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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just a gut feeling...

65 replies

Bettercallsaul83 · 25/02/2014 18:56

That he lies about more than I've found out.

That he wants to live the single life.

He thinks I'm bloody stupid.

He deflects every argument back at me to blame me and take the focus off him.

I'm fed up, feel a fool for giving things up but I've tried and it's just getting silly now, always an issue, he always denies he's done anything wrong.. say's it's me with the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bettercallsaul83 · 25/02/2014 22:12

Mamma - I thought I could, but I'm kidding myself. I guess I just worry about the next one being worse! My first relationship was a dream compared to this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bettercallsaul83 · 25/02/2014 22:13

Catsmamma, good ideas! And yes'm, I am settling, I need to move on from him sharpish!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 22:16

Cats mamma...that my kinda sabotage :)

Honestly op, you ARE kidding yourself. I did :(

The next one won't be like this if you don't let it. Don't settle.

My first ltr was lovely, he was great. Do not know HOW I ended up with ex.

You sound fantastic. (Not at all jealous of your 1:1!!!)

He is defo jealous of you, I'm sure my ex was too. Wouldn't listen to my uni stories as he didnt go...would roll his eyes if I started remembering something from that time :( it was all so depressing.

I repeat: run for the hills...

mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 22:19

Have to go to bed now...good luck, stay strong, rise above his behaviour.

Start planning your next step...

Original poster
Bettercallsaul83 · 25/02/2014 22:24

Thanks mamma, you've been such a great help!

Yeh he rolls his eyes or plain ignores me if I talk about things that he wasn't part of, weirdo he is.

He's so secretive though, so one of us has to make the conversation.

We had a huge argument just after Xmas and I thought we resolved a lot then, but obviously not! I've made big efforts too, in the areas he said he wasn't happy and he's hardly done a thing. What an idiot he is.

He's nasty to me about a lot of things, oh the things he has said to me in arguments, disgusting really.

I deserve much better than this, and he must know that. Usually after a couple of days he's all apologies and speaks sense, seems to understand the issue, but it happens again and again, so he must choose it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bettercallsaul83 · 26/02/2014 12:01

Well, he came back at 10:30pm, I'd gone to bed an hour earlier, and he didn't try to talk or anything.

He's not been in touch today and neither have I, I guess it's stalemate now and I won't be the first to crack by any means, I've lost my fight in relation to him and "us".

Does he actually believe he's in the right here? Or is he trying his luck... I can't decide if he's deluded or something.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/02/2014 12:13

How it going this morning OP?
Are you hanging in there and being strong?
Really hope you get out soon.
This relationships sounds horrible.
You are only 30. That is young!
My ExH left when I was 40 and I started again.
So many of us do and you can too.
Good luck with your new life without this FW in it!

Original poster
Bettercallsaul83 · 26/02/2014 12:16

Thanks hellsbellsmelons.

I'm okay, bit sad and angry. Especially at the fact that I feel he is trying to manipulate the situation towards me looking at his phone and not the fact that he lied, yet again, about something so stupid.

I feel like I don't even know what to believe anymore and I hate that. I am sincere and honest person, I'm not perfect, but I do tell the truth. He seems to just say anything that favours his position, and how can I live like that?

Saying that, we've not spoken since I left the lounge and went upstairs last night, so I've no idea what he's thinking, just a guess.

Just hoping that he says he's moving out, but I doubt I'll be that lucky to be honest, he won't make it easy for me.

OP posts:
FabULouse · 26/02/2014 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Bettercallsaul83 · 26/02/2014 12:20

Oh no, the tears have started Sad

You are right FabULouse, I just feel sick looking at places to rent and already feel this sense of dread.

OP posts:
PopiusTartius · 26/02/2014 12:54

But why do you want him to move out? You don't want to live in that area.

OP, please listen to me. Imagine I am holding your face Grin

You are YOUNG, you are intelligent, you are popular, you are literate, you are funny. You do not have a mortgage or children with this man. All these things are massive shining beacons of light on your side, lighting your way out of this.

Seriously. GET OUT of this and live a better life. Life the life you know you deserve. Just do it. Investigate rentals where you want to live TODAY. Work out your finances TODAY. And, if you move near me, I'd totally take you out for a coffee to celebrate Grin

MadBusLady · 26/02/2014 13:08

The "dread" could be one of two things.

  1. You are a bit depressed, or heading that way, probably as a result of this twat. So things that look straightforward to others are just genuinely much harder for you. If you think that might be true, seek help and support with it. On the face of it to an outsider, you have absolutely nothing holding you back from leaving this guy, and a whole world to gain by doing so, it shouldn't be making you feel dread. Anger and sadness and anxiety over the practicals, yes.
  1. You say you've lived alone, but if my maths is right it can't have been for that long? You're 30 now and have been with this guy 5 years, plus you have an ex who you were with even longer. Is there an element of not knowing how to not be in a relationship which might be affecting your judgement a bit?
Original poster
Bettercallsaul83 · 26/02/2014 14:00

Popius - you are right of course, I guess my self confidence has taken a battering after this long and I'm struggling to free myself.. especially as he's playing games by ignoring me today, usually he's texting every half an hour about random nothings.

MadBusLady - I was with the ex for 9yrs, and lived on my own for 18 months, but started this new relationship not long after my old one, although totally separate and now the cause of the previous split, just a co-incidence as I met him 2 weeks after the split for the first time.

I am a little worried about not being in a relationship I guess, although I've lived alone, I was mostly in a relationship, well, at the weekends anyhow.

OP posts:
PopiusTartius · 27/02/2014 11:38

What's that thing? Fake it till you make it?

OK, so you're not feeling much self confidence right now. But you KNOW you're worth more than this. So make like someone with self confidence, END IT TODAY, and the self confidence will come. It will.

Your life could be so much better than this.

Jan45 · 27/02/2014 16:07

You are really young so plenty time to meet a nice man and have a baby. He's treating you like shit on his shoe, he's only remorseful when you kick off then he reverts back, to what is, his personality.

He's on at least one dating website that you've found out about, how can you have respect for either of you when you know this is a fact, I don't get it. You seem fixated on him and what he thinks and what he will do next, stop wasting your energy thinking about a twat of a man who has such contempt for you, he's advertising himself on dating sites. Seriously, time to wise up and man up and get rid.

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