Just a gut feeling...

[Bettercallsaul83]

That he lies about more than I've found out.

That he wants to live the single life.

He thinks I'm bloody stupid.

He deflects every argument back at me to blame me and take the focus off him.

I'm fed up, feel a fool for giving things up but I've tried and it's just getting silly now, always an issue, he always denies he's done anything wrong.. say's it's me with the problem.

On the age thing, I've just split up with someone (someone nice and not a twat!) and I'm 35, and it's fine, I'm always a bit when people use age as a reason to stay. If it's not right it's not right, why would me getting older in a relationship that isn't right serve any purpose? You don't have to be in a relationship. Potentially you don't even have to be in a relationship to have kids if you're committed enough to the idea to explore going it alone.

I have loads of hobbies and things where I could meet someone, so I guess I know I would, but he's made me insecure and I'm struggling to find the strength to imagine moving and setting everything up again.

I feel really sad that it's come to this, for no reason.

I'm sure he's having a mid life crisis, and part of me is waiting for him to snap out of it, but really, he's always been verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

I wonder why I've stayed this long too.. It's crazy really.

He's got hardly any friends, one good friend, no others, and now I see why. I've gradually lost contact with a lot of friends due to him, and I can see that he's tried to isolate me.

Please don't invest any more time or emotional energy on this waster. He isn't worth it and is showing you how crap he is with his childish behaviour.

Be strong, find somewhere else to live and never look back.

You can do it OP.

What help can you get, practical and emotional, to support you through the idea of moving? It feels like such a mountain to climb alone, but it really wouldn't be with a bit of help, and it will be so worth it.

I'm having to go through a lot of my things and get rid of them just now because I won't have much room where I'm going, and it's hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that they are standing between me and the future I want. What's standing between you and the future you want is some flat hunting, some packing, sons scraping together of cash for removals and deposit. And then the future you want can be yours.

And btw it HAS cone to this for a reason - he's an abusive bellend. He doesn't deep down want the same normal nice relationship you do, he isn't (as you correctly identify) just going through a phase. This is him. He is the reason this doesn't work.

I don't think it's a mid life crisis, I think it's a thoroughly unpleasant, cruel, abusive, disrespectful, childish personality that is not going to change.

I am more than double your age and would not hesitate to seek a better partner if I wanted one [which I don't as it happens]. 30 is so very young your life is in front of you, why put up with this treatment?

Rent a small, cheaper place on your own while you feel your feet. You will be happier and get your life back. You could then invite friends around for the evening and reconnect with others. Have some fun.

OK, so he is verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. He's isolating you.

What about other areas? How is he about money? Are you expected to pay for more than your share? Does he always have a reason not to have to pay for things? What about sex? Does he sulk if you don't do the deed with him? Does he expect things from you but not return them?

Abuse is abuse. It doesnt have to involve violence.

I lost friends due to my ex, some good friends that I have never got the same level of friendship back with. And I regret it big time. Life is too short. Go out, have fun. And I will promise you this. Even if you are by yourself for the rest of your life, you will have a better life than the one you will have if you stay with him.

I have never before said (on mumsnet) to leave someone, and I am not actually telling you to do so now, but I am strongly advising you think about it, because you deserve better, so much better.

he is not having a MLC...that is a convenient excuse you have been using to justify staying with him.

Quit making excuses and do something or you will be looking at the wrong end of 40 and still moaning about your shit relationship, except then you will be stuck with a couple of kids and the self esteem of a flea .

You say it could have been so good....but with a name calling, aggressive, untrustworthy, blaming, disrespectful man like this, no it couldn't. No chance. This day was coming sooner or later.

Now is your chance to free yourself and find a partner worth having, or enjoy being 30 and single. Oh and 30 isn't old, but being with a man like that would make anyone feel ancient.

I know I try and justify it, I guess it's easier than the reality.

He acts like this and when I've tried to end it, he's begging and pleaded for me to stay and he'll sort things out, and then does it all over again.

Logically I can leave, I'd rather he left, but this isn't the area I would live, it's his area, I would move near to my friends rather than here.

I've been looking at places to rent and will have to call tomorrow and see what is needed.

Just feel awful and so unsettled.

He was bullying me into saving for a house recently and now he doesn't seem bothered, it's like even he doesn't know what he wants and I'm tired of being strung along.

Don't buy a house with this man, or the net will pull even tighter and it will be very much more difficult to get out of.

You will feel settled when you find a place for yourself, pack up and go back to be nearer people who genuinely care for you and enjoy your company. You will feel better when you are actually doing something, planning, focussing and taking control of your life.....instead of giving it to someone who is wasting your young years.

I hope you can get your life back and some peace and happiness and fun. He sounds a nightmare.

Just wanted to say no, no, no, no!

You can't be checking his phone and him treating you disrespectfully!

You're 30 and have tons of time if anything he should be the one at his age worrying about a nice woman to have him. It's totally his loss.

If there were redeeming features or he'd change I'd reconsider but it won't get any better I fear. Run now.

Oh and of course he begs and pleads when you say you'll leave etc because he knows he's out of order and most women wouldn't stand for his treatment.

He's like a kid, screaming then apologising but he won't change not for you anyway. Sorry

Please please listen to me....please.

You could be me and my ex...seriously. I had the same nagging doubts and the same scenario- exactly the same.

Won't bore you with it all but lets just say he was on dating sites when I was 8 months pg with dd1 and again when dd2 was 6 months. The name calling got worse. The lying got worse. The disrespect got worse.

Seriously- my mouth was open reading your op because it was exactly the same...down to my age and the feeling that I wouldn't do better etc.

Run like the wind!!!!

Ps- you're a spring chicken at 30!

Thanks everyone who has replied, I wish I could wave a magic wand and be done with it all, I guess I'll start the ball rolling tomorrow.

No idea where he is, no text and I've not tried to contact him either, is he attention seeking? He has a habit of that. I've turned everything off and gone bed, he can come home to a dark house, I'm certainly not waiting up for him! He made his packed lunch before leaving so he will be back at some point.

Sad really, he was single all his life until he met me aged 32, you would think he would treasure me. I've been so good to him over the years, patient and understanding of his nervousness about various things, but I feel like it was all a lie.

I've got a very supportive friend I confide in, and lots of other friends. My family are scattered about, not local, so I feel quite alone in a way. My friend will help me though and I'm more than able to do it alone if needs be.

One minute he's the sweetest guy imaginable, next minute he's telling lies and then blaming me for anything and everything. I've never known someone be able to twist something around so easily and make it someone else's fault, he's always the victim!

Mamma, oh god, I'm not alone then!

He treats me really bad when I'm ill, starts arguments, is moody and generally talks to me with a passive aggressive tone. I dread to think what he'd be like if I got pregnant!

His attitude is awful when he's stressed or anxious, so kids would be a nightmare with him.

He has got a lot worse in the last year, not sure why though? Maybe because I've been saying I will leave if he doesn't sort it out and he feels out of control.

Yep...
They twist and they turn the blame back on you.

There's a reason he ws single until 32....

There's a reason he doesn't cherish you now he has a decent girl...he's a twat.

Yes, he's out trying to get you to turn it around...ring and beg him back. You're doing the best thing going to bed. Sid him.

Ps- seriously, i'd eat his packed lunch to piss him off

Haha! Omg, that made me laugh, I should scoff it!

I've done nothing to contact him, not playing his games at all, he can fuck off and act single, he won't like it! He's far too insecure, that's his major problem.

Oh, and I'm 99% sure he will be at his mums, sad twat he is. God, I'm so angry that he's treating me like this.

Seriously...do NOT have kids with him.

I love my girls with all my heart- they ARE my heart!!! However, the joy and fun of pregnancy and newborns was sucked away by him. My memories of that time aren't good. I trid on eggshells, he was moody, passive aggressive, lying...selfish.

During my first labour he sat in the other room for 9 hours whilst I coped at home without pain relief. He rolled his eyes when I asked for a drink of water- like I was being a drama queen.

Some people are just arseholes. That's why they don't have mates. God knows why I was attracted to him (was very good looking)...had two friends. I love people, have lots of groups of friends, some that I went to infant school with...uni mates, old work friends...we just were so different but I didn't listen to my gut.

Please be honest with yourself- don't settle...

I'm with the others here OP, flick him away and free yourself.

Good luck and go for it.

Yes, sat at his mums thinking he's teaching you a lesson. Good for you not contacting him.

Honestly- dont put up with it. I bet you you're a catch compared to him, I bet his punching above his weight and yet he wants to act single.

Flick him away, I like that!

Yes, he has 1 friend he hardly sees, his mum and that's it. Doesn't speak to extended family and his mum is the same.

We had lots of joint friends as we met through a mutual hobby, but he wasn't ever close to any of them really and gradually turned me against most of them.

This week I started going out with my friend, just to exercise as I'm losing weight, and I'm thinking that this is why he's upped his game and actually left the house this time? He's so jealous it's unreal, despite him seeing his friend at the same time, he doesn't like me having a life, but would always say the right things, just act differently when I actually do things.

Ok- can you spend the next 40 years with this guy? Raise a family? Live your life?

I'm very popular, not to big myself up too much! I'm funny, sociable, solvent, good job, got a 1:1 at Uni recently and am very normal.. Maybe he resents me?

please sabotage his lunch. Steal the filling from his sandwiches, open the crisps...just a corner and tip them in the bin. And teethmarks in the apple.

and please sort out what you want and don't settle for this oaf of a man.