Divorce/separation- did you sell the house?

[PPaka]

H will rent a flat closer to work, plan was that I would stay in the house with ds. I couldn't afford to buy him out and I couldn't get mortgage by myself anyway.
To be reviewed periodically- ie, if I go back to work full time.

But as there is a substantial equity in the house, I'm thinking of selling and using the profit for rental, could afford the same kind of house, bigger garden, closer to ds's school.

Main benefit would be that I would then have financial independence and not have to put up with H's abuse re getting a job, and him paying for everything etc
It would also take the pressure off having to get a high paid(high pressure) job, and get more of a 9-5.

Is there anything I'm missing? Obviously the funds would diminish over time.

I live in London, so prices are ridiculous
I don't think I could ever buy him out, even selling my flat.
Selling both wouldn't work either, unless I moved 200miles away, which isn't an option.
To buy anything like what I'm living in now I'd need £0.5m mortgage, that's just not possible. I could make the payments, but no-one would give me the mortgage.
I think you're right about benefits, Fleminggot, but if I have £150k in the bank it's right I'm not entitled to benefits

His payments would cover most of my rent, and then I'd be dipping in to the profit by maybe 1-2k per month and whatever I work would be a bonus
I'm making money from home right now, but it's early days

I'm just trying to get the plan in my head, to take to solicitor and get make legal/formal
He doesn't want to sell, he thinks its too much upset for ds, but I think he just wants to retain control of me.
I know I could get ds excited about a new house, and he rarely sees his father anyway

None of this is going to happen overnight, it will take time to sell anyway

We also have interest only mortgage anyway, so a repayment mortgage would be similar to rental payments

Confusing myself now!!

Ppaka - don't be so sure you couldn't ever buy him out. At least speak to someone and go through the numbers. I was able to get lots of good, free advice from a mortgage advisor connected my local estate agent. The advice is free in the hopes that if and when i do sell I will go through him. Also speak to a solicitor and find out what kind of deal you might be able to expect to to work out.

You wouldn't have to be able to offer your XP the full value of the house or even 50% given the disparity in income and the fact that DS lives with you. It would probably be more like 30% of the equity.

You're right that it's probably not going to happen quickly. But start speaking to both a solicitor and mortgage advisor - it will help you develop a plan.

I'm with you on the selling up and starting afresh. Worked for us and our place was worth a great deal less than yours by the sound of it.

I don't get the sums there - I live in easy commuting distance to London and you could get a pretty decent house here for less than the £0.5m you say you would need to borrow. I paid a lot less than that for a 3 bed semi, not in the most salubrious area but not awful. OK, DS would have to change school but there are some quite decent schools in the area. Hopefully he would view it all as part of the adventure. (We moved just as youngest DS was going to secondary school so he would have been changing anyway.)

I suppose it depends what kind of lifestyle you're used to. My solicitor said it's no good saying we're divorcing and we both want the same sized house we had before in the same good area; it just isn't possible. (I was well aware of that, but I don't think XH quite got his head round it...)

Ds isn't moving schools, that's the one thing that we are both agreed on
He goes to an independent school, and it's priceless

We live in a not so nice area of a v nice suburb in a small 3 bed terrace which would cost £750k

Yes I could downsize, if all else fails I could move us back to my tiny flat, but really why should I?
Right now, H can afford to rent a fancy riverside flat and pay for this house. And he has spending money.
I'm at his mercy for everything. I have nothing extra.
If we sold up, he'd have cash in the bank to do whatever he wanted, he'd be paying much less for us.
And I'd be free of him, to a degree

I also don't actually want to stay in the house, practically I'm not using the space properly now it's just me and ds, I could be closer to his school, and I would like to not think about how H broke the washing machine every time I put on a wash load!

I'd downsize in your position, I think staying in the house and having your ex pay gives him too much power over you.

Go for it!

I thought I couldn't buy my ex out of the house but some lenders take maintenance payments/tax credits etc as income. Also you could consider a guarantor.

Good luck

I don't understand why you don't sell the house, also sell your flat and put that money together to buy a modest 2 bed near to your son's school.

Better to own somewhere than be constantly dipping into savings in order to rent.

Because right now I don't have an income so couldn't get a mortgage
And even a modest 2 bed close to school is £500k

If I went back to work I wouldn't even have to dip into savings

I'm just not sure having a mortgage is everything
Maybe actually having a holiday or buying a new car

I didn't know lenders take maintenance payments as income, do you know which lenders?

I do have a solicitor, but as she seems to charge me per word, I'd rather figure it out than ask for her advice

Yes lenders will often consider at least a percentage of maintenance and tax credits. Phone round some local estate agents and see if any offer free mortgage advice. Slater Hogg do it here.

I sold the house and bought something smaller. It's been great to get rid of so much stuff we didn't need (including ex haha). A fresh start has been great for us. We are making new happy memories in our lovely new space. If you could it would be better to downsize with your equity so that you have invested it into something that's just yours. Good luck.

As you own another property elsewhere I too would think sod it and rent somewhere to be free of him. As you own a property elsewhere you will never be entitled to benefits.

If you can get work and try and not spend your savings then if the time is ever right then that will be a nice deposit.

Well, the "why should I" is that in my opinion your ex's salary becomes as irrelevant to your options as, say, your next door neighbour's salary.

If you've stopped work or changed work to support him and both your son, then that absolutely should be reflected in your settlement.
And he must pay for his son.

But beyond that - he just becomes some guy that you have a different income from.

It does sound like you'd be happier moving out, and I'm sure your son would be fine with it.

I don't think chipping away at your savings (after sale) is a good idea though.

But whether you sell up and rent, or look to buy, I think you need to accept that you're going to a smaller / less "desirable" property.

I might in your position rent temporarily if I was planning to go back to work (or your home working business is projected to grow enough for mortgage) but I would go for a smaller cheaper house, not try to maintain the same.

With the financial control thing though - remember you have a choice about feeling controlled.

If he says he's paying for everything, and you just think "well, you're not, it's a fair settlement so nob off you cock" then he simply gets no control from it.

In my case, ex couldn't afford to buy me out, but he could afford to take on mortgage. He also has a prospect of buying me out later. I could have taken on mortgage but other outgoings too high. And I'd never be able to buy him out. So I proposed he stay put (for our daughter's continuity) take over the mortgage and I put a legal charge on for my equity.

I don't think for a moment that he feels controlled by me having an interest in a third of the house!

I bought a smaller place - and I'm really happy here.

Having a job gave me mortgage options. If I were you I'd get back to work ASAP once settlement is sorted. Once you've got a mortgage you can concentrate on your business instead.

But I think you need to get out of the mindset that thinks about his riverside apartment. Get a fair settlement, but then you have to let it go that he earns more than you.

You should do what you feel is best but I would take legal advice about it. Your h if there is a disparity in earnings has a legal responsibility to continue financially supporting you until you can get work which will keep you in a reasonable position.

The aim of financial settlements on divorce is to maintain the family's lifestyle as close to what it was during the marriage. They'll also consider getting you to be independent of each other within a reasonable amount of time.

I would beware falling into a trap of giving away everything for an easy life because he is reluctant because it may leave you struggling and him well off which will then become a source of tension and could potentially negatively affect his relationship with ds not just your ability to get back on your feet.

A good solicitor would be able to go through all of this with you and help you decide what is best.

I wouldn't rent as an option if I could afford to buy. Presumably if you do sell the house the equity would have to be split with your ex if you couldn't have afforded to buy him out. I agree that it would be best for you to have a complete split. Why not sell and buy a cheaper place.

Do you have a view from your solictor on a possible settlement? maybe moving is sensible but I would suggest you find out likely settlement from the assets of the marriage (house, flat, pensions) and then see what possible.

I also agree with Cabrinha's post, it about getting you to a position of being independent.It maybe be a smaller house but that would be preferable to renting.We rented whilst moving to a new area and it wasn't a positive experience, you pay a fortune yet you have no security.The regular checks are frustrating and the lack of ability to change anything wears you down, especially if you have been a house owner.
I would focus on the settlement and then getting a job as that will bring clarity to the financial position.l know you feel controlled (and no doubt your ex feels hacked off at having to support you) but look to your future and just see this as a difficult and uncomfortable transition step.

I would discuss your options with a Financial Advisor, who will understand all the pros and cons of how to manage your flat, equity, possibility of a mortgage etc.

Could you use money from the house sale to pay off your flat so that the rent is your income? Or you may be as to use the flat as security against a mortgage. Don't forget you will be entitled to more than half the house value because of housing DS.

I suspect your exH and his solicitor would take your flat into account in a split of assets though. What assets did exH bring to the marriage?

I can see why you want out of the house and to be free if entanglement with him.

Ugh, the whole thing is a minefield. My darling ex has just backed out of an agreement to let me buy him out. Again. He's done nothing but put pressure on me to either sell up or buy him out - poor me, it's so unfair on the kids i have to have such a small place, i'll be homeless soon blah blah - and yet every time I actually try to do something he finds an excuse to back out. I can't figure out whether his lawyer told him he could hold out for more money or whether its just a control thing. Really wish the whole thing was done already.

I think the problem is that change will inevitably be coming, but at the moment you have little or no information upon which to base your decisions.

The best thing is to start putting 'feelers' out in different directions in order to get as much information as possible:

• look at jobs and consider applying. It will be good experience to go through an interview and you can always turn it down if it is offered and does not suit your situation.

• get a valuation on your rental flat

• go and visit rental properties. Actually seeing what you might get for your money and what it would be like to live there is very different to looking online.

• talk to a solicitor

Best wishes.

Cabrinha and Offred, your posts kinda contradict each other, i think his salary is v relevant, as 12% of 300k is v different to 12% of 50k.
Ftr- I did give up my career for our family, and his job. And I have supported him massively as he's progressed, which he has acknowledged. I even actually helped him with the original interviews which got him the job, I coached him on the things he didn't know.

I've been applying for jobs on and off for the last 3 years
The last one, there were 2 roles and I came 3rd!
I actually have an interview on thursday and I'm doing a back to work program on Friday
Thing is, I'm just starting to make money from home, so I'm not sure whether I should just continue with that

First thing I did was get the house and my flat valued, so I knew what my options were

Rental income isn't enough to live on, if I pay off mortgage, but worth thinking about

I have a solicitor, I'm just reluctant to spend any more money at this stage, so I'd rather sort things out with H, and go to the solicitors with a proposal, or it might be mediation
The solicitor originally told me to stay in the house, but that was when I was thinking of going to my tiny flat, before I'd actually thought that selling might be a god idea.

I understand about division of assets being in my favour because I will have ds.
But I'm happy to negotiate on that, e.g, split house profits 50/50 if I can keep hold of my flat.
H brought nothing, deposit was mine too.

At the moment H is being v conciliatory, but who knows how long that will last
And I want to get something down on paper, and then I'll feel like I can move forward