"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi attila I know your right. I spoke to dh about it on the way home. He is very much aware of his mums behaviour but just thinks that's just how she is. Last night we had a take away from her favourite place, if we don't get her one there is murders. Were a bit tight for cash so we just bought for us. Dh ate his straight away, then hid mine in the microwave in case she came in. Then after I had eaten removed m plate incase she came in and noticed it. Honestly? Why should you feel guilt because you are eating something ?

I've seen her with her older grandchildren. She constantly asks them if they know nana loves them. She has been given no bounderies with them at all. While their mother was at work and she was babysitting,they wanted to go macdonalds for dinner so she borrowed the money of their older sibling and took them, then told the older sibling he had to get the money of his mum when she got back in. £20. SIL was fuming. Mil apparently couldn't see what the problem was.

I feel I need a reason to justify the nc. But for a while she has kept herself under the radar. Only small things that people think I'm being too sensitive about. I know that nothing I can do will ever change her. Cutting contact is hard as she calls round most days, just walks in. If I lock door she just bangs .

Foggy you are bound to feel, just sit with those feelings and reflect on them.

It doesn't mean that anything changes, because you felt a pang. It could be that you're sad about how you 'should' be feeling.

Be kind to yourself. A sudden death - even if a person is a 'stranger' to us - is always a shock to the system.

Good2Better! Long time no see! Glad to hears you've been better!

Stay focussed, you know she's just feeling sorry for herself and looking for attention.

Remind her that she'd be perfectly able to go back to the UK if she needs a more involved social life, seeing as she steadfastly refuses to invest in one where you are...

Thanks, Hissy. I think mostly what I'm feeling now is what a waste. That whole family; Grandma and her two sons, what an absolute mess that lot always has been.

Grandma seems to be where it starts. It's like she's the source of the bile, and all the generations down have been infected by it.

Last time I saw Uncle, he made DD cry (she was about 2 or 3). Before then was a good 15 years ago at my Grandfather's funeral, when he was openly rude to me and Mum. It's always been excused as 'he's just like that; a rude man.'

So it's not like I'm feeling a gaping hole in my life. On the other hand, all the reports are that he's mellowed as he's got older, and his current wife has been a good influence.

It all just feels a bit odd.

foggy I sometimes think that when the difficult people die is almost the hardest time. You are brought face to face with what should have been and regret for the lacks. Over the weeks and months you ( well I, dont know if you're the same?) keep reassessing and the regret and sadness for what was missing keeps washing back until at last there's some sort of peace.

And it's amazing how one bad person can affect people resonating down the generations ... so easy to destroy, so hard for people afterwards to keep grasping and struggling for health. It makes me want to scream sometimes.

myriad it sounds like you're handling the situation with your neurotic and unreliable MIL really well ...

good, good luck tomorrow.

It's true, Meerka. I'm all over place. I want to be having a more normal, nicer reaction, and I'm slightly ashamed of myself.

But I keep coming back to 'Grandma must be so pissed off that he's stolen her 'I'm dying' thunder.'

She truly is a dreadful woman. He could, in a nicer world, have spent some of the last two years with his children and grandchildren. Instead the whole lot of them have been dancing around her bed, trying to keep her vaguely happy.

The nightmare close female relative in my biological family used to pull the 'I'm dying" trick for uh ... 20 years before she actually did. In fairness she really did have awful health problems but there is no excuse for jerking everyone around (including two young adolescent teens) with the shit around "you're lucky I'm still here" and "i nearly died last time I was in hospital" every 4 months. Especially when your fundamental physical system is sound, even if you are limited in what you can do.

It is a shitty, utterly emotionally manipulative trick. In the end, a usually-very-tolerant friend said to me "it's time she lived up to her words" and it was a revelation. He was right.

I hope you can find the strength to say 'goodbye' to her emotionally and then simply remain detached until she really does go. I'm so sorry for your uncle.

Thanks, Hissy. There have been some rumblings lately bout "not really coping" Said with head in hands in drama llama style. But it was over such errant nonsense that I thought it was just for my benefit. Says she's so low she's gone back on the ADs she had stockpiled and she's going to the doctor for more next week. I've been steadfastly ignoring, but so many years of dancing to her tune that a little part of me still feels that tug, that guilt. Been fighting it back and telling myself that this is something she has to sort out for herself.
Saw her this morning and for all her hand wringing, she's not that bad. I've seen her when she really did have a nervous breakdown that she was hospitalised for and she's really OK this time in comparison. OK, she's anxious but really...it's not something that a kick up the arse wouldn't solve.
The weather is gorgeous so we went to a lovely country park and I told her I thought the ADs were a good idea and hat she'd feel a lot better in a few days and that she needs to force herself to do stuff, she agreed that being out helped so I told her to make herself sit on her lovely walled patio garden in the sun and have a cup of tea this afternoon and do the same tomorrow and that we could have a coffee in the new bar in the village on Weds, by which time she'll have seen the doc.
I apologise to anyone who suffers depression if my advice to her seems trite, but I can't help her, she needs to help herself and she needs to DO something other than sit indoors watching TV or she will feel down.
There was a thing on FB recently about 21 habits of happy people and 22 habits of unhappy people and she does pretty much all of the unhappy people ones.
It's like I said when i left, if she wants she could have a really lovely life here, but SHE has to want it...I can't make it happen for her.
So I feel I've done my bit and sort of washed my hands of her and the guilt and feel great.

Ah yes, and anyone (like Hissy) who remembers my story...I've asked work for 2 days a week instead of 4 from September and I'm going to use some of that money sitting in the bank and try to get the qualifications I need to move back into translation (better paid than teaching) In the meantime I'll hopefully make up the shortfall in my salary by doing private classes or more translation and I'll see the kids more. I've been really unwell 3 times already in the last 6 months, just through working too much and studying as well, so enough is enough. I'll either end up with more translation or more private classes, but either way it'll be better than now.

It's hard, GoodtoBetter, speaking as a depressive, but you are absolutely right; the only person who can make her better, is her.

I have a lot of support around me, and it helps, but at the end of the day, I'm the one who's juggling the antidepressant and antipsychotics, and going to see the therapist, and forcing myself out. That's not to say I don't massively appreciate everything other people are doing for me - I really, really do! But if I'm not prepared to make things happen, they're not going to happen, and all the good stuff others are doing would be a massive waste.

I'll admit, I don't really understand depression and I've never suffered from it, but she doesn't help herself. SHe wallows and dramatises, always has done. She wants me to go running and fix it, and I can't. The only one with the power to make her happy is her.

I really hope the doctor can help her, GoodtoBetter, for both of your sakes.

He'll just give her ADs... there's no therapy or anything here, which is a shame as she needs some help with all the negative stuff she wallows in. Her best bet is to take the aDs and then force herself to live a good life and enjoy all the wonderful things she has here.

Yeah .... looking, I reckon that appreciating the things other people do for you is one of the ways we depressed people stop ourselves becoming unbearable actually!

good it sounds as if you're doing great overall .... it sounds such a contrast from a few years ago!

Wow, so good to know others had "Perfect Mothers" who were anything but. It's all so covert. No one would believe me if I told them how she acts towards me.

do you want to tell us, wrapdress?

I can't.

wrapdress: we would! Talk to us love! You're among friends here!

good2better are you sure she's actually taking her ADs? Have a serious chat with her about going back to the uk, to get the therapy etc help she nEeds.

It'd do you good, and her good too.

But i'm a cynical old witch, I think she's playing the depression card cos she's not getting the attention. The way she has depression doesn't match with my view/experience of it.

It's like abusers getting anger management. They manage their anger just fine thanks! They manufacture it.

That's what I think she does.

Hissy, I have no idea whether she's taking them or not and I don't really care. I very very much have my suspicions about how much she's depressed and how much she's putting on. I do wonder whether the head in hands "I'm really struggling" business didn't have the desired effect, hence the phone call about not being able to make a doc's appt "my hands are trembling, I can't type in the number" to up the ante.

She HAS suffered depression in the past and been hospitalised for it and from what I've seen of her over the last week, she's not like that now. She might be a bit down, but she seems able enough to have fun with the kids when we go out and chat about news stories, all interspersed with a bit of hand wringing and crying.

She wouldn't go back to the UK as she'd have even less of an audience than now. Because otherwise she'd have gone long ago if that's what it was about, missing the UK. It's not...it's about controlling me and living her life through me...that's why she's stayed 8 or so years even though she claims to have hated it all that time.

I'm standing back and letting her sort herself out, because that's all I can do. And it's fab to be able to do that after all these years. And you know what? That's largely thanks to MN and people like you Hissy.

wrapdress we would.

I have a mother I have been Nc with for six years but because she was openly vile, people understand.

With mil after a few biggies she flys just under the radar so people think I'm 'being sensitive ' . I'm still stewing over smart comments she made Saturday ! Talk away!

Good Monday morning to you all.

I'm half way through reading 'toxic parents' that was recommended on here and it's a real eye opener.

it is a good book isnt it? As you say, quite revealing.

wraparound if you're not ready to post, then well, we're here as and when you do feel ready. Some of us have highly dramatic experiences and some less so, but we're all experienced enough to know that some of the most horribly damaging stuff is subtle, a matter of words or how things are done. Its so easy to manipulate situations where apparently everything is alright, but those actually in the situation know that what's been said is pure poison.

So please don't worry about us not believing you if that is why you are not ready or don't wish to post. We will.

Hi again ladies!
Hope all ok :) glad you getting on with book hissy I may have to try it, does it apply to MILs?
My dh was rather nasty last night. We had a silly tiff and he said (in retaliation to me saying horrid things) that its all my fault he doesnt really speak to his mum much now and that he resents me. I know it was a silly comment in an argument but I am worried tht no matter what he is going to feel deep down anger to me because I will not condone his mental family. Its very difficult to make him feel he is not in the middle. I have maintained he can continue to see his mother. It doesn't bother me. I just do not want to. I knew when he went to see his mum he would come back feeling guilty somehow. And he did. Now I feel he partly blames me. His mum is a nightmare and is destroying is despite me having NC. Its all so subtle (as previous poster says) but causes collosal damage to our rlship :(

I just wanted to turn this over in my head and savour it a little bit (and obviously can't with DH). MIL has a new job which requires her to work weekends. She will be working every weekend unless she books holiday. I know I'm mean for savouring this - who does like working weekends? But it means the time spent seeing her is going to dramatically drop. I could offer to pop over with DD during the week to make sure she still sees her GD. I won't. I did think for a while that I should offer to do this, that I should start texting her and the rest of them again to arrange visits (I always used to, I stopped back in August after our first major fight). Then I realised, I don't have to. It doesn't always have to be me to make things work. They never bother. I've stopped trying to arrange things for 6 months now and they've never bothered asking me to come down so they can see DD, or offered to come up! And I'm happy with this. I don't care if they're not a part of my children's life, I don't care if they miss out. It's not my problem if they don't make the effort, I'm perfectly happy with the life I have, I've no need to go chasing after them. And they will miss out. It never occurs to them that it can be them picking up the phone, it always has to be other people making plans. And they'll put me down and try to make me out to be horrible for it. I'll just politely ask them why they didn't call.

GoodtoBetter,

I think you are right; I would be very cynical of your mother and I would actually keep her well away from your children as of now. They do not get anything beneficial from such a disordered of thinking person, you certainly do not get anything beneficial to you from it.

Wrapdress

I would believe you; I would encourage you to write more when you are feeling able to do so.