped cooking and washing for him? Personally I think 3 months of doing this for someone who doesn't talk to you is enough.

X
Ps- the 'Tourette's thing made me laugh...I also developed a bad case of Tourette's towards the end of my relationship. Funny how it disappeared along with him

Stay strong...sending

Hi Jacky,

I have told dd that I will never accept being spoken to the way he speaks to me. I've told her that she should never accept it either. If it's not respectful, it's not good enough. She gets this, and she gets him too. She has always gotten her emotional support from me, she gets practical support from him. He talks to her more now that he doesn't have me to talk too.

Housework - I never did his laundry so no change there. If I cook an evening meal I cook enough for three but I don't plate it. Cleaning - I do mine and dd's laundry, she does her own room, I do mine. I clean the kitchen as I go, but don't do the living room.

I had a tough couple of weeks recently when I faced the fact that he is not going to fight for me, he is not even going to fight for his own marriage. He is just going to blame me as he has always done. Once I got over that wobble, I just detached again.

Here's my bottom line - I loved him truthfully and honestly. I committed and contributed. I'm not perfect, but I tried. I treated him with respect and care. He did not. So he doesn't deserve me. End of.

Please take action to get out asap, OP. This is no way to live.

You risk your kids repeating this pattern in their own future relationships if you stay with him. They see more than you realise. I've been there.

Sorry, x-posted. Pleased you're taking steps towards leaving. Best of luck.

Crikey, an Olympic medal sulker. You must have balls of steel Jacky (metaphorically speaking!).

Just to say, thankyou lovemenot for the last paragraph of your last post. That just summed up my marriage and how I feel about how I behaved and how I was treated - but I hadn't got it as straight as you have - so well put. End of. Brilliant!

Thank you lovemenot. You are my hero at the moment sound like a great person that he does not deserve. I will def be reading back on all these posts when I feel a wobble. I think another big question is would you stay if you didn't have children? I would have left 2 months and 3 weeks ago. So there's my answer. Thanks again for all your support will keep you posted.

Well, all the time he is drinking he is feeding his depression! SIlly bugger!

Take back the lounge, grab the remote and watch what you want to watch. Be absolutely fascinated in what is on screen. Take no notice of him.

Can you go out sometimes with a friend or to family without him?

I am saddened at the number of men who would rather end a marriage/carry on with an atmosphere in the home than fight to save a marriage. Does it mean so little to them??????

you are so right. I did that last week and he came in and just sat on the other settee not saying a word. It really was unbearable, and just made me hate him more. I've had quite a bad couple of days feeling weepy and finding it hard to think straight. I'm going to see a solicitor this week. How can they trace how much money a person has, because I'm not sure how much money we have. Everything in his name. I think they don't fight because they think it is their god given right to a wife who doesn't complain. I remember him once saying when I commented about his drinking "why can't you be more tolerant". Any time I want to discuss our relationship he just tells me he hates arguing and can not stand confrontation, which makes me so mad. I have told him that is why people divorce because they do not discuss things. I try and tell my children there is nothing you can not sort out if you are willing to talk and being boys I do not want them to follow in their fathers footsteps..... I have started to think it boils down to being bloody spoiled by mother and aunties who were besotted with more or less being only child in family. I love mine but would never disillusion them by letting them think they are the centre of everyone else's universe. we do them no favours by spoiling them. Arrhhh that felt good. Sorry for rant and so early. Thanks for listening. x

OMG I am in meltdown. Can not remember the last time I cried and now I can't stop. Quarrelled with the children all day yesterday.. I need to do something now I am worried for my health and sanity. It is 05.00 been up since 3.00 finding it hard to eat or sleep. I need to sort this once and for all but I know I am going to lose it with him if I confront him.. Should I wait till I feel a bit more in control. I know if I mention solicitors he will tell children that I want a divorce. He is being the nice calm parent and I am looking like the one with the problem. I have been so strong trying to wait this out. I love my kids so much it is breaking my heart. I am normally the agony aunt to friends and family and know this is cut and dry.......Advice leave him and dont look back, but when it is happening to you its veeerrry hard! Thanks for listening

You will have to be honest with the children, but you might find they are pleased with your decision!

I once had a boyfriend whose parents hadn't spoken in years, almost as long as he could remember. The atmosphere in the house was awful. The reason for this was unclear, no one could remember why it started, but both he and his sister lived under a constant cloud. In the end, after his sister had flunked her GCSEs, his father left. We had split up by that point, but I bumped into her a few years later, and she was so happy that her parents were divorced and living normal, functional lives. It meant that she could, too.

Your DC will have been affected by this, divorce will be a blessed relief.

Neither of you are living functional lives. I don't know about him, but you seem so nice and deserve so much more than this.

How can they trace how much money a person has, because I'm not sure how much money we have.
This is why he is sulking. He knows he can do it. That it's hard for you to leave.

And it's financial abuse, as well. If he has paperwork at home, try to get hold of it and make copies.

In any case, get legal advice asap and contact WA. As you are financially abused, you may be entitled to legal aid in the divorce.

Oh, and by now, I agree that the children will probably welcome a divorce.

Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship. You have teen DCs, don't you? I know if it were my teens and they saw this, they'd be eyerolling about the foolishness of it all.

Cheeky so n so..he wants to stay and make you suffer, rather than having the courage of his own convictions and getting the hell out, if he respects you so little that he won't speak to you. Depression is an excuse used way too often when men play games with women. Funny its hardly ever women self-diagnosing, is it? Give him an ultimatum - if he wants to continue this then the relationship is at an end. Say it and mean it. See how sulky and depressed he is then. You've got patience OP, Id have rocketed him into orbit by now. I can't stand sulking at the best of times its beyond rude. I hope you are looking after yourself and your DCs are a comfort to you.

Well my friends, I have finally got my answers today. Give him no choice kept asking him why he has not spoke to me in 3 months and the only thing he could say he hates the way I speak to him in front of people. When I asked for an example he referred back to a holiday we took 2 plus years ago. He walked from every room as I tried to get him to talk and said I don't want to argue. He then complained that I made him take a holiday that he didn't want to go on last year (thought the money should have been used for something else. We are far from the poverty line.......... what I'm trying to say is, he was totally unreasonable and didn't want to hear what I had to say and didn't care how bad I felt. I have rang a solicitor which I am seeing on Monday. There is only one way to go when you hit rock bottom. The only big fear for me is telling the boys it is going to break my heart.

Good for you for reaching a decision. He is a true twat.

Your children will probably be sad, but you will see how much better your lives will be without this person around.

Good luck for Monday.

Oh, and pay no attention to any pleas when he realises you're leaving.

Stop cooking for this cunt. Good luck with everything, it can't be worse than it is now.

jacky i was u 3 months ago, 16 years i lived with a sulker...he'd sulk for days, i would always be the one to break the ice, he would always deny he was ignoring me, made me feel like i was going mad.
he was also verbally/emotionally abusive. took a long time for me to wakeup and then find the strength to leave, but i did it, with 3 dcs....best thing i ever did, its like a weight been lifted off you...yes its been hard, theres been tears and tantrums along the way (more from him), but the kids have excepted it brilliantly (i was also convinced theyd be heartbroken) there much happier, more relaxed.
please find the strength to do it, u will ALL be happier in the long term x