Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

20 and 40 year old women

74 replies

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 09:44

Huge age gap. Is it ok or not? And what would be considered grooming.   (Both women)  Situation - they had seen each other around (live near one another), clearly giving each other the eye over months, clear find one another attractive.   40 year old thought the 20 year old was older and slid into her DM's.  20 year old happy to chat back, they both fancy one another, 20 year old assumed 40 year old was younger.  After a week or two of talking, flirting and having a laugh via chat, both then find out each others ages.   20 year old entirely unbothered.  40 year old completely horrified and now wondered if the 20 year old had inadvertently been groomed by her.  40 year old now does not know wtf to do.

OP posts:

catsliketowearsocks · 09/09/2023 09:56

So you are the 40 year old woman?

I don't think it's grooming, a 20 year old is an adult so unless it's been happening for 3-4 years, or you are in a position of trust, I don't think it can be classed as such.

But I can't see an age gap like this working out well, I am in my early 30s and find 20 year olds very immature even just as friends. People at 20 are still young adults and in a very different place to someone in their 40s. I'm sure Someone will come along and say they met their DP at 20 and they were 40 and they've been together 20 years but that's just my opinion!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2023 09:57

How is this grooming? That's ridiculous.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/09/2023 10:09

It's not grooming unless the 20yo is vulnerable in some way, but it is a massive age gap. I had a fling with a 20 year old guy when I was in my 40's which was very much instigated by him. It was great fun but we both went in knowing it was a short term fwb thing. So from experience, I would say go for it with her but be clear to yourself and her that it will be a bit of fun and nothing more.

donkra · 09/09/2023 10:11

It's a big enough gap that I really can't see it being a long term thing. And there is probably a financial/power dynamic to some extent.

I'm 40 and in a very specific place in my life. I'm through all the angst and unsettlement of my 20s and even the hard graft of navigating relationships and building a stable life of the 30s. I really cannot imagine how I could possibly mesh in more than a very short-term way with someone who still had all that to come.

yellowsmileyface · 09/09/2023 10:16

There seems to be a misconception on MN that grooming is inevitable in large age gap relationships, or as though "grooming" and "age gap" are synonymous. It isn't. It's entirely possible to have a large age gap relationship where no one has been groomed.

Grooming is very purposeful. They target their victims. You can't accidentally or inadvertently groom someone, and the underlying intent is to control and abuse the victim.

It sounds like the age difference bothers the 40 year old though, which is understandable. It's unlikely, with 20 years difference, that they'll be in the same stages in life and want the same things from a relationship. There'll be little things they wouldn't be able to share, like nostalgia from their childhoods, little ways in which people relate to each other which is more difficult with a generational barrier, little things that don't matter early on but starts to become obvious over time. If both people are genuinely unbothered by the age gap and both consenting, then I think it's fine. But one person involved seems very bothered by it.

PaintedEgg · 09/09/2023 10:22

while its not grooming, you know its wrong. the difference in life stages and the imbalance of power in this relationship would be huge

if it was 25 and 45 or 30 and 50 - best of luck! but at 20 this person literally just started being an adult, let them grow up first

MattDamon · 09/09/2023 10:25

Not grooming but there will be an inevitable power imbalance. Also, consider how the next 5 - 10 years of your life plans look. Probably very different.

VanityFlares · 09/09/2023 10:31

It just feel inherently wrong to me, a gut feel. I look at my eldest who is around the younger womans age in your scenario and I know I’d be horrified at someone close to my own age getting involved with her.
Too much imbalance of power at this life stage…the older is old enough to be their parent.
maybe at 30/50 but to be honest anything too much younger than that would feel exploitative and make me feel uneasy.
There are mature 20 year old, but that maturity tends to be surface.

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 10:33

I had a fling a couple of years ago with a man 20 years my junior.

We knew it wouldn't last and it was supposed to just be a bit of summer fun but I went off it all really quickly. He was obviously so much more immature than me and the sex quickly repulsed me. Because of the age difference.

It just felt wrong to me.

VanityFlares · 09/09/2023 10:33

There was a similar relationship gap in a circle of friends I know. Not same sex as in this case, but although noone said anything the elder of the two was widely seen as a bit of a predatory perv. Just because you can doesnt mean you should. Like others have said, the younger needs some life experience.

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 10:36

There are mature 20 year old, but that maturity tends to be surface.

I completely agree with this.

There can be maturity in thinking, behaviour etc but there is a lack of depth to it. The younger person just doesn't have the life experience to draw on.

hattie43 · 09/09/2023 10:51

Nope not good . Different life stages . I'd be creeped out by any 40 yr old thinking a relationship with a 20 is a good idea

Dolores87 · 09/09/2023 11:30

This isn't grooming.

There will be a power dynamic in this relationship though and I can't see a relationship would work.

continentallentil · 09/09/2023 11:43

You are both adults, it’s fine.

Be aware of the power imbalance and that it won’t be a long term thing. Have a discussion about both those things before you kick off, keep it light and know when to call it.

Original poster

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 13:31

I can see this thread now! I have no idea what has been happening to MN this morning.

Thank you for the input. There is a power imbalance in terms of finances, housing etc

I don't think either of them see (or saw, now) it as anything of longevity but just a fun fling.

OP posts:

Millymoney · 09/09/2023 14:36

As long as the older woman does not take advantage of her power that comes from those extra years of experience then leave it to the younger lady to decide how it goes. In My Humble Opinion.
If older one (OP?) is kind and gentle they should have a nice happy safe time together. Long winter evenings, log fires, cozy rooms; Super
I wish I had met someone kind when I first dated a woman.

Original poster

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 15:43

Thank you @Millymoney

people keep saying taking advantage of the power, but can you give an example of what you mean?

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/09/2023 16:20

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 15:43

Thank you @Millymoney

people keep saying taking advantage of the power, but can you give an example of what you mean?

Pushing the young person's boundaries by saying "This is how relationships are"
Showering them with money to persuade them to take the relationship at a faster pace than they are comfortable with
Expressing disapproval of their friends, hobbies or job by saying those things are immature
Witholding approval or affection if the younger person "misbehaves" - for example if they don't agree to meet on a certain day because they have prior plans

Original poster

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 16:36

Oh Christ, why would someone do that just because they were older?

Surely if someone was that way inclined (aka an arsehole) they would do that regardless of the age of the person they were seeing?

OP posts:

donkra · 09/09/2023 17:08

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 16:36

Oh Christ, why would someone do that just because they were older?

Surely if someone was that way inclined (aka an arsehole) they would do that regardless of the age of the person they were seeing?

Because it wouldn't be possible with a more equal power dynamic. It tends to be more an older partner seeks out a younger partner deliberately in order to exploit the power dynamic. But you can fall into treating a person badly if it's convenient and they let you because you have the upper hand due to life experience/money.

Fantapops · 09/09/2023 17:11

Having been the 20 year old in this situation (as a lesbian) it's not grooming but it is an odd age gap and looking back I wish I didn't get involved with someone so much older than me.

ZekeZeke · 09/09/2023 17:20

Not grooming but ick.

Watchkeys · 09/09/2023 17:22

To those saying it's 'wrong': according to what? There are laws in place to tell us what is right and wrong. We can't deem what's right or wrong for others according to our own personal sliding scale of ok-ness

Original poster

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 17:48

@Watchkeys I hear what you're saying and I agree with you to a certain extent.

But lawfully there's nothing wrong.

However it's also lawful ok for 16 year olds to have a baby together but is it good for them?
Most likely not.

OP posts:

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 17:56

They didn’t realise the age gap, but now they do, the older woman should do the right thing and back off.

Flip

1 2 3