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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and dumped

32 replies

Londonfirsttime2014 · 14/02/2014 15:03

My husband of less then a year and partner for 7 years decided 2 weeks ago that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He decided to tell me at 8 weeks pregnant so that I could make a decision about what I wanted to do! So angry I can't even explain. The baby was planned and we have had miscarriages before but apparently he has been unhappy for years. Our relationship has never been boring and I thought this was something that he liked ( he had told me that before). Just cannot understand how someone can claim to be so happy but want to get married and have a baby! I am totally gutted and have left the flat we share. He now wants to be involved with the baby as much as he can. Find it hard to deal with this day to day and keep strong when I've been treated so poorly. Not sure how to cope. Has anyone gone through this? How did you cope??

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/02/2014 15:08

London, you don't have to have anything to do with him whilst you're pregnant, I hope you realise that. He has no right to be "involved" with the pregnancy or birth if you don't want him to.

He is a coward and an idiot and I'm sorry he's put you through this. It must be really hard if it's just come out of the blue. Are you ok? Have you got somewhere to live, finances etc.?

I would have nothing to do with him for now. Let yourself grieve for the loss of the relationship and make plans for the baby. You will be fine :) you don't need to do anything with him other than sort the practicalities. He will also have to pay you maintenance and you can arrange access for when the baby is here.

I'm going to say it again, you will be fine! And congratulations on your pregnancy :)

hamptoncourt · 14/02/2014 15:09

So sorry you are in such a predicament.

When you say your relationship has never been boring, do you mean it has been drama filled?

How old are you? Are you going to be able to go back to work after baby?

Can you see your GP and get some urgent counselling?

Lots of women are LP from Day 1 and manage just fine. Many women stay in relationships that are way past their sell by date just cos they have DC and they are certainly not fine.

If he seriously can commit to co parenting, and bearing in mind your previous MC would you be able to cope do you think?

Whatever you do, don't do any begging or pleading. If he really doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more then you will have to accept it. His timing is pretty shit though eh? Are you sure he isn't just panicking? Although of course it's still an unacceptable way to treat you.

WhateverTrevor83 · 14/02/2014 15:10

Oh my word. What a moron. I'm sorry xxxxxx

Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 14/02/2014 15:24

Our relationship has had some challenges over the last 7 years and we always manage to work things out. Thought It was forever. Just don't understand why he wanted a baby and marriage just to do this to me.

I am 29, have a decent job and have moved in with my mum. He is being extremely cold and cruel. So hurt by his behaviour. My family tell me to focus on myself and baby but I find it so hard to as I have so many unanswered questions

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/02/2014 15:53

London, it's hard. You may never get any real answers. I remember that, "but why?!" Feeling so well.

Your family is right. You're 29, with a good career and you're going to have a lovely baby too. That's a fantastic position to be in. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it is. Ultimately he is an idiot who has done you a favour by removing himself from your life. There are so many great men out there, don't waste your time on one who isn't (I wasted 13 years on one)

hamptoncourt · 14/02/2014 17:30

Absolutely! Once you have your baby it will all make sense somehow. I agree with other posters though to keep well away from him for now.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things OP, concentrating on the positives, your supportive family, good job, and hopefully a great life ahead for you and your baby.

If he cannot cope it is probably better that you know now. Also, see a solicitor. Although you haven't been married for long, you were together for 7 and are having his baby, so make sure you get a proper financial contribution.

Rightallalong · 14/02/2014 18:18

Sorry to hear this OP.

I think grieving the relationship is very wise. I agree you should think about you and whether you want him there, it's not compulsory.

Just be kind to yourself and try as hard as you can to ignore him. The lack of answers and warmth from someone you loved has to be one of the hardest things to accept, but once you do then you can focus on you.

Wishing you lots of luck and strength. Un mumsnetty hugs too

EirikurNoromaour · 15/02/2014 07:42

I'm so sorry. Have you done any investigating to find the other woman? I'm sure you won't like hearing it but it might help to make sense of his behaviour if you find her (and she undoubtably exists)
What a cunt.

Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 15/02/2014 08:12

I have a feeling there is someone else too but can't really prove it. I guess time will tell. Just finding it hard to deal with someone who is so cold and uncaring.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 15/02/2014 08:17

What's that site that people always talk about? Chump lady.com? I think you might benefit from some context to his behaviour. And it demonstrates how pathetically predictable and weak these men are.
Nobody leaves their pregnant wife for no reason. And the cold behaviour is a sign of his internal permission giving process - he can't be too nice to you or he would start feeling guilty and stop believing his lie that your relationship was dead/not working prior to him embarking on his affair.

wallypops · 15/02/2014 16:39

God this is the script my xh followed. OW all the way for me - I never knew. Started as soon as I got pregnant. He got back with me (about 2 weeks later) when he understood that I was going ahead whatever and it turned out all he was really interested in was how he would look to others. God I wish I had let him leave for good then - except for my second DC.

Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 16/02/2014 14:44

Managed to find a phone bill, he was texting someone at 12 at night a couple of days after he told me he didn't want the marriage or baby. Called the number and it was a woman. Hmmmm what a fool I am. There is ALWAYS another woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 16/02/2014 14:46

Sadness has turned to anger. Just want the truth

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 16/02/2014 17:24

I'm sorry.
There is always a woman. What a cliche he is. Take care of yourself x

ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2014 17:43

What a wanker Sad

I'm so sorry you're going through this

Have you sought legal advice? Most solicitors will do free half hour sessions. See as many as you possibly can, get all the information you need.

Remember that if you seek advice from a solicitor, they are not permitted to then represent your husband. Get in there first.

thanksbutnothanks · 16/02/2014 21:13

hi op. I'm sorry you're going through this. buy as previous posters have already said, you WILL be fine!!

I was in the same sitution back in 2012. I was four months pregnant (we weren't married-had been planning on moving in together so slight difference) when he suddenly announced he wanted nothing to do with me amymore Sad

I had already given up my house to move in with him so as it was three days before move day that left me with nowhere to live. he could not have cared less though. I was in shock, big time! up until then he had been a lovely and caring partner, very attentive and thoughtful and a perfect gentleman. I also thought we had a good relationship which made it hurt unbelievably. anyway long story short-the whole time we had been together je was also seeing his exAngry

it hurt like hell. but I coped by basically cutting him out my life completely when pregnant. It was just too painful. you have to grieve. I wish I could wrote more, bit I'm in a rush atm so will try to come back at another point but fast forward to now and my life is pretty rosy. do not panic you will be absolutely fine! my exp was an absolute arse to me and so cruel. I also struggled to cope with his complete lack of well...anything! he all of a sudden didn't care that I had nowhere to live, was petrified (ds was unplanned and I didn't have a 'career' as such, a job which I disliked yes, but no career) or if I was coping/ok. but that spoke volumes about him. anyway v.little contact through pregnancy, then when ds was about 4 months he tried to rekindle our relationship fpr more than a year. I refused every timeGrin and so glad I did! I have have my career I always wanted and using my degree. I have a lovely dp who adores ds and I have my head held high that I didn't go back to that fucking wanker who treated me like a piece of shit as soon as I fell pregnant.

it won't be easy at times, do you have plenty of rl support? but you will have a beautiful new baby! Envy and although it may seem verrry scary at this moment, it will all fall into place. your ex sounds like a vile waste of space who you are well rid of. he really has done you a favour btw. it took me a loooong time to realise that with exp but it was a huge favour he did me. anyway...need to run but keep postingThanks and congratulations!

Mintymoomoo · 16/02/2014 21:31

Just wanted to say hello as I'm in a similar situation to you, my a single mother of 3 and last night I dumped my bf of 2 years because in also 9 weeks pregnant and he doesn't want the baby!

This baby was not planned and we were never going to last long term he had drink/responsibility issues etc and relationship was coming to a end when I found out I was pregnant!

I'm just so confused at the moment and worrying if I'm doing the right thing, I'm going to be a single mother of 4

Sorry I can't offer advice but I just wanted you to know you not alone

Please look after yourself and your baby xxx

Solasum · 16/02/2014 21:39

You will be fine.

I was not married, but relationship broke down eatly in pregnancy. That is still not ideal, but now my baby has arrived I really do feel like things have fallen into place. I would not change having my son for anything. Congratulations, and good luck!

dramajustfollowsme · 16/02/2014 21:55

I'm really sorry this has happened. Take time for you. You don't have to make decision about anything yet. You have to come to terms with what has happened.
You will be fine. It won't always be as hard as this.
Just look after yourself and your baby at the moment. One step at a time. You will get there.

Pantygirdl · 16/02/2014 22:04

It's hard to imagine at this point but you will get through this. You need time and space to grieve for your marriage, the man you thought he was and the future you were building.

My ex did this to me and yes there was an OW. After an initial period of trying to talk I went no contact for a few months to focus on bump and me. This really helped me focus on what my new future would be. And it's pretty awesome 3 years on!

Speak to your midwife, they refered me to a councillor which helped. It's a really shity thing to go through but you will come out the other side. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself x

threeblueducks · 16/02/2014 22:14

OP, my ex left me 17 weeks pregnant and 3 weeks before the wedding we'd been planning for 18 months.
I can promise you that you are strong enough to do it alone if you want to and that these types of 'men' add little to no enrichment to you or your child's life.
I didn't see my ex until DS was due- he suddenly got a rush of entitlement and 'parental instinct' give me strength decided he wanted to be involved, at the birth etc. So I let him, and he's been nothing but a let down ever since. I'd go as far to say the upset turning to anger was the turning point for me- I was vulnerable, hormonal and he played on that. When I realised I was able to go it alone and he in fact was making it difficult I was able to gain perspective of everything.
It won't be easy, but ensure you're surrounded by support and as PP said, speak to midwife, counsellor for additional advice. Take care.

Purpleknickers · 17/02/2014 10:18

Hi I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I think you are right to trust your instincts with regards to there being an OW. There very rarely isn't in these horrid situations.

You don't have to do anything he wants, it's all very well him saying he want to be involved but make sure that his involvement is on your terms.

Of course you will be fine, it's horrid and an awful shock and an awful lot to get your head around. Thankfully you have support from your family which is good. Do take time to get over the shock of what's happened and don't make any hurried decisions with your future.Counselling may be something you could find helpful, I for one found it useful. Be kind to yourself OP and keep posting there are many people on these boards that have experience of what you are facing.

Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 17/02/2014 19:46

Thanks for all the advice. Trying to keep contact minimal as he stresses me out. Feel hatred for him after what he has done. Doesn't care about unborn child at all. What a fool. This thread and others are showing me that I'm not alone and others have gone through this and have survived. Feel more positive every day

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 17/02/2014 21:58

OP, exactly the same happened to me eight years ago. My ex of four years left when I was 17 weeks into a planned pregnancy. He went straight to live with the OW, and chose never to have anything to do with DS. I'm so sorry, and I know how you feel.

One thing I would say is why did you move out? He should have left, so you could have the home for you and your baby.

Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 18/02/2014 06:34

Hi I left because I wanted to be around my family. Couldn't really face being there on my own. He has now extended the lease there for another 6 months. When I asked him why he would still want to live there after everything, he said it's just somewhere to live. Should've told him to leave town cos now dreading seeing him around. Also he wants to see my divorce petition before I file it so that we can agree on approach and he can pay for it. Feel like he is scared I have found out about other woman. Plan to file and pay for it myself. Want nothing to do with the fool until baby comes

OP posts: