I am fed up of my marriage and life

[kazzawazzawoo]

I have lived with my dh for over 18 years and been married 6 years. Currently times are hard due to dh being out of work for over 7 months. I don't know if that is the reason, but I think my marriage is almost over.

I have no intention of leaving until dd is older, this is my second marriage and my two older children suffered after my first divorce, I can't put my youngest through that too. Dh and I are civil and friendly, but I don't want the rest of my life to be like this.

Obviously at the moment we have no money, so are unable to do much. But even when we did have money, dh never got involved in excursions at all. I had to come up with any ideas for going out, he would rather sit in front of the tv. He's never played with dd without encouragement, has to be asked to take her with him when he goes somewhere, and seems to think I ask too much, does little at all without being asked. It's as if everything is my responsibility, but he'll help if I ask him to do something.

He hates reality tv, so we watch American dramas that he wants to watch all the time, with me mn'ing on my phone if I get bored. If I want to watch something he will read instead of going in the other room to watch something of his own.

I don't get any time to myself. I have no friends to go out with. I would love a holiday on my own when we have money again, but cannot imagine him coping on his own. I have been away once for 3 days to visit eldest dd, but felt he was doing me a huge favour.

I rarely feel attraction to him. Often find him unkempt and a bit unwashed (and smelly). I do think at the moment he is struggling because of being out of work and am being understanding and supportive and not showing any of the things mentioned above. I know I married him to be with him in sickness and in health etc etc, but do I now accept this is my life? I have watched him try to find a job with what seems minimal effort for too long.

When I married, I didn't realise I had no right to do what I want anymore ...

How does everyone else live in their marriage? Do you have your own spending money, can you go on holiday alone, buy something you want (finances permitting), even if your dh doesn't approve?

Sorry if I sound selfish. I'm not planning on abandoning dh, but feel sad that I am spending my life with someone so lazy, who makes no effort.

Also sorry to anyone who has read my previous posts that have touched on these problems before.

Maybe I just need to snap out of this and accept there is just us and no me. Maybe I expect too much. But I have always tried hard, despite fighting depression and anxiety a lot of the time, tried to be a good parent, earn some money at the same time ... In the meantime dh has put his head in the sand over our increasing debt (due to periods of unemployment - I also wonder if they are due to sick days he took, and he took quite a lot, although not ill), leaving me to deal with it, causing me many sleepless nights and extreme anxiety and panic attacks.

Even now, I write a small to do list when I'm at work (I work 3.5 days) and he does most of the things, he is of course meant to spend most of his time looking for a job, but he won't do anything in the garden, including cleaning up after the dog, or filing or tidying the garage or attic ... He never does diy or decorating, doesn't care what the house looks like. He could have done so much with his time at home. At the very least spent quality time with dd when she gets in from school.

Sorry for rambling on. I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe confirmation that this is normal, I should shut up and accept?

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

It sounds like he is pulling his weight around the house, which is more than mine did. And I know from first hand experience that having a job can lead to depression, was that the case with him? OTOH having a job can also improve mental wellbeing, I hope he gets something and then you'll have a clearer picture of whether this is you both stressing under difficult circumstances.

I was lucky in that I had the option of being a SAHM for some time, which I liked. But the underlying problem of my Ex being somewhat unambitious and frankly no fun was a slow but deadly one.

[kazzawazzawoo]

No, he was not depressed before. I'm sure it's linked to being out of work. So there is a chance things could get much easier when he's working again.

He does what I ask him to do, but no more. I find it difficult, having responsibility for organising everything all the time and would love him to take over occasionally. Maybe that's just the depression talking.

Last time I confronted him about the fact I thought he wasn't trying hard enough to find a job he accused me of only thinking about myself. The problem is, yes, I have been feeling sorry for myself, suffering with such anxiety, the panic attacks and he never asked how I was, in 12 years of depression. On the other hand if he doesn't talk to me about how he feels, how can I know how bad it is? I have given up talking about how I feel, because he doesn't seem to know what to say, so says nothing, which makes me feel stupid, as if I need to keep it to myself and not talk about it. I have no one else I can talk to.

[Bedtime1]

I think it's the lack of communication and not knowing how to that is spoiling things coupled with both being depressed. Being out of work is awful and that definitely will make him depressed. The longer hes out of the work the more depressed and when depression sets in the further you go into a hole and lacking motivation and hope.
If he gets a job it will make things easier.

[Bedtime1]

Could you help him a bit with job applications and his cv etc. getting back to work will really help. Does he exercise ? because that will help his mood

[kazzawazzawoo]

Thanks Bedtime. I do sit with him, looking for jobs on my days off. We have been through his cv and also the job centre sent him to a cv day.

[kazzawazzawoo]

He doesn't exercise, doesn't like to, but I do often drag him out to walk the dog with me!

[zareen01]

Hi 12 years of marriage nd 4 kids,love my hubby to bits but i feel like running away,dnt get me wrong he works good hours but when hes got a day off hes into his phone or tv.we spend the day at home on the couch,him on one side nd me on the other..its like he speaks or does something just for the sake of it.no compliments when i get ready just soo fed up dnt know wat to do.i have to ask for a hug

[kiran163]

I fed up with my married life bcoz we both have not same thinking...he torcher me always.mentally torcher I can't handle now.i want to divorce I know we can't stay together.the situation is very critical now..tell me plzzzzzzz what I have to do

[endofthelinefinally]

Could you go full time and he sign up with an agency?
My brother has done agency work since having a stroke and being made redundant 10 years ago. He cant pass a medical for a regular job ( with a pension) so he is still doing agency work at 65. But he would be miserable sitting at home and has a very strong work ethic. In spite of almost dying. Actually he really appreciates being alive now.

[DadOctave]

I don't think you're being at all selfish OP, you need to be kinder to yourself.I'd been guilty of only doing the things that were asked of me and not organising things, and as much as my (ex) wife was awesome at organising everything that wasn't the point, she still wanted me sit get stuff together and help keep all the plates spinning as it were. A other contributing factor. Him being defensive isn't helping things, sign of anxiety and or depression. He does need to pick himself up a bit by the sounds of things, would definitely try and get him to see gp.

[FrogsSitonLogs]

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