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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im self destructing

30 replies

holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:22

I should name change but can't be bothered I always get it wrong

Got to just get something off my chest

I am becoming more and more a risk taker.
It's like a compulsion or maybe a self destruct?

I don't know. I seem to have given my number out a lot on a night out. 4 men called me yday.

It gets worse.
I feel numb about it but I think im looking for an escape.

I was abused as a child and raped as a teenager but have always used sex to make myself feel better.

I'm not even that young..mid 40.

I've been called a slag by 2 people close to me in the last couple of weeks

I cant do normal relationships

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 23/02/2014 15:25

No, you clearly don't have much luck with relationships, given that your 'friends' choose to call you a slag! How dare they!

Are you in a relationship? If not, then you're not doing anything wrong as such but you're clearly not happy, and for this reason it needs to change.

You say "it gets worse" - in what way? Do you have any real, non-judgemental friends?

StealthPolarBear · 23/02/2014 15:26

the only person who judges your life, and whose opinion matters, is you.

Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:30

No relationship. My ex cheated. That broke a lot of trust. Trust is something I've never really been able to do.

I actually feel happier alone though

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 23/02/2014 15:32

Good for you.
So what is the problem (genuine question)? You meet someone, you like them, you have sex with them, they have your number, they call you? Is it that you actually don't want to be doing this? Or are you choosing the wrong man, any man? Do you have children?

RandomMess · 23/02/2014 15:32

Please find yourself a very good qualified therapist - pyscotherapist and deal with the hurt you are carrying before you self destruct.

StealthPolarBear · 23/02/2014 15:33

OP I asked what you mean by "it gets worse", don't answer if you don't want to. You say you're self destructing/risky behaviour and I believe you, the details don't matter too much.

Smartiepants79 · 23/02/2014 15:38

Are you taking risks in other areas of your life or just this?
Have you thought about finding something else to channel this need into?Something risky but safe it you get what I mean.
Can you try minimising the impact the behaviour has on the rest of your life? Giving out email details rather than numbers. Set up a new, free email for just that.
Have you had any help/councilling to help you deal with the past?
Not sure if any of this is helpful. I've not experienced this myself.
I think you have already done the hardest bit, recognising the behaviours are a problem and trying to make some changes.

Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:45

I dont seem to have any sense of danger or I don't care
yesterday I walked around London not wanting to go home

I have kids yes.

I work.

I am sick of being called vulnerable and or a slag. These are the labels I always get.

The getting worse is the sex with virtual strangers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2014 15:47

Please get some help. I have self-destructed in the past, it's not pretty and the consequences long lasting.

Hugs & Flowers

StealthPolarBear · 23/02/2014 15:50

Who is calling you these things? Because cutting these people from your life needs to be the first priority IMO. With friends like that, who needs self-loathing :o

Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:51

Thanks.

Will try. At least I have seen it for what it is now I suppose

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:51

Ex husband dc dad
and someone at work who decided because I wear skirts I was asking for it

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2014 15:56

Well ignore them. What you have realised is that you are hurting and trying to feel better about yourself through casual sex which you are actually not happy about, hence why I suggest finding someone who can help you.

Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:56

My children are away in holiday times and I only do this then or on a day off by the way

They are my priority 24/7

And I have no support

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 23/02/2014 15:57

Knobhead and rapist then :( .
Their opinions don't matter in the slightest.
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. You deserve better.

Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:57

Thanks random. What kind of thing happened to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 15:58

Thanks stealth, I think I know this but you know I seem to be sort of self harming in this way?
And I kind of enjoy telling them to bugger off after

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2014 16:01

As in when I self-destructed?

Ran away from my life, had more dc, unsuitable relationships.

It's all just a way of both trying to fill the whole the past caused and simultaneously punish myself. Not good.

StealthPolarBear · 23/02/2014 16:01

I think you are very perceptive.

Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 16:18

Thank you random I agree

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2014 16:21

"whole" = hole!!!!

The fact that you are perceptive enough to realise what you are doing will probably mean that you will get a lot out of seeing a psycotherapist or similar. I really struggle with my rational self that sees how I behave and my emotions of how I react. It's certainly an on-going process!

OxfordBags · 23/02/2014 16:24

It's sadly very common for survivors of abuse and rape to behave the way you describe. A good therapist will be able to really help you, taking things at your pace. Even if you weren't tskng these risks, you could do with therapy for your past.

A lot of thisbehaviour is due to having your boindaries destroyed when you were younger, but part of it is a cry for help; putting yourself in potential danger, or in situations you don't really want to be in, is a way of crying out to be rescued - because you weren't saved when you were younger. But the only person who can save you is yourself. Ackowledging that your behaviour is scaring you, and destructive, is the first step. You also owe it to your children for their mother to be safe and alive. Please reach out for professional help.

Original poster
holstenlips · 23/02/2014 16:54

Thanks Oxford. Yes my kids deserve better.
If I didn't have them it'd be a different story. Fwiw I've had tons of therapy in my life.

This doesn't mean I don't need more obviously!

One of my kids is an adult and left home.
The other is away during holidays.
At these times I do worry my luck will run out. And some weirdo will get me. But at the time I don't really care all that much.
I regret giving my number out..ive had to block.

So happy on my own so im not interested in a relationship. They never work.

I am self sufficient. That's a positive.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 23/02/2014 17:03

I didn't mean you are a bad mum, it's obvious how mich you care, just that even if you sometimes don't careabout what happens to you, THEY care.

There's a proper term for what you're doing now, but I can't think of it right now. Basically, you're re-enacting the hurt as a way to exorcise it - your body was not allowed to be safe or respected, you weren't allowed to have boundaries, and, on one level, you're testing the world to see if it's safe now. But it's too dangerous a test.

Seth · 23/02/2014 17:04

Holston . If you are in London then google SLA . Have a read. See if it sounds like you. If you feel able to make it along to a meeting then I think you could find some solace and a great deal of support from people who feel and have felt the same way as you. Good luck .