Terrified of facing exH in court over our dd - may trigger

[terrificallytremendous]

My exH and I separated 5 years ago. He was abusive in every way - he left me without money for food, he gas lighted me to try and convince me and his family I was bipolar, he bullied me, hurt me and raped me repeatedly. We have a 6 year old dd and he's had contact with her since we split but is now saying he's taking me to court over it. The thought of facing him in court makes me feel physically sick and shake violently. He has a word he used to use when he was going to hurt me and he said it while smirking when dropping dd off yesterday. I need to fight for what's best for dd but even five years old he affects me so much I'm terrified I'll mess it up

Keep the emails
Get school on board to keep note of times DD doesn't do homework/have uniform to match up with weekends he had her.
Ignore his "only talk in person" opinion - who cares? You don't have to talk to him.
Has he stated in an email why he refuses to return her to school?

Lots of good advice on here terrifically.

I have nothing to add to the advice but I wanted to share something with you.

I knew a woman who was in a very similar situation as you. Very abusive, manipulative exP who tried every trick in the book to make her life a misery through their dd. He was so bloody convincing with his doting dad act, that he even had me fooled for a while. The mum's biggest fear was that he would manipulate the dd to such an extent that it would damage their relationship beyond repair. She was terrified that once their dd hit the teenage years, then she would choose to live with her father and cut all contact.

The mum fought every step of the way in a calm manner. Always stressing the needs of the dd. She never gave up. Fast forward to now. The dd is 15, a lovely, caring and hard working girl who is everything like her mother and nothing like her father. The relationship between the mother and daughter is very strong. As for the father, he's not that interested now that the dd is old enough to make up her own mind.

The reason I am telling you this is that even if he pulls every nasty trick in the book, you can fight back and their is light at the end of the tunnel.

Why is he bringing you to court?

Notbloody - dd gets very upset over not having uniform and homework done do I end up doing homework with her on Sunday evening when she's tired from no routine all weekend, so not fair on her. We have to walk to school so I have no option but to replace coat and hat etc. I just can't afford to keep doing so. Its parents evening on Tuesday so I'll speak to the teacher then about it all. The only talking in person thing is relevant because if I have an issue or concern - I.e. Dd says she's been watching 15 certificate films which then give her nightmares for a week then unless I discuss it in person, he refuses to change what he's doing to the detriment of dd. He claims his work doesn't allow him to take dd to school but I know he works from home on a Monday so that isn't true.
Thank you, finola - that's encouraging. I just wish it didn't have to be a fight. I just want dd to be happy and after such a long separation hoped he'd have stopped his behaviour by now.

Cailin - he says he's taking me to court because I emailed him regarding holiday dates and asked him to reply by the end of January or else I'd be Making arrangements with dd and he'd have to work round my plans. This is because last year he left it until the second week in July then demanded the week he knew I'd booked to go away with dd in August, before saying Iwas ddenying him contact and threatening court. He didn't reply so I made plans for Feb half-term, he text on the last day of school saying he'd collect her on the day offered and I said it was too late as he didn't reply and we'd now made plans.

Hi op

I think you have a few options here, it is a very disturbing situation that you're in. Now you are separated from him you do hold the cards in terms of what happens.

This man sounds manipulative. My honest advice is to do the following

• tell your dp about the abuse, every single thing that happened. If he is a good man he will hold your hand and help you fight this

• go to the police. Report the abuse, everything that happened. They will believe you, this will also help your case in court. If you turn up at the court and your ex charms the judge it will be less likely they will believe you when you haven't reported it

• find a contact centre, arrange for dd to have handover here so you don't have to see ex.

• look into the pro bono as someone has mentioned above. If totally impossible I suggest having an hour free legal advice to see where you stand.

I know I've done nothing wrong legally - have had my free hour to confirm it. There is a local contact centre but it only runs for a few hours on a Saturday so isn't an option for managing handovers. I have thought about reporting it to the police but with it being years on and with no proof, no charges will be bought but if he knows I've reported him it'll worsen his behaviour. He has a friend who's a violent ex-convict and when I reported him for being abusive at my door this man kept adding me on Facebook, I started receiving mysterious texts etc. He makes snide comments about me being home alone when dd isn't here and I worry he'd have something done to me. He regularly said he'd have me kneecapped if I upset him when we were married. I received a panic alarm from victim support when I told them this but if I reported the rapes etc to the police I think he would take things a step further.

Call 101 and tell them what he's been up to and the threats from the ex con etc. they'll advise you best what to do.

After a series of much more serious threats from exH, I replied that if he hurt me he was hurting DS more, and he'd end up in jail, which would be bad for DS too.
He did calm down after that.

It would be difficult to prosecute past rapes, but you can ensure now that DD does not suffer from his attempts of making your life difficult.

You can tell him that DD having no homework done, no coat or uniform is only harming her. Not you.
And that you will be cutting contact if one of these things is ever missing again.

The same with his harassment, particularly if DD is aware of it.

In particular if you report the threats to the police, if anythin happens to you he'll know he'll be the first person they will look to.
So that is certainly worth doing.

Teeny I reported the adding on facebook at the time and they admitted he was very dangerous, hence the panic alarm but it's not a threat as such is it? It's to make me worry, and it works. He wouldn't hurt me himself, he wouldn't risk his own freedom and knows enough bad people not to have to do it. I have told him the coat being missing etc harms dd instead of me but he wants me to have to beg for them back so he's in control or else for me to stop contact so he can claim I'm a bitter ex, threaten court etc.

Do you think it might work if you threatened to report him to social services?

School handovers. Take some joggers and tshirts into school on Friday and an anorak and trainers. The teacher can have dd change out of uniform before she goes off with ex. I'm sure they'd be flexible about homework too, once htey know what's going on.

You are being eminently reasonable, and can prove it - so long as you have everything in writing. If he won't discuss something except in person then send him an email summing up what was discussed and decided.

In a way it would be good if he were to kick off at you when he's picking her up as that will be witnessed by the school. They will be able to back you up anyway vis a vis school uniform and homework not done.

All of this is grist to the mill. Add it all up. Should he actually go to court then noneof it will show him in a favourable light.

Your dd is 6. She is old enough to be able to talk to a doctor, SW, or someone official about what DVDs her dad's letting her see. It is important that you can document that he's doing this too - send an email along the lines of "as discussed on nth Feb, dd is only 6 and it is not a good idea to let her see films rated 15. They frighten her and give her nightmares. I hope you see that this is not good for her and that you will therefore ensure she only sees appropriate tv/films from henceforth." or whatever. OK, he'll probably ignore it, but you'll have coveered your arse, which is also very important.

Can you just stop contact? I know that some people do until they have an undertaking from the NRP to treat the child/children properly in whatever way.

All considered I'd really be going no contact or supervised at the contact centre.

Report to social services for what? Not returning her things? He claims he's just forgetful and I'm hysterical for asking for them back the following day. Dd is anxious (can you guess why??) and has only just started being confident enough to speak at school. Singling her out by getting her changed on a Friday would set her back I feel. Similarly, with regard to the films and every other undesirable thing he does - she'd be unlikely to speak to anyone about it which he knows,and so ccontinues.

I do have everything documented. He claims he's shown all my emails since separation to his solicitor who agrees he's entirely reasonable and I'm demanding and demented. Of course I don't believe him. Stopping contact altogether would be playing right into his hands and back up his stance that I want to prevent them from having a relationship. He sends me messages calling me deceitful, a liar etc whereas I am never personal andkkeep it about dd so hopefully that'll go in my favour.

Reporting for allowing DD to get out without a coat and not ensuring she makes her homework and takes her uniform.
How can he forget her coat? Surely he has to take her outside the house to return her to your house.

And if you warn him that another instance of forgetfulness and then disregard will lead to lack of contact, it's only fair for not considering the well being of his DD. You will be protecting her.
You are her main carer and have to ensure she is well taken care of. If he can't do minimal care for her, I'd give him a few hours at a contact centre. Or he can tell a judge exactly how he is a fit father.

Singling her out on Friday for getting changed.

OK I can see that, but is it worse than not having a coat or uniform on Monday?

Yes, report to SW about the films. They are utterly inappropriate for her age group, and this could very easily become a child protection issue. People are reported for less, I can assure you, and CP investigate and then decide whether there is a case to answer. At worst, they would look into it and decide there was a case to answer, and at best they'd investigate and decide there wasn't. But dd had a 'friend' who had seen all the Saw movies as they came out, at home. She was then sent to live with her dad as her mum wasn't looking after her properly (it was her mum who let her watch the films, in case that's not clear).

Remember that his solicitor has no actual legal power to compel you to do anything. Only a court can do that. And just because he takes you to court does not mean that he will win.

I would agree with arranging a contact centre and another person to do handovers. If he tantrums at this it won't do him any good as you have so much evidence of his poor behaviour - he doesn't get to have everything his own way just because he thinks he's the important one.

Only to the car then car to my door without a coat Lweji. It's the fact that when I ask for it back and point out its Feb he says it's not urgent and he'll return it if and when he's got time. I have more than one set of uniform so dd has always been correctly dressed for school, but I cannot afford to keep replacing it. Stopping school collection on this basis means I have to see him though, which is precisely what I don't want and he does. I have no one to be there for handovers, which he knows. You have to referred to a contact centre so I can't just suddenly send them there. I have asked that he contacts me via solicitor or email only and that he doesn't enter my house. I really want nothing to do with him but don't want him to make dd suffer because of it.

Where dv has occurred then legal aid is available. WA will be able to tell you more about how to go about getting it. Then you can ensure that school pick up is enshrined and you are more likely to get it moved to a contact centre anyway.

The problem with the contact centre is his, not yours.
If he can't take care of DD properly and you demand a contact centre he should arrange it, or people for handovers.
He is the one who wants to see DD, right?

All the objections you are putting forward are because you take responsibility onto your shoulders.
Make it his responsibility. No coat or no uniform or no homework means no contact over the weekend.
He arranges alternatives that are acceptable to you, or complies.
The film issue does warrant a visit by SS, as you have her word for it. But you can discuss it over email and see what he says about it.

I have thought about reporting it to the police but with it being years on and with no proof, no charges will be bought but if he knows I've reported him it'll worsen his behaviour. He has a friend who's a violent ex-convict and when I reported him for being abusive at my door this man kept adding me on Facebook, I started receiving mysterious texts etc. He makes snide comments about me being home alone when dd isn't here and I worry he'd have something done to me. He regularly said he'd have me kneecapped if I upset him when we were married. I received a panic alarm from victim support when I told them this but if I reported the rapes etc to the police I think he would take things a step further.

I can only go from the case I have direct knowledge so:

The police will absolutely believe you
Charges will be brought (if you're prepared to testify) as these cases are usually only based on the victim's testimony
The threats are designed to keep the victim isolated and stop her going to the police (because it would "make no difference" / "make it worse"), it didn't, it stopped it dead as he was terrified of getting locked up and losing his social status, he could see his name getting in the papers charged with violent rape and that would have been the end of his world, even if he got off.

I can see that an ex-con would be different as they have no status to lose, but that's not your ex.

Surely it looks like I'm making dv allegations just to get legal aid though? And it looks like I'm unstable as he claims for emailing a few weeks ago offering holiday contact then suddenly reducing it to contact centre only?

I'm going to call 101 today and ask for advice about reporting the previous incidents. Dreading it