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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This isn't normal, is it? (sex)

60 replies

thecircleline · 15/02/2014 10:36

Don't know how to put this so am just going to be blunt; when we DTD, I feel like I am in bed with my brother (or something like that). Not turned on in the slightest. And it's not for lack of attention or technique. What is wrong with me?!

He's my best friend and everything else is great. I don't want to chuck away a brilliant relationship over this one thing. Am on the pill but that's not the problem.

How can I fix this?

OP posts:
BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 18/02/2014 20:30
Hmm
DistanceCall · 18/02/2014 20:33

Can you remember what it was that attracted you to your partner initially?

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 18/02/2014 20:33

I think if you want kids then the MOST important thing is to be with the right person, even if that means doing it alone. I really do.

Although "they are a nice/the right person to have children with but not right for me" is a bit different. But still, I think it's probably better to be honest even though most people would run a mile from that kind of proposition.

failingmammalian · 18/02/2014 20:37

Agree pill is a KILLER of sexdrive. Check out interesting valentines day ted talk about desire for some thorts

thecircleline · 18/02/2014 21:23

Distance, yes, we got on so well and I started really looking forward to/being excited about seeing him. I know I could take him to anything and put him in any situation and he would handle it with ease - and probably come out with new friends at the end of it. Time with him passed so quickly and I never had to give a second thought to thinking of things to say or how to act around him.

With regards to time away from each other - we do get this a bit. I'm always glad to see him when I get back and do miss him while we're apart, but actually quite often enjoy having the time on my own. Not really feasible to get any more of this than we do at the moment... And it's not really a long term solution, is it? On a weekly basis we do plenty apart with work colleagues and friends, although we make time for each other too.

I tried to address the sex thing head on the other night and it didn't go very well. He feels pretty awkward talking about it, and neither of us really know (or he isn't willing to admit) new things we'd like to try that we'd actually be comfortable with. In a strange way I guess our relationship never has been massively sexual - yes we were all over each other every day at first, but he's not the type to call me 'baby', for example - and if I'm honest I don't think I've ever looked at him and thought, wow, you're bloody sexy. I have with others in the past and it makes me lust after that feeling!

We have some holidays coming up so I am thinking I'll see them through and then reassess. Perhaps a naughty afternoon in a hotel would do us good! Just watched that sew off thing and think I will be putting on my nice silky nightie tonight :)

Gosh, sorry this is such an essay. I really appreciate all the advice, so thanks - please keep it coming! It's really useful to get some outside perspective. I'll check out that TED talk too.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 18/02/2014 22:25

Hi.

My advice would be to wait for the big explosion. Just because when it happens it is amazing and great sex with your soul mate (I know vomit)really is all it is cracked up to be.

But my v good friend married her non sparky bf and they are as solid and happy as any of the rest of us. They spend all their time together but never argue. Been together 15 years and seem content/happy but sex is not a driver.

She had her heart broken by the big spark in her life where sex was amazing and constant and I've always thought she went for the safe option as a reaction to that.

I wouldn't want safe though. I like a bit of oh I don't know. Put it this way, if I were to spend the time with my dh that my good friend does with hers we would kill each other. But she likes that. A constant companion. They are literally joined at the hip. They also had no big falling in love, they pretty much hardly dated. Just went straight to spending all their time together.

But she is happy....I am happy.... Everyone is different:)

rainbowsmiles · 18/02/2014 22:47

Okay not literally joined at the hip, although if that had to happen I think they would be okay with it.

LondonNicki · 18/02/2014 23:18

Sometimes the pill kills your sex drive in my experience.....maybe come off it for a couple of months and see if that makes a difference?

MadBusLady · 18/02/2014 23:27

Helltotheno they weren't strongly disapproving about it to be fair, just made clear their general assumption that the early spark is something you put away with other childish things, and long lasting friendship companionship are still important.

The funny thing is they are 'do what I say not what I do' in this area! They're best friends now in their sixties and manage not to kill each other, but they're very different people and have had to work at it. They definitely have a spark. But I guess because the main 'work' of their marriage has been on the friendship they are focused on that as the main 'prize'.

MadBusLady · 18/02/2014 23:28

More important! not still important.

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