Page 2 | 20 and 40 year old women

OkNotOkInbetween · 2023-09-09T08:44:50+00:00

Huge age gap. Is it ok or not? And what would be considered grooming. (Both women) Situation - they had seen each other around (live near one another), clearly giving each other the eye over months, clear find one another attractive. 40 year old thought the 20 year old was older and slid into her DM's. 20 year old happy to chat back, they both fancy one another, 20 year old assumed 40 year old was younger. After a week or two of talking, flirting and having a laugh via chat, both then find out each others ages. 20 year old entirely unbothered. 40 year old completely horrified and now wondered if the 20 year old had inadvertently been groomed by her. 40 year old now does not know wtf to do.

Watchkeys · 09/09/2023 18:25

However it's also lawful ok for 16 year olds to have a baby together but is it good for them
Most likely not

It doesn't matter what your opinion is, though. Or mine. The law is the only guide we have. I'm sure there's many who would say 'It's not good for a person to be gay', or 'It's not good for a person not to believe in God', or 'It's not good for a person to play computer games'

There's no right or wrong. And however strong our opinion, we can't be sure we're right. The 16 year old with a baby might be happy. The person who plays computer games might be happy. The gay person might be happy. Our opinions don't matter.

Original poster

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 19:20

And however strong our opinion, we can't be sure we're right.

Its not opinion but absolute face that teen parents have a worse outcome in terms of mental health, education and so on.

I realise we aren't talking about parenting here but we are talking about the very big difference in law and reality.

Opinion means nothing when facts show that the law might not be ideal

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 09/09/2023 19:47

Its not opinion but absolute face that teen parents have a worse outcome in terms of mental health, education and so on

My point is that you can't say for certainty that any particular pair of 16 year olds will have a worse time than any particular pair of 30 year olds. I'm not arguing against statistics and likelihood, I'm saying that our opinions don't matter, because we apply likelihoods which may turn out to be wrong. There'll be many I'll advised things that you yourself will have done and enjoyed, which will have caused you no harm, so you are living proof of the point you're arguing against.

Grendell · 09/09/2023 19:53

If I was the 40-year-old, I would back off on anything romantic and just be friends, if possible.

harerunner · 09/09/2023 23:27

Watchkeys · 09/09/2023 17:22

To those saying it's 'wrong': according to what? There are laws in place to tell us what is right and wrong. We can't deem what's right or wrong for others according to our own personal sliding scale of ok-ness

Laws tell us what is lawful, not what is morally right and wrong

I wouldn't be breaking any laws if I cheated on my partner. It doesn't mean it's right to do so!

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 08:20

@harerunner

Laws tell us what is lawful, not what is morally right and wrong

Yes, and who decides what is morally right or wrong, ultimately? We all do, for ourselves, and we don't all decide the same things all the time. You are responsible for your morals, I am responsible for mine, and unless you think that there is an authority that can tell us whose morals are 'right', you don't have a point.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2023 08:36

Flirting with an adult younger than you isn't grooming. Grooming is about intentionally training them to tolerate unhealthy behaviours, not just having more life experience.

Some 20 yos are going for their age, some less so. Do they live at home? Do they work? Also how old are their parents? They could easily be 38-42 which I think would make it a bit weirder. But they could be 55-60 which wouldn't put the older "partner" in their generation.

Similarly the 40 yo could have kids older than the younger "partner".

I think then there's a risk of the older one making all the decisions, paying for all the dates, taking on responsibility for the younger partners feelings etc.

Sayitaintso33 · 10/09/2023 08:42

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 13:31

I can see this thread now! I have no idea what has been happening to MN this morning.

Thank you for the input. There is a power imbalance in terms of finances, housing etc

I don't think either of them see (or saw, now) it as anything of longevity but just a fun fling.

Is there also a power imbalance in terms of beauty, youth, energy ?

Beautiful people have enormous power in the dating game. Perhaps they should be banned from having relationships with anyone less than beautiful.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 13:49

There are always power imbalances in relationships. No relationship is equal. No 2 people are the same.

It's not about power, it's to do with abuse of power. Anybody can decide to wield something over somebody else, if it takes their fancy.

Pleasenowthatsenough · 10/09/2023 13:52

Just no! Seriously, she’s 20, have some of you forgotten how young 20 is? and I would say pretty vulnerable if she’s looking to have a relationship with a 40 year old woman - this all sounds very familiar to another thread?

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 14:00

Seriously, she’s 20, have some of you forgotten how young 20 is

It might not be that, but that they disagree with you, @Pleasenowthatsenough

Wakintoblueskies · 10/09/2023 14:07

It isn't grooming but its time to stop whatever it was/is now you know how young she is.

In my 30s, I dated a man 20 years old than me. There was an imbalance of power and we were in very different life stages. I ended up being quite hurt as I read more into it than he did. He showed me off in front of his friends and looking back I feel embarrassed about it. When we started dating, I did not realise his age and by the time I found out, we were already sleeping together and I was already quite 'involved'.

msmonstera · 10/09/2023 14:31

This happened to me recently. I (40) went on a surprise date with a 21 year old. She thought when she asked that I was about 30 and I thought she was about 30. She apparently wasn't bothered when the real ages were put on the table on the date but I was horrified. She's younger than my best friend's child who I still think of as an infant. She wasn't born when I was in university. In nappies when I was in my first real job... The gap in life experience is insurmountable.
At her age I dated someone ten years older and looking back I think the woman was quite predatory. You can be mature for 20 but it's still only 20. And I agree with a pp that there might be something off or very vulnerable with someone who wants to date people closer to their parents' generation than their own.

PaintedEgg · 10/09/2023 18:07

I think the age gap itself is not a problem. My husband was at uni while I was still playing with barbie dolls - this didn't matter when we met as actual adults with similar experiences / at similar stage in life

if we met when I was 20 this would have never worked because there is little an average 20yo has in common with anyone above the age of 30. at that stage even 5 years difference can mean huge discrepancy in terms of experiences and priorities

MattDamon · 10/09/2023 19:53

msmonstera · 10/09/2023 14:31

This happened to me recently. I (40) went on a surprise date with a 21 year old. She thought when she asked that I was about 30 and I thought she was about 30. She apparently wasn't bothered when the real ages were put on the table on the date but I was horrified. She's younger than my best friend's child who I still think of as an infant. She wasn't born when I was in university. In nappies when I was in my first real job... The gap in life experience is insurmountable.
At her age I dated someone ten years older and looking back I think the woman was quite predatory. You can be mature for 20 but it's still only 20. And I agree with a pp that there might be something off or very vulnerable with someone who wants to date people closer to their parents' generation than their own.

As someone who has been on both sides of it, what age do you think would be mature enough for an age gap? In my head it's late 20s.

msmonstera · 10/09/2023 22:06

I can't make this quote properly. It depends on the people and what they want. To me, the gap between leaving school, moving out and becoming practically and financially independent is a massive gap even though (for me) it happened in only three or four years. That said, whilst I was pretty independent at 22 on a practical level, I was still emotionally immature. What someone thinks they want at 20 with precious little life behind them in comparison to a 40 year old who has experienced big break ups and probably bereavements and a few cold doses of reality is insurmountable really except for a short, fun, fling. I would say around 30 before someone is cooked enough to be ready to know themselves, but it really is subjective. A few years out of school is a hard no though.

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 22:18

Its not grooming OP...like someone said, unless parties are vulnerable etc.
Im bisexual. However was with an ex OS partner for 25 years.
If i were to find a SS woman i was interested in, i couldn't do the 20 year she gap..its just too much for me, no matter the attraction. Im 50, that would mean a 30 year old love interest, my daughter is 33...so no i couldnt be with anyone younger than my daughter. Everyone is different byt id also think she would leave when u get old old.

Janinejones · 11/09/2023 08:27

Have they met many times since they discovered actual ages?
Like @Loubelle70 I am 50 and would keep clear of the 20yo but at 40 I think it could be fine. The 40yo sounds lively and attractive. They were both attracted from the beginning. Therefore better IMO to try things even if you have not worked out the final outcome. Much better than those "I wonder how it would have been if....." thoughts. I would say to both "Give it a try".

Original poster

OkNotOkInbetween · 11/09/2023 09:32

No they haven't met since the age discovery.

Unsure whether they will now to be honest.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/09/2023 09:37

OkNotOkInbetween · 09/09/2023 16:36

Oh Christ, why would someone do that just because they were older?

Surely if someone was that way inclined (aka an arsehole) they would do that regardless of the age of the person they were seeing?

The vast majority of age gap relationships aren't abusive, but the age gap makes it easier for it to happen this way IF the older person is abusive.

With the benefit of 20 years hindsight, there were 15 years between me and my late husband and there was a subtle power imbalance in that I thought a lot of what he said "must" be right because he was far more experienced, particularly when it came to parenting. He wasn't abusive but there were definitely times when I just followed his lead instead of standing up and stating my opinion.

emotionalpuddle · 11/09/2023 10:09

I'm dating someone 20 years older, same situation I assumed they were maybe 10 years older (he looks damn good for his age). I don't feel like there's a power imbalance and it may not last long term as people have said but I'm enjoying the time as life's very much too short to waste on people my own age who I share zero interests with..

MattDamon · 11/09/2023 10:13

With the benefit of 20 years hindsight, there were 15 years between me and my late husband and there was a subtle power imbalance in that I thought a lot of what he said "must" be right because he was far more experienced, particularly when it came to parenting. He wasn't abusive but there were definitely times when I just followed his lead instead of standing up and stating my opinion.

This is a good example of what can be included in power imbalance. It isn't abusive but it stops the younger person from normal development.

DowntonCrabby · 11/09/2023 10:16

It’s not grooming in any way but I wouldn’t pursue things with that age gap with someone only just out of their teens.

Janinejones · 11/09/2023 10:20

Two of my friends had brief relationships with men considerably older which they enjoyed. One had deliberately 'saved her virginity' till she met someone experienced. Those two then later married similar aged men, both now divorced.

QueenHippolyta · 11/09/2023 11:10

This is an enjoyable Lesbian trope; sophisticated older woman and younger naive woman. There is a ton of Miranda/Andy "Devil Wears Prada" fanfiction. Before that it was 7 of 9/Janeway.
There is nothing wrong with it. Usually the older woman is nurturing in some way...
Lesbians don't make a fetish of youth like men do. Most of us want partners the same age.