This isn't normal, is it? (sex)

[thecircleline]

Don't know how to put this so am just going to be blunt; when we DTD, I feel like I am in bed with my brother (or something like that). Not turned on in the slightest. And it's not for lack of attention or technique. What is wrong with me?!

He's my best friend and everything else is great. I don't want to chuck away a brilliant relationship over this one thing. Am on the pill but that's not the problem.

How can I fix this?

Not to put it delicately...

Are you able to wank? ie do you have a sex drive at all?

I think the best way to tell is to date again, in company, and see if you find yourself pawing at him, running your leg on his etc.

It's really easy to get into the habit of staying indoors when you live together. I find that I start to wonder if the spark is still there sometimes but all we have to do is go out in company and I find I start showing 'ownership' body language. Lots of touching and body or hand holding, legs touching etc. if you really didn't fancy the person anymore you wouldn't do this I don't think.

On the past when I knew a relationship was over I physically recoiled from the person touch. I did everything I could to avoid it. Do you feel like that?

Your reasons for staying appear to be (in no particular order)

1. You're best friends
2. Independence represents a backward step
3. You'd have to share a house with someone if you split up
4. You'd never find anyone else you felt a connection with

Very little of that seems to be positively/enthusiastically about him. More that he's better than nothing...

"Feeling pressured that we're coming up to prime marrying/having babies age. "

There is pressure of one kind or another - internal as well as external. There is also the trap of thinking that, once you hit a particular age, whoever is in the chair when the music stops has to be the one, even if they're not.

It's interesting you say that he feels like a brother. My uneducated opinion is that in long term relationships your partner feels more like family, and you don't usually fuck family members. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I think it's fairly normal, what you are going through.

So yes...I think going on dates together might be good. Not to try and be like you were at the start, but to recognise each other as separate people and lovers, rather than family.

are you sure it's not the pill?

You haven't responded to the comments about the pill - have you considered this? I've had a few LTR and they all started well, then interest in sex tailed off. It was only when I came off the pill to TTC and my sex drive came back that I put the timings together. I won't ever go back on hormonal contraception. I am very aware now that my libido rockets when I'm ovulating, and I'm not going to deny myself that again.

Same experience here as PostHoc. It was so gradual I hardly noticed and on paper I still had a relatively normal sex life, but I just couldn't access that part of my brain at all while I was on the pill. If the same is true of you, the decision will become a LOT clearer without hormonal contraception.

Another one to add re pill. Come off it for a month and see if it changes. If it was there at the start then you will be able to get it back. My sex drive plummets to nothing on the pill. It could be Matt Damon and I'd turn around and fall asleep. Just nothing.

Just to make it clear - did you feel differently at the beginning? Butterflies in your stomach when you saw him, etc.?

Because if you never did, there's nothing that can be done, I'm afraid. If there's no spark there's no spark, and I honestly don't think that anyone should ever marry and/or have children with someone they are not head over heels in love with.

If you did, then it's a matter of getting back to that point.

I was like this with my ex, we had become more like friends than lovers. I had to finish it and we remained good friends

Yes, there were butterflies in the beginning.

And yes, I am on the pill, but there have been times when I haven't timed a prescription pick up quite right and missed a month - don't think I found it really makes a difference.

Also bumped into an old flame recently, and for weeks couldn't get him out of my head and would feel turned on just at the thought of him, whilst with the BF, nothing... I know another man (at the same time) is definitely nt the answer, and have put that to one side. OM and I have of course never had the day to day life together that BF and I have.

We do date and socialise a lot - our lives are far from boring (I do have a tendency to get bored very easily, with everything. Weekends with nothing to do drive me nuts). BF supports his and is happy to come out and do things with me, even occasionally suggests outings himself.

I do notice we do the touchy feels being drawn together thing when in the company of others. It's just that when we get into bed together I seem to get this mental block. Sometimes I think the atmosphere between us is a bit awkward, and I don't know how to get rid of that, if it's a lack of true physical compatability, or if it's just all in my head.

I agree with cogito about the best friends/lover thing. It is touted around as the ideal and indeed my dp is an amazing friend but so was my ex and yet the sexual chemistry fizzled out really fast. With him we liked all the same things and were close etc but that other 'thing' just wasn't there and we were like flatmates. Whereas with dp after 22 years it is still as strong as ever. I still find him interesting though and don't feel I know everything about him He has his own life and interests esp his music and I think I still fancy him because of that

Noddy that's interesting. I wonder if there is an element of needing to respect our partners in some way aside from them being our OH.

For example my partner is very lovey dovey at home and adores me however he also has a very good job and can be an absolute arsehole to other people, even a smidge intimidating in his ways. I wonder if I would respect him less if he was a pussy cat in every area of his life and a general submissive.

I fancied the pants off my ex and he was a very good lover but struggled at work, had anxiety and made me take the lead whenever anything needed sorting out. I ended up feeling like his Mother, it was a huge turn off.

Seb I think thats certainly true with us. I am still amazed when dp writes a song and plays it back to me It is definitely a huge factor in keeping me interested. I have lots of friends but only one him!

What about psychosexual counselling OP?

Also, you could just be one of those who get bored with LTRs, ie the routine of them? After all, the routine of having sex x times a week with the same person over 20 some years is actually a routine on the face of it. It's the mental processes behind it that make that routine different for each individual....

Do you tend to like the excitement of the chase a lot and crave that feeling?

The excitement of the chase... No. I get very attached very easily, and am often in danger of letting myself be messed around. Getting together with BF was great because there was no chasing needed, no games, we just started seeing each other and quickly fell into an easy, comfortable relationship.

Cog, he is wonderful. Makes me laugh, puts my needs before his, helps around the house, has made an effort to improve on habits I've nagged about, we have similar goals and outlook on life, and a shared desire for children (as in when, how many). Has goods friends, makes socialising easy, a family that like and welcome me, a good job, and is generally an all round lovely person.

There is no mystery. How can there be when you know someone so well?

The therapy is an interesting suggestion - what kind of things do they do there? I was going to try CBT?

I should add, maye too easily? I have become rather complacent secure in the knowledge that he loves me pretty much however I behave, which makes me feel like the much more dominant one in the relationship.

Ah, that beginning sounds exactly like the relationship I have just ended for the same reason. And by the way, I've also had the "maybe you just like the early thrills" stuff from my parents in a quite disapproving way. Bollocks, it just isn't doing it for me, and that's all there is to it.

However, I did try to talk about it with him a few times, unsuccessfully, he didn't, and doesn't, really understand what I mean. If you think it is worth saving, getting over your embarrassment to have the conversation would be the first step.

Saying that, your reasons for not ending it do sound pretty fearful to me, and that's not a good place to make decisions. I am genuinely looking forward to moving back into a flatshare, it feels exciting and different at a time when so many people my age are on a very hard slog. I've done the house-buying thing (twice), I've done the living with men thing (three times), I am so over domesticity

Madbuswoman (don't know how to do the taggy thing, hmmm) I read your thread - it's great that you were able to come to a decision. Do you mind if I ask, did the previous relationships where you lived together come to an end for similar reasons? Do you worry at all that you'll never meet someone with whom the passion can be sustained? Impossible to tell from the start of a new relationship, of course.

This is the longest I've ever been with someone and the first time I've actually lived with a partner, just struggle to know what to expect.

It's all very well to say don't settle, and I wouldn't be doing that exactly, he is a catch! But a lot of people say that with hindsight, having had the marriage and the DC. I assume (rightly or wrongly) that given the choice between maybe not being with quite the right (but still perfectly good) person, and never having had their children, they would choose the former?

Of course I'd be sad/scared to leave. We've put a lot into our relationship and care very much about each other. We've built and home and a life, and the prospect of loosing that is somewhat daunting.

Thecircle only you can make the decision, please don't let random internet people convince you into any action or inaction.

You need to weigh this up carefully as I'm concerned you could either end up feeling you have settled down the line and you will end up making yourself and your partner thoroughly miserable. Or potentially worse you could leave and then realise 5 years down the line that he was 'the one' but is now happy with someone else, married kids etc while you may be unhappily single.

I have to say I don't envy you.

Just a thought OP. Have you spent much time away from your DP since moving in together? I ask because I was getting so familiar with my DP and all his little ways that I started losing the butterflies. Now he has been away working for six weeks and I can't wait to see him again and jump on him

Do you have any reason to work away or travel somewhere for a week or two to see if you miss him? That would be telling.

I don't think I've started my own thread so you might be confusing me with someone else, but I have lived with other people and, no those definitely didn't come to an end for the same reason. One was an abusive twat, the other just a moody git. So I've been in all spots - non-starter due to abusiveness, basic incompatibility and lack of spark.

The thing is though, I'm not particularly interested in having kids and I'm aware that makes things massively easier for me - if it suddenly seems right and it's still possible, then great, but I'm not going to plan for it. I do hope to have significant relationships in the future, but I am also potentially prepared to never find what I'm looking for. I decided even that was better than living with something I didn't feel was right.

Of course, I might live to regret my decision, you're right that none of us get an overview. I just have to make the choice that's in front of me now.

MadBus why were your parents disapproving about that? Lots of people are 'early thrills' types and if you're wired like that, it's hard to help it.. I'd even call myself one because I've had relationships fizzle due to lack of interest on my part more than once; the only reason it works with DH is that we do more stuff separately than the average couple, therefore spend more time apart, which definitely helps our dynamic!

It's a weight off for you not to be bothered about having kids. I often think it's too much of a factor for women in choosing partners.

OP do you feel he's just too nice?

It's a tough decision for you definitely. Some will say the spark is more important, others will say the friendship is more important. What about some time apart to work out how you feel without him?

28 is young. I'm 25 and married but yes I think it's still young. I feel too young to be married, truth be told, but I already have a child from a previous relationship and I knew a good thing when I saw it If DH and I didn't have my DS then I don't think we'd be married yet. Although - on your last point, no, I absolutely would rather have not had my child than be stuck with the wrong person (thankfully, it's not a choice you have to make) but I think on balance I'd rather not have had DS at all than had him with the wrong person. I would rather be with the right person and not have DC (even though I think I'd always have wanted them).

But, I really don't think you're at this point? I suppose it depends how important sex is to you but to me, I think it just does get a bit mundane and tired in a long term relationship unless you're actually putting something into it (which I am quite conscious of doing).

I think Kougin is really on to something there. Missing someone makes them incredibly more sexy when you come back to them. My ex was really controlling and I never went out without him (not suggesting your BF is contrilling, BTW!) and the one time I did because my work night out didn't invite partners, I was really happy to see him when I got back if you see what I mean and I'd been struggling to have any enthusiasm for sex at all.

Extreme example, of course - but in a normal relationship perhaps a little longer away by yourself would help?

Also a change of scene in general, ie going away together. That can be sexy especially when you're not thinking "Yeah this is nice and all but I came to bed later than I wanted to as it is and I have to be up early in the morning" - having the freedom to spend all day in bed is pretty nice

And possibly just starting again? Play it like a sexy game, ban everything except kissing and holding hands, then slowly allow different things like nipple touching, etc whatever floats your boat. Or make it a secret where each boundary is so that you have to follow the cues of each other etc which can bring back the "is he, isn't he?" excitement. Or do it over the course of one afternoon or something where you have nowhere to be and nothing to do, have a competition to see if you can turn the other person on enough that they break the boundary and you can add forfeits etc. It's interesting because it makes you discover things you like other than the obvious old favourites and breaks you out of your "sex routine" which can get pretty samey.

And the other old Cosmo favourites like trying a new toy/position/activity/new undies/shaving if you don't normally etc (TBH, some of these probably sound dullsville) but sometimes talking about random fantasies or things you've wondered about can spark something. Or even reminiscing about something you did back when you were first dating which was really sexy or exciting.