Name changed for this because I'm embarrassed by my own behaviour. It will probably get long.
My husband has left me. We've been married 2 years and have 2dc, a teenager from my previous relationship and a 1yr old. The 1yr old is currently being investigated for some serious health concerns.
H walked out yesterday because we had an argument. He says that our marriage isn't working because I'm upset with him all the time.
The reason I'm posting is I think he might be abusive but I'm not sure if actually it's me. I need to work it out for my own peace of mind because at the moment I feel confused and lost.
History:
Our relationship has been pretty terrible. I had an affair before we were married, H knows about this and forgave me. There's no excuse for cheating of course and I'm not trying to justify it but to give some idea of the circumstances, I was under a lot of pressure at the time.
I was financially supporting the family due to H having been out of work for some years, he was supposedly looking for work but in reality mostly played computer games, H was angry a lot of the time and complained a lot about me being lazy about housework (that's sort of fair, I didn't do much but I worked full time and he was at home doing nothing, no childcare or anything). I tried not to nag about him getting a job but it hurt me that he wasn't putting any effort in. He would get annoyed if I brought it up, even if I tried to do so in a non nagging way.
I lost a lot of respect for him, was unhappy in my life and should have left. The affair was escapism, with an older man who could have taken care of me, taken the pressure away. My MH at the time was very fragile which probably contributed too.
I have been violent to H. While I was pregnant we argued and he was awful to me, shouting in my face, calling me a slut and whore, punching doors and smashing things. I reacted by self harming by cutting myself with scissors. H tried to take them from me and I hit him to get him off. He then phoned the police and physically restrained me to prevent me from leaving the house, I hit out several times trying to get away. He told the police I had assaulted him and was crazy and needed locking up, they took me to hospital and I saw a duty psychiatrist who didn't think I was crazy and let me go home.
He has also been aggressive towards me, throwing cups towards me (but not directly at me, just so they smash next to me) and pushing and shoving me, including while I was holding our tiny baby.
H has accused me of being very controlling, not letting him see his friends, I don't think this is true but when DC was newborn he left me on my own with the baby 4 nights a week so he could go to his mates and I did say I thought it was too much and unfair to me. He's cut down to 1 or 2 nights a week now, I don't complain about this, I'm not sure if he still resents me for controlling him.
H sometimes gets annoyed if I call or text him while he's out because that's also controlling, if I say anything negative such as dc has been grumpy or ask what time he might be home then that's unreasonable. I've only been out 2-3 times since having DC but H has rung me every time with DC screaming and screaming in the background to ask when I'll be back (even if I've told him before I go what time I'll be back). H says he thinks I should go out more often and I'd be happier if I did but then when I do go I always end up having to rush home because of dc.
Sometimes if I plan to go out H gets irritable or at least I think he does, he says he's not and I'm imagining it, so I end up not going.
Actually H gets irritable a lot. He gets grumpy and ignores me or speaks to me with this tone in his voice. If I ask what's up he will often deny anything is bothering him, sometimes he'll eventually tell me the issue, sometimes he will just be calmer and nicer later on. I feel on eggshells when he's like that and it's worse when he says it's my imagination.
If I am upset about something H will sometimes be nice, if the thing I'm upset by is related to his behaviour at all then he's not nice. For example if I said i'm feeling very tired, dc has been hard work the past few nights and I could use a break, H would think I was accusing him of not doing enough with dc and would get annoyed with me. If I cry about anything he usually ignores me completely which makes me feel even worse.
He also ignores me if I try and bring up any problems I might have, if he'd said something that upset me for example, if I tell him he will totally blank me like he hasn't heard me speak.
H blames me a lot. For small things on a day to day basis (like not having done the shopping right, he says he's not blaming me because 'he could have done it himself he guesses' but that is still blaming me for it being wrong isn't it? or maybe not) but also for big things, teenage dc was hurt while out with friends and I was upset Hs immediate reaction was 'well it's your fault for not being stricter about where they go'.
He sometimes lies in order to blame me for things. He claims I said things which I didn't say so that it's my fault. Like saying I told him I didn't need any money for food shopping this week so now he won't have enough money to buy me a birthday present (he almost never buys me birthday or Christmas gifts anyway), when I didn't say that.
Other small incidents in our relationship include him phoning my mother and telling her I had PND (I didn't) because I was upset by something he'd done and telling his mother that not only did I have PND but also that I'm a vicious evil slut and was going to stop him seeing his baby who he wasn't sure was even his (he is sure). He has told me several times that if we split up he wants nothing more to do with the DC because it would be too hard for him to see them.
And that's my life. I know if I'd posted about any of this before there would have been lots of LTB replies but he's done the job for you and left me. He was supposed to be looking after DC when I go back to work next month but now will not be, so I'm now left sad and confused and in need of full time childcare soon.
Practical side is we rent from my family, I don't think he'll be difficult about staying away and we have no real assets to split so straight forwards.
If you've waded through all this then thank you, I'd appreciate some opinions - am I controlling? is he abusive? are we both abusive? how do I be better in future. Please be a little gentle though because I'm hurting right now.