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Original poster

I want to disown my Dad

27 replies

pompey27 · 17/02/2014 15:19

My Dad lives abroad and has married another woman and has a new baby of his own. Both of which he announced were happening at very short notice so we didn't really have time to digest it and get used to the idea. Ever since the baby arrived, my sister and I have felt completely rejected by him. He contacts us very rarely and when he does it always seems to have an ulterior motive i.e. needs an appointment making for him next time he's back or a parcel sending on for him. It was my Birthday last month and I didn't hear from him until over a week later. I haven't said anything as he did the same last year and when I confronted him then, he was quite hurtful and threw it all back in my face reminding me of the money I have borrowed off him in the past (I had nasty credit card debts when I was in my early 20s).
My DP and I live in my Dad's flat paying rent and keeping things in order while he is away but I really want to get out of there and find our own place so that I can cut him off and have nothing more to do with him. My Mum is worried that I am cutting off my nose to spite my face but I don't consider him my Dad any more. I would much rather go to my StepDad for advice than him.
What should I do?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 15:26

It's always disappointing when parents don't behave in a way you approve of. But did you really need a long period of time to adjust to the idea of his new wife and child? You're not a kid.

RandomMess · 17/02/2014 15:30

I would see renting is flat as purely financial decision, if you are getting cheaper rent in return for keeping things in order than neither of you are really doing a favour for the other IYSWIM. If you are paying market rent then moving out could be sensible.

Your dad is being very insensitive, sounds like he is completely wrapped up in his new life & family. You can focus on the rest of your family without cutting him out, sounds like things will naturally just drift apart if that is what you really want?

Onesleeptillwembley · 17/02/2014 15:30

You should grow up. Your world may revolve around you, everybody else's doesn't.

Original poster
pompey27 · 17/02/2014 15:30

No I'm not a kid but, as a parent, I would always include my children in decisions that affect their lives.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 15:43

How does his new wife and child affect your life? Are you worried about your inheritance?

Original poster
pompey27 · 17/02/2014 15:46

Cogito what a ridiculous question! If I was worried about my inheritance, I wouldn't really be considering cutting him off, would I?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 15:47

So how does it affect you?

Original poster
pompey27 · 17/02/2014 15:51

Isn't this supposed to be an advice forum? From what I've seen, you seem to be on most threads criticising people and offering nothing constructive. Maybe it doesn't affect me really, but I was asking for guidance not a judgement of my own opinions.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 17/02/2014 15:54

So do you mean he should have involved you in his decision to re-marry and have a second family?

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 17/02/2014 16:01

Horrible comment to CogitoErgoSometimes OP. You might not like the bluntness of her posts but she's been an amazing source of help to many in difficult situations.

learnasyougo · 17/02/2014 16:03

I sympathise. very similar to you (minus the baby) he lives abroad but rarely bothers to contact unless it's something he wants. Dp jokes he only congress to see is, his cistern, when he's low on cheddar cheese. When he does contact me it's with almost gushing affection, but it's false. If I don't respond to his out-of-the-blue contact, he throws a strop, but it's a double standard (no reply after four days from me leads to tantrums, yet he'll take months to respond to my emails).
I actually don't like the man. he wasn't much of a father during mtg childhood (permanent grump, made its feel guilty for existing, occasionally violent towards us and mum but generally just a deeply selfish person - still is.

when I sent him a handmade card announcing pregnancy off his first grandchild he ignored it for weeks. I rang him to find out whether he's got the card and he was nothing but negative about my good news.

so I've gone no contact with him now. after his last big strop I suggested we not contact each other. REALLY glad I did that. I feel miles better. he doesn't even know he's got another gc on the way in April.

I'd think it were me, but my sister's have issues with him, too.

move out, even if you don't go nc. you'll feel better.

learnasyougo · 17/02/2014 16:09

sometimes it can be difficult to put into words why you want to go no contact. I am (perhaps wrongly) reading between the lines that the OP feels this way because of a pattern of behavior, not just this one-off event. I don't think many people would want to cease contact because of a single perceived slight.

Is there more to this story, OP?

tribpot · 17/02/2014 16:14

It's not clear how close you were before this new wife and baby turned up, OP. I speak to my dad rarely (although weirdly he did call me this morning) but I just don't seek contact, rather than particularly want to cut him out.

I would suggest you definitely need to move out of his flat, so there are no financial ties between you. It's not healthy that you are beholden to him in that way when you feel as you do.

Uptheanty · 17/02/2014 16:15

I think you need to try & understand what you want to achieve.

Do you want to move out to make a grand gesture? It would be quite a normal reaction in your circumstances, but would you feel better?

The chances are that you won't get the reaction you want from your dad.

I really do understand how you feel, probably rejected and abandoned. Unfortunately it will be very difficult for you to work through these emotions with your father as he isn't around.

It really doesn't matter how old we are, we all need to feel valued by the people we love.

I would advise you to think carefully before you do anything you might regret.

jonsnow

Just because cognito gives support to others does not mean that she cannot be challenged by op on her own thread. If op didnt feel cognito was being helpful she is entitled to say so in anyway she pleases within talk guidelines.

I really do feel cognito is big enough to defend herself if needed and doesn't need your back up.

Original poster
pompey27 · 17/02/2014 16:17

learnasyougo ok, reading back maybe I do sound like a spoilt brat who is throwing her toys out of the pram because "Daddy didn't send me a birthday card." For that I apologise as that's not the way I wanted to come across. These feelings are not just a one off. It has been years of 'neglect' for want of a better word. I don't care that he has a new wife and child. In fact, he's the happiest he's ever been and I'm pleased for him. It just makes me sad that he couldn't have been the happiest he's ever been living in this country with me and my sister. I feel like I am an inconvenience to him and think it would be easier to cut off contact or at least back off so I am not living in his pocket.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 16:19

look at it another way = he has bailed you out in the past and now you are living (cheap?) in his flat. to be honest it sounds like you should grow up a bit unless there is more that you are not telling us.

Original poster
pompey27 · 17/02/2014 16:22

tribpot we weren't close but we had more of a relationship than we do now. I definitely need to remove myself from his flat. It does cause issues between myself and my DP as, although we have always been there together, it will always feel like it's my property and not his. Think this will be the first step.
Uptheanty I don't see it as a grand gesture more as proof that I don't need him. Maybe then we can start having a relationship that doesn't revolve around money and me owing him anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
pompey27 · 17/02/2014 16:24

NigellasDealer does that mean I need to be forever in his debt? I paid the money back a long time ago and I pay full rent on the flat as well as paying to redecorate recently as it had been damaged by mould.

OP posts:
Uptheanty · 17/02/2014 16:27

It's ok for your dad to do things for you, that is what we all do for our children-if we can.

Do you feel your dad does things for you to control you? Or does he use it as "evidence" that hes a good father but you'd rather have the emotional support?

chocoluvva · 17/02/2014 16:31

I have a cold, useless DF too OP, so I understand how you feel. Sad

I suspect your DF probably feels so guilty that he can't cope with having much contact with you.

My only advice would be to concentrate on the loving relationships you do have and try to accept that some people just aren't cut out to be parents.

NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 16:32

i do not see that him having a new baby and forgetting your birthday for a week is reason enough to disown him!

MaryWestmacott · 17/02/2014 16:33

OP - I think YABU to expect a parent to involve their adult DC in the decision as to if they should remarry and have more DCs, it did effect you, but it's not your business. Sorry, but it's not something you should have been contacted about. The jealousy feelings do seem petty in a grown woman, but are understanable, even if they aren't reasonable.

However, YANBU if you feel your dad no longer bothers to think about you and your Dsis since having a new DC, and if he only contacts you when he wants something, that will be hurtful and feel like you're unimportant to him.

I would suggest you move out of his flat and find something of your own, lower your expectations of him, you probably won't get Christmas and birthday gifts or even acknowledgement. Don't confront him about it, you know he'll just go on the defensive and hurt you.

I wouldn't cut him off completely, there's no need to do that, however, you could just make as much effort with him as he's making with you. It might be petty to do that, but I'm of the opinion the person who should make the most effort in a relationship between an parent and an adult child is the parent still.

Original poster
pompey27 · 17/02/2014 16:39

Uptheanty Yes, whenever we've had words, he's always reminded me of everything he's done for me and it's always financial rather than emotional.

MaryWestmacott I understand but I wasn't saying he should have asked for our approval but it would have been nice to have been invited to the wedding or to have been involved in the baby. I didn't even have time to send him back with presents for when she was born. I am going to find somewhere else to live and take it from there. Maybe it'll repair our relationship and maybe it won't be at least then I won't feel financially tied to him.

OP posts:
Uptheanty · 17/02/2014 16:51

You seem so despondant op.

It is probably better for you to move out, especially if it's putting a strain on your relationship with your dp.

Be warned though...you no longer needing your father won't stop him bringing up everytime in the past you have. It is also possible that your father is unable to connect with you in another way and you won't hear from him again. Sad

I'm nc and i dont regret it for a moment, my father was never a parent to me.

I hope you find peace Thanks

Meerka · 17/02/2014 16:51

I think that if your father remarried and had a new baby, its really easy to feel pushed out ... specially if he only contacts you with an ulterior motive, or if he throws things from long ago back at you if you try to talk to him in a reasonable manner about something that upsets you.

Given how you feel and that your DP doenst feel that comfy in the flat, and that you pay full market rent, it does sound like you would be better off in another place.

It doesn't matter how old you are, its hard when you realise that something that you assume has always been there - the love of a father, no matter how imperfect- is diminishing and you're very much down on the pecking order. Just because you're adult doesn't make it easy, to realise that.