Grandparent Favouritism

[rosalind1979]

Hi
I have previously just read threads on mumsnet but need some advice. I am not sure if it me being unreasonable and getting upset or I am justified in it.
Basically when I was younger my mum had a bad relationship with her mother and then she started to have favourite grandchildren so I did not see her after I was four, as my mum did not want me or my sister to be upset like she was growing up. I am not sure if this is making me look at the situation with my mother in law in a bad way.
My daughter has a cousin who is 18 months older than her, when her cousin was born MIL was constantly having her overnight and spending lots of time with her, she was the first grandchild.

When my daughter was born it was made clear that MIL would only have her overnight when she was sleeping through the night, not that I had even asked and I did not let her stay at either grandparents until she was over a year old. It annoyed me that it was made clear they were not willing to have her but thought well since they have already had a first grandchild all that excitement has gone. Now my SIL has had another child who even though he is only 9 months old has already stayed with MIL three nights, which to me dispels the fact that she would not have my daughter was due to the grandchild excitement being done.
There is an issue that we do live further away (about 15 miles) from MIL than SIL does. When my DD was little I went back to work full time as did SIL, my MIL said I cant possibly look after two at once it is too much for me and as SIL's daughter was older she had already arranged this. I felt this was fair at the time and said no problem even though this cost me a fortune in nursery fees, now MIL is having both SIL's children at the same time, apparently this is OK because there is a four year age gap.

My daughter has only stayed the night at her house three times when MIL has actually asked if she can come, I have asked her twice to have my daughter and both times she has come up with lame excuses, where as her cousin has stayed many times. At a family event this weekend I found out that MIL is taking my niece out for the evening and having her to stay over and that this happens a lot. I was just told because my daughter wanted her cousin to come for a sleep over and I invited her on Saturday night.

MIL has also decorated a room in her house for SIL daughter to stay in and when I am there calls it the girls room but when others are there calls it just my daughter's cousins room. There are toys (colouring books) which my daughter cant use because they were bought for her cousin. Her cousin has drawers full of clothes and even though she is older there are not even any hand me downs which have been kept for my daughter.

I am getting to the stage where I don't want my daughter to feel inferior or any sort of second class citizen as I know I did with my mum's mother when my cousins were there an am thinking about cutting off all contact.

I am not sure if this is an over reaction though.

Step away, don't expose your dd to this favouritism, it's toxic and damaging.

I have to interject. I was one of 6 cousins from three families. My GM had absolute clear favourites and dislikes between the 6 of us. We just thought she was a mad bitch and we were all secure in our parents love.

It's just one of those things. From what I've read mothers then to favour their daughters children, although from what I've observed they tend to gravitate towards their sons children.

You also have to factor in age differences, maturity, 'ease of child' and personality

Ah.

Secure in parents love.

Forgot about that. Yes, I can see how that'd apply.

Didn't apply in my case though. Hence my knee-jerk reaction to leave her too it.

I still think it's a good idea to downgrade the mil presence in the lives of the dc, not courting approval etc. Ultimately it's her loss.

My experience is similar to DarlingGrace. My GM had four living DCs and at least 15 grandchildren. Because she was always falling in and out with her DCs some of us saw more of her than others. I had zero relationship with her because my DM (wisely) kept her distance. I have never felt 'damaged' by her unequal treatment, absence or that I never got so much as a birthday card from her. She simply wasn't a factor in my life. Didn't go to her funeral, put it that way.

Some really good advice here.
We've been experiencing this with my MIL. When I was 12 weeks pg she told me my DN would always be more special as he was her first. Obviously I was very at the time and told her off. Outwardly she says about treating my DD and DN the same (gets them clothes, gives same amount of money etc) but inwardly and emotionally my DN is the clear favourite.
This obviously upsets us and we have an otherwise good relationship with her but don't really know how to challenge the favouritism she obviously shows. However, my DM and DF are fabulous with my daughter and she clearly adores them so i think I'll focus on that and let my MIL do what she wants, she's the one that will regret it later.

I wish my dm was still alive to have my children overnight. My MIL probably wouldn't be able to cope with them (she's much older). I don't want to go out, I just want a good nights sleep.

@elvislives2012.... I think that's the right approach. My other GM couldn't have been more different. Very involved with my life and we had such a close relationship that, even though she died 10 years ago now, I miss her every day. She was just as involved in my DB's life but he couldn't stand her. Kids decide who they want to love.

I can see where you're coming from cognito if its been the case since the child was a baby and thats all it's ever known.
Sorry to hijack i'm having a similar situation re: favouritism which my ds the eldest GC was treat lovely until my DN came along, and now barely see's them after seeing them a lot in the past, I think thats much crueler

My MIL also clearly favours her daughter's children. In some ways I can understand how it's natural to feel closer and more involved with them - they live closer, she gets to see them more, she's able to have an active say in their upbringing where as she gets zilch say in mine, and of course they're her daughter's children where as me and her don't actually like one another. Of course she's closer to them! But I still don't feel she should show it. I could raise this issue and have another fight with MIL over the inequality of it (though she won't accept any of it). Mostly though I feel lucky that a toxic and negative influence on my children has been dramatically curtailed, personally I'd rather keep it that way.
If you feel your MIL would overall be a benefit by being in your child's life then it's worth perhaps discussing it (in that non-emotive, calm and sensible manner that we as adults are supposed to go about things). If in all honesty she's more likely to leave your children worse off from having known her then just count your lucky stars and focus on the positive, beneficial relationships your child has in her life.

Example... My DM has been an excellent GM to DS from the time he was born. Looks after him in school holidays and when I go away on business etc. He can't stand her!

That is so, so sad. If I were her I'd be devastated.
However, why does she look after him so much if that's the case? Doesn't that make it all worse?

She looks after him because she's a good granny & she loves him to pieces. He's not hostile towards her because I've raised him to have more respect and better manners than that. But he finds her irritating... then again, we all do. Point being that you can't manufacture a relationship between others. They either get along or they don't.

Hmm, I agree that you can't manufacture a relationship between others but I do think you can sometimes try to help things along. Sometimes people just don't really know what to do (I'm not saying this is the case with your mum obviously cogito, just speaking in generalities), and if they're struggling for ideas you can give them tips for things that are likely to help them connect with your child. Though yes I do agree that it can just be down to different personalities/demeanour and sometimes they just won't ever click.

Of course, it is probable that you will get more emotionally attached to one child over another, as it is a personality thing, as well as how well you know the grandchild.

But some people find it easier to form relationships with the people who are around them all the time, but find it harder to maintain strong ties at a distance. Others are very good at it. Look around for these people and learn from them.

With regards to MIL, I think she is of the former category. Make sure DD has the people who love and support her (even at a distance) and these will nurture her. Teach her to have a good, but more formal relationship with the others (like MIL) - if you stop hoping to get a more close relationship from them, you will not be disappointed, and it will take the anxiety out of the relationship, maybe helping it to improve in the long term.

Also, encourage DH to have his own relationship with his sister and invite her over, so that the cousins can have their own relationship, without MIL's input.

I have a MIL like this, do you know what this type of behaviour reminds me of? 5 year olds......"your part of my group and your not so meh".

I don't buy the distance argument either my parents are double the distance away that MIL is and make a lot more effort. They regularly stay over for weekends. MIL never has despite us visiting and plenty of invites to ours. She hasn't in nearly 6 years even called to speak to our children but she never called before they were born to speak to her son so there you go.

I have wondered if people who can't perform normal relationship maintenance once their adult child moves away from the immediate location have some kind of deficit in their personality.

Does your daughter like spending time with her cousins? If so, why not invite them to spend time with you?

Hopefully your daughter will then get to know her cousins without the misery of the favouritism, and cuts out MiL completely.

Unfortunately this is happening to my daughter who is 7. She is very much aware of the clear favouritism that her grandparents show to her cousin who is a month younger than her.
She is constantly crying over the way her nan treats her with the constant comparisons and the her nan constantly telling her how much better her cousin is. She is constantly buying the other grandchild gifts and while I am in no way suggesting that my daughter should be brought presents but it would be nice for her to receive something every now and again. I also have the who's toy is who's issue everything seems to belong to my daughters cousin, luckily enough she is happy to make her own game up outside or with toys we bring along. Her other cousin who is the younger son of her second son also faces similar issues making my daughter and him extremely close.
I would love to say its because the other grandchild is a kind caring child but on several occasions she has said things to cause my MiL to cry and has also be harsh and nasty to my daughter.
While it is her second sons first grand child I can't really say that it is due to this as she openly says that he isn't the favoured son.
They did heavily rely on her for child care and still do to this day, she lives about a 2 minute walk from us but a drive from them but will only come round ours when the children are in bed but will go round to theirs at the drop of a hat.
Her husband has an equal love for all the grandchildren and this is clear to a point where my daughter has noticed it.
This is also having a significant negative impact on her relationship with her cousin who she never wants to see even though they were once very close.
I have no issues with my MiL and help her around the house on a regular basis we also had a very good relationship early on in my marriage.
I desperately want to say something or limit contact but I know my husband will not support me as he is blind to it all and will go behind my back regardless ( I tried at the beginning of the issue). The rest of the family will also turn against me in order to defend her.
I really try to instil a strong sense of self worth in my daughter to counteract this but I am having limited success as she is focused on this issue.
Any advice would be much appreciated.