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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone experienced this?

55 replies

Ifyoubuildit · 23/02/2014 09:45

My lovely friend's DH will not speak to hear, it's been four weeks now. He was like this before Christmas for three weeks and then ok but then they had a minor row about the children's behaviour and he's not spoken to her since. She's tried so hard to make up, she keeps asking to talk, she's asked for a hug, she even made him a valentine's meal but he just rejects her. It's causing so much tension at home, they live in a small house with two young children and you can sense the tension as soon as you walk through the door.

She's at a loss as to what to do and doesn't understand why he's doing this when their argument was relatively minor.

He's refused to talk to her and is completely against counselling. She's terrified that he's pushing her away because he wants it to end. The children are young and she earns very little so doesn't know how she'd cope on her own.

Does anyone have any ideas or experience of this?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2014 11:15

Has she actually asked for your advice in a practical sense, or was she just looking for tea and sympathy? I have no problem with people being furious in this situation, it's just that some are not in the right place to listen and any interference, however well-intentioned, will cause them to close ranks.

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 23/02/2014 11:18

You're right cog, it has been more tea and sympathy, but in a "I don't know what to do" sort of way. I want so much to help, she's so unhappy Hmm

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2014 11:41

You're a good friend and I know how frustrating it is to see someone you care about being treated shabbily, but you may have to save up the info a little & pick your moment. In the meantime, check out that Womens Aid link yourself & it may alert you if there is more to his behaviour than just sulking

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 23/02/2014 11:47

Thanks cog and everyone else. I feel that the advice on here has given me some way of helping her, even if it's just to tell her that the behaviour not normal or ok. I do wonder if the two year old's behaviour could be linked to the tension at home.

I really hope it gets sorted soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 23/02/2014 21:13

So, my friend and her DH have talked. He wants to move out for a month and live in a room nearby to be close to the kids. He wants weekly date nights to "start over" but refuses counselling. He says he doesn't want to split up and isn't having an affair.

I'm not convinced, where will he find the money to do this given how broke they are? He says he can't cope with life in the house and all the tension any more and that something has to change.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 23/02/2014 21:45

Come back Cog and friends!

OP posts:
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 23/02/2014 21:56

Bumping

NorksAreMessy · 23/02/2014 21:57

Oh, the man is a twat, isn't he? Your poor friend. :(

Who knows what is at the bottom of this: an affair? he is a manchild who couldn't cope with being a parent? Or just that he is an abusive cockweasel?
It doesn't matter why he feels like this, the key thing for you now is to support her in her transition to being a single mother.
He ain't gonna be the man he should be, either he can't or won't.

Help her with practicalities, benefits, financial, arranging child are etc, but try not to get too involved (I know that is hard) with the marriage itself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2014 22:08

'All the tension' seems to be created by him from what you originally describe. Hmm Strange thing to say. I can't work out if he's hedging his bets a little, trying to keep your friend in the team but got his eye on someone new, or if he genuinely is trying to opt out of being a grown-up, family responsibilities etc. The fact that he's moving out 'for a month' is remarkably precise. Could indicate there's someone else who needs a few weeks to get their act together.

But enough speculation about him, your poor friend must be in bits. She's going to need emotional and practical help, especially if there is no money.

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 23/02/2014 22:12

I think she will be but at the moment she's so matter of factly I can only assume it'll take a while to hit home. I think she believes they'll sort it out Hmm

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 23/02/2014 22:21

I'd go out every night.

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 23/02/2014 22:28

What do you mean bad?

OP posts:
thenightsky · 23/02/2014 22:47

I'd go out every night too.

badbaldingballerina123 · 23/02/2014 23:02

I mean I would literally go out . Every night. Why creep around him kissing his arse? It only lets him know how much it bothers her and puts him in a position of power.

I've no time for this nonsense and its a well known emotional abuse tactic , favoured in particular by narcissists. I also don't believe the moving out crap, I think it's an empty threat meaning be better to me or I may leave.

I'd tell I'm to go , but I'd point out he will have to have the kids regular as I've arranged lots of nights out . He sounds like a power freak .

KidsDontThinkImCool · 24/02/2014 06:33

I don't know, none of it sits right. I still think there may well be someone else and this is just a way of easing into it because he's too much of a coward to fess up. Then he can claim he met the OW after he'd moved out.

Having said that, even if he is genuine, a few "date nights" are not going to sort out the serious issues that are obviously present in their marriage. If they don't get to the bottom of a.what he was so upset about in the first place and b.his total inability to communicate, trying again will be totally doomed. A couple of romantic evenings might make things seem better temporarily but it will only be a sticking plaster.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/02/2014 06:39

TBH 'date nights' just sounds like a selfish way for him to duck out of all the balls-ache, grown-up, real-life stuff of running a family and join in only when the kids are out of the picture. How old is this guy?

Sparklysilversequins · 24/02/2014 06:40

He's met someone else.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 24/02/2014 06:45

Yep Cogito, I agree. He wants to go off and get some peace and quiet, not have to look after his family and just have a nice night out with his wife who will probably be totally shattered from being a single parent. This may then give him more cause to sulk, accuse her of not making an effort, excuses for him to stay away.

Problem is, OP's friend is probably terrified of losing him. I bet she's scared of being on her own, convinced she wouldn't cope and thinks she should do whatever it takes to keep him. Until she stops being so scared (no small task I realise) she won't think about what she really needs and deserves out of the relationship and he will be able to manipulate her and get whatever he wants.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/02/2014 06:48

One accidental up-side of him moving out is that she may discover she can cope after all. Many do.

Logg1e · 24/02/2014 06:54

It's a great solution for him - none of the hard stuff, fun and sex with his wife when he chooses and her trying to win him back.

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 24/02/2014 07:00

Yes, unfortunately she can't go out as she works nights, it's a good point though, maybe he is just calling her bluff so that she starts to bow to his every need. Maybe she should just let him go and make the point that she will decide if and when he ever comes back?

I wish I could see inside his head.

He's in his late 30s btw, they've been together for about 15 years, married for 6.

I just wish there was some money to give her more freedom. Given that she works shifts, I don't know how she's going to be able to get more work as she doesn't have any night time child care, even less now.

It feels like he has all the power.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 24/02/2014 07:09

I always hope women will fall out of love with silly men like this, and move on.That kind of behaviour can kill any attractiveness you felt towards a person like that. 4 weeks? I seriously couldnt be bothered. He no doubt loves her crawling to him. What is he? God/King/The Last Man On Earth? Id blank him in the same way, get on with my own life and see to DC's life, and get as much legal advice/info I could so as to know how Id manage apart from him.

mummytime · 24/02/2014 07:23

Get her to go to CAB, if he moves out she may well be entitled to benefits. She probably should also go to see a solicitor and start to get things moving in the way of maintenance for the children.

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 24/02/2014 09:15

Thanks. I will do when the shock wears off. Also, I can remember reading a thread ages ago where someone posted a link to a website that showed you what benefits you could claim. Does anyone know what this is called?

OP posts:
Amethyst24 · 24/02/2014 09:41

I'd be telling him that he's welcome to move out, but he'll still be doing the same share of childcare. Otherwise your friend will end up run even more ragged, struggling even more for money because she can't take on as much work, and even more likely to take him back and put up with whatever twattish behaviour he throws her way in future because it's easier than managing alone.