Am I too selfish for a relationship?

[FreckledLeopard]

Having just broken up from a relationship at the weekend, and having turned 32 yesterday, I'm in a fairly contemplative mood and wondering about life and relationships.

Potted history: got unexpectedly pregnant at 18. Had DD at 19. Her father's never been involved. Went to uni, did law school, now working in fairly demanding job (solicitor). DD now almost 13. Had brief and fairly disastrous marriage (28-30). Got divorced last year (get on well with ex now we're divorced).

Having had yet another relationship fail to work out, I'm wondering whether I'm simply too selfish for a relationship to work and am keen to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

It may or may not be relevant but I'm an only child. My parents were in their 40s when they had me. I have never liked compromise and have always been headstrong. In many ways I've loved raising DD as a lone parent, since I've never had to answer to anyone about the way I do things. I've loved extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, taking her backpacking in Asia. DD and I are extremely close and this has been a problem for people I've had relationships with in the past, since they've often felt threatened by the relationship I have with DD. I guess I've always treated DD as an adult (within reason) and have always been open with her about what's going on in my life. Obviously I'm her mother, but we've grown up together.

During this most recent break-up, the accusation has been levelled at me that I have too many fixed plans for DD and my future (where I'd like to live, the type of lifestyle I'd like, the income I want to earn, the fact I want dogs and the fact I want more children) and that if I am with someone, then they'd have to fit into my plans. I think there is some truth in this. There is some flexibility, but I learned the hard way when I married my husband, made a lot of sacrifices and the marriage failed anyway, that I'm not willing to compromise on my goals.

I'm very grateful that I had no children with my now ex-husband, despite wanting them, since I'd be tied to him, and to this country, until the child was an adult, despite the marriage falling apart. I think I'm now sufficiently cynical that I can't see me ever having a baby with another person, because I'm terrified that in the event of the relationship failing, I'd be stuck. In addition, I've relished motherhood and parenting the way I've wanted to, and would have huge difficulties in having to compromise on how to raise a child. Perhaps I'm arrogant, but I think (touch wood) that I've done a pretty good job with DD. Also, at present I love the idea that, should I want to, I could get a job in Australia and relocate. Or I could go and live at my house in France. Or move to the other end of the country. I hate the idea of being tied down to an area, or to a person.

BUT......is all of this insurmountable? Does it mean that I rule out ever having any further relationships? Does it mean I should only ever have more children on my own?

I'm not looking for a character assassination or to be told I'm selfish. I know this. What I am interested in is whether anyone has felt the same? What has the outcome been? Is it simply that I've not met the 'right' person and when (if?) they come along then I'll be happy to make compromises? I like my own life. I like having things my own way. But, I don't like being lonely and also would feel judged and a failure for not having a 'successful' relationship.

Thank you all for your comments. A few points:

I don't think that because DD was unplanned subconsciously makes me want more control in my life. I think I've always been a bit of a control freak, both before and after having DD.

I think perhaps that if I did meet someone special, then I would be more willing to want to change some of my goals. Perhaps the fact that I was so attached to my goals in the relationship that has just ended was almost like a safety net to me, since I could tell the relationship wasn't working, with the result that I became more intransigent and unwilling to compromise, knowing that deep down there was no future.

I think what is difficult for me though, is that I want more children before I'm 35. There is a ticking clock and time pressure and I don't know how best to deal with that. Do I go out and date lots, trying to find someone to have a child with? Or do I just focus on DD and I, decide if I want to get pregnant on my own, and take it from there?

At the moment I'm just feeling pretty depressed about the recent break up and feeling guilty as hell for ending things (have had lots of texts, emails, tears down the phone from ex-p and I feel like a total bitch for ending things).

How to pursue the goal of having more children is a very good question... but perhaps focus on getting over your very recent break-up before you focus on the next step. Give yourself time to process this!

You may also want to implement some kind of no contact if it's upsetting you: not picking up the phone, diverting emails from your ex to the trash folder so you don't have to read them, etc. That kind of contact is not going to help either of you move on. You can't stop her contacting you, but you can stop reading/responding.

You did the right thing to end the relationship OP, so don't feel bad about it. You can't carry on in a relationship that isn't working just because the other person will be upset if you leave.

I don't know the best way for you to proceed, I can only say what I would do. I would check out your egg situation and spend some time looking for a partner. If you can't find one in a reasonable time frame, you've always got the fall back position of going it alone.

I might consider joining a dating agency for busy professionals and just meet lots of different people.

Hi OP

You are a wonderful example to us all of true woman/ motherhood.

I'm with you in everyway except I am childless (by circumstance/choice)
I'm 48 and that ship has sailed.
M parents relationship has a lot to do with me being an independent, non conformist, self sufficient human being.
I too was married once ( briefly)in an attempt to blend in with the worlds script for a normal adult existence, but it didn't work well for me. Sometimes I wonder if I am merely a total commitment- phobe or simply a complex pesimist, but in reality I am very happy with my lot.
Every day I wake up happy and that's a lot more than a lot of other people.
I am in charge of me and I like it.
Hope you feel the same.
It's perfectly ok to feel like this and you sound A ok to me.

Have a baby on your own. Nothing to stop you there.

I personally think you sound amazing!
I am 30 and am struggling half way through my degree, there's no excuse for the late start just general disorganised-nes!
I wish I had had children earlier because I want to do well in my career but by the time I get my degree I will really need to start having children so I have to choose one or the other for a few years.
You have achieved so much.
I have only just learnt after years of different relationships that I should never compromise myself/ goals/ aims for a man.
You're not too selfish you're self aware, strong and you don't NEED anyone.
When you do meet your match he will feel honoured to be let in on your already sorted life and relieved that you don't depend upon him.
You've done so well not to lose it in the circumstances and I just say well done!

You sound great. Be yourself and don't apologise.

Imagine a man writing that thread? No.

Be kind to yourself over the break-up. It would be worse having children with somebody you can't be happy with.