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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Exh's dp has contacted me, re possible emotional abuse

44 replies

peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:12

Exh and I split up in 2008 no contact since, no DC together dd1 was 9 at the time and we had been together since she was 3. The reason for splitting up was he was lovely with did to start with (for 4 years) then when we married he seemed to change
. No shouting or obvious nastiness just little things like making her feel a bit stupid for not grasping her times tables. Or making her sit and finish her dinner even if unwell/tired. As far as our relationship went at the time I thought it was OK, looking back I realise I spent a lot of time walking on eggshells.
Often I would get the silent treatment for days without really knowing what I had done. I would then beg for forgiveness or just do anything to get him back onside. I asked him to go for counselling and he broke down and told me to go' in his mind if he couldn't talk to me then he couldn't talk to a stranger
. I did leave and move back to my home town that I had left 15 years previously. His current do of 5 years has contacted me on the dreaded fb at the end of her tether asking me if he behaved in the above manner with me after a few years or if it is down to her? Do I contact her or not? Sorry just realised how long this is.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:13

Sorry for lack of paragraphs' on phone and it has a mind of it's own!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2014 20:15

I would reply and say yes that replicates your relationship with him. Hopefully it will give her the strength to leave the abusive git.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 22/02/2014 20:16

Given she's asked the question, I'd answer.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/02/2014 20:16

How do feel about it. Do you think meeting up with her might help?

bigbuttons · 22/02/2014 20:17

Yes you must reply. This woman probably feels she is going crazy and needs some validation.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 22/02/2014 20:19

I'd answer but also explain that you don't want to get involved. Because you have been no contact and no good can come of getting in the middle for you.

Dear x,
Yes, that is exactly what happened with me and sbxh, however I have been no contact with him for x amount of years so would prefer to not get involved. It isn't you it is him.

mammadiggingdeep · 22/02/2014 20:21

Agree with readytopop...

Make sure there's nothing on your Facebook profile that gives your whereabouts away if you think she'll/anyone else will see your page...

pluCaChange · 22/02/2014 20:21

If you reply to her, could it be by phone/skype, so he can't find the messages and interfere?

What do you think she's trying to achieve, a witness statement or just confirmation that she's not imagining things? You don't mention whethrr they have DC together, but if that is a factor, or could be (for example, if she's pregnant), your confirmation could be very helpful.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2014 20:23

Readys reply is good.

What's stopping you? Are you concerned that it will bring him back in you life or was she not nice or...?

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:23

jilted she lives too far to meet up but I think if she is as desperate as I felt towards the end I might message her back or give her my phone number if she wants to call. I do know of her through mutual friends. We are all both ex forces, he is still serving and she is a bright and confident woman. She said she is asking now as they were considering buying a place instead of renting. It took me a few years to realise what he had done was abuse, and Mumsnet!

OP posts:
BetterDaze · 22/02/2014 20:25

I also say reply and tell her it's not her, it's him. It helps.

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:31

I am not worried about him finding me, don't think he would care where I was. More that if he found out it could be harmful to her. Think I will pass my number via a mutual trustworthy friend. Thank you for replying' I thought I might be biased and interfering.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:33

Sorry no DC together (them) not sure about her being pregnant although that could explain the timing of contact?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2014 20:35

Not interfering at all. She's reaching out for answers. I would give her them. Hope it goes ok, op.

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:38

Thanks, will send a message to my friend (of 15 years) who is friendly with her sister. My friend was aware of everything as I used to go and spend all day there whenI was being frozen out more some minor offence that I was unaware of.

OP posts:
Anonymai · 22/02/2014 20:38

How do you know for sure it's her? Could be him.

jayho · 22/02/2014 20:43

I posted a similar request to exdp's ex, she responded and put my mind at rest, for which I'm eternally gratefully. Do it if you feel you can.

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:45

Anonymai good point but the despair in her message rang bells. He would have to be very aware of his behaviour and effects to write it. Also I genuinely believe he couldn't give a shit what I was doing or how Iwas. We have so many mutual forces mates he could find out if he really wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:47

jayho have just sent a text to my friend. From your message I am doing the right thing. Hope you are happier now.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 20:48

I just want to thank everyone for bothering to read and reply.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 22/02/2014 20:51

I would reply

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 22/02/2014 20:54

It's all leaves a bit of risk by doing it your way (that your friend will get in touch with sister, that sister will get in touch..)

If she messaged you via FB she clearly feels she is safe in doing so.

NachoAddict · 22/02/2014 21:00

I would just reply to her Facebook message. Short and to the point as people have said upthread.

lunar1 · 22/02/2014 21:04

I think she would make sure FB was secure before contacting you in this way

Original poster
peppapigmustdie · 22/02/2014 21:06

OK, after further advice have composed this
Hi, sorry you are feeling so unhappy. All I can say is that what you describe is exactly what happened with * and me. It didn't get better in fact the silences became longer.Nothing you try and do will make a diffencr from my experience. I hope this helps.

Help me edit if needs be.

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