Am I too selfish for a relationship?

[FreckledLeopard]

Having just broken up from a relationship at the weekend, and having turned 32 yesterday, I'm in a fairly contemplative mood and wondering about life and relationships.

Potted history: got unexpectedly pregnant at 18. Had DD at 19. Her father's never been involved. Went to uni, did law school, now working in fairly demanding job (solicitor). DD now almost 13. Had brief and fairly disastrous marriage (28-30). Got divorced last year (get on well with ex now we're divorced).

Having had yet another relationship fail to work out, I'm wondering whether I'm simply too selfish for a relationship to work and am keen to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

It may or may not be relevant but I'm an only child. My parents were in their 40s when they had me. I have never liked compromise and have always been headstrong. In many ways I've loved raising DD as a lone parent, since I've never had to answer to anyone about the way I do things. I've loved extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, taking her backpacking in Asia. DD and I are extremely close and this has been a problem for people I've had relationships with in the past, since they've often felt threatened by the relationship I have with DD. I guess I've always treated DD as an adult (within reason) and have always been open with her about what's going on in my life. Obviously I'm her mother, but we've grown up together.

During this most recent break-up, the accusation has been levelled at me that I have too many fixed plans for DD and my future (where I'd like to live, the type of lifestyle I'd like, the income I want to earn, the fact I want dogs and the fact I want more children) and that if I am with someone, then they'd have to fit into my plans. I think there is some truth in this. There is some flexibility, but I learned the hard way when I married my husband, made a lot of sacrifices and the marriage failed anyway, that I'm not willing to compromise on my goals.

I'm very grateful that I had no children with my now ex-husband, despite wanting them, since I'd be tied to him, and to this country, until the child was an adult, despite the marriage falling apart. I think I'm now sufficiently cynical that I can't see me ever having a baby with another person, because I'm terrified that in the event of the relationship failing, I'd be stuck. In addition, I've relished motherhood and parenting the way I've wanted to, and would have huge difficulties in having to compromise on how to raise a child. Perhaps I'm arrogant, but I think (touch wood) that I've done a pretty good job with DD. Also, at present I love the idea that, should I want to, I could get a job in Australia and relocate. Or I could go and live at my house in France. Or move to the other end of the country. I hate the idea of being tied down to an area, or to a person.

BUT......is all of this insurmountable? Does it mean that I rule out ever having any further relationships? Does it mean I should only ever have more children on my own?

I'm not looking for a character assassination or to be told I'm selfish. I know this. What I am interested in is whether anyone has felt the same? What has the outcome been? Is it simply that I've not met the 'right' person and when (if?) they come along then I'll be happy to make compromises? I like my own life. I like having things my own way. But, I don't like being lonely and also would feel judged and a failure for not having a 'successful' relationship.

Agree with everyone else, you are not at all selfish, just focussed and what's wrong with that!

However, I get the feeling through your post, that you actually want to I was going to type 'yearn' as opposed to 'want to' but that sounded too heavy! share your life with someone and you feel that you are incapable of compromise which means it won't happen. Do you want to be loved and cherished? Do you want to love and cherish someone? You are obviously such a capable woman, do you sometimes want someone just to 'take charge?' What if the male equivalent of 'you' came along and that person had similar goals and aspirations as you? Would you be capable of letting them in? I think you have to work out what you actually want in your life. Sorry to sound so verbal, none of this is criticism, I am in awe of what you have achieved as a single parent.

I would echo what someone said upthread - be open to change, don't close your mind or your heart to what's out there.

I definitely want another baby - that's certainly a priority over a relationship. But, I do look at couples getting pregnant and raising a child together and that does seem nice. But a baby is certainly the priority.

It's not that I "should" want a relationship. I do want a relationship - for the companionship, sex, socialising. But, then again, having had a marriage and relationships which are just so much work and ultimately made me miserable, I sometimes wonder if it's just me that's the issue. Am I just a difficult person to get on with?

It may be, rather than you being 'difficult', that you didn't make the right choices about partners in the past. Your still quite young, and I think one learns discrimination as one goes on. Relationships that work are not that much hard work, if you are having work to hard and are miserable, then there's something wrong. When it's right, it's all fairly easy.

It sounds, from the limited info you've given here, that in the past you've been in relationships where you have to make too much compromise, suggesting that these men didn't share your goals, outlook etc and were pulling in different directions. Perhaps overall they were just too different.

I think you sound rather marvellous.

I haven't read the whole thread - just your OP, but I can't really see how you having strong goals for the future makes you selfish. A great husband would help you honour those goals and you'd encourage him to live up to his too. That's one of the most rewarding and exciting parts of being in a relationship: support for your goals, not thwarting them!

You sound fine to me. But you do suffer from Strong Woman Syndrome. All the single women I know are exceptionally bright, independent, confident and lead interesting fulfilling lives. They aren't going to pander to a man or drop their lives to fit in with his and there don't seem to be many adult men around who can cope with this.

I do think I'm learning. Slowly but surely. I think the relationship that ended this weekend is the first time I've ever actually walked away, despite loving the person, because it wasn't working and didn't have a future. My normal modus operandi is to flog a dead horse, making myself more miserable, until finally walking away. This time I've walked away earlier on and I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

But then, of course, it throws up all the 'big' questions - why did it fail, what's wrong with me? Doesn't help that I'm getting endless shitty emails and texts from ex today and my strategy of trying to ignore isn't helping...

I should add that previous relationship was with a woman - I'm bi - but these issues don't appear to be confined to any gender!

I suppose just one observation OP, is that another child would be way more of a change to your current lifestyle/ impact potentially on your career and on your relationship with dd and travel plansthan any romantic/sexual relationship might

This board is full of posters who aren't selfish enough. You sound great - in charge of your life, secure in your parenting and planning for the future.

@Twinklestein your still quite young

You're not your!

I'd suggest instead of asking why it failed, ask why you got into a relationship that didn't work and ultimately didn't have a future. What can you learn from it to take forward? What did you see at the end that you didn't see at the start?

I wouldn't see it as a failure anyway, life is a learning process. Some reltionships continue and some don't.

Well you're still young so more children is feasible. You do sound a bit more regimented than free spirt though. Do you think your DD being un-planned subconsciously wants you to have more control in your life?

My BIL is single. He will never meet anyone because he is totally unable to compromise principles or routines. It's his way or the high way.

I think that it is very nice to hear from someone who knows what they want.
I also think that if you really want the LT relationship then you need some goals together. And then when you add a baby in the mix you need similar ideas on what raising a child means and what you actually want to achieve with your parenting. It would be nice to be able to lay bit all out on the table right at the start but this isn't how life is. You need some degree if flexibility to allow for all the possibilities life can throw at you, some if which are great. And tbh the reality is also that most couples actually work all thatvoutcas they go along. From their common goals to their individual goals and how it fits within the family. Same with parenting, esp when it's your first child and you basically muddled along.

So just as much your outlook on life is refreshing and lovely to hear, I think that if you DO want the LT relationship etc you will have to put done if these plans on the back burner and welcome that partner into your life by making space for him/her rather than accepting them to just fit in in your life.
I don't mean to just forget about who you are or your values and what you want to achieve. More about changing these values and goals to some common values and goals iyswim?

I'm with Hully & MomentofTruth.

The sort of men you want are probably not going to be attracted to this setup, the sort who are attracted you probably won't want.

You are either going to have to find someone who thinks exactly what you think, or think hard about where you will compromise.

You sound similar to me. I've done a lot of thinking about what I want and need and could not compromise on. A man would have to fit in with that if he wanted to be with me. That's not to say that we wouldn't have shared goals and plans and so on but he'd need to look at my set up and decide he was into it beforehand. Like you I have a definite way I want to parent DD and wouldn't be open to changing that. I don't want another child so he would have to be ok with not having his own child. I see these things are essential for DD and my wellbeing, I don't see it as selfish in the least. Compromise is important but you have to draw the line somewhere

But if you look at the OP's goals, they're not exactly constricting, are they? Wanting to achieve a certain level of income is a personal goal, which unless it involved earning nothing and living off a partner shouldn't affect him. Wanting dogs - why not? Wanting more children? Totally natural. Knowing where she might like to live in the future - good thing to discuss. DH always wanted to live in the country and I always wanted to live in London. You need to talk about these things. I think the OP sounds open, not rigid. She likes to plan and shape her life and have stuff to look forward to. Why not share that stuff with a partner? If they can't handle a woman who wants to earn money, have children and dogs - who is being rigid exactly?

WipsGlitter

Do you think your DD being un-planned subconsciously wants you to have more control in your life?

I had the same thought.

I agree woodrunner - the OP's goals are completely normal and perfectly achievable. I had similar minus the dog & found a guy who shares them - and has some of his own.

I don't think it's that you need a potential partner to fit into some predefined rigid plan. I mean, if you had always had a dream to live in NZ (for example) and then by some once in a lifetime chance you get offered some kind of opportunity in South Africa (for example) it's not like you'd go, nah, always wanted to go to NZ, not interested. Even if it didn't appeal straight away you'd probably look into it and see what it had to offer and then decide.

I think it's similar when you find a partner who has compatible goals. They might want to live in the same place as you do or they might want to travel generally or they might have a dream to climb Mount Everest or something that you'd never thought of doing but if you have a shared passion and interest and feel the same about things in general then it might just so happen that your life plans are like two sheets of tracing paper which fit together into the perfect house plan (or something else metaphorical!)

Nothing at all wrong with having a lifeplan, values, standards, OP. It makes very good sense. Albeit the best-laid plans can go wrong in some aspects but Im sure you're aware of that. You just need to find someone who is looking in the same direction as you, in life.

Two observations:

• you may well be suited to a relationship, just not a conventional one, perhaps. You sound like you could handle that though. You're still young, it takes experience and fortitude to have the confidence to buck the trend.

• you may well be suffering from not knowing what a succesful relationship feels like. You could instead have framed your question as "will I ever find someone who wants the same thing as I do". The difference, in a good relationship, is that you find yourself wanting to change your life plans to meet somewhere in the middle with them.

Just RTFT and see I have added nothing original or new! Still, maybe good to know a few people think along the same lines?!

Actually one I think you raise a very good point. In a good relationship you eant to change some of these goals. You are not forced to do it, it's not even a compromise.

I have to say I am still amazed about how much goals and targets you have. You seem to have your life so planned that, for me, it's a bit mind bogolling. I not saying that I don't have wishes. But they don't go into the sort of details where I would say that I have to have a dog for example. I prefer less clear cut goals that will allow me 1- nit to feel so disappointed if I can't do that (ie have another child) and 2- leaves the door open to other opportunities that I might not have though about before and that will be as important and exciting.
So for example I know how I wanted to parent my dcs but having a child with SN made me rethink and learn about new ways which I have integrated in how parent my other child.

I think you sound inspirational: we owe it to ourselves to be in charge of our own lives, and to have goals.

However, ask yourself if you are open to adjusting those goals as the price of entry for letting someone into your life. If for you, absolutely every part of how you see your life is a non-negotiable, then both you and any partner will struggle in a relationship, as no-one will ever perfectly fit in with your ideal life path.

So in short: have goals, pursue them, be driven,... but be willing to revise and adjust your goals too.