Terrified of facing exH in court over our dd - may trigger

[terrificallytremendous]

My exH and I separated 5 years ago. He was abusive in every way - he left me without money for food, he gas lighted me to try and convince me and his family I was bipolar, he bullied me, hurt me and raped me repeatedly. We have a 6 year old dd and he's had contact with her since we split but is now saying he's taking me to court over it. The thought of facing him in court makes me feel physically sick and shake violently. He has a word he used to use when he was going to hurt me and he said it while smirking when dropping dd off yesterday. I need to fight for what's best for dd but even five years old he affects me so much I'm terrified I'll mess it up

It will be very difficult as you will need to relive it and this will be upsetting, I won't pretend otherwise.

You are justifiably living in fear of him and they will not think you are unstable.

They will be very sympathetic and will record everything, they won't challenge or question it.

This is the difficult first step that you need to take, it will feel so much better once you have done it.

Holiday contact is different from regular weekend contact.
Your issues are mostly related to keeping up with school stuff.

They can put provisions in place in court so that you don't have to be in the same room as him if you are very afraid.

The court has to grant leave for a contact order application without looking at the welfare of the child but normally you have to have gone to mediation first. Mediation is not appropriate when you are afraid of your ex so if he takes action mediation will likely contact you first, perhaps do an assessment and you should detail the abuse and how you are still afraid and they should not progress further than that.

If it goes to court the court will look at two things; are you preventing contact and what is in the interests of the child. If you aren't preventing contact they will likely not make an order at all. With regards to what is in the child's best interests they may try asking you to make some different types of arrangements, this is the part you need to be able to establish your case for.

I would recommend you speak to women's aid and also your GP as if you are suffering the psychological effects of ongoing/past abuse this can count as evidence to establish a right to legal aid.

And you don't need to cut now, you should warn him first.

Good luck phoning the police
You are doing the right thing

He sounds demented

Op please stop making excuses as to why you can't take any advice. You are giving him all the power and control here. You say your concern is all about dd, in which case you must do everything you can. Please talk to women's aid or gp in confidence and it cannot/ will not be used against you.

He sounds like a coward and a bully and he is trying to exert what little control he has left over you. The problem is you're the one with the control, you just haven't realised it yet! You NEED to talk to somebody in real life.

You are making so many excuses for not doing any more about this!! Why? It sounds like you don't really want to go to police, Social services etc and just want to vent. That's fine - but in that case, there isn't much more anyone can advise you...

Honestly at 6 none of the other kids would notice she was getting changed or be bothered.

But why should she change at school just because he won't return uniform.

OP I hope you speak to the police, and Women's Aid and to your GP. The anxiety you are feeling is I am sure because of him and it would be good to have it noted. Tell everyone you can who can offer help and support - he is trying to control you with fear, you can stand up to him and you can find lots of support to help you too.

I have emailed women's aid and victim support and asked him to contact me by solicitor only. I spoke to my gp a couple of years ago about my anxiety and she diagnosed anxiety attacks but said she couldn't medicate as they only occurred fortnightly around contact. I can't bring myself to call the police yet - waiting to see what womens aid and victim support sayfirst.

Medication wouldn't be appropriate, but the gp could refer you to counselling so that you get the tools to deal with the natural anxiety around contact times.

Well done Terrifically - you are doing really well.

That's brilliant op, glad you're making the moves and hope they get back to you asap!

actually don't be so worried about going to court. Ask for a defined contact order.
I had the same nightmare and it seems like you are being made the criminal being charged after raising my son alone for 11 years without a single penny in maintenance and long history of abuse and violence and 8 years absence cumulating in him harassing my father who had terminal cancer.
So I cut contact. the cafass decided I was obstructive and called for a defined contact order. the court was horrible.
but actually this is GREAT. you no longer have to deal with him and can call police if he appears/calls etc outside of defined time with clear time place for contact and zero need to speak.
and ex got contact of one afternoon a holiday….

Also, my experience of court is that I put in the request, of contact via Skype or supervised and no holidays.
It didn't actually go to court, just an initial hearing he didn't show up for, and I got full control about contact.

I am actually offering him more contact than he has so I can avoid seeing him (Fri from school - Monday to school) so I'm not worried about a contact order being granted, I just want him to treat our dd better and to stop using her to get at me.

I think you are still hoping that this worthless shitbag of a man will see the llight and be reasonable. HE WILL NOT. Because he's a horrible individual with no redeeming features and he means you harm. So you really need to start treating him like the vermin he is and using the legal protections available to you to stop him bothering you and mistreating your DD.

Exactly what SolidGoldBrass said. Do not under any circumstances think of this man as you would a reasonable person. He isn't.

Be prepared for the change to "extra nice, why can't we be amicable" from him as soon as you start making progress on the legal side.

What contact you are offering is to make your DD's and your life better. It's not a matter of how much contact but whether it is working for your DD and for you.
I wouldn't concentrate so much on the hours, but how it's arranged.
It makes sense that if he has her for the whole weekend and collects and returns her from school, then he's responsible for her homework, coat and school uniform, or stops contact. I'd like to see him explain to the teachers the lack of a coat as not important, or the lack of uniform.
And so that he doesn't have the opportunity to affect you.

In that sense, it is perfectly logic that it's either more contact (as long as it works) or less, supervised, access.

And I fully agree that you cannot expect him to be reasonable. Personally, I treat exH as a spoilt child.

The problem with the films she watches is more delicate, because she told you about it, so if contact is unsupervised, she could get a hard time over it.
In this case, you'd have to stop contact or teach DD to avoid watching those movies.

Well there's been no word from his solicitor as yet and no letter from the court. My last contact with him said to contact me via solicitor unless urgent regarding dd and not to enter or attend my home and so far he hasn't. Womens aid weren't much help surprisingly. They gave me a list of other support organisations but no advice themselves. Haven't heard back from victim support yet.