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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I sabotaged my marriage :(

52 replies

Lozislovely · 15/02/2014 12:47

My 20 year marriage broke down last year and having had 7 months of fear, anger, hurt, more anger, sadness, even more anger and finally acceptance, I've had a light bulb moment.

I sabotaged my marriage without realising it because of my low self esteem. I realise now that I expected my XH to 'fix' me, blamed him for so many things, used refusal for sex as a weapon, even when he told me he loved me.

I made him miserable because I was miserable, dragged up the past all the time and didn't live in the present moment.

I always thought I was never good enough for him, he would cheat or leave. I couldn't bear to look at myself so didn't want him to look at me either. And even when he still fancied me I didn't believe it.

So now I sit here and wonder if I've left it too late to attempt to try again?

XH has said he doesn't want to hurt anymore and I understand that now, just wish the fuck I'd realised what I doing before it was too late Hmm

OP posts:
Joysmum · 15/02/2014 16:34

Should just add on, that much (if not all) of my continued self sabotage comes at my times if lowest self esteem when I don't feel deserving if the good things in life so it's my way if punishing myself too.

Meerka · 15/02/2014 16:35

I am so sorry that it's gone this far, loz

silly question ... have you actually apologised to him?

In your letter to him, this needs to be done; a thoughtful, considered apology. It is the start of some sort of healing for him perhaps. It sounds to me as if you have come a long way in the 6 months you've been NC and that you have learned a great deal in terms of self-knowledge about how you have behaved.

I do, i really do hope you can find a future together but if he has already moved on, then it sounds like you will know a great deal better how to handle your own problems in the future, whether you're with him or not.

All the best.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 15/02/2014 17:35

I am definitely trying to sort myself out. For years I have suffered with anxiety, thought 'I' was fine and the anxiety was linked to having a fear of blood.

Over the past months I've really really thought about where the anxiety actually came from and I now know that it stems from my low self esteem.

I know I said and did things to XH and he acknowledges that he did also. We were both guilty of masking issues and not properly sitting down and sorting them out properly.

That in turn led me to keep hold of those memories and not set them free.

We've both acknowledged that we were complacent and that we should have worked harder.

I have apologised and so has he but we haven't sat down and had a proper discussion as yet as he thinks I'm having a 'blip'. I'll be seeing him on Monday so we'll take it from there.

It is possible that through this we decide that we don't have a future and having lived on my own (with 2 DS) I don't mind being alone.

What I don't want to do is miss the opportunity to see if there is a chance we can reconcile as so much was left unsaid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 17/02/2014 23:30

@arse I want to thank you for your opinion as it helped me to really open my eyes to what I did.

I met up with XH today and we spoke for hours. We acknowledged what we would have done differently and I apologised for the way I treated him. He is also remorseful for his hot headed behaviour in our early years and thought our break up stemmed from that.

I realised that whilst he changed for the better, I changed for the worse and effectively ruined our marriage because of my low self esteem.

He thought I was in a better place now and hadn't realised I wasn't.

He is hurt and I can see that. He wants me to be happy and I said that I will be whatever the future holds and whatever life throws at me.

He has moved on and met someone else, and I have no issues with that at all. He spoke about her and I had no anger or resentment. In fact I am happy for him and we laughed about the trials and tribulations of Internet dating.

He felt that my contact was out of the blue and that confused him. He had shown the texts we exchanged to his new partner and she has chosen to slag me off to the hilt. This upsets him as he doesn't view me as a bad person.

We both agreed that we should have sought counselling during the rougher times, appreciated each other more and spent more time together as a couple.

We both cried a lot. We hugged (nothing more) and we parted telling each other that we both care and will always be there for each other.

I realise that I spent a lot of time living in the past and that my mental health issues were mine alone and that I should never have made him feel my issues were his problem. I should have lived for the present and I understand that now.

I'm not sure what the next step is. He still loves me and I still love him. All his friends have told him I'm a bitch and to give me a wide berth and I have no problem with that, friends protect friends.

I guess I am asking for you help - do I suggest we go NC? I do just want him to be happy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 23:36

he is in a relationship with someone else now ?

how about you just leave them alone to get on with it ?

if he still wants you, he will end that one and you could maybe make another go of it

but I suspect that you making contact "out of the blue", meeting him for heart to heart chats and angsting all over the fucking shop together is pretty disrespectful to his new partner, although of course he is equally responsible for that

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2014 23:45

Loz... Him having a new partner puts things on an entirely different footing and I agree with AF, you must leave him to it.

You need to work out a dual-parenting relationship with him and make that as cordial and painless for your children as you can. That's it.

Forget all about writing letters, this is now a totally new ballgame and you really must not allow yourself to become a foil for your husband's ego-stroking. I don't know what he was thinking of in not telling you sooner but you know now and must deal with it.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 17/02/2014 23:48

@AF I agree

I didn't know about his new partner when I contacted him.

You are right, I need to leave him alone. I feel bad for messing with his head.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 23:49

Messing with his head will mess with yours

Move on. If it was meant to be, you would still be together.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 17/02/2014 23:53

@Lying - thank you. My children do come first and both me and exH have made sure to protect them from our hurt.

I'm feeling bad now for having contacted him at all. There were on both parts many things left unsaid and I realise now that's how they should have stayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 17/02/2014 23:55

AF you are right, the past is the past and that's where it belongs.

I just have one regret that I didn't seek help for me sooner, but understand that only I alone can deal with that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 23:58

I am glad you are backing off. It seems best in the circumstances. That doesn't mean though that you cannot continue to seek understanding on your own account, perhaps through individual counselling ?

Original poster
Lozislovely · 18/02/2014 00:01

I have CBT starting in a couple of weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Life is hard and I wasted too much time beating myself up for not being 'perfect'.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 00:03

CBT will be great. You sound like you will be very receptive. Best to talk all this out with someone who has no personal connection to you.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 18/02/2014 00:07

The break up helped me to realise that I was the issue, not him. I guess that's why I contacted him, rightly or wrongly, to let him know that.

I'm a grown up FFS, I am responsible for me, not exH, not my past, me!

I've had an urge to run down the street naked because I've accepted my baggy belly, thunderous thighs, saggy boobs, its who i am!!!! Just not sure the neighbours are ready for it just yet!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 00:08

Please don't do that Grin

Original poster
Lozislovely · 18/02/2014 00:13

AF - what a partypooper you are Smile

Seriously though, if these past months have thought me anything, it's to not be so hard on myself. My partner didn't leave me for another woman, but I wish he had in some respects, or died even, because I know I wouldn't have had any reason to doubt my reasons for moving on.

I've learnt a hard lesson, been pissed off when people said 'be kind to yourself', when I was screaming what the fuck to you mean be kind to me, I'm a waster/abuser/woe is me/not worthy person.

Now I am learning to live in the present and be grateful for what I have, not what I thought I wanted.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 00:18

Just a quick flash at the front door then ? Smile

Original poster
Lozislovely · 18/02/2014 00:21

Ooh, I'm doing it!

Damn, there's no-one there. I do have an Asda delivery coming tomorrow though Wink

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 00:22

Don't stay on the doorstep in the nip until he arrives, though

Original poster
Lozislovely · 18/02/2014 00:53

I'd poke his eyes out if I did that Wink

OP posts:
WobblyHalo · 18/02/2014 11:23

This was such a lovely, uplifting thread.

Nowadays, we are so aware of issues people are born with and die with, like narcissism, etc. that it seems impossible for people to still change for the better.

I wish you all the best for your future Lozislovely.

Meerka · 18/02/2014 11:28

I dont think it was a bad thing to meet him .... once. It sounds like you talked an awful lot of stuff through and it may have given peace about the whole relationship and break up to you both.

From his friends' pov and from what you have said, sadly you probably were a bitch. But you have realised it and you're trying to change that and working hard on it.

I wish you and your children all the best.

Loveyouthree · 18/02/2014 17:17

Wow, Loz, this is me.

I have barely any self esteem and usually think he's going to cheat on me/leave me so daren't enjoy the moment.

I go on and on about the past, even ringing him at work sometimes to ask "what exactly were you doing on the night of October 15th 2012?" ( for example) Blush

I withold sex.

He tells me every day that he loves me, that I'm gorgeous, that I'm perfect etc etc but I never believe him.

I am getting a bit better, and we're not yet married, but this thread is a big wake up call.

Loz, I hope you get things sorted xx

Jan45 · 18/02/2014 17:26

It's the old chestnut, if you don't love yourself how do you expect anyone else to....?

Doratheexplorersboots · 18/02/2014 19:20

Loz..I think you're brilliant (not quite sure about the nakedness on the doorstep but anyway!!), it sounds like you have reached and still reaching a good level of self-awareness. You've forgiven yourself; that's incredibly important in letting go and moving on.

I felt terrible about the way I behaved in the past..but just feeling terrible and self flagellation didn't help me to change and treat people better, I also took time out to analyse and heal and to try to love myself (not easy!)..
Sounds like it was helpful to meet up, but now you're giving him the space to move on and be happy himself and you've handled it like a loving considerate person..
These are for you crazy naked doorstep lady Thanks good luck, hope the counselling continues to be so helpful

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