Grandparent Favouritism

[rosalind1979]

Hi
I have previously just read threads on mumsnet but need some advice. I am not sure if it me being unreasonable and getting upset or I am justified in it.
Basically when I was younger my mum had a bad relationship with her mother and then she started to have favourite grandchildren so I did not see her after I was four, as my mum did not want me or my sister to be upset like she was growing up. I am not sure if this is making me look at the situation with my mother in law in a bad way.
My daughter has a cousin who is 18 months older than her, when her cousin was born MIL was constantly having her overnight and spending lots of time with her, she was the first grandchild.

When my daughter was born it was made clear that MIL would only have her overnight when she was sleeping through the night, not that I had even asked and I did not let her stay at either grandparents until she was over a year old. It annoyed me that it was made clear they were not willing to have her but thought well since they have already had a first grandchild all that excitement has gone. Now my SIL has had another child who even though he is only 9 months old has already stayed with MIL three nights, which to me dispels the fact that she would not have my daughter was due to the grandchild excitement being done.
There is an issue that we do live further away (about 15 miles) from MIL than SIL does. When my DD was little I went back to work full time as did SIL, my MIL said I cant possibly look after two at once it is too much for me and as SIL's daughter was older she had already arranged this. I felt this was fair at the time and said no problem even though this cost me a fortune in nursery fees, now MIL is having both SIL's children at the same time, apparently this is OK because there is a four year age gap.

My daughter has only stayed the night at her house three times when MIL has actually asked if she can come, I have asked her twice to have my daughter and both times she has come up with lame excuses, where as her cousin has stayed many times. At a family event this weekend I found out that MIL is taking my niece out for the evening and having her to stay over and that this happens a lot. I was just told because my daughter wanted her cousin to come for a sleep over and I invited her on Saturday night.

MIL has also decorated a room in her house for SIL daughter to stay in and when I am there calls it the girls room but when others are there calls it just my daughter's cousins room. There are toys (colouring books) which my daughter cant use because they were bought for her cousin. Her cousin has drawers full of clothes and even though she is older there are not even any hand me downs which have been kept for my daughter.

I am getting to the stage where I don't want my daughter to feel inferior or any sort of second class citizen as I know I did with my mum's mother when my cousins were there an am thinking about cutting off all contact.

I am not sure if this is an over reaction though.

Sorry just meant to say my DD is a wonderful little human being she is loving and caring. She does talk a lot which I know people can find very tiring but she just wants to know how everything works. I just cant understand it, she is not naughty.

Your DD is unlikely to be affected by anything her GM does or doesn't do. DCs create their own relationships by their own standards and it has nothing to do with how much babysitting has happened.

Example... My DM has been an excellent GM to DS from the time he was born. Looks after him in school holidays and when I go away on business etc. He can't stand her!

It's you that your MIL doesn't like, not your DD.

You do not mention your DH in all this; what does he think about this situation?.

I think you are well within your rights to reduce or curtail contact altogether with MIL; what your MIL is also doing here is damaging any sort of future relationship between your SILs children and your own child. Such overt favouritism should not be at all tolerated.

If MIL cannot behave she gets to see none of you.

alot of people I know would have a closer relationship with their daugthers children than with their sons. Tbh I never compare how my children are treated even amongst themselves never mind with their cousins. People get on with different people differently. My Dad has a soft spot for my youngest son. My mother has a soft spot for my dd. My mil is closer to my bils children than mine. My childrens self worth will not be determined by their relationship with others. It is how they view themselves that is the most important. My gm favoured other gc over me but my other gm was to close to me. I have one aunt who I am close to both others who disliked me when I was younger. Alot can be down to personalities and circumstances. As long as she isnt openly leaving your dd out of things it wouldnt bother me. Most kids just accept the relationship they have with people and dont tend to see much further than that.

DH sees it too and I know he is upset but when he was younger his parents split up (he was six and his brother was three) his DD would only see his brother and his brother was brought into the family business and he was not, so I feel that I don't want to bring it up with him too much as there is already a lot of bad blood on his father's side. I feel for him that it feels like it is now happening on his mother's side too.

Its a bit harsh that it is me my MIL does not like, even if that is the case it should not be taken out on my DD (I don't care particularly she can take me or leave me but I do care deeply for my daughter). As far as I am concerned she has three grandchildren and they should all be treated the same regardless of parentage I am not asking for my DD to be treated better I want her to be an equal though.

Your DH and you are your child's family. You owe it to both yourselves and your child to have positive role models in your lives, not people like your MIL who persists in overt favouritism for her own selfish reasons.

Favouritism hurts everybody. Given time as well your DD will realise that her cousin is being treated far more differently too and that will affect her own relationship with her cousin to its detriment.

Some families are not nice and are dysfunctional. It is not your fault that your MIL has chosen to act as she has done. Protect your DD from such harmful influences; this is the best thing you can do for your DD.

It's unrealistic to expect grandparents to treat all children the same. That's your job, they had their chance with their own DCs. Sorry

Mines on the receiving end too, it's hard. I limit things but I'm not sure he's even made the connection that he's of the same standing as favoured gc yet not getting the same benefits (time, sleep overs, days out, toys etc)
He's 5. I've backed off, I agree the room naming really takes the piss though.

"Its a bit harsh that it is me my MIL does not like, even if that is the case it should not be taken out on my DD "

She's not taking it out on your DD, she's simply not treating you the same as her own DD. You're interpreting it as some kind of slight against your child and it's you that's feeling inferior. Do you have a DM of your own?

Cogito, did you miss the bit about her refusing to have her kids until they 'slept through' but had SIL's tiny baby several times, not allowing her to play with toys etc, thats just spiteful.

t's unrealistic to expect grandparents to treat all children the same. That's your job, they had their chance with their own DCs. Sorry

How is it? That IS a grandparents job.

She is taking it out on my DD, MIL wont have her for sleep overs which my daughter requests, she wont let my DD play with toys that are just there for my niece and nephew's use.

I am good friends with my SIL and will make sure that the relationship is there with them, my niece is coming for a sleepover this week, they are really good friends.

I do have a mum of my own and she ensures everything is equal especially given her upbringing she knows how important this is. She has my DD over to sleep once a month and my sister's children the same, if there are toys in the house they are communal toys no one has ownership over them and if they want to play with something they have equal rights to do so, they certainly don't have things taken off them and told that they cannot play with them. If there was anything like that she would have put it away before they came and there would be something equal in the house for the other grandchild.

I didn't miss any of it. But you can't force equality in extended family any more than you can force it with anyone else. It is not a grandparent's job to treat everyone in the family equally. It's nice if it happens but there will always be stronger connections between some family members than others. If someone's acting spitefully or unacceptably then don't sit whining about it. Either stand up to them and point out the double standards or make a life that doesn't include them so much.

" She has my DD over to sleep once a month and my sister's children the same"

Your DD will probably grow up closer to your DM than your MIL which will only be your MIL's loss rather than your DD's surely?

well we disagree, i think a grandparents only real job to treat all grandchildren, within their ability, as equally a possible.

surely anything less makes hem pretty shit?

i say this as someone who's widowed GM living 300 miles away, always generally treat me and my sister and her other 6 grandkids equally as possible.
Its the deliberate act of treating another grandchild as a lesser which is wrong.

I think you can't make people feel the way you want them too, you can only control your reaction to thier behaviour.

I think you MIL is playing favourites - that makes her a not very nice person. BUt the impoprtant things are that your DD knows you think she's wonderful and is adored by the people who actually matter (which she clearly is - she sounds like a lovely little person). She will know that, and she will also probably at some point realise she is not being treated equally by MIL. You can only reassure her that MIL is unreasonably and it is her loss (if you can do this without using the phrase 'Granny is bonkers, screw her' well done!! )

Try not to let it affect your DD's relationship with her cousins, and not feel resentful ofthe attention they get - its not their fault mIL is nasty, and your DD can enjoy her freidnship with cousins totally aside from the way you or MIL behaves.

In time your DD may choose to spend very little time with her GM because of this, but at the moment, if she enjoys the time she does have, even though it is inadequate, I wouldn't stop it.

The only time I would stop contact would be if at any point you have anotherchild and your MIl treats those chidren within your family differently. I had that (MIL only liked boys, so my DD ignored) andIreduced contact and was very insistant that she at least treat them openly the same (in terms of gifts, visits etc.) or she treated neither of them.

Your DD's self esteem, and sense of self will come from her relationship with her parents, that is the important one, and you are obviously doing a great job.
A mean old bat is just that - you can't change her you can only recognise what she is and know that it is her problem not yours or your DD's .

I disagree that it doesn't affect children.

There was a huge amount of favouritism on both parental sides when I was growing up. To the outside world, it looked like we were one big happy family with really close grandparents. And we were, but...

I was both a favourite (individually) with one side, and also part of the 'less favoured' family with the other grandparents.

It's a headfuck. It affects your relationships with other family members and how you feel about yourself. Very subtly.

As a parent now, if I were to analyse it I would say that it takes away that complete security, the 'taking-for-granted' element of family relations that is so good for kids that they don't even realise it's there. To feel kind of on edge and not truly part of the 'gang' with your own grandparents... I would never, ever want my kids to feel like that.

You have my sympathies OP. I do think that over time overt favouritism is noticeable by children and does affect their self-esteem/ leaves them feeling rejected.

We have similar in our family - MIL sees SILs kids all the time due to geography, would never dream of missing a birthday, SIL has had so much overnight babysitting that you can measure it in months, etc. Well - I guess I just have to suck that up due to their 'close relationship'. But it's when MIL singles out SIL's children (in front of mine) as being 'the photogenic one' the 'one who's going to be a model' 'the best girl in the world' (I have 2 DDs) or she responds to every achievement of my kids with 'X did this ''Y can do that' 'do you know what Z did' re: SILs kids that it crosses the line for me. At the moment my eldest is 4 and hasn't noticed much, she's just said how much MIL loves child X (SIL's eldest). But I am watching this closely for when they get older. I will not have them made to feel inferior by a woman who is so obsessed with SIL being viewed as 'the best' that she'll even make her own grandkids feel like cr*p in order to win some fantasy competition.

My strategy would be to back off and be less reliant on MIL. It's a battle you'll never win and one that will only upset you and, in time, your DD.

Difficult to do I know , but try to let this go over your head for now. Sounds as if she has less of a relationship with you than SIL but to be honest sometimes that can work in your favour in that you won't feel obliged to see her as often or do things for her in the future.
We had a good relationship with my PIL and they looked after our children several times when we went on holiday together but we were always aware that my SIL' s son was favoured . After they died we found that they had been sending him money every month for years , on top of generous birthday presents and other gifts .... certainly not something they did for our children . It did leave a bit of a sour taste in the mouth but it was their money and their life so I suppose it was entirely up to them . I just wish they had been more open about it to us . When they were ill and needed help guess who they called ? We weren't bound to them by money just plain old affection and caring .You will have to be the bigger person here I am afraid ...easy to say , more difficult to do ...but if you train yourself to care less it will hurt less. Good luck with this issue though , it can be very hurtful and prey on your mind .

Of course it's the grandparents' job to treat their grandchildren equally. I'm amazed that people think otherwise. They might like some grandchildren above others, and this will probably change over time as the children grow up, but to actually show this and give one or more of them preferential treatment is not on. It's absolute poison in a family if any member of it starts playing favourites.

My own mother has made my elder child her favourite. It is very very obvious. My second child and my sister's child are very much also-rans and it's awful. My dc1 is still young enough to think that this is fantastic, and openly admits that she can get my mum to do anything she wants. My younger child feels very pushed out and unwanted, and has a very poor relationship with his grandma as he's reluctant to spend time with her when his sister is there too, and he never gets invitations to do anything with her by himself. I've cut down contact enormously, and insist on equal treats, present buying etc and this has helped a lot but my mum cannot or will not see what she's done and the harm this has caused both children.

Several references to 'grandparents job'. Grandparents don't have a job, they have children who then go on to either have kids of their own or not - no one has any choice in whether or not to become a Grandparent or when it happens, they have no rights and no responsibilities. Many choose to be involved, or even long for grandchildren, some aren't bothered; some find it easier to get along with their own DDs children than their DILs and similarly many DILs are much closer to their own DM than their MIL.

I think you have to let it go. I don't think mil is being fair, but I don't think you'll get anywhere by pointing it out. It does sound as though DD has plenty of other close family relationships so in general I wouldn't worry about it.

DD is a wonderful little human being she is loving and caring.

She sounds a delight, of course it is not her fault MIL makes more effort with SIL's children. How MIL feels about you or your DH may not even be a factor in this. You have had this in your family history so you recognise the signs, I don't think you are necessarily projecting or overreacting.

If you and SIL are on good terms it saves establishing a whole different extended family network. Otoh I am sorry MIL almost sets a wedge between cousins.

At this point you either accept this and keep up contact, or reject MIL and by extension the rest of the in-laws. After the turmoil of his early years I suspect your DH would be unhappy to lose contact with the remaining family members.

Thank you, DD is lovely (if I do say so myself), I am so proud of her and I tell her everyday. She is surrounded by love at my mums house.

Thanks for your advice I am just going to limit contact I think, it seems to be me that travels to MIL house all the time so it will be easy to cut down on the visits.

I just don't get it at all. After speaking to SIL today it turns out she does have DD's cousin at least twice a week but I am not going to let it get to me, if DD does start to get upset about it later on I will deal with it then. I am seeing MIL in the morning and am just going to mention that I know she is taking DD cousin out on Saturday for a treat and then she is having a sleepover casually and see what she says, as I was not supposed to have found out.

I am just pleased me and SIL have a good relationship so we can keep the cousins in regular contact.

Will my mother favours my sisters dog over my daughter! She doesn't even like dogs! If it bothers you, walk away like I did.

Step away, don't expose your dd to this favouritism, it's toxic and damaging.

If mil has an issue with it, then she can just buck her bloody ideas up then, can't she?