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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce/separation- did you sell the house?

46 replies

PPaka · 22/02/2014 22:50

H will rent a flat closer to work, plan was that I would stay in the house with ds. I couldn't afford to buy him out and I couldn't get mortgage by myself anyway.
To be reviewed periodically- ie, if I go back to work full time.

But as there is a substantial equity in the house, I'm thinking of selling and using the profit for rental, could afford the same kind of house, bigger garden, closer to ds's school.

Main benefit would be that I would then have financial independence and not have to put up with H's abuse re getting a job, and him paying for everything etc
It would also take the pressure off having to get a high paid(high pressure) job, and get more of a 9-5.

Is there anything I'm missing? Obviously the funds would diminish over time.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 22/02/2014 22:52

Personally, I would stay in the house as long as possible if you can.

Earlybird · 22/02/2014 22:57

If there is substantial equity in the house, could you sell it and purchase a smaller house or flat outright?

It is so hard to get on the housing ladder, and with prices increasing every year, would hate for you to 'fritter away' equity funds in monthly rental payments.

One other thing: if you stbx is unhappy that he is 'paying for everything' would think that moving to a larger house could be inflammatory.....not that you need to make decisions based on his opinion any longer..

Earlybird · 22/02/2014 22:58

how old is your ds?

Is he your only child?
Are you working now?

Original poster
PPaka · 22/02/2014 23:06

No, couldn't buy anything outright
Ds is 6, only child, no I'm not working now. H earns v good salary
Wouldn't be a bigger house, but nice.
I have so many bad memories in this house, I think starting afresh would be good, but worry about ds.

I'm still actually in the mortgage ladder as I still have my old flat(v small) but that's rented out on buytolet.
He'd have to agree to let me keep that, I think he would

OP posts:
Earlybird · 22/02/2014 23:21

Your ds has a lot of change/upheaval in his life atm, so might be best to not change everything all at once for him (presume he is in primary school?).

Maybe you could stay in the current house but repaint some rooms, rearrange furniture, get slipcovers and new bedlinen? Might help you erase some of the old memories. DS might enjoy redecorating his room too.

Original poster
PPaka · 22/02/2014 23:37

The bad memories will take more than a lick of paint unfortunately. More like doors don't close cos H kicked them, crack in doorframe from when I locked myself in the bathroom when he tried to kick in the door

I know I have to think about ds, I have to consider that carefully, but he talks a lot about getting a new house!
I just don't know

OP posts:
AmazingJumper · 22/02/2014 23:57

Life's too short to be miserable and the place where you live has a massive effect on your mood I think.

Since you have a flat that you rent out then I think it's actually a good idea.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 23/02/2014 00:08

I don't understand. Is xdh paying mortgage on the house you are in now? Or are you paying out of maintenance?

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/02/2014 00:10

We sold and split the revenue. I got 2/3 (because I had DS), he got 1/3. After all marital debts were paid.

It was a fair settlement.

Original poster
PPaka · 23/02/2014 00:16

Nothing has changed in the way we pay bills/mortgage, he's still transferring same amount to cover everything
Just because nothing official yet, it's early days

OP posts:
Jux · 23/02/2014 00:17

I'd sell. You don't want to spend the next 12 years living in a place with those sort of memories attached. Exh sounds like he might hold it over your head that you're still living in 'his' house. Get it split, and start afresh.

Original poster
PPaka · 23/02/2014 00:32

I don't think he'll ever give up on the "I'm paying for this house, you get everything, it's my house"

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 23/02/2014 00:36

Are you on both the deeds and the mortge for this house?

Original poster
PPaka · 23/02/2014 00:48

Yes, joint

OP posts:
theoldtrout01876 · 23/02/2014 01:07

I kept the house. I was given the right to stay in it till youngest had finished full time education and the right to buy it at fair market value whenever I wanted and he wasnt allowed to refuse to sell it to me. I bought it 18 months after the divorce

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2014 05:28

I kept my house but I took over the mortgage (no equity at the time) and had no contribution from the ex. In the situation you describe, I would sell up and start fresh with the cash rather than be in any way reliant on this violent man for the roof over my head. Pay your own way and be self-sufficient as far as you can and treat any maintenance you get from him as a bonus. You know him best and if you think he'd use the threat of no money to keep controlling you, then eliminate that possibility.

Coelacanth · 23/02/2014 07:48

We sold and it was the best decision for everyone. I rented for a while whilst I decided what to do and last year I bought my own place. Moving really was the most significant factor in my recovery.

paxtecum · 23/02/2014 07:57

I should have sold the house when we got divorced, but bought him out instead.

I was surrounded by his DIY and had no money to do anything than paint it.

Eventually I sold it and wished I done it earlier.
You are surrounded by reminders of his violence.
I'd recommend that you move to 'your' house.

Your DS will be at the same school so not too many changes for him.

louby44 · 23/02/2014 08:15

With my exh we sold our house and I got 2/3. I bought a new house with a mortgage.

Now I'm separated from my exP and trying to sell this house, don't want to live here at all as I have very little money left once all the bills are paid. Plus I too want a fresh start.

If you do stay I would have a solicitor make some sort of contract for you stating that he can't withdraw payment, just for your piece of mind.

Fleminggot · 23/02/2014 08:33

I can't afford to buy my ex out as we have lots of equity in our house, however because the house was ours I find it hard to make it feel just mine.

If you do sell and rent you wouldn't be entitled to certain benefits as you'll have cash in the bank over a certain amount. You also wouldn't be entitled to housing benefit as you own a flat (I might be wrong tho).

MargotLovedTom · 23/02/2014 08:51

Could you sell your flat then have enough combined with half the equity to buy a house outright?

hippo123 · 23/02/2014 08:58

I wouldn't do anything to hasty and seek legal advise. Renting is normally more expensive than a mortgage per month, the house is never your own to paint etc as you want, often they are in poor condition, you can be kicked out with only a months noticed, decent rental properties in my area are very hard to come by, and the money you get from selling will soon disappear to nothing.
I can understand you wanting to move but you need to do what's best for you and ds in the long term. Get a decent solicitor to advise you.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 23/02/2014 09:01

Sell and downsize; if at all humanely possible get yourself to a situation where the only money he is paying you is child maintenance. You can't get away from him because you've got DS so the less he has over you the better.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 23/02/2014 09:14

Ppaka "I don't think he'll ever give up on the "I'm paying for this house, you get everything, it's my house""

Trust me, you don't want this hanging over your head!

You need to find a way to get him off the mortgage and title deeds. This may take some time if you're not working but try and work out a plan over the next 2 or 3 years. If your DS is 6 he will be in school. The best thing you could do for your own sense of security is get a job, even a part time one, so that a year down the line you will be in a better position.

I was in very similar situation when ex & I first split. Plenty of equity in the house but I wasn't working (actively looking for work but on benefits at the time because I used to work for him) so couldn't have gotten a mortgage on my own. We agreed he would rent and I would stay in the house for up to 3 years until I could afford to sell or buy him out. We also agreed he has no 'rights of occupancy' and that he couldn't pressure me to give up the house sooner...but none of that means shit to him.

We have all this in a signed minute of agreement but he still comes in and refuses to leave because he says it is "his house". He lies to the kids and tells them he is allowed to stay because pays for everything (he doesn't, he pays child maintenance, that's it). He has threatened to have me evicted. He constantly pressures me to sell etc..you get the idea. It's horrible and exhausting and stressful.

Anyway...I've now been working for over a year and can finally get a mortgage in my own name. I'm so fucking sick of his bullying and threats - I can't wait until he can't hold that over me again.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 23/02/2014 09:15

Oh, and when I said work out a plan - do it with a solicitor. Get it in writing!