"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Mozzchops,

Do not send her a card, she is not deserving of one. DD is right and after all she actually knows this woman too.

Hi all, I wondered if I could pop in again? Its been a little while but hopefully someone will remember me.

So I had my son 3 weeks ago tomorrow, hes beautiful and Im completely in love. I realise that hormones will have a huge part to play in how Im feeling at present regarding my family but I was hoping I could offload somewhat on here, rather than keep it going round in my head.

As some of you may remember, I don't see my family, narc mother, abusive childhood etc. When I was due to give birth my mum texted to ask if Id let her know when Id had my son. I wasn't going to, but the day after I had him I did - just a brief 'had baby yesterday, weight' and she said congrats and thanks for letting her know. At the time I thought that someone from the village letting her know Id had the baby would be a little below the belt so that's why I texted. I wish I hadn't now. In the days that followed I had cards and token gifts from friends and dh's side of the family, all very thoughtful. An acquaintance from school made us dinner one night, another baked me an iron rich cake to build my levels back up after blood loss. Its all really touched me, I don't think Ive ever experienced such kindness. My mum didn't even send a card and neither my siblings nor my dad have so much as texted me. I know Im silly to have even expected things to change but once again its stirred things up a bit and I guess the hormones are making things a bit exaggerated. It was her birthday last week, I didn't send anything, nor will I be sending anything for mothers day.

My other 2 children don't even mention this side of the family anymore, occasionally they'll ask things like why we don't see them etc but Ive been honest and explained in a child friendly way so they understand and they appear fine with how things are. I think its hard now because Im spending my days feeding and loving my newborn and I look into his eyes, wonder about his future, and yet also wonder what the hell happens for parents to pretty much write off one of their own children.

I don't even know what I want from posting this, Ive told myself that itll be my parents that miss out, not my children. I guess Im having to go through a bit more mourning of relationships that never happened, and I imagine this will keep happening as my children grow up.

Thanks for reading x

I remember you.

Many congratulations to you on the recent birth of your son .

Good on you as well for protecting your children from your birth family; they do not deserve to have any of you in their lives.

Thank you Attila Im glad you remember me!

I appreciate that life events can bring things to the fore meaning I then have to process them yet again, its tiring. Will I ever reach a point where this doesn't have to happen? Will I always feel like that neglected child? I do notice the progress I make but its slow and just when you think you've reached a point where you feel okay and you can move on, then bam! along comes something else to bring you back a step or two.

Thanks for your reply xx

Congratulations on your baby!
Nothing like newborn baby smell

I know its hard, but your children will be better off without her and you need to protect your babies.

My MIL makes everything about her. The 'card' issue is an amazing example of WHY we have stopped contact.

She chose to not send dd a card. Instead tried to blackmail us with '..i've kept them at my house for when i'm allowed to see her again..'
She was thinking of herself and being extremly petty towards a 4 year old.
She then threatened me over messages on my dds birthday. She made a day that had NOTHING to do with her, about herself.

She could of easily popped a card through the door or even posted it. To show dd that she was thinking of her. But she chose not too.

DH is choosing not to send a card because of this.

I bet any money we will get texts about how upset MIL is she didn't get a card yet there was no thought about dd.

Im not having that kind of person around my dds. Pure selfishness.

I know Im silly to have even expected things to change

Yes. you are.

(((((GuyMartin))))) My love, I know that this is harsh of me to say. Believe me, I know.

How do I know? because that same response was delivered to me MUCH more bluntly by the woman that ran the abuse group I went to when I ranted about how I'd given my mother every chance in the book to be able to offer support when my abusive relationship failed and she ran for the hills. Well actually she ran FAR further than that, she went literally as far as she could away from me without actually going into orbit. NZ.

G: 'Well that was your fault for being hurt then wasn't it?'
Me: What?
G: You have been let down by her time and time again, so why on earth you are surprised that she has AGAIN let you down is beyond a mystery. To think that she would do anything else would be completely idiotic.
Me: erm, WTF?
G: Harsh, I know, but true.
Me: Yeah, you're right

the other point you raise about having to relive this pain, over and over? Yes to that too. But each time the skin is pulled off, it gets just that little bit LESS raw.

I used to have to relive that thought that my DM and my sister really LOVED seeing me hurt, over and over again. Then the minimisation would sneak in and I'd think 'Was I over-reacting?' I had to remind myself of the expression of delight on my DSIS face when she twisted the knife and saw the bottom drop out of my world, I had to remind myself how not one call came to ever ask me how I was after the end of my 10 year relationship with DS dad, until it was a question tacked on after DM was calling to let ME know that SHE was OK after the earthquake. Or the feeling of utter disbelief that a mother can MOVE HOUSE without telling her child where she was moving to. for almost 2 weeks. yeah THAT one hurt. over and over.

Now I'm OK with it all. I called the police on my DM and her vile H afger they barged into my home and bullied me and my son before christmas and have not heard hide nor hair of them since. It's BLISS.

I don't understand it, but that's OK, I don't have to. I don't think like them, I'll never understand the way they think. hallelujah for that. It means I'm a NICE person.

i won't be getting a MD card. I have decided there is no point in attending any funerals for any of them as if DM dies, I'm not going to go to support her vile H, if her vile H dies, GOOD. One less arse that our wonderful planet is inflicted with. Oh so I'll be a TERRIBLE daughter.... but you know what, I already AM, clearly, so what's the point in trying to make them think well of me, they've had over 45 years of it and still not got it, another 45 years won't make any difference, will it.

Thanks :)

Hissy i understand and get completely what you're saying. It most certainly is silly to keep going through the same things expecting a different ending than usual. I think its due to almost a disbelief that a parent could be this way to their child, and i think things like 'why hasn't my dad/brother/sister been in touch, regardless of my relationship with my mum?'

Even more silly is the fact that even if my mum was to get in touch, i wouldn't want a relationship her because she's not v nice, nor someone i want around my kids. My parents and brother aren't good role models, and my sister is a teenager and preoccupied! I don't yet know her outlook on things.

So knowing all that, i wonder why it all bothers me so much. I get what you've said about funerals etc too, i tell myself i wouldn't go either but im not sure id be strong enough to see that through. There's so much guilt still even though i know its misplaced. I worry either of them will end up ill and Il have to tell them im not helping, and yet again be made to look the awful daughter.

I'm hoping im just having a hormone induced wobble!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

Well then, if you know you wouldn't want to have a relationship with any of them, why does it feel so hurtful that they haven't contacted you?

Crazy isn't it? :)

the longer this goes on, the more you have as an excuse to tell them that you DON'T want a relationship with them.

I won't get the "I'm ill i need your help calls' because if they come, I won't answer them. I don't care what people like them think of me.

I will feel rubbish, perhaps, but only because THEIR decisions made MY decision necessary. If the question comes 'But it's your mother/sister/whatever, and why are you not being supportive/sympathetic? I will answer Where is the sympathy that should have been felt for me? Why was I left with no support? why was I in fact deliberately harmed and hurt by the family and all stood by and watched/got off on it?

I have no regrets, no guilt. I will save my energy and thoughts for those who are worth it.

guy congratulations on your newborn :) I hope all is going well, lovely news

Like hissy i've found that the repeated neglect and the nasty comments (from my father in my case) hurts, over and over and over, only very slowly you come to expect nothing and it really does hurt less. Once you grieve and accept that in essence you have no true parent. It does, very very slowly, heal; you develop scar tissue and the lack of love becomes both expected and less painful.

The last things were that when I mailed him to say I'd been in hospital with a severe uterine infection and sepsis, given only 20% chance of the baby surviving and my own life in danger, he didn't bother to answer. 4 months later he sent me a mail which I didnt answer immediately and he rang me up asking me why I hadn't answered. Sorry, Im afraid that if you can't be bothered to answer a mail where your child tells you that they've come within a hair of loosing their baby (and this is the last chance we will have to have a second baby, took us 5 1/2 years to conceive and I'm 44) .... you really fucking don't get the right to ring up and complain when you don't get an answer within a few days to your own mail.

Still raw about that and angry several months on, I suspect that this particular incident has turned me ruthless about him at long last. how dare he try to control me now, when he is heartless and empty of humanity?

anyway, the one other thing I'd say is that it -is- probably worth going to funerals when a parent dies, if it's practical. Not for anyone else's sake but your own because for most people, saying goodbye is a rite that somehow seems to be important and the actual nature of the relationship, good or bad, seems not to matter. Saying goodbye seems to help people maybe not immediately, but in the longer term. The funeral seems to make the death real in a way for most people (there are always exceptoins of course).

Even if it's only relief or numbness you feel, or anger or judgement on her/him, it's still a formal leavetaking that closes a book that for worse or better has been deeply influential on us.

A real life narc complaining about her situation now, honestly it's laughable.

here

I saw that too Cigarettes, was wondering if it was a reverse AIBU? If not then she's one scary nutter.

I did think "whoah" when I read that thread, I would like to know what her son has to say about his mother.

Also that OP calling her son's girlfriend a "DIL" was very off the wall as well.

Calling her DIL and seeing the daughter as her grandchild ... I can, tbh, see why someone would have concerns about the relationship but sometimes things do work out well. But the poster sounds scary.

I actually thought it was a troll at first . I was staggered at the utter blinkered response from her.

When asked to go look up narc traits and see if it reminded her of anyone :-

jeff in all fairness her mum is lovely, though why DS can't leave her daughter in her care for a weekend is beyond me made me

Full on bonafide narc to the end!

Just brings home it's actually a personality disorder and nothing you say will ever change that

Yep scary shit about dgd

Hi all - happy Friday.

I tried to post earlier in the week but was on my phone and kept losing long rambly posts.

Picking up DD from DM's was ok-ish. Well I thought it was until MD came up. I said DH had plans and she said "Oh well if you'll be seeing MIL don't worry about me" and I said "no, we'd like to see both you and MIL but as DH has been away for the past 2 MDs he said he's got plans for us" and she looked a bit blank and then said "oh of course, it's mother's day for you as well these days". This whole thing was not said with any tone of martyrdom or passive-aggressiveness, but the fact that it had completely slipped her mind that that MD was something for me as well actually stung a little.

Turns out MIL is working all day and so therefore, the thought of only popping by briefly to see DM was worrying me. It would be a complete change to previous years where we've just hung out for the day, going for lunch or dinner or something etc. So DH and I said we'd take her and DSF for breakfast before we go out for the day.

I called her a little while ago and am now almost in a tizz. She sounded a bit off with shortish answers etc. I mentioned MD and said that DH has plans for the afternoon but that I wondered if she'd like to go for breakfast. She said all the right things "ok that'll be nice" etc but her tone has made me panicky. She's clearly upset about something. I actually asked her if she was ok because she sounded fed up and she said "no no I'm fine" and changed the subject.

So it would seem that little digs/hurtful things (ie forgetting mothers day for me) are said in a nice jolly normal fine tone. But the tone today has got me on edge, even though she said all the right things. I feel anxious now. That phone call was uncomfortable and I don't know why it needed to be.

I'm also getting paranoid - I've spoken to a couple of friends about it this week and have been para that my phone has called her by mistake and she can hear what I'm saying. I'm para that she reads this website.

I need to snap out of this. This kind of thing has a habit of haunting me for hours.

Am I just losing the plot?

Oh yes she is upset about the fact that she is not the centre of your universe; she wanted to be centre stage on Sunday and the fact that she is not has pissed her right off. She won't tell you outright though, you notice it through her tone of voice. I also think she is building up to do and say something really nasty to you. I sincerely hope I am incorrect but narcs can and do say the most awful things and swiftly too. She now only has to use tone to set you on edge.

Why did you call her a little while ago and mention MD again? (you should not have done that but that's by the by now; just do not do it again!). You must not ever forget that having a conversation with a narcissist is never like having a conversation with a non narcissist. Its never straight forward.

What was your friends response by the way?.

Honestly the woman does not deserve five minutes of your company, let alone a breakfast and an ongoing relationship with you and your family unit. She'll likely get some more digs in then as well.

But I have to look at you; how much more are you going to tolerate from this woman who happens to be your mother?. What do you get out of this relationship with her, ask yourself that question. I would now seriously consider curtailing all contact your child has with her too because she will use your child to get back at you.

Again, it is not your fault your mother is like this.

It's always hard this time of year around Mother's Day. I have posted here before under a different name, I can't often face thinking about any of it and just try to keep the peace with my mother while keeping my distance as much as possible.

Does anyone else struggle with their sense of their own identity? My mother is the engulfing type - I was just an extension of her and anything that I do differently gets ignored/erased. As a result I'm always struggling with: 'Who am I' and feeling like as a people pleaser I end up changing my personality to suit whoever I'm with. I actively hate this and fight to be different, as I fought to be independent from my mum. I'm never sure I'm doing something because I'm copying others or just trying to be different. How can I know what I really think about stuff?

I'm thinking about having a child soon and I'm terrified. Can anyone recommend parenting guides about healthy parenting? My mother thinks she is the perfect 'mother earth' type and when I read about attachment parenting I just see her face. But there must be a way to give love and security in a healthy way?

I called her a little while ago and am now almost in a tizz. She sounded a bit off with shortish answers etc. I mentioned MD and said that DH has plans for the afternoon but that I wondered if she'd like to go for breakfast. She said all the right things "ok that'll be nice" etc but her tone has made me panicky. She's clearly upset about something. I actually asked her if she was ok because she sounded fed up and she said "no no I'm fine" and changed the subject. I could have written that word for word...horrible isn't it?

selendra I have the same fears about parenting ... tbh despite the example of my lovely adoptive mother for 10 years, the shit that came afterwards kind of wiped out all the good templates from that time.

Ive taken a lot of advice from people who strike me as having brought up children who turned out well; happy, decent and standing on their own two feet (with the proviso that everyone needs a helping hand now and then). A lot of advice. Also observed others carefully. Thought through what I can do and what I cant do, what seems to work and what doesnt and am trying to apply it.

having moved to a different country where some of the child rearing advice is different to the UK but the people generally seem fine, the conclusions I came to were 1) be as consistent as you can whatever your rules are 2) don't smother the little one and 3) i worry too much. Also someone said here that Love to a small one is spelled T I M E.

wont know for another 24 years if our way is successful ... I admit im deathly afraid sometimes, there's serious mental illness in my genetic mother's line. I just have to keep thinking that a good early environment can be good enough to keep those illness genes switched off.

sorry, not sure how helpful that is ...

Ok, you've asked if she's ok, she said she is,leave it at that. Insist on taking her at her word.

IF she gets shitty, call her out on it and leave. Leave her at the restaurant if that's what's needed. Sod her and her tantrums.

I would imagine the ace in the hole is 'surely you're not denying me MY mother's day with my children?' with abject incredulity.

Funny how MD is only important until WE have earned the right to celebrate it.

My dm was the same, all about her, and I didn't count.

This year I'M going out with DS after swimming lessons. Not entirely sure where yet, but we'll head into town and see what we fancy.

i hope you and your son have a lovely day of it Hissy, your first mother's day when it's been for you and not her. it'll be special and I hope it's pure enjoyment :)