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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think it may be over

35 replies

jesy · 20/02/2014 20:46

I've been seeing this bloke for nearly 2 months now n we get on we'll but there were a few issues his drinking ,kids and fact he slapped my bum not hard during being intimate that have played on my mind in last 2 weeks or so but yesterday I was majorly upset and its continued today and I said him it was coming up to the date I would have given birth if not mc his reaction it brings back bad dreams for him.
He sweet n I do t want to hurt him but that not normal is it?
I'll be honest I've been chatting to some one for a week or so off pof who yesterday's was brilliant at helping me, but part of me thinks maybe I shouldn't see the original bloke he seemed to Care but his reaction hurt .

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2014 21:05

You've only known the guy a few weeks but you say he drinks too much, has kids? (doesn't like kids?), is a bit rough during sex... and when you shared something with him as personal as a miscarriage (and I don't understand why you did that to be hones) his reaction was odd.

Maybe take a break from men, dating or chatting on POF for a while and allow yourself to heal properly. Your bar seems set rather low at the moment.

Original poster
jesy · 20/02/2014 21:25

I had a mc two years ago
We not had sex as in penatrive sex as he wants to wait , he loves his kids it's me who has the issue my ex had a child an it hurt when I couldn't see her any more.
I told him as I wanted him to understand why I'm so off at mo

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Cabrinha · 20/02/2014 21:58

POF is for dating yes, not friendly pen pals? So whether he is not meeting your emotional needs, or may be physically violent... you shouldn't be in a relationship with one man and chatting to others on a dating site.

He's not for you - move on.

Can you concentrate on friendships rather than relationships? Miscarriage is awful and my heart goes out to you - but I think you'd be better off looking for support from friends and family, not people you're chatting to on a dating site. The emotional effects of miscarriage last a long time - have you spoken to anyone about it? The Miscarriage Association are good.

You don't come across as being in a good place to date right now. Look after yourself.

Original poster
jesy · 20/02/2014 22:31

Don't have mate's as such , n never told any one about the baby I did break from men for a bit but just m lonly

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AmazingJumper · 20/02/2014 22:44

It seems like you like the one on POF because he was brilliant at helping you.

If you are really low then frankly that should put men who don't already know you off. If someone on a dating site is interested in you when you are feeling like that then I would wonder if there is something they like about a woman being vulnerable that would lead to an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

I agree with everybody else, make sure you feel happier in yourself before you start seeing someone else.

Cabrinha · 21/02/2014 00:38

Jesy, I hope you don't mind but I looked at your other posts about this guy, cos I recognised your name but couldn't place it. It's cos I posted on your Valentine thread!
Love, you really do not sound sure about this man at all, from the start. It shouldn't be like that. And it sounds like you get a bit too hung up about exes, not letting go.

The thing is, if you're making some bad choices about men, then having a break is good - but it's not the whole answer. It certainly stops you getting into bad relationships temporarily, but it doesn't address why you're choosing them... so when you do get lonely, you're straight back into putting up with less than you should.
It's OK to expect what you want. You don't have to stay with someone just because they show you some affection.

I'm so sad for you that you haven't had anyone to talk to about the miscarriage. Due date anniversaries are hard. There's a miscarriage board on here... I wasn't on MN when I had mine, but I was on another board - and people understand. It doesn't go away. And I spoke online to a number of people who posted years later. There's no time limit on the grief - if you need to talk about it, you should. But I think that women on a dedicated forum area are better support for you than a new boyfriend that you're not sure of, or some guy on POF you've never met. x

FolkGirl · 21/02/2014 07:02

I also looked at your other posts for the same reason.

This man doesn't hold your hand or show you any affection either. He just says he doesn't like doing it. Well, he kisses you when there's no one else around, but I would imagine that quite often leads to sex so it's more a means to an end rather than a genuine display of affection. So he's not even making you feel good about yourself on that level.

I agree wholeheartedly with Cabrinha

You are worth so much more than this.

Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 08:24

Think your all right. On our first date there wasn't that immediate attraction that don't sound good does it?
The guy I had a fling with last year It was different but to be honest I didn't expect to like him that way but that wasn't to be but I think I'm over him .
I think I'm ha v ing a rubbish week rejected for two jobs due on and doubts over this guy.
Wish I'd never started to date , tbh I've never 're felt so lonely.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 08:30

Lonely is rubbish. Anything looks better than lonely, even completely twattish men, but it's not a recipe for happiness. There are ways to stop being lonely and retain your self-esteem and boost your confidence at the same time. Play it right and independence is a fantastic thing. It's generally when you're happy in your own skin that you make better choices of potential partners. So get the job situation fixed up, widen your social circle, make new female friends, do interesting stuff, heal properly from your miscarriage. Once you feel more confident, then try dating again.

"Better to travel alone than be badly accompanied"

Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 09:09

Just how to end it without hurting him

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 09:10

Say you're very sorry but it's not working out, it's over and you wish him well for the future. No further explanations required. He's a grown-up, he'll get over it.

Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 09:17

It a shame as unroll last weekend we were having fun

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FolkGirl · 21/02/2014 09:20

I'm very sorry to hear about your MC. It sounds like you don't have any other children yourself?

I only ask because having children is pretty much the biggest obstacle to getting out there and doing stuff for yourself.

Prior to, and following, my husband and I seperating I did loads of things that have definitely helped to get me into a better place. The impact has only been of limited depth, because I have a lot of issues about my self worth that stem back to babyhood really, but taking up hobbies, reading more, educating yourself about... well, anything really, improving yourself socially, emotionally and personally - in short, being the best version of you that you can be, is the best way of attracting a really decent man.

Sorry to hear about the jobs too. It sounds like it has been a bit of a shitty week. Why don't you end it on a high by making a really positive decision about your own life for yourself? Flowers

FolkGirl · 21/02/2014 09:22

It a shame as unroll last weekend we were having fun

Were you though? Really? Or were there times when it was good fun but that just meant that, at those times, you were distracted from dwelling on the stuff that was less fun and were able to convince yourself that it was alright really and you were just being a bit daft... (been there and done that!)

Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 09:34

A friend texted me late last night and said we'll meet for coffee and shed treat me I felt like a charity case, it's like tonight it's takeaway night at mums but I feel bad as they pay for .
I have a dog and she. It been for a walk for a month so I'm neglecting ting her as well.
No I don't have any kids, I led a fairly sheltered life unroll 4 years ago , self imposed I guess . I live in a small town not much to-do either.
I went back on pof on advice of ex bf said just chat and see what happens I guess I picked the wrong one.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 09:47

A sheltered life in a small town is not a great way to broaden your horizons. You say it was self-imposed? Have you ever thought about taking a chance? Moving somewhere new? Starting fresh with people who don't know anything about you? Reinventing yourself?

FolkGirl · 21/02/2014 09:47

I felt like a charity case to begin with. When my marriage broke up, I lost count of how many coffees/lunches/dinners/drinks I went out for and it didn't cost me a penny once I let people know what had happened.

I felt dreadful to begin with and tried insisting on one occasion that I should pay and why and was told, "just let people be nice to you and show you that they care." People don't know what else to do, it's just a small gesture, let them do it Smile.

There might not be much to do, but is there nothing?

Join a choir, download the couch to 5k podcasts and start running, walking the dog is a great way to get some exercise, freshair, headspace and start talking to people, do some amdram, start a book club, volunteer somewhere... How close are you to a slightly bigger town where there might be things you can do?

I knew someone who moved to a small town where there wasn't a huge amount going on. So she started loads of things. I don't know what people did before her!

FolkGirl · 21/02/2014 09:49

Ooh yes to reinventing yourself.

What a fantastic opportunity you could have to completely start again and become the very person you've always wished you were...

Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 09:57

I can't move away I have family to look after here.I just wa t the life I had 3 years ago.
Self imposed meant I never went out not really I didn't have my first kiss till 30s as kept myself to myself at school and then was to shy.
I'm sorry I'm so negative

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 10:07

It's not negative. Circumstances can conspire to keep anyone trapped.

FolkGirl · 21/02/2014 10:07

What do you mean my having family to look after? What would happen if you were offered a job somewhere else? Do you really need to look after family, or is it just a convenient way of reassuring yourself that there's nothing you can do about your current situation anyway?

I find that life only really begins to change for the better when you start saying I can rather than I can't though... Wink

By that I mean recognising that one solution isn't going to work for you for some reason is fine, but you then need look for a solution that does. Be solution, not problem, focused.

Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 10:18

My dad is 75 rest of us kids moved away ,at the mom e t I can't afford to move I live on 240 a month my bills come to 200 a month.
I have a dog who I couldn't leave, when I was working I was semi happy

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Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 10:41

I tried to progress in life and I thought I wAs ,I'd got a gorgeous bf , we were happy together , changed job was heading to wArds a master's degree but it all went.
Bf and I split but remained friends but then lost job etc and it knocked me for six as I'd given up a secure job to train further.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 10:43

That's a lot of stressful events all strung together. Difficult to get your confidence back after that but look at it this way. You must be strong to have got this far already. Maybe it would be a good idea to let the ex go and find some new friends?

Original poster
jesy · 21/02/2014 10:48

To be honest I don't have friends,even tried contacting two friends a few weeks ago but never heard back .
I don't make friends easily

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