My mum is refusing to come to my wedding

[newbie83]

Hi there

I am having a really rough time as my mother is saying she won't be coming to my wedding. As a person, she is pretty up and down and tends to throw tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. I have my suspicions that she may have a personality disorder as the mood swings are so strong (this is why we have generally not got on as I found her hard to deal with growing up). She has a tendency to fly off the handle and cut people out of her life (most of the family have been at the other end of this at some point or other). So this behaviour isnt new...

Background…
She gave us some money towards the wedding and I believe that she feels that this should give her free reign to basically say what we can and cannot have, what we should and should not do. I thought the money was a gift…and have tried to involve her in the decision making process so that she is part of our wedding. But In all honesty she has not really taken me up on anything I have asked her for input for (been asking a lot)…normally saying she is too busy.

She keeps pushing to bring her friend to the wedding – whilst I am happy for her to bring a friend (if she really has to) it feels rather unnecessary with all of her family, my stepfather's family and my father's family that are coming to our small wedding. She has also selected someone who hasnt been very friendly/kind to me – so I really wouldn’t feel that happy about this person in particular coming.

My partner and I are kicking ourselves that we accepted her gesture of a contribution towards our wedding (we are good, kind people - this was a moment of weakness).

I know that my mother has paid for half of our little wedding…but does this give her the right to have final say on things and invite her friends that make me feel uncomfortable? Should I give the money back? Anyone out there experienced their parents being a nightmare in the lead up to their wedding?

Feeling really down right now.. :-(

If you want to have a relationship with your mother after your wedding, then I think you need to get this sorted.
In reality, you should never have accepted the money. It's clearly a significant amount if it is paying half (even on a very modest wedding)
I think you should give the money back and explain that you are not willing for additional people to be invited because this is YOUR wedding, not hers.
If you go ahead with the wedding, without her attending, but having her paid half the cost of it, it will cause permanent resentment. This may well be completely unfair, but that is what will happen.

She sounds unreasonable generally, but I don't think it's hugely unreasonable for someone who is paying for half a wedding to ask for one guest of their choosing to be invited.

@Dromedary - partner and partners children coming...

@Thumbwitch and @folkgirl - did you have good weddings despite?

She sounds unreasonable generally, but I don't think it's hugely unreasonable for someone who is paying for half a wedding to ask for one guest of their choosing to be invited

Op says: She has also selected someone who hasn't been very friendly/kind to me – so I really wouldn’t feel that happy about this person in particular coming.

So I think mother (who already has partner and stepdaughter coming) is being unreasonable.

Ok, then I would consider just how much difference it will make having one person you don't like very much at your wedding. If it will really affect your enjoyment of the occasion, then sit down with your mum over a cup of tea or whatever and talk it over calmly. It would be a great shame for such a happy occasion to cause a permanent estrangement or resentment with your closest relative.

I had a lovely wedding.

It was tiny though - only my (now ex) H and our children. Plus a couple of relatives as the witnesses. So that isn't really what you'd be going for. We made that decision purely on the fact we didn't want my mother there.

My mother refused to acknowledge my husband as her son in law "I don't have a son in law" and referred to my "so called wedding".

Best decision I ever made.

Dromedary but why should someone have anyone they don't like at their wedding

I certainly wouldn't.

I agree completely with MostWicked. You knew what she was like so should never have taken her money. So she wants her best friend there. Has it not occurred to you that she is a proud mum and wishes to share the day with her friend?
You both sound as stubborn as one another.

@flowery - have offered for ANY other friend to be invited (despite it being a small wedding) to appease her. This one has called me fat in the past (when i was a stick as a teenager) so will feel rather self concious in her coming.

I think the OP should compromise. Her mum should be important to her, whether or not she is paying for half the wedding, and it is to a degree her day too. Someone having told you you're fat many years ago is not such a big deal, if that really is the extent of what this woman has done. The "everything must be totally totally perfect for the bride's special day" thing is unreasonable and immature IMO. It's a party, you don't want your greatest enemy there, but a little compromise to make mum happy is ok. Her ending up not coming to the wedding would be horrible and she would never let the OP forget it.

Newbie - I had a lovely wedding, but my Mum wasn't there - not through choice (mine OR hers) but because she was in hospital at the time and couldn't come out. So we went to the hospital to see her and have photos taken with her; which I'm eternally glad that we did, because what we didn't know at the time was that she was terminally ill and she died 2 weeks later. But this, as I said, makes our actual wedding situation far different from yours and therefore not relevant to your situation (or at least I really hope not!)

OP's mother has certainly not ever compromised and will not do so. Such types purely want their own way without consideration to the other person and will throw hissy fits to get what they want.

Your mistake here OP was to take her money offered because that was never without condition or obligation attached. Doing that gave her the green light in her head to invite these people along to your wedding. Its your day, your guest list.

BTW if your mother is sending you abusive text messages she is breaking the law here. I would report such harassment to the police.

Your mother has likely always been disordered in her thinking and she probably does have a personality disorder as you seem to think. I would therefore consider whether you actually now need her in your life at all now given her behaviours towards you.

^ I have never been so down (my fiance and i were in tears last night as we are so frustrated and upset). Speaking to you all really helps...

In all honesty - with my mothers behaviour being what it is- i could cope probably not having her at the wedding. I would be sad, but i would also know that we invited her...she chose it to be this way.^

Question: If you do not give in to her, how do you think you and your other half will feel in 10 years' time? glad or sorry?

I thought very long and hard and asked myself that question when it came to inviting my parents to our wedding. The answer came back that I did not think I would regret it. Even so, it was an incredibly hard decision. The pressure you feel is huge.

For me it has been the right decision, even though several years on one parent has died. I still cannot bring myself to regret it.

You may come to a different decision. Either way, motomotomojo's advice seems spot on.

Just a note; if you give way to your mother now, she's likely to get worse not better. Giving in to emotional blackmail sets a pattern going.

I do think you have to give the money back though. If you do, it might be that you'll feel rather freed.

Blimey, Dromedary - have you actually read OP's description of her mother's behaviour?

I'm starting to wonder if you are, in fact, her mother

@SerenaBracken
@Dromedary

The person my mother wishes me to invite makes me uncomfortable (she really does). But this is not the only thing that she is kicking off about. She is just kicking off in general (tantrums like a child) and in all honesty this is because she is not quite right (as mentioned earlier in the thread). So my mother not coming is not hanging only on the friend...it is hanging on a number of other issues of her own.

Compromises have been made already with all my mother's immediate family being invited (ie her siblings and their +1s) and her new family (step). How far do I go? I do have two other families that are important here...my dads and the grooms parents...neither of which have had any expectations.

I agree with mostwicked that if we were silly/naive to take the money. It was in a moment of weakness, where we had just got engaged and we were excited and happy. My mother may behave badly but this does not make me want her to be a well rounded and loving individual. Our stupid optimism is basically what go us into this mess.

She says she is not coming. This may well be the case. But she could also be bluffing as someone else suggested in an earlier message, just to hurt me. Even if it is a bluff...do i give the money back?

thimbwitch glad you had a lovely wedding. xxx

I would still return the money - and consider too whether you actually want her in your lives at all from now on. That thorny question will have to be considered.

It is NOT your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her this way.

If You do the traditional thing of having the brides parent(s) pay for the wedding, Inthink you also to do the traditional thing of allowing them to invite friends. After all, the invitation is issued from her, no matter how horrible she is being.

I realise most families manage a compromise and discuss these details to suit everyone, but it does seem here that there is a mismatch in understanding of traditional etiquette.

I think you either allow her to invite the friend or give the money back and do your own thing. Accepting money and not allowing her to arrange matters is having your cake and eating it. Her awful behaviour is a side issue in my opinion.

Give the money back. She then loses her power over your wedding guest choices, and indeed your wedding full stop - and then it really is down to her whether or not she chooses to come (WITHOUT awful friend). She will still have her invitation (your mother, that is, not awful friend) so she will be the one who loses face over it, if that weighs with her.

But sorry, yes, give the money back whatever else.

Yes, give the money back.

Nothing, nothing in this world is worth that much manipulation and emotional blackmail. If you have to borrow, do.

You have my sympathies. I have asked my Mum not to text me anymore, ever, as her messages kept coming through as a stream of consciousness on all topics (our wedding, raising my children, my Father, anything really).
We now speak on the phone but if she texts I delete without reading, and sometimes it takes a day or two to call back. It's impossible to gauge tone in a text and some of them were horrible, even though logically there is no reason for her to be angry about anything. She's my Mum and I love her to bits but our relationship is much better since I stopped allowing her to push my buttons for a reaction like a child would. I suspect your Mum is the same: cetainly seems a similar pattern. Good luck!

Her mum should be important to her

Dromedary you should check out the Stately Homes thread and read about people's experiences of narcissistic, toxic parents. The problem those people have is made much worse by people blithely throwing out 'blood is thicker than water' type platitudes, when in reality, nobody would be encouraging them to keep relations up with a non-related toxic person in similar circumstances.

OP definitely NC or low contact in your case, and most definitely get that money back to her! The wedding will work out fine. When she sees you're going to stand up to her, she'll slink along to it in the end I'm sure but at least it'll be on your terms.

Slipshodsibyl I have given her a lot of opportunity for input but she has told me she is too busy. She has rejected times to meet up and even didnt come to my dress shopping (where i was to choose a dress) last week due to behaving strangely/aggressively...so it is kinda odd.

We have invited her input but she has not taken it up...and now is being horrid (note that we have only a vicar and a venue - wedding barely planned at the moment bar the date).

Having a mother is a privilege that I havent really ever had...she may be a mother by blood but not all women act like mothers...

helltotheno is right that blood doesnt actually always mean you have a good relationship...which is unfortunate in my case as I would love to have a loving mother to share things with, more than anything.

Newbie, I don't know exactly what the best idea to deal with all this is, but certainly after your wedding, you would be well advised to really think your relationship with your mother through. It seems pretty drastic to refuse to come to your daughter's wedding over something so small and refusing to discuss it honestly and fairly (red flag).

I think her non-compromising and insistence on having her own way, are not good omens for the future. I struggled a lot with this kind of thing with my mother (including my own small, cheap wedding, which she complained bitterly about contributing to a decade later £400!). She also got antsy over the wedding and the main issue for her was which of her friends she was going to invite, than anything else e.g. who I was marrying).

I think you may be right, she may have a personality disorder of some kind. How unlucky to have such parents . Reading up on Narcissism may help you. Think Boundaries and Distance and non-Engagement.

BTW, people and other members of the family can refuse to understand etc etc - But a few years down the line, or even decades, they may think back to this incident and be a lot clearer as to who was really to blame.

Regardless, I hope you have a lovely and beautiful wedding on the day, don't let anyone try and get in the way.

I'm sure she is very difficult and is ignoring all etiquette herself. My point I suppose is that if she is paying then by tradition, she is the host. If you do not want her guest in think you will have to return the money . If you think inviting the guest will mean she behaves, then maybe go along with that?

FFS Dromedary!! I do wish people who don't have experience of personality disordered parents would cut out the "but she is your mother" shit.

Just waiting for someone to chime in with "My Muuum is Deeeeaaaaaaad and I would love to have her at myyyyyyy wedddding so you are a biiiiitch"

Anyway, back in reality, I think you need to toughen up here OP. You have to understand that what you do is irrelevant here as she will just kick up some alternative drama. Personally I would keep her money and tell her to confirm my X date if she is coming or not as otherwise you will be re doing the table plans etc and giving her space/meal to guests who know how to behave like adults.

My DM threw similar wobblies about my wedding. Insisted on bringing a friend who was openly aggressive to my other guests. DM left really early throwing a huge tantrum because FIL danced with my dear favourite aunt rather than with DM. See, my point is, it could by anything. DM followed this up a couple of years later by refusing to attend my DD christening because an aunt she disliked was attending. I am now NC. best thing I ever did.

Have a lovely wedding day, and get thee to the Stately Homes Thread.