I sabotaged my marriage :(

[Lozislovely]

My 20 year marriage broke down last year and having had 7 months of fear, anger, hurt, more anger, sadness, even more anger and finally acceptance, I've had a light bulb moment.

I sabotaged my marriage without realising it because of my low self esteem. I realise now that I expected my XH to 'fix' me, blamed him for so many things, used refusal for sex as a weapon, even when he told me he loved me.

I made him miserable because I was miserable, dragged up the past all the time and didn't live in the present moment.

I always thought I was never good enough for him, he would cheat or leave. I couldn't bear to look at myself so didn't want him to look at me either. And even when he still fancied me I didn't believe it.

So now I sit here and wonder if I've left it too late to attempt to try again?

XH has said he doesn't want to hurt anymore and I understand that now, just wish the fuck I'd realised what I doing before it was too late

Thank you for the positive messages.

Jan - you are spot on.

I can pin point the exact time it started (but its taken an awful long time) - we moved 120 miles away from family to give the children better opportunities.

I've been on so many meds, had counselling but no one ever said anything about low self esteem.

I got the classic 'oh it was your upbringing/ don't be so hard on yourself/ accept how you are.

So I've been going round in circles looking for a reason and hurting those close to me.

I now realise I don't need to keep looking, I need to change the way I think. It's going to take work to unlearn everything I thought was wrong with me but I'm already feeling so much more positive.

XH has been very good to me and I am keeping my distance.

Oh Dora, thank you

I feel like I've wasted such a long time beating myself up for something that was never 'real'.

I wish I had been more open with friends and family about how I felt about myself but I felt like a loon and had the classic woe of me symptom of 'I don't want to be a burden'.

I could kick myself but there's no point in that anymore! Process the thought, make a conscious decision what to do with that thought, after all it is just a thought, it doesn't control us unless we let it, and move on!!