He doesn't want to marry me

[Estrella18112013]

Hello everyone, please help!

I have a wonderful partner who is also my best friend. We look after each other, we have fun together and we are also great lovers.

He is my soul mate and I truly believe I want to live with him for the rest of my life.

I am 30 and he is 36. We met when I was 18 and he was 24, we spent almost 3 years together, but our relationship was extremely passionate but also extremely volatile. We loved and fought HARD but we eventually finished.
We never spoke or saw each other again for 8 years until 3 years ago.
I never forgot him and he never forgot me and 3 years ago we got back together again and are now enjoying the ideal relationship!

We consider each other being the love of each other's life
At the beginning of this second time relationship we discussed marriage and children and said how much we would like both, together in the future.
We moved into a rented house and everything was amazing.
We have travelled on holidays and we spend lots of time with each other's families. I have supported him and his mother through a difficult time as his elder brother disappeared 18 months ago with no trace.

3 months ago we welcomed our beautiful baby to the world.
My father asked why didn't we marry first, to be honest although it is my dream, it happened by surprise and my partner hadn't made a move yet.
My partner said to my father that we would marry in the future, when we had the money.

During the pregnancy he tried to persuade me to buy a house with him.
I was a little put out by this as he hadn't mentioned the marriage again and I confronted him about it, why did he want to spend our money on a house rather than a wedding? He said because the house was a bargain, I almost agreed but luckily the bank turned us down for the mortgage as my partner already has 2 houses with mortgage...

Whilst I was pregnant the rented house we lived in was sold and we had to move in to his house (he bought it to make money with summer lets, from which he has done quite well financially as I have done all the renting for him)
This is the sticky bit,
I had to stop working during pregnancy, so I was more financially dependent on him,
I pull my weight in other ways as much as I can. He doesn't want me to pAyhalf the mortgage monthly repayments from the little income I have now.
Our daughter is born and I now have to reduce my hours at work to look after her (we have no one else)
Here is my gripe; valentines day I was sure he was going to propose,
But he didn't. Not only did he not, he threw a mental fit because I asked him why he hadn't and he said he not only did not believe in marriage, but he will never marry me and if I ever mention it again he will separate!!!

I can't begin to explain how devastated I am! I don't know what to do
I'm banned from bringing the subject up, yet I'm expected to give up my career and income to bring up our daughter And he won't marry me, I thought this man loved me! And now I can't help but think he doesn't trust me because of the properties he owns,

I can't get my head round it! please advice!

Thanks

My ex wouldn't marry me after 13 years together. We split up and the next year he get married!! What a joke!!!

What did he do that made you think a proposal was on the cards?

I agree with strategic planing.

Get back into full time, make sure both of you contribute towards child care costs, then find a nice place for you and leave.

You have risked your life to bear his child, you have had to cut your working hours and thus your income, becoming more financially dependent on him, yet he will not give you and your child the financial and legal protection of marriage.

If you will not give him an ultimatum then you will have to accept his taking advantage of you without resentment. Can you

If he does not love you enough to marry you it's better to know now and not waste any more of your life on him.

If you were my friend I would be advising you not to marry him anyway on the basis that he's an arsehole.

Personally I don't get the fuss about being married. Having been there and now trying to get divorced and having a child with new dp I can safely say I have no desire to be married again, however if it had previously been discussed and you believed it to be the next step I can understand why you are upset.

Could it be that he is stressed over money and is lashing out? I agree with others who say the ultimatum is a bad idea, if he calls your bluff without you having a backup plan you are screwed and do you really want to marry him knowing it was only due to
Blackmail?

I would suggest waiting til the air settles and then ask him to discuss it calmly, explain that you believed it to be your future and you are confused over his outburst, and ask him to explain why the change of heart. Then you need to decide if you love him enough to forgo marriage. If not you need to leave

He is financially secure, I unfortunately am not. I cover my overheads and pay my way in everything except for the mortgage as he doesn't want me to pay towards that. Some would say I'm in a good position, but I earn half of what he does and struggle to keep up...
I am faced with this horrible choice,
People say if we get married and it all goes sour, divorce is terrible, but living together and raising babies for years and then it ending, surely that would be just as difficult..?
Th hardest thing for me is him saying he never wants to marry me and if I raise the subject again we separate...when do I sit and talk it out???

I don't think you can until you are on a more equal footing. Sadly your key here is work, independence and charged child care costa. He is the dad and should pay towards this.

He doesn't want you to pay towards the mortgage because if you did you might have more of a claim on the property. Instead, he's letting you pick up day-to-day living expenses while he effectively swells his pension pot. You might be his best friend but he is not yours.

You are only not financially secure because you bore his child. Without that you would presumably be in full time employment.

You cannot 'sit' and 'talk out' marriage with someone who threatens to end the relationship if you ever bring the subject up. Not possible.

So you either accept his terms or set your own.

I'm not married.

We are both not bothered about marriage to be honest. He is a high earner I work part time. Although I don't contribute to the mortgage directly.... I am joint owner of our home legally.

I think you are now in a vulnerable position as you will be earning far less. I think if you are wanting to stay in this relationship you need some form of security.

However getting annoyed on Valentines day and presuming a 'proposal' is coming....is just going to put him off even more.

I thought your sil comment was strange ....if this is meant to be such a wonderful relationship you are in.

Littlemissnutmeg oh my god what a nightmare!

Twinklestein just about sums up how i feel
Amethyst24 never thought of it like that

So he doesn't want you contributing to the mortgage and your name is not on the deeds? Get back to work, split the childcare and be ready if he ends it.

Twinklestein, so far everything you have said is true

Only1scoop SIL comment made me realize perhaps this subject had been discussed without me being present between them at some point as she had some similar views to him... And this particular strange one!
.. As I mentioned previously, we had discussed marriage in the past and before valentines day there had been many small gestures from him that had led me to believe that valentines day was going to be the day.
When it turned out not to be the day I decided not to say anything as I wasn't going to berate him for not asking... Bottom line is I was politely disappointed , it could be seen on my face as it's an emotion! (some people don't hide them that well) I was then pressured into explaining what was wrong and here we are!!

Add message | Report | Message poster MrsMoon76 Sun 23-Feb-14 23:28:20
So he doesn't want you contributing to the mortgage and your name is not on the deeds? Get back to work, split the childcare and be ready if he ends it.
....Unfortunately this looks like all I can do.

I am so disappointed and upset.
I think it's quite obvious his reason for not marrying me is his money.
I just can't get my head round it considering i am not money orientated at all. I love him and just wanted the happy ending and the commitment for me and my baby. Thanks everyone for your really valid points xx

Op ....re the sil thing....I thought that also to be honest.

He has deceived you to some point, especially telling your dad you would eventually marry....

The SIL's comment tells you what kind of people his family are.

he threw a mental fit because I asked him why he hadn't and he said he not only did not believe in marriage, but he will never marry me and if I ever mention it again he will separate!!

This would tell me all I need to know and I would be looking at creating a life for me and my child without him.

Sorry this is happening to you, OP. I'd be devastated too. From our point of view, he looks like a rat. It's easy to feel he's deliberately got you into this position. But I think that's probably quite unlikely really, especially as the pregnancy was unplanned - a surprise, albeit a nice one. You'll know how a baby changes everything about the way you view life- it can be so overwhelming, there's that instinct to batten down the hatches and avoid all risk, not to mention feeling ratty and like you can't give a damn about anyone else sometimes. Emotions are more extreme. Maybe he saw marriage as a necessary evil before but now it feels like the last thing he could be annoyed with.

Your DP had obviously been treating you pretty well in the lead up to Valentine's Day, which is no more than he ought to, but still, let's give him credit for that. Doesn't sound like a man who doesn't want to value you now you're vulnerable, or so uncommitted he's ready to walk. I can just about stretch to imagining that a man who doesn't personally feel an urge to get married - doesn't see the point of it purely for himself. But he does love you and wants to be with you. He expresses that. It's not good enough. The baby's crying. You seem distrustful, as if you think he's going to do a runner and is reluctant to pay for the roof over your head. From that perspective - not saying it's right - it could seem like you're passing over the love he's offering in favour of this contract thing. I'm not trying to justify or excuse what he's done. But it might be less hurtful and easier to resolve if you look at different possibilities for why he's acting like this.

I don't think an ultimatum will get you what you want, and it won't help your DP to think this through in a constructive way. Putting the question of marriage aside, in your shoes, I'd feel the bigger issue was being 'shut up' about a subject on pain of separation. You've got to be able to have a conversation in which both points of view are taken into account and there really is a chance for the thing to go either way. You sound like you've - understandably - got polarised and urgent over this issue, and perhaps he's reacting to that. I wouldn't be too quick to believe what he said on valentine's day. It sounds like he was being a bit silly to me, and maybe there won't be any talking to him for a while. People are like that sometimes; not always their best selves.

Is there any way you can explain that (a) you get scared thinking he's going to walk out if you bring something up, (b) you thought he was going to propose but as he wasn't, you can understand that perhaps it isn't the ideal moment to work through it so soon after having a baby, (c) while you can see that marriage might mean different things to different people, and it's always been important to you - as he's known!, so at some point in the not too distant future you'd like to see if you can find some common ground between you on the issue?

He is bullying you.

He has got you where he wants you. Doesn't want to support you financially and threatens to leave you if you mention marriage. If he really loved you, he would not be able to give you such ultimatums because he would be afraid of you leaving.

Remember that when you leave him, as you must, he will have to contribute to your DD's upbringing via the CSA which will be a lot more than he is giving you now. And bloody serve him right.

And don't get me started on his sister who seems to think you should be grateful for the couple of crumbs he chucks you from his table of plenty.

OP, a friend of mine has a partner who said he will never get married. They have a child together. She suspects two things: he loves his money too much; he doesn't see her as partner for life. But I think the reaction from your SIL should tell you more than enough about him. I would suggest you not to ask him about marriage anymore but find out what will happen if you separate. Perhaps someone here can give you a legal advise. Another thing about my friend's partner that although he has saved a lot he is not that eager to spend his money on his child and even food. They are separating and it is complicated due to not being married.

Both his sister and her brother are nasty pieces of work.

He is not responsible financially for you but he is financially responsible for his child. I would get the authorities onto him for child support asap.

Honestly I would plan for life as a single parent and separate from this abusive man asap. There is no future for you with him and I do not think unfortunately this ever was a healthy relationship from the beginning.

He does not sound like a nice man. Not wanting to get married is one thing, but leading you to expect marriage, waiting till after you'd had his baby and then behaving as you've described on valentine's day is horrible.

DO NOT reduce your hours at work or you will be in an incredibly difficult situation if you split up. Insist that he pays for childcare instead. You should consider going to a solicitor to make sure you and the baby have some financial protection.

The two key things here are:

He clearly has been talking about you negatively to his family. As a worst case scenario, he may echo his sisters views.

He does not want to have any kind of financial relationship with you. He is not concerned about you being financially secure, and actively wants to keep you at arms length from financial affairs.

I'm sorry to say, the marriage issue is the least of your worries .

Do NOT reduce your hours at work if you're not married. You would be completely screwed financially if you split up. I totally agree with others - he doesn't want you contributing to the mortgage because that would give you rights in the property. He's happy enough to take money off you for other things that don't give you rights.