He doesn't want to marry me

[Estrella18112013]

Hello everyone, please help!

I have a wonderful partner who is also my best friend. We look after each other, we have fun together and we are also great lovers.

He is my soul mate and I truly believe I want to live with him for the rest of my life.

I am 30 and he is 36. We met when I was 18 and he was 24, we spent almost 3 years together, but our relationship was extremely passionate but also extremely volatile. We loved and fought HARD but we eventually finished.
We never spoke or saw each other again for 8 years until 3 years ago.
I never forgot him and he never forgot me and 3 years ago we got back together again and are now enjoying the ideal relationship!

We consider each other being the love of each other's life
At the beginning of this second time relationship we discussed marriage and children and said how much we would like both, together in the future.
We moved into a rented house and everything was amazing.
We have travelled on holidays and we spend lots of time with each other's families. I have supported him and his mother through a difficult time as his elder brother disappeared 18 months ago with no trace.

3 months ago we welcomed our beautiful baby to the world.
My father asked why didn't we marry first, to be honest although it is my dream, it happened by surprise and my partner hadn't made a move yet.
My partner said to my father that we would marry in the future, when we had the money.

During the pregnancy he tried to persuade me to buy a house with him.
I was a little put out by this as he hadn't mentioned the marriage again and I confronted him about it, why did he want to spend our money on a house rather than a wedding? He said because the house was a bargain, I almost agreed but luckily the bank turned us down for the mortgage as my partner already has 2 houses with mortgage...

Whilst I was pregnant the rented house we lived in was sold and we had to move in to his house (he bought it to make money with summer lets, from which he has done quite well financially as I have done all the renting for him)
This is the sticky bit,
I had to stop working during pregnancy, so I was more financially dependent on him,
I pull my weight in other ways as much as I can. He doesn't want me to pAyhalf the mortgage monthly repayments from the little income I have now.
Our daughter is born and I now have to reduce my hours at work to look after her (we have no one else)
Here is my gripe; valentines day I was sure he was going to propose,
But he didn't. Not only did he not, he threw a mental fit because I asked him why he hadn't and he said he not only did not believe in marriage, but he will never marry me and if I ever mention it again he will separate!!!

I can't begin to explain how devastated I am! I don't know what to do
I'm banned from bringing the subject up, yet I'm expected to give up my career and income to bring up our daughter And he won't marry me, I thought this man loved me! And now I can't help but think he doesn't trust me because of the properties he owns,

I can't get my head round it! please advice!

Thanks

As others have said here - if you do stay, you absolutely need to start paying part of the mortgage. and unfortunately it doesn't count if he pays the mortgage and you pay the childcare to split costs - legally you need to have money going direct from your account to the mortgage, or if you can't swing that, at least try to get it in writing that he is choosing for you to be home. Even an email. Land law is unfortunately littered with examples of unmarried couples where the non-owner (usually though not always a woman and the mother of the couple's children) gets totally screwed over. It sounds like he may be aware of this

Haven't read whole thread.

If you're not married, please continue to earn your own money. Don't give your earning potential and career up.

Personally I think resentment on your behalf will now grow and grow. He should want to marry you.

I'm so sorry OP. You've had a serious knockback from the man you thought was your soul mate. He isn't, it's crystal clear that he's not the person you think he is.

You must keep your own counsel now, start planning your exit from this relationship because it IS over even if you're both still in it. You're gripping on to it and he's peeling your fingers away one by one. You need to plan your life with your child and make it a good one.

You've had great advice here; carry on working, don't reduce your hours and make sure that he shares the costs of childcare so that you can build up a nest-egg to go. Could you move back with your parents for a bit?

And please, please - stop looking for approval from his mother and sister, they are not your in-laws and they are NOT on your side. Anything you tell them or show interest in will be reported back to your 'partner'

I think you need to take a more critical look at the person you want to marry because the person you describe in the first part of your OP, doesn't tally with the person you describe in the latter part.

If getting married is something that's really important to you why on earth have you left it entirely up to him to decide when? You are in a vulnerable position and have now realised that yours is an unequal partnership and by staying home and relying on his income you have weakened your position further whilst strengthening his.

It appears that he views the properties that he owned before your relationship as his and therefore doesn't want you to be able to make a claim. However, rather than be a grown up and be straight about it he has chosen to be evasive and underhand.

You two are not on the same page and really need to sit down and talk. It appears he has paid lip service to marriage and you have overlooked stuff because you're "soul mates" and have therefore wrongly assumed that you shared the same beliefs. I have been there and had I had the sense to have a sit down 'everything on the table' conversation' I might have learnt that there was a whole lot that Ex and I weren't in agreement on.

Work out what your boundaries are and remember that anything that disadvantages you, probably disadvantages your child. Draw up an agenda including finances, assets, childcare, parenting, work etc. Let him talk (without interruption) to gauge what his true opinions are on theses subjects as opposed to the lip service he spouted about marriage. The soul mate talk has clouded your judgement and now it's time you matched your partners business attitude. However, be careful as my Ex often told me what sounded reasonable but in reality wasn't his opinion because that way he could shut down a conversation without allowing me the opportunity to voice an opposing opinion. It is a really a cowardly, selfish and underhand way of behaving and with hindsight demonstrated a personality trait which was at his core.

Refusing to discuss and threatening you against mentioning a subject, which directly effects you is unacceptable. If he has had this discussion with members of his family without the intention of being candid with you then this doesn't bode well and demonstrates a way of thinking where your opinions or feelings are not valued.

It appears your soul mate thinks his is the more important voice and you should STFU when told. The man you are so desperate to marry has just shown a side of himself which is more real and less fairy tale and you should pay attention. Right now you should feel damn lucky not to have married this man.

If he won't marry you he feels that something isn't right.

UTTER BALLS. Not everyone wants to get married. And no one should feel bullied in to it.

However you shouldn't have had to ask him after this amount of time how he feels about it. And if you want to get married - DO IT! Just to someone else.

He's not the only man on the planet FGS.