to confront or not to confront

[tempname]

Dear all, i've changed my name briefly as i want to keep this secret if possible, here's the back ground 1st....

My husband & I have had problems for the last few years but when we discovered i was pregnant 3 years ago it sort of put all our problems on hold. We got totally wrapped up in becoming parents and seemed to find ourselves again along the way....if that makes sense. Anyway the last year has seen us slowly revert back to our problematic ways of constant arguing. I've been desperately unhappy, I've tried talking to him, ignoring him, sleeping in guest room, i've even tried the wipe the slate clean approach & got up one morning and just became HAPPY, made the house prestinely clean, had dinner waiting etc etc became the perfect wife, he did notice that and it did help the situation briefly, but after 3 months of me indulging him in this manner and still getting nothing in return, still feeling completely alone, unloved and not really in a relationship, it felt like i was running a B&B and he was a guest there! I stopped all that too. we plodded on, some days ok but mostly a loveless state. Anyway somewhere along the way I fell pregnant again. We are both happy about it but the relationship is in such a bad way I really think it's come at such a awful time. We are arguing more & more which can't be good for our 1st child & certainly can't be good for the unborn one either. (We do try our upmost to not argue infront of our child but it has happened i think about twice.) I know hormones play a part in this low feeling but it was bad before the pregnancy too. Things have got even worse since the beginning of the new year...

Last month I became aware that my husband kept going 'on the computer' to 'play games' or 'check out a new sport website' he'd found. Or to do some financial stuff on a budgeting software we have. Curiousity got the better of me and while he was at work I had a little play about on the computer...you've guessed it I found an e-mail he had sent to a woman. It was nothing really just "sorry I had to log off so quickly yesterday, will speak again real soon xxxx".

I was a little shocked to find he had been corresponding to someone but, then so what, I've made new friends on the internet too (like you lot). I let it go, didn't say anything.

Anyway, periodically I've checked he's e-mail and they have got more & more regular, nothing sinster in there content as such but just chatty. This started to upset me as it really hurts that our relationship problems really amount to him not communicating to me, we never just talk and here he is chatting away to some other woman...I managed to trace her on the internet & read her personall details, She is from the uk up the country abit, single etc. Anyway still I said nothing but I did make a joke one night about internet chat rooms when we saw something on the tv, he's response was "well you go on there & talk to your MUMMY WEBSITE".

Anyway....these e-mails got more regular & they were always at certain times I was out shopping, at work, round friends etc. there were even ones where he pre-planned to communicate on particular evenings as he knew I would be out with my family visiting etc.

Anyway...today i found one a bit more in depth, nothing sordid just chatty but it did reveal in it's content that they have also been e-mailing each other at work, texting each others mobiles and the last bit revealed that "IT WAS LOVELY TO ACTUALLY SPEAK TO YOU FOR A CHANGE AND DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A VERY SEXY VOICE". (that's him writing to her)

I feel like SH**, I just don't know what to do. I feel like someone is standing on my chest & I can't breathe. I go from hurt, to anger at about 100mph.
I know it's not actually an affair, and I know I shouldn't have snooped about(maybe I should have thought about the concequences before I did, but well I didn't). Now I really don't know what to do....

Should I confront him...how do I explain I was snooping? Has he really done something that I sould be angry about...he's made a new friend, am I over reaccting? If I confront him, he'll probably do it more carefully and then I'll never know if it's still going on....

I REALLY REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

Dear tempname, this is a tricky one but you are right to be shocked & upset. Chatting to us on this website is one thing, it's for advice & a giggle sometimes. What he is doing is totally different. he has also crossed the line by giving out he's moibile number for texts & phone calls. How much do you trust him? does his work allow him to travel about, for instance if he is a sales rep who travels the country he has more chance of suddenly having a sales conference away from home etc....I don't mean to make you worry, you need to weigh up the probability of it going further. I would personally confront him, it might be the shock talk to get your relationship back on track.

Tempname, I am not sure this will help but I met a guy via the internet and we had a very 'full on' relationship without ever meeting. Then we met and I was at the falling in deep stage and he announced that he had a partner and children and he'd leave them for me. I was mortified. Needless to say I never met him again and I never mailed him again despite numerous emails fromhim. The point I am making is you have a right to feel as you do. It is not physically an affair but emotionally who knows? You feel betrayed and I simply don't blame you...confront him if you can, you are not over reacting. Let us know how things develop... thinking of you, Wish I had more time to write,Winnie xxxxxx

Why are you putting yourself thro this? My heart is beating fast just from reading this ......... Are you going to wait until he actually goes through with something Physical?
You have enough to deal with in the relationship without a third party and on here you are not choosing one person(of the opposite sex) to chat to day and night .Doing it when you are out is sneaky and not disrespectful to you and besides if it was innocent why has he not told you or doing it when you are around?
Probably because he feels something he shouldn't and if there is one time he should be honest is now before things go too far. You should really get everything down on paper so you know what you are saying as emotions will probably be high and you DO have a right to be upset (don't forget that......... we all know what it is like to be pregnant and controlling hormones and not sure if we are going mad .I used to always lose my track in an arguement so it is good to be able to back yourself and know what it is that you want to get from this relationship or if you still want it to continue .......your wellbeing is very important right now).
Hope I have not ranted on but I really feel for you right now and if the thought of confronting him makes you wonder if he will be more discreet then ..........do you trust him enough to go through anymore?
I am really sorry that you are going through this and hope I have been of any help ......... I will be thinking of you.... good luck

Sorry Tempname I did not mean 'not disrespectful' fingers will not keep up with the mind as it was racing do keep us posted

BTW snooping is not the subject here it is his new friend and if the honesty was still in the relationship he would have told you about her.

Tempname, I have been thinking about you this evening whilst I should have been working. I realise that my posting probably comes across as suggesting that your dh is inevitably up to something. This is not what I meant at all. I obviously do not know your husband or what he could or could not do. However, you already feel betrayed, hurt and confused and for that alone you need to communicate with him.

I would like to add to my earlier e-mail that I have met various people through the internet and only one of them was not what he seemed to be. We do unfortumnately meet people throughout all areas of our lives who turn out to be far from genuine. The point being that this is hardly about the e~mail element at all... it could be letters, it could be phone calls, it could be flirting over the office photocopier; it has upset you (to put it mildly), and you are questioning your relationship and therefore something needs to be done.
HTH best wishes, Winnie xxxx

Hi Tempname ... do you think a week-end away together (no child) to talk about things without having to worry about your child might help ? I agree with the others that you should talk to him (not sure the word comfront him is a good one but let's not waste our time on semantics!).
Do prepare what you are going to talk about because you will be side tracked and emotional (and that's nothing to be ashamed of).
I think you owe it to all "4" of you to get this out on the table.
Would external counselling be an option ? Maybe you could talk about that with him.
One last thing, don't concentrate your discussion on the internet friend as it seems to be a symptom or a "consequence" of your problems... if you know what I mean.

Good luck... and keep posting, I am sure others will also give you support and advice. That's what we are here for !
Take care
Pupuce

Hi Tempname. Although as the others have said, your dh has not yet (as far as you know) actually done anything, I do think it is leading that way. I don't think you have to actually physically cheat on your partner to still be cheating on them.

I would honestly gather my evidence together and confront him one night when the kids are in bed. He will either deny it completely or admit it. Lets face it, there is too much evidence there for him to deny isn't there? He may then start to blame you for the failure of the relationship, he may even make you feel bad for snooping, but tell him you wouldn't have to snoop if he was honest with you. After all he has gone behind your back to make out with some other woman, all you have done is catch him out.

You need to seriously talk about where your relationship is going. If he refuses to discuss it, then consider going to Relate on your own. He is the father of your children and the man you promised to be with for the rest of your life, so don't give up without a fight. But it is up to him too, if he is not willing to do his bit to save the relationship then you can't possibly do it on your own.

You will have to be very brave. Rehearse what you will say to him, imagine every scenario so that you are able to deal with them. Try to keep your calm and don't let him blame you for anything, he is in the wrong here, terribly so.

I am so sorry for you. But you have done your best, you were even able to overlook the first email you found, and to be honest I don't think I would have done! If he has not got the guts to admit that there is something wrong with the relationship, then you must be brave and take the matter into your own hands. Please let us know how you get on. This is an awful situation to be in and we all feel for you. Men can be such b***s sometimes!

Tempname, I really feel for you, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. But I agree with Rhubarb, I really do feel your dh is cheating...even if it is only at an emotional level so far. He may think he is only "playing", but it sounds like he is totally selfish. I think it is easy to get caught up in the excitement of such "forbidden" games, and forget there are people's feelings involved, not only yours but this other person's as well (as winnie says, she may not realise your dh is married). I don't blame you for snooping, I would do the same thing, don't you let him make you feel guilty about it. You're not the one who has any explaining to do! He is the one who has been going behind your back deliberately, you were just following up your suspicions. It could be a (pathetic) cry for help, I think men who feel frustrated in their marriage (not wanting to get into your sex-life at all here!) think they can find the solution with an affair, rather than looking to fix what is missing. I think you should definitely confront him. Ask whether he wants to make your marriage work, ask him what he needs that he's not getting, and tell him what you need that you aren't getting. What he is doing is not acceptable, don't let him tell you he's just playing or it's only a bit of fun. Tell him you don't agree!!! It's not fun for you! Get tough, talk to him - I know it's easier said than done. And be prepared to hear things you may not really want to hear...but if you don't ask you will just keep wondering, keep snooping, and get more angry and bitter! SO DO IT NOW! We're all thinking of you!

Well, it's been a weird few days....When my husband came home from work that evening I carried on as normally as I could but kept getting upset, everytime he looked at me I just filled up with such hurt inside that I kept crying. He kept asking me "whats wrong" but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it right then as I was very upset and would let him know when I was at a stage that I could talk about it. I just kept crying & crying & feeling so let down and each time he tried to comfort me I just couldn't bear him near me. Then I started feeling stupid because he hasn't actually done anything as bad as a full affair but the hurt inside was/is so immense! (I don't know how I would cope if it ever does develope into something more)..Anyway after we put our child to bed I felt I should talk to my husband but I just couldn't and so it was left...The following day was almost a repeat performance except I'd managed to get a bit better grip on my crying & we did talk...He was quite taken back that I was so upset about it because he said & still says it really really is nothing to worry about. he says he loves me a 100% & is completely happy with me and feels there is no problem with our relationship. He told me this woman is literally an internet friend and she is fully aware he is married and he only chats to her when I'm not about because he's bored without my company not to be secretive. He said he even said to her early on, "I won't be able to chat that much on internet as I only go on the computer when my wife is out, if she is home I prefer to spend my free time with her". This internet woman also has a young child which they talk about and he says it is purely platonic. He said it's just like talking to a work mate in the canteen but it's on the internet. I tried ever so hard to understand what he meant but I kept telling him that he's explaination would be so much more 'acceptable' (if thats the right word)if it had only consisted of internet chats but it hadn't it had spilled into text messages & mobile phone calls. He said they had texted each other once & had 1 brief phone call which was less than 15 mins. He has said he will stop chatting to her if it really hurts me so much but he swears it is JUST A FRIENDSHIP, he even suggested I go online & chat to her as she is just a nice lady who is lonely (recently widowed) and is trying to make new friends.

My dilemma is that if it is so purely innocent I'd feel bad denying either of them a friendship...in fact if my husband told me I had to stop contact with one of my friends I'd go bananas, so now what do I do....I know it's my choice, and I feel better & reassured by his explaination (he did seem very sincere, I've been with him over 15 years so I know him enough to know he meant what he said) He bitterly regrets the phonecall part & even exchanging the numbers in the 1st place, he accepts that is a part he didn't really think about & will restrict their friendship to just internet.....I'm so confused, but feeling a bit better emotionally.

Hang on Tempname - didn't one of his text messages say to her that she had a sexy voice? Now in my book that's flirting. She may well know that he is married, but that doesn't mean that she won't try to come on to him, and him sending messages like that is just encouraging her. I'm sorry, you say you know your husband better than anyone, and you probably do, I can only go off what you have told us so far, but I think he's lying. If this was so platonic, why not tell you before? Sounds as if he is just bluffing his way out of this one.

To be honest, if I found out my man was having 'internet chats' I would not be too happy. If it progressed to him giving her his mobile number and not telling me, I would go ballistic! Turn it the other way around, if you did that wouldn't he be just as suspicious?

Don't let him make you feel as though you are blowing it all out of proportion, believe me you are not! Just tell him that these conversations have to stop - don't let him tell you how lonely she is, etc, etc - what about you? You said that you have problems in your marriage anyway. You really need to sit down and talk about this. Perhaps get a third party involved? A lot of people don't like Relate, but they are worth a try, and there are other marriage counsellors out there too. Give yourself time to get over the hurt and see where you want to go from there. It is unacceptable that he is chatting to another woman like this. My dh has a couple of female friends, but they are partners of his male friends, if he had a friendship with a single female I would be very unhappy with it. IMO platonic friendships are very few and far between, there is usually one person who wants to take it further.

Good luck, I hope you can sort this out.

I guess I come from the 'suspicious mind' camp but my question is would he have told you about this internet friend at all if you hadn't gone to him first?

Tempname - I know what you mean about going bananas if your husband tried to stop you seeing one of your male friends, but it would be different if it were a friend you were keeping a secret from him, wouldn't it? Even if he is taking the relationship as completely platonic, she obviously isn't, so I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask him to not to be in contact with this woman again. I remember a few years ago, my friend came to me very stressed because her boyfriend (now husband) had told her he wasn't going to visit his ex that weekend because he knew that it upset her. I didn't see what my friend's dilemma was. I suggested that she say thank you, but not feel guilty about it. You're his wife, so you should be his main priority.
Best of luck, R.

Tempname, I am glad you arefeeling a little better. I have to say in response to your post my heart says trust him, my head says don't! (But my cynicism comes from being personally betrayed a very long time ago and I always check myself when I assume the worst of people as one can not judge every situation based on one negative experience). You know him and you must go by your intuition. I, like you, would be horrified to be told to drop a friend by my dh for whatever reason and to be honest who hasn't said to someone who has a sexy voice that they have a sexy voice...? Lots of people 'flirt'; flirting can be, and very often is, meaningless. However, my advice would be look deeply into yourself Tempname, IMHO you will know if, or if not, your husband is lying to you.

One thing that does concern me about your post is that you say that you still feel confused, do you mean you are confused re whether or not you believe dh, or simply by your response to what he has had to say on the matter? If you are uncomfortable with the situation my advice would be tell dh and go from there, keep the lines of communication open but don't be fobbed off if you do not believe him. Personally, for what it is worth, I do not agree that all plutonic relationships usually have one person involved who wishes it were different. My cynicism is not so ingrained as experience demonstrates to me that plutonic relationships are very, very possible. Thinking of you Tempname, best wishes Winnie x

go on line and talk to her, I would. You can let her know that the man she has been talking to definitely has a wife and that he is not up for grabs. I can't make my mind up either way about wether it's right or wrong. I have emailed old school mates from the friends reunited site, some of them male and didn't think anything about it. There again I haven't passed on phone numbers or anything else like that and I've only sent a couple of emails just to say hello. It's a difficult one and I wish you lots of luck. I suppose at the end of the day it comes down to how you and your husband feel about each other.

tempname..just wondered whether there had been any developments/how you are..
I've just stumbled across this
website which has some interesting stuff on, about online "relationships", how people have confronted partners etc.
best wishes.

I am reviving this thread as yesterday I found out that my husband has been messaging some woman for at least the last 6 weeks 3/4 times a day.Flirtatious affectionate messges.I am at this time absolutly shattered we've been together 20 years and I've always trusted him implicitly.He goes on a lot of buisness trips and as he works in the drinks buisness he has to go out a lot in the evenings.I have never worried about this as I trustedhim.He's away at the moment(?) I called him and asked if he's having an affair he says that they are just joke messages that he sends to pass the time when he is bored.He says he doesn't know who this person is could be male could be female he met them in a chat room.From the content of the messages I have to say I don't believe him I'm sure he knows this person.would you send messages to someone you don't know saying, my love,my darling,visit me in my dreams etc etcI just don't know what to think or do or anything.

I'd be sad and mad too, veryverysad. It's not on IMO and I wouldn't believe him either I don't think. Might the site mentioned further down this thread help? Sorry, no other advice but sympathy and good luck.

veryverysad, I'm so sorry to hear about this, I too found messages of a very similar nature on my dh's phone and when I confronted him he said it was just harmless flirtation. I later found out it was a full blown affair with my best friend. I don't mean to upset you further yor dh may be telling the truth but imo you do need to talk to him about it further face to face to try to get to the bottom of it. I didn't and stewed on it for weeks only making myself feel worse.
I would sit down with him and talk to him about it when you are not likely to be interrupted by kids, phone etc. when he is not preoccupied with work or tired. Explain to him how the messages make you feel (if you explain it is your feelings then he may feel less defensive than if you accuse him of all sorts) and that for your own self worth you need and deserve to know exactly what is going on. I know it is extremely hard to do but if you stay calm you are more likely to get the truth.
Please do take care of yourself and confide in a friend if you can it does help. We are here anytime you want to chat. I am thinking of you and sending you cyber hugs.

I think you're right to be suspicious about this. Honestly, would your dh be texting these endearments to an unknown man?

Of course it could merely be flirtation, not a full blown affair. Still hurtful and not on, IMO, especially as you leave him to his own devices at work. This is a betrayel of your trust. I very much agree with viv - when you confront him, concentrate on telling him how this texting makes you feel. More difficult for him to reason himself out of it.

You say you have been married for 20 years, so would you be able to tell if he's 'different' towards you, not so contactable, more evasive, not so willing to socialise in public with you, new interests, etc etc. Are there any other signs that your dh is having an affair? Before you talk to him about the texting, it might be an idea to look at this.

Also, is there any possibility he is having a flirtation with a work colleague? If so, before you talk to him about the texting, or anything else, how about talking to him about the company's christmas parties, say how much you are looking forward to going with him, etc etc. Watch his reaction closely. If he is unusually reluctant or evasive about including you in his plans, then you may have more cause to worry.

Hope this is not too gloom and doom. The texting could be nothing apart from a foolish joke that has gone too far. Good luck

Hello tempname!

My dh hads 'an affair' by phone and text three years ago and I also found out by snooping - in fact I became an ace detective! I confronted him many times and he always managed to turn it into an argument about my snooping. With hindsight I think I could have handled it more effectively. I was more worried about him being angry at being found out than I was concerned about getting things sorted. I wish I had gone straight to the girl involved and asked her what was going on and what my dh had told her as it transpired in the end that it was a big attention seeking mission that got out of hand and nearly cost him his family. In fact it is still costing him I have never got over what happened or being so lied to. Men are often c**p at communicating and prefer to 'act it out'rather than talk.

My advice for what it's worth would be to contact the woman and confront him and tell him what will happen if it carries on. Just because there is no sex doesn't mean he isn't betraying you. Good luck however you decide to handle it.

dear very very sad, many people here know that me dixie was in fact temp name....I am not saying that your husband is doing the same as what mine did & i truly hope it turns out to be an innocent joke type fun thats got out of hand but from my very recent experience all sorts of alarm bells are ringing!!

My husband told me it was all innocent and just someone he contacted to pass the time when i was on a late shift at work & he was bored...he assured me it was just a friend & that he'd stop all contact (well you've probably read that in the thread)....but 3 months later I was totally devistated to find out it he had not stopped contact, just been more secretive about it & it had turned into daily phone calls of a very explict & sexual nature and he basically left me & our 2 children for her. All I'm saying is be very very wary.....i truly believed my husband (been with him for 14 years) when he told me it was innocent, even to the fact that i felt bad about making him give up a 'friendship' as he convinced me so badly. In hindsihght I really wish I had contacted the woman myself as i'm sure that it would have brought it to a very abrupt end....but i didn't and the new technology of texts, e-mail etc made a temptation very easy for him to go off with. I was not as on the ball as i should have been (i was pregnant & hormonal & having a bad time) but what is done is done...i will never forgive him or her for destroying our family. I'm wittering on about my experience when really what i'm trying to say is...trust your instincts!! mine were very very right & he talked me out of that very cleverly....its up to you how you deal with it...but if i could go back...I WOULD HAVE CONTACTED HER!

however...to all that know the situation...I'm DOING VERY VERY VERY WELL NOW THANK YOU. I AM A LOT HAPPIER WITHOUT HIM (although tired & exhausted) BUT MY LIFE APPEARS TO BE BETTER REALLY...in more ways than one but thats another story....(and secret)

Thank you all for your messages they have been a real help.I took your advice Viv and arranged on Friday for the children to go and stay with different friends and then told him we were going out to talk.(i wanted to be somewhere public to keep things more calm)From saying that he doesn't know if its a man or woman he now admits that it is a woman.It also went from only messages to one phone call now it is 4 or 5....He says he met her in a chat room , that it means nothing and that he does't feel guilty as he hasn't done anything.He says that she is just a virtual person...I say that from the time they started exchanging messages and then phone calls she was no longer virtual.He also says that it has stopped and that she has a very serious health problem and she was basically needing comfort and support regarding this problem.Now that it is "all" out in the open he is getting mad everytime I mention it.
To me it all stinks.I still think it is someone he knows and I believe that their has been far more communication between them than I have actually seen - things are refered to in te messages that hve not been mentioned previously etc.I have also discovered that he has another e-mail server on the computer at home but I can't access it as I don't know password etc.Like you Mumma I have suddenly become an ace detective!!!
I feel deeply betrayed by this and can honestly say that I could have coped better if I discovered he had had a one night stand of hot sex.I can't do anything much at the moment because of my situation ( I will come clean here and tell you all that I am grmum) because I have to check out my legal status and get some advice.I also have 3 older kids and don't want to do anything in haste.
I am thinking very seriously about contacting this woman should I send a message or phone?The sadest thing of all though is the fact that I can see even now that the trust I had has gone and I don't see how I can ever get it back.This weekend every time he went on the computer or answered his phone I had to go and hang around to see /listen to what was going on.The situation really is very very sad.

Dixie everything you say in your message sounds familiar.I also wondered if I was being mean about depriving this girl of some psychological support at a time in life when she needed it and maybe has no-one else to turn to.BUT I have a very close friend who is going through the same health problem(Very serious) and as we often talk about my friend find it surprising that he didn't mention his friend.I am not so insecure that my husband isn't allowed friends of the opposite sex.

Veryverysad - well at least you know more than you did. I can quite understand why you want to hover when you husband is using the phone or computer at the moment. Like you, I would feel very betrayed and want more than his assurances that it is ended.

Looking on the bright side, in time you'll see it has - the messages will stop. As you say, he has a secret email address, so you'd have to be very sure of him. However, this talk with him could have nipped things in the bud. Perhaph your husband felt flattered and guilty that this woman needed his support so much, and couldn't find a way to back off and needed you to tell him to end it? Do you think he made it easy for you to find out about the texting? If so it sounds like he wanted you to know.

Looking on the dark side, this woman apparently has the same illness as your friend. Is it too late to call your dh's bluff by saying, well if she still needs support, you are very willing to give it, having already given support to your friend. Have you asked why your husband not think of telling you about this woman's troubles before?

This is very gloom and doom, the worst case scenario, but IME when a partner is unfaithful, sometimes little bit of them actually wants you to know about it. Is it just coincidence that your husband's chat room friend has the same illness as your real friend? How far fetched is the idea that they are one and the same person?