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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need urgent advice for a friend

27 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 15/02/2014 09:50

Her partner is increasingly violent towards her. They're not married but have three kids, her names are on the deeds.

They've been separated for over a year but he refuses to leave the house. He pushes her about a lot and last night things got worse physically.

She has a solicitor who's talked about getting an occupation order to make him leave. She's too scared to do it though as she says he'll batter her. Knowing him I think he would.

She can't go to a refuge as she won't leave her dogs.

What would the police actually do if she was to serve him with an occupation order and he went off on one? I guess once she can get to a phone and call them then they'd arrest him? But at some point they'd let him go and he wouldn't care about being arrested again - he'd come straight back round and smash the door down and have another go.

OP posts:
LilyBlossom14 · 15/02/2014 10:01

They would arrest him - as they would if she called them after he physically abuses her. I think then she would get an occupation order to stop him coming near her, and if he did he would be arrested again. Can you advise her to contact WA for advice and maybe call 101 to report last night's behaviour.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 15/02/2014 10:02

Thanks. Will tell her to do that. I'm just worried that she'll be too scared to do anything else and will be in this position still in six months time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/02/2014 10:05

If he touches her again or is being threatening she can call the police out there and then. They should remove him, arrest him etc.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 15/02/2014 10:06

I think she's just worried that he will be arrested then released. Will come back and beat her again. Be arrested and released and come back and do it again, over and over.

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 15/02/2014 10:08

She can make a report today for his behaviour last night.

LilyBlossom14 · 15/02/2014 10:09

poor girl - sounds awful. Do you think she would report him today for what he did last night?

Joules68 · 15/02/2014 10:12

She's being neglectful of her kids by remaining in this situation. She needs to report everything

Keep a diary

But she needs to get away ASAP. She will have to temporarily go to a refuge. The dogs aren't more important than her kids! WA will be able to advise. The dogs could go in kennels?

tribpot · 15/02/2014 10:17

I think WA has some resources to help rehome pets temporarily. It's certainly worth her talking to them, rather than simply endure the abuse for the sake of the dogs. She needs to consider the possibility that he will kill her, esp if he is escalating.

Joules68 · 15/02/2014 10:17

How old are the dc?

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 15/02/2014 10:22

Kids are teenagers. She can't afford to kennel the dogs. I'll tell her to ring WA and see what they can advise.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2014 10:23

I think she needs the advice of Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. She can't take the risk of confronting him and hoping the police ride to her rescue in time. She almost certainly has to get to a place of safety first (and what is it with people and their precious bloody dogs?) and then serve the order.

RandomMess · 15/02/2014 10:23

The local police will have a domestic violence unit she should call them and discuss exactly what will happen.

Are their any witnesses or evidence to the violence?

RandomMess · 15/02/2014 10:24

Of course once arrested and out of the house she could realise that she has lost all the copied of the house keys and urgently get the lock changed.

PandaFeet · 15/02/2014 10:25

When my ex was arrested (for criminal damage, harrassment, breaking and entering and trespass, I think they were just covering all the bases as he only ended up being charged and convicted of criminal damage) the conditions of the police bail were that he couldn't enter the town I lived in, and if he was inside the 30mph lines they would arrest him again.

I got an occupation order in an emergency hearing two days later, and I was told that if he came back I was to call them and tell them he was in breach of it, that would have resulted in a night in the cells to face a judge the next morning.

So the police can help and they will help. If she calls them and tells them she is afraid he will beat her and she wants him out they will help. It might be more complicated than my situation as his name is probably on the house too, but that really is a minor detail when he is such a bully.

Joules68 · 15/02/2014 10:25

Unlikely she can go to a refuge/hostel if she has male teens then

Ask her what she would do with the dogs if she were hospitalised? She needs to re home them, any local places you can contact?

AnythingNotEverything · 15/02/2014 10:27

Women's Aid are often in contact with charities that will rehome or foster dogs in these circumstances. It depends on the make up of charities in your area, but she should at least talk to them for advice.

She needs to talk to the police.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 15/02/2014 10:27

I've said to change the locks but she says he will just smash the door down. Which he did to his ex years ago.

There's no witnesses but I've seen bruises on her. Some of the neighbours have seen shouting/threatening in the street but they won't get involved. She's told her GP what's been happening and he's seen bruises.

OP posts:
PandaFeet · 15/02/2014 10:30

I have to add that the criminal damage was very very minor (if I say what it will out me) but really, the police used it as a way to get him out of my house. Once they were charging him with anything they could impose the restrictions on where he could go with police bail.

My point is, your friends husband doesnt need to have smashed the place up for her to get help.

And treatment of DV cases has moved on a lot since then too. Officers are more aware and have more powers to deal with it.

RandomMess · 15/02/2014 10:32

He starts creating outside, she dialls 999 and then they will arrest him!

She really need to speak to the DV unit, the fact her GP is aware and she has evidence recorded will hopefully been they can set up an occupation order the first time they arrest him.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 15/02/2014 10:33

He has smashed the place up already.

He's not the sort of person to be bothered by bail conditions so will just go straight back round.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 15/02/2014 10:35

Then she should pack up and go.... Where he won't find them.

PandaFeet · 15/02/2014 10:39

If he does go back round, just once, the police have more of a case to hold him. If he keeps doing it, he might not even get back out.

Every breach will be put up before a judge, every breach will be recorded as another conviction. If she gets a non molestation order too then his criminal record will be mounting. This will all be explained to him by police and the duty solicitor.

My advice to her is to go to a police station. Ask for advice. See what they say. But she needs him out and there are people who can help. Once he's out she can get a solicitor who will be able to get the occupation order and non mol sorted asap.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 15/02/2014 10:46

Thanks for all the advice. I'll pass it on when I see her next, hopefully early next week. I can't text her incase he sees her phone.

OP posts:
LilyBlossom14 · 15/02/2014 10:58

also you say he has done this before - he already has a criminal record for this behaviour with an ex?

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