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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His temper and selfishness is driving me crazy! Help!

31 replies

Lilimum2be · 21/02/2014 01:16

Ok so I've been with my now fiancé for almost 10 years and we are expecting our first baby after mc last year. We are excited but having some teething problems with work and money etc. I recently had no choice but to leave my job BUT my friend has offered me work which will help us tremendously!! My man is not up for it, he says it's because it's too far if something were to happen! It's all going to be on him and I'm not up for that! Yesterday we had a fetal Doppler delivered (that I ordered and paid for) I really wanted to record the heartbeat to share with my family (I'm from a very big family he isn't) he kicked off and said why when it's our baby? Why do we have to tell everyone our business?! He then started swearing and hollering which we agreed we wouldn't do anymore as tiny ears could now hear us to which he replies " I swear I want to punch you hard in your face!!" Honestly I don't know what to do, I'm really stuck. He's not usually like this, he's loving and very caring but he has got a horrible way with words! Hmm

OP posts:
StarSwirl92 · 21/02/2014 02:03

Threatening to punch you is not a horrible way with words. It's threatening and abusive. I'm sorry to say this is a big red flag and in your position I would be having a serious talk about this with him. His behavior needs to change or he needs to leave.

NigellasDealer · 21/02/2014 02:11

"we agreed we wouldn't do anymore"

so you normally argue a lot then?

yet you say "He's not usually like this"

he is really isn't he?

if he is talking to you like that, not wanting you to share things with your family and saying more abusive things than whatever is normal, i would be thinking about leaving. just thinking.

Original poster
Lilimum2be · 21/02/2014 02:19

It's not that we argue a lot it's that we both swear a lot in normal conversation.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 21/02/2014 02:20

Please watch out for yourself, OP. Many men don't reveal their abusive side until the woman is pregnant... Yours may be one of these. This also fits with not wanting to share details with your family and not wanting you to take the offered work. He actually threatened you, so start protecting yourself.

NigellasDealer · 21/02/2014 02:23

it sounds dodgy to me lilimum2be - have you got some money of your own that you could salt away at all? you might need an emergency fund, sorry to be alarmist.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/02/2014 03:04

He's threatening you.
He's trying to stop you from being financially independent.
He's trying to restrict your relationship with friends/family.

I'm sorry but this is all very bad news indeed. It's awful timing for him to reveal this side of him, but abusive men often reveal this when their partner becomes vulnerable/tied to them, eg during pregnancy.
Do you have anyone IRL that you can confide in?

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/02/2014 03:17

Why shouldn't you tell everyone your news? OP you chose to do so because you know that your family will share your excitement and love your baby.

Why shouldn't you take a job? You chose to do so so you can maintain your friendships and skills. You see this as your future. One where you can provide for your impending family and maintain a degree of control over your finances and security for you and the new baby.

What you want is good for you and your baby. Brilliant.Grin

What's his problem with this?Confused

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 06:10

Controlling behaviour, aggression, verbal abuse and physical threats are not acceptable in the slightest. As said above, abuse can often coincide with the arrival of the first child because bullies like to pick on the vulnerable. Don't tolerate it, take the job, stand up for yourself every single time and, if things worsen, tell him to leave.

Cinnamon2013 · 21/02/2014 06:19

You say you have a big family - stay in close contact with them and your friends. Don't let anything - pregnancy, partner - stand in the way of maintaining those strong close links. They will keep you safe and help you make the best decisions. You need to think of your baby too, now. I know it's not what you want to hear, but someone saying this want to punch you in the face is already abuse. Something is already going on that is not quite right and you can't afford to ignore it. But you will need plenty of help and support. Don't let him cut you off from the people who love and care for you.

Lweji · 21/02/2014 07:00

Leave.

I had red flags when you mentioned he didn't want to share with family and wanted it to be only your business.
Then the threat of a punch to your face was a big wall of red.

Abusive men often reveal themselves when women are pregnant, i.e. when they become vulnerable and they perceive them as more dependent or attached to them.

You ignored the earlier signs, because no loving partner calls the other names, or even seeks to hurt the other in an argument, but you should not ignore this.
Make sure you and the baby are safe.

Lweji · 21/02/2014 07:03

Why did you have to leave your previous job?
Were you let go, or were there other reasons?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 21/02/2014 07:31

He doesn't want you to have financial independence.

He doesn't want to share baby news.

He threatened to punch you in the face.

This sounds bad OP, take great care.

Hissy · 21/02/2014 07:37

Sadly abuse often escalates during pregnancy.

This man is abusive. Take the job, and leave your P.

I know that's blunt and to the point, but I could fill your thread to the 1000 post mark with the reasons why he absolutely won't get any better, but will get worse, and most likely will punch you in your face.

When a man shows you who he is, believe him the first time.

You didn't cause this, and you genuinely can't fix him.

Abusers ALL do and say the same things. Without exception.

Please get away from him now.

Put your feelings aside and do what has to be done, you can deal with the feelings afterwards. We're here for as long as you need us, and you have RL friends and family.

Hissy · 21/02/2014 07:40

He doesn't want you to take the job, as he wants you dependant on him, more under his control.

He doesn't want you sharing anything with your family for the same reason.

He won't want you associating with your friends or outsiders for the same reasons. He will 'claim' you and isolate you until you're so worn down, there's very little left.

The damage this does to children (even in the womb) is significant and lasting. The sooner you go, the sooner you both heal.

Thattimeofyearagain · 21/02/2014 07:42

Red flags, wants you where he can control you, doesn't want to share you \ bump with your family & threatened to lunch you in the face ?
You know you cant stay with this twat ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2014 07:45

Can only advise you as the others have stated.

Threatening to punch you in the face is simply put, not him not just him having a horrible way with words. It is abusive behaviour; this is all about power and control. It would suit him to keep you barefoot (no job) and pregnant because that gives him even more power to use over you.

This situation is not going to get any better for you or your baby for that matter. There is NO future in this.

littlepurplealien · 21/02/2014 07:47

Take the job, I very much doubt you'll regret it in the long run.

I'm fairly certain however that your fiancé will try and make you regret it to punish you for trying to be remain independent.

You are seeing his true colours. No-one in a healthy relationship uses the phrase "I swear I want to punch you hard in your face". He has anger/control issues and until he recognises this and gets help for it (unlikely as I doubt he'll acknowledge that HE personally has any issues, everything will be your fault for provoking/causing the row)you and your baby will always be at risk.

I speak from experience, please heed my words.

MillyBlods · 21/02/2014 07:50

How is your behaviour usually with him? Do you shout and say things you wish you hadn't when argue or get angry?

Newyearchanger · 21/02/2014 07:52

He is saying he wants to punch you in the face?

What next?

WiseChildren · 21/02/2014 08:16

Can you stay with sister/ mum/cousin for a few days to get some distance under the guise of "shopping for baby" or "nesting"? If he really kicks off over this - which no loving partner would- i would just pack a pack while he's at work & go. Tell your family please don't lie for him. Take care Smile

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 08:26

"we both swear a lot in normal conversation."

Would you describe your relationship normally as 'fiery' or yourselves as 'feisty'?

kentishgirl · 21/02/2014 10:21

I had some sympathy for him until the punch in the face remark.

On working further away - this could actually be genuine concern. If it's his first baby he could be getting a big dose of daddy protectiveness towards both of you. And there's nothing wrong with that if you can talk about it normally.

On the sharing baby news - maybe he wants it to be a special time for you both. There's sharing news, and there's ordering a doppler machine to record and share baby's heartbeat (which I find extremely weird, personally.)

But the punch in face remark - completely unacceptable. It could be from a nasty, controlling man who is now just showing his true colours. Or it could have been frustration at your not feeling the same about this 'special time' as he does (and you don't have to feel the same, but you should listen to his point of view and not just dismiss it. It's his baby too.)

I'm not clear on whether you have said that now baby can 'hear' you, you won't argue any more, or won't swear any more. Arguing, yes, best to avoid it. Swearing? Your baby doesn't speak English yet, lol. I find the idea of not letting unborn child hear swear words (which are not necessarily angry) quite silly. Are you a bit too wrapped up in your pregnancy and self and forgetting that you are only one of its parents, and in a couple? Is he getting pushed out?

Just another point of view for you to think about.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2014 11:58

No, you cannot rationalise this behaviour. It is abusive.

Hissy · 21/02/2014 12:31

Babies pick up sounds in the womb. Fighting, shouting and roaring from a voice outside WILL be picked up.

The adrenaline that courses through his mother's body when that happens will also be transmitted to the baby.

The baby will be born with a fear of him on some level.

Get out, stay out and don't ever look back.

I know hundreds of women that have left partners like yours OP, I have yet to meet one that regrets leaving..

dawntigga · 21/02/2014 13:03

He just showed you who he really is, if you choose not to believe him no-one can make you.

It'sNotEasyButStayingIsHarderTuggaxx