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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

I actually hate my mil

426 replies

bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 09:17

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 12:43

And then when she starts crying when we next see her, asking why we wont see her a lot anymore just leave? It's just a continuous cycle of manipulation. X

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Jess03 · 12/02/2014 12:44

Also, you can turn your phones off at weekends. Seriously, it sounds like she's stalking you. Your oh needs help, fast, to get away from them.

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 12:47

God knows why that posted twice.
Anyway, yeah just about not rising to her manipulation I guess. Going to have to go against all my natural instincts to be "nice".
Could turn our phones off, it would solve the problem for a weekend at least! But when we see her she will bring it up and ask us why...then what do I do, lie? Make up some garbage? Or say, we just didn't want to be contacted? Cos that will start hysteria haha!
Shes such a nutter. Never thought id have this issue!

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FrankelInFoal · 12/02/2014 12:51

You just tell her that you were busy at the time and not able to take her call. If she presses you on it just repeat "We were busy" ad finitum.

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Jess03 · 12/02/2014 12:52

You've just got to say, again and again every time that you turned the phones off because you wanted to relax and then smile at her. It's harder than no contact really. If she acts up, you really do all just have to leave. Even if at your own home. Her behaviour is demented.

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ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:52

Broken record technique - works a treat.

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 12:54

I shall give it a go this weekend. Fingers crossed she doesn't start crying in the restaurant (she never does in public which tells me she has perfect control over it!) X

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JerseySpud · 12/02/2014 12:56

Rolls up sleeves So they've moved over here eh? Well they're in for a shock of a lifetime over here because unless they are earning shit loads of money life is hard here.

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JerseySpud · 12/02/2014 12:57

Oh just read that they're back. Send them back here, i'll sort them out!!

Otherwise i think that you are best off speaking to your OH about limiting time spent with them

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MommyBird · 12/02/2014 12:58

My MIL is like this. She caused us so much stress.

We dont see her anymore.

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 12:59

They come to visit a lot, they haven't sold the house (houses) they have in england so they go back and forth when suits. Dont worry, they've got loads of money. Alright for some! X

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ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:59

Aye, it's always amazing that, isn't it? Grin

Stick at it. I promise you it will get better in time. It will probably be very tough to begin with, and it may get worse before it gets better, but it will get better

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Nanny0gg · 12/02/2014 13:00

So she cries.

So what? No-one died from crying.

Just look at her pityingly and move the conversation along.

Or tell her to stop being so silly!

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 13:02

All this just makes me determined to get to Oz. I'll just have to follow your advise until I csn escape. I'll be posting again sunday night saying she gone for me across the table because I've told he "no" haha! Xx

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theresnomewithoutyou · 12/02/2014 13:05

Gives her tissues when she arrives, saying "for when you cry", roll your eyes, sigh, walk away.

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PopcornPants · 12/02/2014 13:16

My mother is very similar to this. When she cries- don't say a word, just get up and leave, no eye contact or speaking - just leave. Unplug your phone whenever necessary. Your DH could really do with some counselling right not - your MIL is really not right in the head - a serious personality disorder I think. I rarely see my mother now - twice a year at the most and the last few visits have been quite stressful. At the last visit she upset my DD age 3 by shouting, crying and screaming at me in front of her - so we left, and have never gone back. I have no plans to visit again - she doesn't even know I'm expecting DD2 soon. Bizarrely, I don't feel sad about it - just relieved and free. I have since found out from relatives that my grandmother (mother's mother) was the same so the buck stops here as far as I'm concerned - no more. No one needs that sort of parasitic relative contaminating their DNA chain.

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 13:28

If being a control freak is a personality disorder she has it. Always an argument when things haven't gone just the way she has in her warped mind. If she had her way we'd spend every spare second with them and I'd sign over my child to her. She is after all Nana as she likes to remind us constantly :)

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HesterShaw · 12/02/2014 13:30

No it's not "just" being a control freak. It is far more than than. I know posters on MN chuck the word "narcissist" round a lot, but it sounds like she is one. From what you have described anyway. Google it.

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ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 13:32

Yeah, she may be Nana but you are Mum and Dad.

Parents trump Grandparents!

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 13:41

Googled it...its like a personality profile for my mil! Ha! Scary!

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agedknees · 12/02/2014 13:41

I have had 27 years of a mil like this. Believe me yours won't change. I have had crying, sulks, manipulation, name calling (she once said to my dh that "she has made you hard" because my dh refused to do as she commanded. My dh picked her up on that.

Funnily enough it is me that gets dh to phone her. Me that buys her birthday/christmas gifts.

YANBU. You and your dh, maintain a strong united pair. Don't let her get to you. Good luck.

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ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 13:46

Beth can I suggest that you take a look at the stately homes thread in relationships? You might find it helpful. I've only ever lurked (feel bad posting as the narcissist in my family is my aunt so I feel a bit guilty about posting when others have a far more direct connection) but even lurking has helped enormously.

Might also want to consider asking mnhq to move this to relationships - it sounds like you're going to need ongoing support and they're a lovely bunch of posters

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brooncoo · 12/02/2014 13:51

Just leave if she is being nasty or toxic. I have an abusive, toxic father so I know how it can affect you. It has been very hard but we just don't put up with his shit - you really don't have to. Living 400 miles away helps of course and I would NEVER leave my children alone with him.

Do you really think you have to put up with this?

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MommyBird · 12/02/2014 13:53

I'd post in the relationships in the stately homes thread.

The advice from them is fab. I had horrible trouble with my MIL and i found out with help from that thread that she's toixic.

You'll be given advice on how to handle her.

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bethcutler13 · 12/02/2014 13:57

I will try and find that thread and have a read of it. Im nee to this so no idea how to have this moved x

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