Fibbing or lying?

[Fireflier]

H has a habit of fibbing. When caught out he doesn't own up but tries to over explain or just deny. Even when I have 'evidence'of his fib, he just keeps stumm and I start doubting myself and my version of things. Not a good feeling, it messes with my head. The things I know he has fibbed about are quite minor but it happens frequently.


Anyhow, I've had a 'feeling' about one of his female colleagues for some time. I don't tend to take this kind of 'feeling' seriously normally as I used to have a tendency to be jealous early on in our relationship and don't want to go down that route. So it turns out he has been exchanging emails with this person from work at 23:00. The content is quite professional but they are planning to meet up the next day to discuss a work issue. 4 emails exchanged within a few minutes. H sleeps in spare room a few nights to get sleep as ds (10 months] still wakes up for feeds in the night. So this email conversation took place in the middle of the night whilst he is in the spare room.

I stumbled over it when I tried downloading a doc from his email account. I asked if he ever exchanged emails with colleges late in the evening. He said no. No later than 20:00. I asked if he by any chance would email with this particular person late at night and he said no he wouldn't.

Well he has.

Is this a big deal? Sorry I feel really rubbish an not sure what to think.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

'How you'd feel if he posted about your relationship on the internet'

• maybe you'd feel fucking great actually, because if he did post about your actual relationship he'd get a whole bunch of people validating your experience...which is that he is a duplicitous, manipulative, dodgy little shit.
  

Do you know, you don't need to have all these discussions with him and try and find a way to 'win' against his twisting. You won't win, because it's not that kind of thing - it's not that he is a decent man who genuinely believes he is not doing anything wrong and if you could only show him the error of his ways... No. It's really not like that. He's trying to freak you out, be unfair, move the goalposts. He will always do that no matter what you say.

So step away from that. Move above it. Decide - really decide- what you want. Do you want this life? With a loser like this? I wouldn't. And if you don't want that either, all you have to say to him is 'I'm done. I don't like what you are, you won't change, so goodbye.'

Aha, he says, but you're not being fair, I didn't actually lie to you all those times, you're walking out on me, ooooh this is YOUR fault not mine...' -and you hold your hand up and say, 'Fine. It's my fault. Say what you like - I don't care. Call it what you like - hell, coming out of your mouth it's not as if I can believe a word of it anyway. Bottom line, you are not a nice person, not an honest person, and I consider you to be a poor partner, and I'd rather not be with you.'

[Fairenuff]

So, are you both talking about the problem now? About his habitual lies and refusal to take responsibility that led you to seek answers from others?

Or his he trying to avoid 'that' talk?

[Meerka]

He said that he cant believe I posted this asking how I would feel if he posted about our relationship on the internet.

did he actually address how YOU are feeling that you got to this state that you posted here?

Did he see that you were upset and lost?

He has a point that it's hard when you realise your partner has posted details of your relationship. However - it sounds to me like he's concentrating on the side issue and not on the fact that actually, your relationship is very unhealthy.

And it's a good way of putting the blame back on your, isnt it?

[Greenrememberedhills]

Read this:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation

Especially the tactics section. He is good at blame shifting to get the heat off him. You in your turn are good at taking the blame. You need to change that.

[Fairenuff]

Yeah, because that's what he does isn't it. Instead of addressing the issue, he sidesteps it.

Tell him it's time to account for his behaviour. Stop letting him turn it all around on to you.

You have every right to post about your relationship. This is not about how he feels.

He needs to start listening and changing his ways.

But he won't do that.

[Fireflier]

I sent h a link to this thread . He said that he cant believe I posted this asking how I would feel if he posted about our relationship on the internet.

Feeling awful, not sure what to do now.

[Meerka]

lying then gaslighting like this is totally unacceptable. Im sorry you are stuck with him :s if he's not willing to change - and a lot of people who do this arent, it works too well for them - are you sure you can't leave?

It's going to be really bad for your children when they realise that Daddy can't be trusted, both for their faith in human nature and as an example :(

[Fireflier]

Yes

[Fairenuff]

Or a way of controlling you, getting you to stfu.

[Fireflier]

" If he stopped what he was doing he wouldn't need to lie"

You have hit the bloody nail on the head. This is it. He gets his own way without having engage in discussions, negotiations and having to compromise. Basically a way of being stubborn.

[Sortyourmakeupout]

I'm so sorry about the mistakes!

[Sortyourmakeupout]

Show him did all til you have evidence. If you being upset is not a good enough reason for him to buck up, then a bunch of strangers on the net won't.

He would probably turn it around on you and say something like, see, you women are all mad.

[Sortyourmakeupout]

You can ask me anything.

Yes we are still together but we had lived apart for a long time after.

We tried a couple of sessions with a counsellor but I just wanted her to tell him he was a bastard and of course they don't do that and also anytime he spoke about what he had done it was always followed with a but and then a shit reason for why.

As he wouldn't admit it and that it was his fault it was pointless.

It's not about your dh learning not to lie. He is lying about his behaviour. If he stopped what he was doing he wouldn't need to lie.

Unless you hit him with hard evidence such as printed emails you are never going to get off this merry go round. He will continue his behave, you will speak to him and he will give you a good enough reason. You will get more and more confused and over time you will just stop asking him and the not knowing will eat you alive.

I still have bad days where it all comes back.

Why some men have to treat their wives they way they do I will never know. We give them our all and they treat us with contempt when are the ones behaving like a shit.

[Fireflier]

I wonder if showing him this thread would be an eye opener.

[Fireflier]

*not to lie , not 'bit'

[Fireflier]

sort thank you for sharing your experience. Reading it, I feel validated iykwim. May I ask, are you still together with your dh?


Is there anyway he can learn bit to lie? Or isit hopeless? How about relate?

[Sortyourmakeupout]

Sorry for spelling mistakes, I'm doing a million things at once here.

[Sortyourmakeupout]

My dh is the best in the world at many things, but the thing that was the most important thing to me, honesty he was shit at.

You need to show him the evidence so he can't worm his way out of it and the only way is to dig.

I bet your questioning your sanity by now and when he gives his reasons (excuses) they sound valid and you find yourself wondering if you had a case to start with. At that point you have no argument cos his explanation could be possible.

I really feel for you op. I kept looking for my lucky break as I called and one day I got it, an email address and password. Just looking at the email address gave me sweats as I knew there and then there was another woman as I had asked if he had another email and he said he hadn't. I should have given him the email address and asked is this yours iyswim!

Needless to say I found out everything.

I'm sorry if my post comes across as me, me, me. That's not my intention. Just trying to give you some examples of my experiences so you know your not losing the plot.

You need to get his phone to check whatsapp, viber and the like.

[Fireflier]

"I had to be very specific when asking him questions. For example have you ever slept with Barbara, no then three months later I'd tell him the correct name and he'd say well you asked me had I slept with Barbara and I hadn't."

Yy this is exactly how it is. Right now I just feel paralysed by it all. I have two ds, am a sahm and have no idea how I would even begin to break our family up.

Other than the lying h is a good husband and a great dad, really helpful and supportive. I am shaking thinking about all his lying.

[Sortyourmakeupout]

If you were younger and had no children you still wouldn't leave. You use this as an excuse so that you feel better about staying.

If you let him get away with this now you will be back in a couple of years saying you should have left at the age you are now.

I say that in the nicest possible way as I've done it myself.

He is gas lighting you without a doubt.

My husband played mind games. I had to be very specific when asking him questions. For example have you ever slept with Barbara, no then three months later I'd tell him the correct name and he'd say well you asked me had I slept with Barbara and I hadn't. Drove me mad. I had to have the correct answer to ask the right question.

Like a pp said, print of the emails and show him the proof.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Fireflier]

darling do you realise that this is not aibu? Your post is quite patronising and unhelpful!

[DarlingGrace]

Is this a work email you are accessing or a personal one? If it is a corporate one you do realise you could get him sacked for that don't you? Company emails regardless of who sent them, belong to the company.

If he had anything to hide you wouldn't be allowed anywhere near his laptop or email account.

So really you are just snooping trying to make an issue where none exists. Tel me, as you don't think hes having an affair, if the email exchange was with a male colleague, would you still be snooping and trying to trip him up about the time the email was sent?

[Fireflier]

Why has it taken me ten years to see through his lying? he always explains and I end up distracted from the original question and feel sort of reassured. This happens even when I absolutely know he lied. There is always an explanation. Now I am beginning to understand that this is is way of getting me off his back and it works everytime.

I actually don't believe that there is anything going on with the colleague but that he didn't fancy a 'conversation' about whether it's ok or not to email /work late at night. Basically to stop me question what he is doing. He finds it extremely hard to draw boundaries and say 'no' or 'this is what I want/need to do'. Instead he fibs to get his own way without having to be explicit about it.

It drives me nuts.

If I didn't have dc and was much younger, I'd leave.

[Fireflier]

I confronted him telling him that I read the emails. When asked why he not told me that late emails do happen he says that he had misunderstood the question and what he meant was that he generally doesn't.

I really don't know what to think. I feel absolutely awful

[MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir]

hmmm sounds like he's up to no good. I had exactly this and he's now living with his ow.