My mum is refusing to come to my wedding

[newbie83]

Hi there

I am having a really rough time as my mother is saying she won't be coming to my wedding. As a person, she is pretty up and down and tends to throw tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. I have my suspicions that she may have a personality disorder as the mood swings are so strong (this is why we have generally not got on as I found her hard to deal with growing up). She has a tendency to fly off the handle and cut people out of her life (most of the family have been at the other end of this at some point or other). So this behaviour isnt new...

Background…
She gave us some money towards the wedding and I believe that she feels that this should give her free reign to basically say what we can and cannot have, what we should and should not do. I thought the money was a gift…and have tried to involve her in the decision making process so that she is part of our wedding. But In all honesty she has not really taken me up on anything I have asked her for input for (been asking a lot)…normally saying she is too busy.

She keeps pushing to bring her friend to the wedding – whilst I am happy for her to bring a friend (if she really has to) it feels rather unnecessary with all of her family, my stepfather's family and my father's family that are coming to our small wedding. She has also selected someone who hasnt been very friendly/kind to me – so I really wouldn’t feel that happy about this person in particular coming.

My partner and I are kicking ourselves that we accepted her gesture of a contribution towards our wedding (we are good, kind people - this was a moment of weakness).

I know that my mother has paid for half of our little wedding…but does this give her the right to have final say on things and invite her friends that make me feel uncomfortable? Should I give the money back? Anyone out there experienced their parents being a nightmare in the lead up to their wedding?

Feeling really down right now.. :-(

Wish me luvk...dreaded meeting today :-(

I wish you luck - but you don't have to do this.

And remember, if you start to feel uncomfortable or if she isn't prepared to listen, just get up and leave.

Good luck.

write everything down and keep the paper in your handbag. Go to the loo and re-read it if you have to.

And expect it to go pearshaped with your mother, but as you say this is more for your dad than for her.

Is your fiance able to go too?

De lurking to say, best of luck today. At least with your DF there you will have a witness to any unreasonable behaviour on her part.

Good Luck

As Who says, if she gets nasty just get up and go.

Good luck. Get this all dealt with now and then put it behind you in time for the wedding hopefully x

Oh newbie good luck and well done on taking some serious control of the situation. I hope today goes well!

My mother was not invited to my wedding, nor was she ever considered. I had people say they wouldn't go if she went and I also had the usual 'but she's your mother' spouted at me. In the end I had to assess the situation myself and weigh everything up and it was a no brainer. We had an amazing day and it was absolutely the right decision. Everyone there were people we loved and people who wished well upon us. There was nobody causing tension or there cos we had to invite them.

Whatever happens, have no regrets, elope if you have to

Hope your meeting went ok.

Hi everyone.

So we had the meeting. It was pretty grim and she is not going to ever see how bad her behaviour is. It put her back in her box, made her realise we are not backing down and has meant she is coming to the wedding.

Over the months since i spoke to you, there has been the occasional bitchy comment or attempt at chucking a grenade in the mix. It has not been easy and both parent remain pretty toxic.

The book really did help me to identify that the madness was all them...and really it was up to me how i reacted. I still feel a bit down about the all thing, and lost the glow and excitement in our wedding planning (which is in september) but i am hopeful that it will come back as the day approaches.

Yes, she is coming. No, she does not deserve it. However, it is better that she comes for my old gran etc...and i have already resolved myself to the fact that she has behaved so badly, that I wont be able to continue to have her in my life after the wedding. The wedding marks a new beginning for me...and that will be the moment where this saga has to end.

In the book Toxic Parents, she ends with the recommendation to write a letter. I may well do this or i may well just let her go. The meeting that we had was a confrontation of how she had behaved...and whilst it did not cover everything over the years...it was us standing up to her...telling her "no" and getting on with our lives. It felt good. xxx

The wedding marks a new beginning for me ...

Very wise I doubt this will be the last you'll hear of it, either before or after the wedding - after all you mentioned that "the friend" wasn't the only issue around her coming or not, but that "it is hanging on a number of other issues of her own"

Drama Llamas always find something else to use in their quest for attention, which is why this is such a good opportunity to move on with your life and leave her to deal with hers

Nod and smile, make it clear that the decision about attending is entirely hers ... and have a wonderful wedding day!!!

I'm glad you found some clarity of mind over it, newbie, and that you could hold fast to what you wanted.

and I hope the joy of the wedding comes back and it's a beautiful, unforgettable day :)

Hi all. She has announced she is not coming again!

Might now be time for plan b....

Has anything changed materially to make her change her mind?

How did you react to her newest bomb-shell?

Op she is batshit! You have my sympathy. Someone up thread suggested very bland and factual statements and no further interaction about further manipulation. It sounds wise to me "well mum that's your choice. You know you have been invited." Then nothing more. Poor you

Thank God. You know she'd have done something to ruin it for you, don't you?

Say to her.

'Ok, that is your choice, have a good day. Bye'

First of all--- best wishes for September and well done for maintaining such equanimity in the face of all this.

Apart from the other issues of toxicity going on with your DM, this might also have to do with a pathological need to be the center of attention. The advice to disengage might defuse; however, if she doesn't get the attention she craves, be prepared for another about-face and for her to announce she's coming after all. If you decide to allow her to attend, here's some practical advice friends of mine put in place for their nuptials.

They had a seriously problematic family member attending from overseas; they assigned someone trustworthy and willing to chaperone that guest: monitor alcohol content, steer away from contentious confrontations, mediate and defuse if they started to cause a scene. I was that chaperone. And no one else was any the wiser.

Hope all of this hasn't taken too much of the shine off.

If she isn't coming is your stepfather still coming? Is he a recent stepfather or someone you look on as a father figure with your real father?
It may be easier without her and I'd just send a "sorry to hear that, if you change your mind before x date you are welcome". Glad I had sensible parents.
Hope the wedding is soon. One advantage of setting a fairly soon wedding date is that people don't have months to play silly games in.

I haven't read all the messages but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I am getting married in November, my mother has given us a contribution to the wedding and now feels the same. She suggested inviting someone who I knew from my childhood (my uncles EX girlfriend who is now re-married to a woman.) who I haven't spoken to in over 5 years, because she has 'been' there whilst I was growing up. I said no mum, I don't want her there, I want people that I know and love and I'm close with. - To which she replied, well if I pay for her to come that will be fine. - ERM NO! I didn't mention anything about money, I'm saying I don't want her there, what's so hard to understand!!

Also H2B sister is all angry that she hasn't got a plus one - even though she is single and all her family will be there! - because she wants a friend to come... Erm no! Weddings are expensive enough without inviting your friend, who we don't know! She again had the cheek to say well my mum (my MIL2B) will pay for an extra head... NO!! NOT ABOUT MONEY! I don't want random people at my wedding!!

Anyway... I think you should just stick to your guns, it is your wedding you will have who you want to be there and who you feel comfortable with. (Sorry about MY massive rant just wanted to let you know, it happens regularly!)

I hope you have an amazing day, and don't worry if your mum does not come, hold your head high, she will regret it.

Wishing you all the best for the future!

To be honest, I think plan b should be to thank your lucky stars that she isn't coming.

If anyone asks why she isn't there , just tell them that she was invited but refused to come.

Hi all

has anything changed materially to make her change her mind?

It is megas petty but here goes.

What kicked her off was the fact that my uncle (her brother) is choosing not to come to the wedding over petty things. Some months ago (when my mother had involvement in the wedding back in Jan) she said that it might be an idea to not have kids (including my uncle's) due to really tight budget constraints. Also - i come from a really massive family (5 uncles and 2 aunts coming to the wedding with 2-3 kids).

The wedding at this point wasnt fully formed - we barely had a venue. I spoke to my uncle over the phone just to give him a date and the area we were aiming to marry in. He asked about his kids - and i said that i really didnt know what was going on yet and would get back to him.

The fact that i "didnt know yet" because i wanted to check with my mum set him off. Since then he has said he is not coming to the wedding. It has all been really petty but despite this, an invite was sent to him and my fiance and i both reached out by calling him and saying we wanted to offer olive branches.

Now we are in August. He sent me a text a few days ago saying he has his grievances still and doesnt want to come until we go through them with him. Realise this man is my mothers brother...they are damaged ppl from their upbringing...it is all a bit crazy and quite passive aggressive.

He wanted to liaise by email or phone going over how my fiance and I are selfish ppl - we felt it would be best if we met in person (although frankly - this petty shit just before the wedding is not what i want to be dealing with - i said i just wanted to make peace and not go over ground but this was ignored).

So a date was set to meet. He then decided he didnt want to meet us and cancelled saying have a happy wedding and he doesnt want to speak to us again! He then rang my mum (his sister) telling her he wasnt coming. I think he knew she would give me crazy shit...she is like a tinder box and he just struck the match.

So out of the blue yesterday morning i get a text from my uncle saying he no longer wants to meet us followed by a several texts of my mother's crazy stuff saying she doesnt want to come, she might come for some things and not others, she might not want to come at all and i should perhaps hire an actress in her place. She told my partner when he rang to calm her down that she might still come but for some of it (as she has already hired the car and bought her dress!!!) She was not interested at all in what he said to her which was that i was in tears at my desk and really miserable.

I thought about her texts - and decided to say something along the following (in summary)

You are clearly still angry. You have now said you dont want to come to the wedding at least three times in the past eight months- you are saying this now and whilst sad, i will accept that you are not coming to the wedding and make arrangements accordingly. There is no point in coming to the wedding if you are angry, cannot be kind in the lead up and happy for us.

Her response was that it was due to my giving back the money and not involving her (see earlier posts back in Feb/Mar). I said her behaviour has made it impossible to have her involved and pointed out that half the time she has not been coming to the wedding - how can she be given roles if she keeps pulling out!

How do i feel now? Drained, exhausted, bruised and quite irritated. The worst bit that my fiance and i feel is the guilt trip that we will be given for basically facing up to her and saying "dont want to go, then dont go".

The wedding is on 13 sept - no long now. I am so worried though that this is going to mar everything...as it is a saga that keeps rearing its ugly head. Any advice? Do you think the wedding day will take a hit from this as we are feeling a bit rotten from the toxic parent?

Acclimating this is really good advice if she indeed does come. Thank you.

2rebecca i adore my stepdad but he is a weak man so i dont know what this means for him attending. My step sis will still come.

Castlemilk - yes - i am feeling the relief but also nervous that it is going to come back and bit me...i dont want to keep dealing with this

MRSF2B2014 i feel for you. All i can say is stick to your guns. People act crazy at weddings...their personality are more extreme.

OP - urgh what a fucking nightmare!!!

Here's the thing - why the fuck haven't you told her where to go?

She's already been telling lies about you anyway, so people most likely already think that you're being totally horrible to her, so it's not like you have anything to lose.

I think to a certain extent, being patient and calm etc sometimes just encourages people's ridiculous behaviour, as there is no pushback.

I say call her and give her a piece of your mind:

• You say you don't want to come to the wedding of your own daughter - AGAIN - for some incredibly petty reason? You know what? FINE BY US. You have made our lives ridiculously difficult for the past six months. We've had enough. Don't come to the wedding - YOU are the one who made that decision. You made your bed, so now you can fucking well lie in it.

• We don't want to hear from you again unless you're calling with an apology for your behaviour. If you start flooding us with aggressive texts or messages then we will report you for harassment.

*Bye //hang up//

Don't pander to this behaviour. If people ask why she isn't at the wedding just be honest - "she decided that she didn't want to come as we refused to pander to her every whim" - then change the subject. You have nothing to be embarrassed by!!

I don't think anyone is surprised to learn about family issues at weddings - everyone recognises that there are lots of shitty relatives out there.

You deserve to be able to plan your wedding in peace. Cut her out. She made that decision - not you. But you can remove her freedom to keep chopping and changing her mind about it. If she starts harassing you, contact the police. Show her that you are serious.

I have read through your thread and I am sorry you are having such trouble. I mean this in the kindest, nicest way, but you need to stop running after these people now. Let them stay at home. And the next person who throws their toys out of the cot - say "Thats fine, sorry you can't be there" and forget about them. The more you bow and scrape to these people the more they will throw their hissyfit and dramatics.

If this is what it is like BEFORE your wedding - imagine what it will be like for the rest of your life. If your fiancee was on here telling us about his MIL from hell our advice would be along the line of "are you sure you want to marry into this"? If and when a child comes along your mother will make it all about her and ruin every happy moment you should have.

Forget about them. Concentrate on your fiancee and yourself. On your wedding day you should be surrounded by people who love you unconditionally, not people who want to control you. You make the next couple of weeks about YOU not THEM and enjoy it or you will have bitter memories for the rest of your days.

Just read this thread and I am just stunned.
You poor thing. They are simply awful.
I really hope that you can go on to enjoy the wedding now.