Relationships with ex husbands.

[KurriKurri]

Does what you can salvage in terms of a friendship depend on how you broke up? - or is it a question of letting time heal?

briefly - my H (we were married for 31 years) ran off with a much younger woman he met on the internet, I had no clue, he left me a letter on the doormat saying he;d gone abroad witht his woman and disappeared, I didn't even know where he had gone.

So - fast forward - he returned and continues to live in the house, he talks to his GF continuously on skype (so that I can hear him), visits her at least once a month or she visits him and they stay in a hotel. This is obviously very hard for me, but financially it is sensible, although I am thinking I may have to move out soon as I feel he is making me distressed and ill.

Now he is claiming he wants to be friends with me, he quotes examples of other couples who have split and continued to be friendly. he said he envisioned a future where he and I met up regularly, and he came round to my house and did stuff like 'mend the washing machine' or took me to hospital appointments etc.

I'm currently at the other end of the spectrum - I see a future where we basically have no contact at all, I simply don't think I can do it after the way he has treated me, and the fact that he will be involved with another woman who I have a very low opinion of. I thin it is edluded to assume we can rebuild any kind of relationship (and apart from the fact thatI think his GF is a complete tart, I'm sure she would not be very happy about him coming round to see me)

I think he simply wants everything to go as easily as possible for him, and although I have no desire to hurt him, I cannot ever see myself getting past the fact that heis a person who treated me like shit. My friends would never treat me that way, so how is friendship possible?

I feel desperately sad at the idea of never seeing him again, but I think contact would only ever lead to more hurt and sadness for me.

Am I crazy and unreasonable for thinking this way? (as he suggests) will I feel better in time? We have two adult children who obviously love both of us and would prefer it if we got on I am sure, but I don't think I can do it.

I feel as if certain family members think I should move on and get on with my life, which I am trying to do (hard with him in the house) and I tell myself that the grown up thing to do would be to retain amicable contact with him, but my heart and my feelings are telling me that if I do this he will inevitably hurt me again.

(He ran off in Oct last year to give some idea of time frame for my feelings)

elastamum - the best I can manage is a very elderly Jack Russell who has lost half her teeth

Six months is comforting Skye I can get through the crap if I know the end is in sight. It is about six weeks since I filed, although there seems to be a hold up with getting pension info from his work (to be fair I think this is a genuine delay not just awkwardness on his part) but I'd like to feel it was moving on a bit faster.

Yuk, he is just yuk!
I don't really see why you would want be friends with him ever, it isn't like he is a nice person! Once you have him out of your life properly I am guessing you won't even glance back in his direction!

Personally, I would take your sister up on her offer, as it would take you away from his constant bullying and belittling. I think you would be surprised how soon your confidence would start to restore itself.

Also, because I am nasty, I would discreetly pour some bleach into the back of his PC before leaving....

I too remember your original thread and am just horrified that he is continuing to act like such a twunt towards you. I'm furious on your behalf that he says he might love you again one day (subtext: be a good girl, do all my ironing and don't kick up too much of a fuss about my much younger girlfriend and you might get me back one day if you're very, very lucky!).

I remember that your sister was a complete star when this all kicked off originally, so it's good to know that you still have someone who completely has your back.

As for any friendship, it's not up to him to decide that. Ultimately, would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't seem to appreciate how badly he has treated you over the last six months?

Of course, he needs you to 'stay^ friends (as if you're friends now, really!) so his callous mistreatment of you can be denied.

As soon as you can get away from him, do. And don't look back. Because saying he may 'love you again' means he wants to keep you on the back burner in case the shiny new life does not work out. Take that as a tacit recognition that (i) actually, you've been bloody good to him, and for him, over the years, whatever he's saying now; and (ii) he really is an atrocious cunt.

*kurri^ - you have shown grace and dignity throughout this whole awful situation. Never forget that you are the one in control of this, not him, he lost that right when he walked out on you leaving you a flipping note!!!

Look after your health, lovely. Stay on here for support.

He does not deserve your friendship!

bold fail

Relationships and friendships require trust and respect, both of which are missing in your case.

He's trying to keep you sweet, get you off guard so he can limit his divorce settlement.

Hi Kurri - I remember your posts back in October. Stay strong. You are amazing, but you need space. Go to your sister's and get out that toxic environment.

My DF did the same thing to my DM - he moved back into the family home after announcing he was leaving her for a woman 20yrs younger. He gas-lighted her in the same way and was a total shit. He split up a marriage of 34 years for OW who he met in a pub watch a sports match.

Anyway, I ended up packing his bags for him and throwing him out the family home myself. I travelled 400 miles from London to do it. My mother's mental health wouldn't have lasted any longer - the only reason he then stayed away is that I had evidence he had committed fraud and threatened to report him.

Fast forward 10 years - they are not friends. The best is that can be said they remained cordial - on hello, how are you and handshake terms - during my DSis's wedding and my DC's baptisms. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still in contact with him, but that's another thread.

One thing I would say is that the reason my DF moved home was because he was up shit creek financially. He had (unknown to my mother) remortgaged the family home and cashed in his pension both worth hundreds of thousands of pounds to fritter the money away on fancy living, wine, women and song and the rest he squandered (in the words of George Best.) please check the position - my DM was clueless but she got a bloody good lawyer and fought. It was worth it. The settlement should not all be eaten up on fees (I speak as a lawyer). He's scaremongering.

Hi op

Kids are noisy aren't they particularly when people are trying to Skype, oh and the connection goes on and off all the time. Blimey IDE have a fecking brass band going on round my house with all this shit.

Get loud get angry and the not time this fuckwit mentions speeding up the divorce say yes please and hand the prick the phone. Oh and the next head to the side comment gets met with you really are a prick aren't you I can see what your gf sees in you now.
Do be a dear and fuck off should be your only retort.

He is behaving really badly here. I was a divorce lawyer for 15 years. What he is doing is not ok and it's not normal, it's really nasty. Don't think this sort of thing happens to everyone, it doesn't. (Yes some situations are much worse, obviously I know this - but this is not within the realms of what is acceptable.)

I don't remember your original threads but good god, this man sounds like pure poison. I can't quite believe he's living in your house without shame. "You shouldn't have got a solicitor"??? No, I bet he wishes you hadn't. Most people at least have the grace to fuck right off and accept the inevitable lawyering up when they abruptly walk out of a marriage.

And I'm also astonished anyone in your family/friends thinks the current situation is in any way acceptable or something to be "got over". Whoever says that can be safely ignored.

What an utter tosser! OP you are well rid. And friends? Friends respect each other, care for each other, protect each other....how the hell is he doing any of that for you? The utter disrespect he is showing you is unbelievable. Wow I am fuming in your behalf.

I am a true believer about moving on and not looking back so have never been a great believer in the whole 'ex as friends' thing. But this guy takes it to another level.

Tell him where he can stick his friendship xxx

Oh Kurri - you say you don't want to impose on your sister for too long but, if I was your sister, there could be no such thing as 'too long' if it meant getting you away from this heartless, selfish excuse for a man. Go to her and disentangle yourself from his lies and deception. The most contact you need to have with him is being civil for the sake of your children when you have to be in the same place as him. He deserves no more of your energy.

And yes, I do know couples who have stayed friends post-divorce but, in both those cases, these were marriages which just fizzled out, not where one person treated the other in such a despicable, cowardly manner.

I think of you often, and wish you all the strength you need to get away.

My STBX is like this - keeps going on and on about how "amicable" everything is. I'm not quite sure who he is trying to convince tbh. I only give in on things sometimes because otherwise he gets aggressive and abusive. I mainly just want him to be quiet and go away.

My dad did a similar thing (not the dissapearing act), but he honesty thought my mum would still be a 'friend' and we would live with him in the family house with his tart girlfriend.

Luckly we were older I was 22, brother 24 already left home and my sister was 18. I spelt it out to him very clearly that would not happen even if hell froze over. If anyone would stay in the family home would be mum and me and my sister.

He did a flit while we were all at work.

On the other hand I do know people who have been friends after divorce but they tend be people who have separated and know one else has been involved they have just grown apart.

Continue with the divorce, get every thing you are entitled too, try to ignore his behaviour.

I would log on to your wireless network and block his computer, or close the ports which Skype uses (a more knowledgeable tech-savvy mn'er will be able to tell you how to do that).

If I were feeling strong/vindictive enough I would be inclined to walk naked into his bedroom while he's on Skype (or in something sexy), stand in front of the screen and say "darling are you coming to bed yet?"

but in all seriousness I think that moving out is definitely the best way forward for you.

Me and my ex lived under the same roof for seven months after we split to allow house etc to go through so I could move out. During that time we went through everything from hating each other to being fairly amicable (we had to be for the sake of ds). When I did move out things were reasonably amicable, he did come round and plumb in my dishwasher/put parental controls on my laptop so ds could use it etc, however once I met a new partner (and he did at the very same time fwiw) his attitude very much changed and he has now made it clear he wants as little as possible to do with me.

He in fact is looking forward to ds being able to go straight to his from school so he doesn't have to come and pick him up.

my mil had a friend who was on such good terms with her ex that her dd from her current marriage would stay over at his if she went away...

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. You have calmed me down,I was feeling very churned up inside. I think he is playing a lot of mind games with me and is enjoying messing with my emotions. - One minute cold and cruel next minute all fake concern and caring.

I think in his head he does think he's a decent guy, and has done nothing wrong, and actually if he wasn't happy and had left the marriage after discussion with me, then found another partner, he wouldn't have done anything wrong. I'd have been upset of course, but resigned to it as his choice.

Sadly he is heavily influenced by the OW, he talks to her then comes out of his room and says a lot of nasty stuff to me - and its obviously straight from her mouth. She is clever and determined - she bought plane tickets for him, and came over a few days before they ran off to 'collect' him, and presumably make sure he didn't chicken out. But he allowed her to influence him, so in no way is he an innocent party fallen under an 'evil spell' . It does make me feel very vulnerable knowing what lengths she will go to to get what she wants though. And I feel as if she is in my home (via the computer.)

He initially insisted that me and OW would be friends and he would bring her to the house. I nipped that in the bud, but still worry he might turn up with her in tow after he's visited her. He has told the children that 'nothing will change' and he has just 'brought a new person into our lives for us to love' - It actually beggars belief-if this was a story I was reading I wouldn't believe it - the stuff he comes out with is so bizarre. But on the other hand it is surprising how many friends have said to me that they know people who's H's have been similar and expected OW to be accepted into the family home.

I feel surrounded by madness sometimes.

Luckily my DC are both grown up, so there will be no reason for me to see him if they want to have contact with him.

I really want to get to a point in my life where I am not thinking about what he did all the time and can move on. I don't want the rest of my life to be ruined by him and by feelings of anger and sadness. I hope time will make it easier, but I also think not seeing him will make it easier.

Kurri I read your post back in October and I was so glad to see you posting here on other threads over the last couple of weeks.

Your STBex is a prize wassock living in fantasy land. I really hope you are not doing a single thing for him in the home - no cooking, washing, buying his food etc. He acts as though he has had his own way throughout his adult life so please don't pander in any way to that.

I have had experience of international internet dating and I expect your STBex weasel has bitten off more than he realises. Karma can be a bitch.

Be strong!

Kurri this sounds horrendous, but you seem to be coping well. Your DH sounds so unpleasant, really horrible.

Please don't believe him that he is in control of what you will get in a settlement and please don't move out permanently if you can bear it, protect your financial future.

Oh Kurri, he really has turned into a prize arsehole hasn't he.

If he won't leave the home, I really would avoid getting dragged into conversation with him where you can. Can you just nod and smile and say 'sure, we can be friends later'. Once you're living apart it's not like he can make you spend time with him.

Fucking hell but at "just 'brought a new person into our lives for us to love'."

He really does think he is a prize to be won, doesn't he?

What a total bell-end.

Ghastly, ghastly man. I read your thread when it was all new and you didn't even know where he was, just that dreadful self-indulgent note. You survived with your sanity remarkably intact and started to look forward to the future. Now this unmitigated shit is back living in the marital home and telling you you're unreasonable not to be happy about it. Planet what?

Wondering whether these relatives who think you should just get over it are aware that he's Skyping his bird in front of you. If that doesn't make them go "eh what?" there's something a bit wrong with them too.

As for the children, I think whether they forgive him or not is irrelevant to whether you do. He has a different relationship with them, and has done them a different wrong. They have every right to re-establish contact with him if/when they feel they want to, but they do not have a right to expect you to be best mates with the man who promised you the world and then gave it to someone else.

Of course things will be messier because you got your own lawyer instead of just believing what he tells you his lawyer says. It would have been very neat and tidy if he could have just paid over whatever he felt like bestowing on you (or that OW authorised). There may well be less left over once the legal bods start duking it out, but I'm quite sure that you will still do better out of it than if you didn't have one. Perhaps your soon-to-be-ex idiot should start thinking about what he stands to lose by making things difficult.

Thanks everyone for your replies - MN has been such a source of support, just somewhere I can say my fears and worries out loud.It really helps for you all

After another ghastly couple of days I am pretty clear in my mind that I do not want to be friends with this man.When I eventually manage to get him out of my life, I am going to make sure he cannot contact me and doesn't know where I am - because I know he will try to hurt me still if he can.

I still don't understand what happened, the man I married and loved for so long has disappeared, I don't know whether it is this woman's influence, or whether he had some sort of massive mid life crisis, or some sort of breakdown. But the reasons are irrelevant, he's destroyed everything we had, I just have protect myself now and make sure he doesn't hurt me any more.

OP. You sound like you need them.