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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a bad person?

29 replies

Rocklover · 07/08/2006 09:00

I am having a really bad time at the moment, just separated, waiting for DH to move into the flat he has just bought, we are both at my parents at the moment.

Thing is DH is constantly making me feel guilty about the fact that I will have our DD full time, says I can never understand what this is doing to him, that he won't be able to put her to bed every night etc etc. I understand this and know it is really hard, I have offered for him to visit any time, he can take her on holidya in the half term coming up, that I will take her to his for dinner etc, but he still insists that whatever I do won't help.

However, whilst I can empathise to a certain extent, he also makes me angry. He is going to stay in London at his parents house all week despite moaning how little time he will get to spend with DD, he is doing this because he "doesn't feel comfortable" at my parents, which is understandable, but they are at work until at least 6 every day and he is on the school holidays....he has all day PIL free! Also when we were living apart temporarily before (whilst he sold the house), I offered to bring her over to see him (we were in 2 different towns and neither drives), I asked him to come over to see us and he refused, he didn't see her for about 3 weeks! When asked about this he said "it was too painful to visit".

Whilst I have some sympathy I am sick of him putting himself first, he is now talking about not coming here to visit as he doesn't feel comfortable, despite the fact that my parents have bent over backwards to be nice and help him all they can. To me it looks as though he wants to be hard done by, am I being evil just wanting him to put DD first and get on with things?

OP posts:

Fluffybubble · 07/08/2006 09:22

You are not a bad person!!

It sounds as if it is convenient to heap the blame on you, rather than accepting responsibility for his own actions. You sound as if you have been more than reasonable regarding visits, and he has not taken you up on it . To shift the blame on to you (guilt, guilt, guilt!) is a handy way of absolving himself of any sense of wrong-doing.

It is easier said than done to recoognise this type of behaviour for what it is (sounds v similiar to my ex's outlook on life!) but if you accept that it is all down to you, then you will be letting him off the hook. He is a parent and needs to start acting like one! By retreating to his parents and feeling sorry for himself, he has left you being the grown-up...please don't feel bad!! (Sorry for rant, feel quite strongly about this!!).

edam · 07/08/2006 09:26

Agree with every word Fluffy said. He is behaving like a stroppy toddler. Don't let him make you feel guilty - you are bending over backwards to help him stay involved. He is deeply selfish if he scorns these offers to see his own daughters just to score points. Pathetic.

edam · 07/08/2006 09:27

What's more, keep a note of this, in case he ever tries it on re access so you can show how he's refused your very reasonable offers. Any way of filling his parents in?

Pages · 07/08/2006 09:45

Sounds like you are being more than reasonable. Am I right in thinking that it is you who wanted to separate and he still wants to be with you? Or is he saying he should have DD full time not you? I suspect it is the former. If that is the case, my guess is he is being very manipulative and it is not so much about DD but him trying to get you back. Sounds to me like he knows only too well what a good person you are and how to make you feel bad and he is playing on that.

I do feel sorry for part time dads but if the relationship is not a good one I still feel you have a right to a happy life and if it is not happy with him it just can't be helped.

I come from a "broken home" myself and understand why my mum left my dad. I do feel hurt that I never knew him because we weren't allowed contact but this is not the case with you. (I also have a lot of other issues with my mum but they are nothing to do with her leaving my dad incase you read my post and it alarms you!)

Tortington · 07/08/2006 09:47

no wonder your divorcing him hes a proper twunt

Original poster

Rocklover · 07/08/2006 10:11

Firstly Edam, I could not fill his parents in as we never got on well, but his Mum would side with DH and also his Dad is an alcoholic who beats his Mum. (Another issue that I have to deal with as my solicitor has recommeneded should deny access to him, cannot rely on DH not to leave DD with his Mum and Dad alone).

secondly pages, yes I want the separation, although he instigated it, but expected to call my bluff and me come running back (which has happened in the past), he is slightly non plussed at why I am sticking to my guns this time! At the moment he is being very nice 1 minute (has given me £2000), then the next minute saying things like "your problems are only financial". As if! I am 32 living with parents, don't drive, no career and the prospect of never having the family I so longed for.

He is always the one who is more affected by everything, he's more, tire, more ill, more emotional etc. For example, we were all sweating buckets yesterday as it was hot and he went to bed saying that he was so hot he must have a temperature, although was right as rain this morning. Grrrr!

I feel so relieved that it is over and this makes me feel guilty in a way, I look at him and it just confirms how much I really don't love him. His personal hygiene has not improved either...now I am being a cow

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 07/08/2006 10:20

good for you for getting rid of this twit. i'd keep a log of all the access you're offering and his excuses for refusing, dates, times etc. so you've got proof if he decides to play the victim. he needs to grow up, but thtat's not your responsibility anymore! well done for getting out.

Pages · 07/08/2006 10:36

Rocklover, your last post explains everything. He is a real game player, and it probably has a lot to do with the environment he grew up in but that is not your problem anymore. You said it yourself, he wasn't expecting this. So now he is trying every trick in the book to hook you back. Well done for standing your ground.

Original poster

Rocklover · 07/08/2006 10:48

Thanks girls. Funny thing is he knows how to press my buttons, I have a very guilty conscience and he says stuff to play on that and then says he is sick of me being guilty. I didn't go back to work after DD was born (both agreed) then he spent the whole year crucifying me as we couldn't afford the house because I wasn't working.

So we sold up, moved to my parents to lodge for a while, now we have split he has bought a 2 bed flat on an interest only mortgage for practically same price as our old 3 bed detached house....on his own with no help from me. Just says..."oh didn't realise I could afford this on my own". So I had an entire year of hell and misery for something that..actually..he could have dealt with without any salary from me! I am fed with being blamed and then DH saying "you misunderstood/paranoid/too guilty/oh for Gods sake can't I say anything?" (pick any phrase you like!). I need to stop feeling responsible for all this but how?

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 07/08/2006 14:12

he's a passive aggressive and you've been abused! you need to get your self-esteem back up. have you got good friends / family who can help you? start doing things for yourself? and definitely stop listening to his horrible mind games.

Original poster

Rocklover · 07/08/2006 18:47

Thanks warty. I am staying with my parents for the forseeable future until I am stable again and they are being fantastic. I don't have friends at the moment as I have moved so many times in the last 5 years, so that is something i am hoping a part time job will help with.

I am trying to get into uni to do teaching next year so that I can make a life for DD and myself without relying on people. Also starting driving lessons again at the end of the month as my goal is to transform myself into an independent, confident and attractive woman.

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 07/08/2006 18:48

you're going about it the right way

Pages · 07/08/2006 21:18

Grrrr people like this make me so angry. He gives you hell and then blames you when you respond by feeling bad. So you get a double whammy helping of guilt and bad feeling. Not to mention the fact that he has come off so well out of it financially.

Just stay aware of what he is doing and try not to react (easy to say i know but I am going through something similar at the moment and having to try very hard not to let my buttons get pushed by family members who know only too well how to push them).

You are a far nicer person and you will get a job and get into uni and make lots of lovely friends because you are a NICE person and he will be a sad lonely old loser. In the meantime you have your lovely parents.

Pages · 07/08/2006 21:18

Original poster

Rocklover · 08/08/2006 10:24

Thanks for all your replies, my eyes have finally been opened, all these years I have blamed myself for causing arguments or being overly dramatic when I felt upset. My parents and sister have been telling me for ages he is treating me badly and I could not see it (until now), always defended him after I'd moaned about him lol! I know that I have not been the perfect partner either, but at least I have tried my best to be nice and give him respect, when I got nothing in return.

Thanks everyone I am beginning to feel so much better about myself, I only hope that I can do all the things I want to do.

OP posts:

fairyjay · 08/08/2006 10:33

Rocklover
My sil was in your position a number of years ago. She went back to college, got her degree, teaches, has two good kids now in their 20's.
It's been hard at times for her, but she's become a great independent woman - nothing like the timid, put upon girl I first knew!
Good luck.

Original poster

Rocklover · 08/08/2006 18:51

Had a problem with my new bank account today and was worried that I wouldn't be able to withdraw the money I needed for the holiday (he has decided not to come). Phoned DH as thought he might offer some help, or at least some support, but he was a total to**er and basically told me that I was stupid.

I'm so doing the right thing, he is a pig!

OP posts:

Pages · 08/08/2006 21:46

Hi Rocklover

Have you seen the movie "Thelma and Louise"? It's one of my all time favourites and if you haven't seen it you might enjoy it right now. (Feel good stuff for downtrodden women but intelligent and funny too!!)

Pages · 08/08/2006 21:47

Mind you - hope your ending is a much better one!

Original poster

Rocklover · 10/08/2006 09:34

Another upset! I am going on holiday to Devon on Sun with parents and DD, DH was coming too (he paid half - £800). He has decided not to come as he has to be around to sign documents for his property (so he says).

However, he has been in London since Mon, came back yesterday to babysit whilst I went to a concert (he also had a solicitor appt about the flat so he had to come back anyway). This morning he has told me he is going straight back to London to stay at his parents place while they are in Spain. So he will not see DD before we go away and then for 2 weeks, I asked "what about DD? You won't see her before we go away", he just said "oh I've seen her today."

For someone who was angry and crying that he would not get to see her very often this just seems bizarre. I asked why he had to go today and he said that he needed to "feel comfortable", what about our DD? I am pretty annoyed about it, but also feel bad going on a holiday that he paid for, although we are happy for him to come with us. His whole attitude is making me mad...or am I being a bit harsh?

OP posts:

kimi · 10/08/2006 10:36

Rocklover, it seems YOU have done just about everything right while HE is behaving like a prat!
Please dont feel guilty about the holiday, go and have fun with your lovely DD.

Tell him to get off the bloody cross someone needs the wood!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/08/2006 10:46

haven't read all the replies but one bit of your post really shouted at me: "too painful to visit". I know it's early days but he has to get out of thinking like this. too painful for who? my dad was pretty crap at staying in touch with me when my parents divorced and in a charitable mood (now, as an adult, I mean) I wonder if this was why. but, to small children, motives don;t count that much and by the time they're old enough to understand that maybe it was a nbt more complex than he just couldn;t be bothered, or didn;t love me enough, the damage to the relationship has already been done and cannot be repaired. He has the opportunity to have fantastic relationship with your dd - it can be done even if you are apart, but if he carries on thinking like this he'll throw that chance away.

Funnyyummymummy · 10/08/2006 10:52

Hello sorry to butt in but I have gone through something vaguely similar, briefly ex dh is a knob, we have 2 babies dd 20 mnths and ds 6 months he dropped me and ds off at my grandmothers when I was 3 months preg with ds, prior to this we had rough patch he suggested I stay at nans for a 'break' but threatened that I will never stop him seeing dd & ds and if I did he'll take me through every court in the land blah blah blah, we were dropped off 26th Juy last year and we haven't seen him since, not even acknowledged ds. I, like you, always tried to see the best in him, feel sorry for him, defend him, forgive him everything (even 2 affairs, one incident I walked in on! I know silly cow!) I am now living in a new area where I have few friends (I am meeting some new ones thatnks to the fabulous MN!!!) but I'm happier than ever, I am in control, I am lving with my nan (grandfather passed away Jan 3rd) and starting a law degree Feb '07. I know its tough right now but believe me it does get better, you are a lovely kind and caring person and let no-one tell you otherwise. Good luck with everything you do and I'm here for a rant if you want to!!!! Take care xx :0

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/08/2006 10:54

having said that - he might be right about the holiday - and not living with your parents. how old is your dd? I have read that kids can be very confused if parents appear a bit like everything is normal (eg going on holiday / living together). Whilst your motives are clearly totally admirable I do think you need to think through how to split properly (iyswim) and how to let him have contact with dd without quite so much contact with you. I know everything's up in the air with living arrangements etc and maybe dd is very young but you need to work out together how to move to the next stage. He does sound like a twunt but I don't think you can expect him to live with you right now.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/08/2006 10:56

and at that story fym - glad to hear you have sorted yourself out. what a total w$%^&*£

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