Fibbing or lying?

[Fireflier]

H has a habit of fibbing. When caught out he doesn't own up but tries to over explain or just deny. Even when I have 'evidence'of his fib, he just keeps stumm and I start doubting myself and my version of things. Not a good feeling, it messes with my head. The things I know he has fibbed about are quite minor but it happens frequently.

Anyhow, I've had a 'feeling' about one of his female colleagues for some time. I don't tend to take this kind of 'feeling' seriously normally as I used to have a tendency to be jealous early on in our relationship and don't want to go down that route. So it turns out he has been exchanging emails with this person from work at 23:00. The content is quite professional but they are planning to meet up the next day to discuss a work issue. 4 emails exchanged within a few minutes. H sleeps in spare room a few nights to get sleep as ds (10 months] still wakes up for feeds in the night. So this email conversation took place in the middle of the night whilst he is in the spare room.

I stumbled over it when I tried downloading a doc from his email account. I asked if he ever exchanged emails with colleges late in the evening. He said no. No later than 20:00. I asked if he by any chance would email with this particular person late at night and he said no he wouldn't.

Well he has.

Is this a big deal? Sorry I feel really rubbish an not sure what to think.

He said that he cant believe I posted this asking how I would feel if he posted about our relationship on the internet.

did he actually address how YOU are feeling that you got to this state that you posted here?

Did he see that you were upset and lost?

He has a point that it's hard when you realise your partner has posted details of your relationship. However - it sounds to me like he's concentrating on the side issue and not on the fact that actually, your relationship is very unhealthy.

And it's a good way of putting the blame back on your, isnt it?

So, are you both talking about the problem now? About his habitual lies and refusal to take responsibility that led you to seek answers from others?

Or his he trying to avoid 'that' talk?

'How you'd feel if he posted about your relationship on the internet'

• maybe you'd feel fucking great actually, because if he did post about your actual relationship he'd get a whole bunch of people validating your experience...which is that he is a duplicitous, manipulative, dodgy little shit.

Do you know, you don't need to have all these discussions with him and try and find a way to 'win' against his twisting. You won't win, because it's not that kind of thing - it's not that he is a decent man who genuinely believes he is not doing anything wrong and if you could only show him the error of his ways... No. It's really not like that. He's trying to freak you out, be unfair, move the goalposts. He will always do that no matter what you say.

So step away from that. Move above it. Decide - really decide- what you want. Do you want this life? With a loser like this? I wouldn't. And if you don't want that either, all you have to say to him is 'I'm done. I don't like what you are, you won't change, so goodbye.'

Aha, he says, but you're not being fair, I didn't actually lie to you all those times, you're walking out on me, ooooh this is YOUR fault not mine...' -and you hold your hand up and say, 'Fine. It's my fault. Say what you like - I don't care. Call it what you like - hell, coming out of your mouth it's not as if I can believe a word of it anyway. Bottom line, you are not a nice person, not an honest person, and I consider you to be a poor partner, and I'd rather not be with you.'