My mum is refusing to come to my wedding

[newbie83]

Hi there

I am having a really rough time as my mother is saying she won't be coming to my wedding. As a person, she is pretty up and down and tends to throw tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. I have my suspicions that she may have a personality disorder as the mood swings are so strong (this is why we have generally not got on as I found her hard to deal with growing up). She has a tendency to fly off the handle and cut people out of her life (most of the family have been at the other end of this at some point or other). So this behaviour isnt new...

Background…
She gave us some money towards the wedding and I believe that she feels that this should give her free reign to basically say what we can and cannot have, what we should and should not do. I thought the money was a gift…and have tried to involve her in the decision making process so that she is part of our wedding. But In all honesty she has not really taken me up on anything I have asked her for input for (been asking a lot)…normally saying she is too busy.

She keeps pushing to bring her friend to the wedding – whilst I am happy for her to bring a friend (if she really has to) it feels rather unnecessary with all of her family, my stepfather's family and my father's family that are coming to our small wedding. She has also selected someone who hasnt been very friendly/kind to me – so I really wouldn’t feel that happy about this person in particular coming.

My partner and I are kicking ourselves that we accepted her gesture of a contribution towards our wedding (we are good, kind people - this was a moment of weakness).

I know that my mother has paid for half of our little wedding…but does this give her the right to have final say on things and invite her friends that make me feel uncomfortable? Should I give the money back? Anyone out there experienced their parents being a nightmare in the lead up to their wedding?

Feeling really down right now.. :-(

I have plenty of experience of toxic family members, unfortunately. I just think that it is sometimes worth compromising so as not to make the situation even worse.
I wasn't able to attend my DSis's wedding, but apparently it involved some of her DP's friends and family members getting drunk and culminated in a punch up

My mother worked fairly hard to ruin my wedding. She demanded guests - which she got and then told me she hated. She got drunk and was obscene and rude, swearing at all sorts of people. She was too drunk to stand, flashing her knickers to everyone when we went to say goodbye. She was vile to my father. (Divorced many years)

She did the same to all 3 of my sisters, each time getting worse and worse. She demanded my youngest sister did not invite my father, she agreed and regrets that.

Let her make her own bed. Keep the money unspent so you can return it at any time. Make your plans. Ignore her. Only make her finally decide when you have to have numbers and then, at the first hint of bad behaviour, tell her she is still not welcome.

Treat her like a toddler. Ignore. Set rules. Then follow through.

If she is not there, agree with everyone that it is a shame she CHOSE not to come and have a fabulous day. Don't make the mistake I made.

My mum have us money. We put it aside and t

Sorry.

Told her it was going towards the honeymoon. That way she had no chance to say... I paid for that. I want it that way.

We also didn't spend it so the moment she tried to say ... I gave you money... We could give it straight back.

Say to her ... Sorry you feel that way, you will be missed. ....

Then shut down all conversations with her. I found after years of trying to hide how horrible she was that people already suspected. And everyone was surprisingly sympathetic and understanding. If anyone questions my relationship with her my husband turns around and says 'aussiebeans mum is a right b**ch'. People tend not to question other people saying it.

As I have gotten older I am no longer ashamed to admit my toxic mother. It is not my fault and I will not take that on anymore.

If she is refusing to go then it reflects badly on her, not on you. There is no need to feel embarrassed.

You are trying I think for your mother to be something she isn't by being part of the wedding and to behave normally in general. It won't happen. Accept you can't have a normal relationship with her and it will be miraculous in stopping her behaviour control your mood and thoughts.

You might also feel better to return the money if you can afford it.

Weddings bring out the worst in people. My first was a nightmare. My second and last was perfect. Just me and dh at the Town Hall. It's supposed to be about the two people getting married not anyone else.

Good luck.

Poor you OP...it could have been me writing this thread, I know exactly how you feel.

Whatever you do, it will be wrong. Keep the money and go ahead with the day and I would just turn a blind eye to her friend being there.

Does your DM have a problem with seeing your Dad there? I imagine she does and that is why your mum's friend said she would come and 'support' her, despite her new husband attending.

I'm sorry to say that in my experience your mother will always act like this. When we planned DS's christening, my mother sat in front of me, cried, and made me promise it would be the last time I 'made' her see my Dad.

Your mum will always make situations be about her; she's like a spoilt child. I put up with my mother out of a sense of duty, but it was when thinking back on my wedding that I mentally cut myself off from her emotionally...and realised how awful she is...I grieved then too. I'm mostly over it now, as she can do no more harm to me, she's done her worst.

I know that whatever you do, she has tainted the day...you are going to have to live with that, but try to mentally file it and enjoy planning your day.

Give the money back (if you can manage it) but make it clear that you still want her to be there. Remind her this is your wedding and that she cannot dictate the agenda. If her friend comes, you don't have to see or talk to her other than a brief greeting - or can the friend just be invited for the evening?

Hi All

Thank you all for your kind advice and support.

I wrote a letter yesterday thanking my mother for "all her support so far" (the irony!) and saying she would be more than welcome at our wedding. We even said we reserved a room for her at a B&B nearby and will do so until July (wedding in early Sept).

We also said we will be transferring her money back shortly and we hope that this will "draw a line under things and allow us to move on". It may well not do so...I heavily doubt that this would be the case...but she can at least see that we consider the matter finished with. I have unfortunately had to block her number on my phone as the torrent of messages were making me very stressed...so i am not sure i will even learn if she has settled down until she sends back an RSVP.

We feel relieved (even if it does mean we need to take out a loan) and I hope now i can heal and eventually move on. I guess having 6 months until the wedding will give me time to settle and mentally file it.

PS
I have checked out that thread you recommended and even ordered the book!

Brilliant newbie! The loan will never cause you as much grief as your mum's money, even if it is a PITA to have to repay it.

I hope your Mum sorts herself out, but it does seem a touch unlikely - she's never going to admit to being in the wrong, by the sound of it, so I would definitely brace yourself for her not showing up. Or even letting you know if she will or won't. Or in fact telling you she will and then not.

As another thought: many toxic parents like to play the health card at this point, since you are doing a good job of pulling away and out of her control, so watch out for sudden illnesses. Mostly these tend to be of the heart variety - so if your Mum suddenly has to go for tests for her heart, or have an emergency admission to hospital for her heart, then be wary. If she's really evil, she'll go for something worse, like cancer - but heart seems to be a favourite.

oh Im glad you feel relieved newbie. Great going :) I hope she settles down though as thumb says, it might not be the end of it. lets hope it is!

all the best for the big day :)

I couldnt really face keeping the money as to me, this allowed her to have a platform to continue to harass me! At least now that platform is gone...she has nothing left to throw at us really (except for her lack of involvement).

It is really strange behaviour though...she has been VILE in her messages to the point where i have blocked her on my phone. Meanwhile she is sitting with my 85 year old grandmother, having a cup of tea, and showing pictures to my nan (who loves clothes) of wedding dresses i tried on. If i was being vile to someone...i couldnt do that!

That's common. My mum used to critizes my decisions and choices but then I would over hear her telling people about the great choices i had made.

At the time I couldn't understand as I didn't realise how toxic she was. Now I realise it is because she has to save face. If we are horrible then it reflect badly on her. That didn't stop her saying really horrible things in private. Which is why I, in the very few times I ever see her, refuse to be along with her.

Not all toxic work this way. Others will bemoan how horrible their children are to get sympathy.

Either way. I think you are doing the right thing. Don't get drawn into any conversation. Keep any conversation about the weather and the price of petrol. Then hang up the moment she starts saying things.

And then put her out if your mind and enjoy planning your wedding with your lovely fella.

"It is really strange behaviour though...she has been VILE in her messages to the point where i have blocked her on my phone".

If your mother has been sending you abusive messages, she is breaking the law. And the police would be interested as well. Such harassment is unwarranted and uncalled for regardless of whom it is from.

Hi all...

Sorry i have been away for a while.

We sent our money back via card...saying we love her, there is a room for her reserved near the wedding, and we hope to see her there...and obviously have heard nothing (at least on my phone) since because she is blocked. She could have written back or called my partners phone...but i think she is still planning on not coming.

What i am finding hard now is that my father (they have been divorced for over 20 years) is now trying to get us to all meet her to "make peace". Whilst i felt closure from sending the card...this idea of all sitting down together knots me up inside. I doubt it will get us anywhere...and the thought of the confrontation ...well..it isnt good and has rather worried me. I dont like the pressure of having to fix it...given that I have been the bigger one throughout this process...not risen to any of the nastiness...and even continued to say she is invited despite it all.

Going to her and saying we need to sort things is surely giving her a platform or an upper hand in some way? Maybe it will be more damaging to see her being vile in person (rather than at a distance/via phone and email)

I feel somewhat sorry for my dad - he is a deeply shy and unconfrontational man - so for him to say we should go talk to her is really big for him...but it isnt making me feel too good and i have felt quite depressed these past few weeks.

I keep worrying that i am going to feel like i am in emotional turmoil for the lead up to our wedding in September...i want to feel the happiness and excitement that i once did! Will this ever stop or i feel any better about this damned situation!!! ARGHHHHHH

PS - I am reading the Toxic Parents book - I am now totally with you guys now.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. My mother is just like yours. My parents separated almost 40 years ago and my dad had to bring about a half-dozen friends as backup to my wedding to give him strength to be in the same room as her again. He would never have suggested meeting beforehand to make peace; I'm sorry you're under this extra pressure from yours. I don't have any wise words re. whether to meet or not (I'd be reluctant), but I just wanted to let you know I understand most of the situation you're in, and to echo what others have told you about not being embarrassed to have one of these personalities in your family.

I think returning the money with your concise note was just right.

(I took paper plates and canned whipped cream to my wedding: I decided that if either of my parents kicked off at each other, I'd custard-pie them in the face. Of course it didn't come to it. A small part of me was disappointed.)

Newbie, my parents are divorced and have been for 20 years. Still, all these years on, she falls into the enabling role with him if there's an issue. He'll ask her to pass messages on, and in one breath she'll say I don't have to see him, and then say she's made sure he's happy and doesn't think I'm upset with him. She protects his feelings. It's what she does.

To be honest, I don't know how to handle it, for me or for you. I would say don't go and see her if it's tying you in knots. If anything, if you could calmly explain that to your dad. Just say you appreciate him trying to help, but you need to make your own choices now, and he doesn't need to get involved.

I would say don't go and see her. She's using him to suck you back in - that's what she wants.

Don't go and see her. Tell your dad that you've made peace (by sending a lovely card and organising accommodation for her etc) and that he needn't worry another minute about it.

At first, I thought 'what the hell - let the mother bring her friend ...' but reading through the entire thread, I am now feeling so sorry for the OP. If she does cave in and say to her mother it's OK to bring the friend, I reckon it's the thin end of the wedge - real 'give an inch and she'll take a mile' stuff. OP's mother sounds the sort for whom NOTHING is ever right, and if the friend is allowed, then it'll be something else - OP can't win with people like that.

OP, if you can, without financial disaster, give back the money to your mother, I'd say do it. Your mother may or may not attend your wedding, but it's HER choice. Try not to worry about what people think - I bet your relatives and friends are more aware of what a difficult, manipulative and generally awkward person (I'm putting it kindly) she is.

At least if you've given her her cash back, she can't whine and whinge about 'how ungrateful' you are and if she chooses not to attend, then that's up to her.

It's a really awkward situation but really, I think you have to make a stand. Your mother obviously has 'issues' but there hers, not yours. Giving the money back will at least give you a clear conscience about deciding what you want YOUR wedding to be.

oldgrandma the OP has already returned the money.

Oops, X posted with newbie's latest post. The toxic parents book is great - will clarify a whole load of stuff.

Most parents and families can be a nightmare but if you pay yourself then you call the shots. You don't have to have all this family there either. It's your day.

My grandmother didn't come to my small wedding. We didn't invite any aunts or uncles (between us we have lots) and she threw a major strop saying if they weren't coming she wasn't and she ended up really alienating herself from me and the rest of the immediate family.

She's bipolar and schizophrenic and generally a hand full at the best of times. She was insisting that we back down and invite the members of her family that she wanted there and said if we didn't she would never speak to is again.

At the time it seemed like the most terrible thing that could happen and I was gutted she didn't come and made such a fuss BUT in the end I was actually glad that she stayed away and kept her drama to herself. I wish she hadn't caused the drama in the first place of course but I didn't need it at my wedding.

Turned out in the end that she was having a psychotic episode at this time and she ended up having a breakdown. We are all on speaking terms now and I still don't regret not backing down or that she wasn't there.

It's your wedding and you have every right to do what you want.

Logg1e is spot on with her advice.

I too have a toxic parent but I cut him out of my life a long time ago.

I agree with telling your dad to leave it. At the end of the day your relationship with his ex wife is not his business or problem.

I wonder if she has been ringing him and giving him an earful. Then if he is trying to make his life better by puting pressure on you.

Tell him to let it go and not bring it up with you again. Then set up your boundaries with him also of you need to.

Hi all

Having read the book Toxic Parents cover to cover - it seems to encourage you to assert your authority and tell your parent/s enough is enough...

I dont think that this wedding meeting is a platform to talk about how my mother has made me feel over the years...

However...I do think that this is a platform to assert our authority and explain ourselves in neutral territory. If anything..it will show to my dad that we have done everything we can to make her feel welcome - it is her choice and her insanity that will mean she is not attending - not our behaviour.

I shouldnt have to defend myself for all the madness and the things that she has made up.

Nor should i have to defend myself with her siblings (she told them a whole pack of lies so they are now not coming either!! Note this is bizarre in itself - her siblings often cant cope with her and choose to not deal with her (year long stretches of avoiding her)...yet they listen to her when she tells lies about me? How crazy is her family?)

I shouldnt have to defend myself at all...BUT I would like to absolve myself from the embarrassment and guilt that I feel. I think if i know i was the bigger person and tried everything (ie card, and our meeting) then i will be able to let it all go and so will my dad perhaps?