Am I really that bad?

[dAdDy40]

I am married with 2 great kids, My wife and I have been together for 10 years and I love her to bits.
We are mostly a happy couple but every now and then we argue and things get unbearable.

Our arguments almost always revolve around her insistence that I don't do enough to help around the house.

At this point you will probably think I sit around expecting her to wait on me which cannot be further from the truth.

I'm not claiming to be superdad or that my wife is lazy (both these things could not be further from the truth) but I have reached a point where I have no more spare time in the day to do any more and she still expects more from me.

I should probably point out that we both work full time and she is the major bread winner (she's not happy about my earnings but that's another matter)

Our sex life has dropped to once a year (It was three times that before the kids) as, according to her, if I helped out more I might make her feel more loved.

The only two chores I take no part in are ones which she insists on doing herself (I might not do them correctly).

I have no sex life and no social life either as I don't have the time to leave the house.

I know I should talk to her about this but unless I'm apologising and promising to do more it will just become another argument.

It has reached a point where I am terrified she will leave me.

any advice would be welcome I have no idea what to do besides sob.

I suppose I am just trying to get a feel for who is the person who bears the mental load of running the house. Who plans and researches, and keeps track of information?

Wrt the friends, if you know where they live and a child needs to be picked up or dropped off, then someone can just put on their coat and go get them without asking the other person for the address or directions. Or equally, if you have a list somewhere of friends' names and addresses, this means anyone can just refer to it. But if one person is asking where the friends live whenever a child needs a lift it shows whose head is occupied by more details of general family life, which is just as important as doing the actual schlepping. Anyone can drive to an address they have been given. It takes effort to remember that address.

Another thing that shows whose head is more crammed with house stuff is who asks where things are and who gives the answer. Do the children ask mum or dad where their X, Y or Z are when they can't find them? If something can't be found in the kitchen, who can't find it and who knows where it is?

mathanxiety,
the simple answer to your long list of questions is: Us
I think you are a lot like my wife. You're digging as hard as you can to find out why i'm at fault because it sure as hell cant be her.

I kind of get why math anxiety made that list. You say the main issue is the division of labour in the home, but only really talk about housework, kids, kitchen and laundry. I understand how exhausting it can feel if you are the one organizing family life. I believe there are a lot of people around who feel they do half of the visible 'work' but have no clue about the mental work required on organizing a family.

That might not be you.

I am also really worried about her lack of libido.... I suspect she doesn't fancy you. and that can lead to disrespect quite easily.

Is she on the pill? Antidepressants? These can affect sex drive dramatically, and might help you understand her better. Do you enjoy intimacy? Cuddle up close at night time, and enjoy a snuggle on the sofa?

Like others, I am sorry you are having an unhappy time. Hope you find a way to communicate with her, and enjoy each other.

Yes, it is the mental game I am talking about. Think of housework as an iceberg and you will understand.

If the answer is Us then you are overlapping each other and doing twice as much as needed.

I also want to suggest you do not want an answer to your question 'Am I really that bad?' and you are not interested in exploring that.

If you want to bring the thread to your wife and tell her what Mumsnet thinks of her behaviour that is fine but I don't think direct confrontation of this person is going to turn out well. If you want a consensus of opinion as to how wrong she is and how right you are you will probably get one as your wife does not sound to me like a person who is too warm towards you and may have some script in her head about how useless men are (she may have grown up being told this). But it will get you nowhere.

If you are interested in moving your relationship forward, you have to try to get her to engage with you on the issues, and you are not going to do that by means of confrontation and blame-casting. Just as you have shown yourself to be a tad prone to defensiveness here and unwillingness to be pinned down on details, I fancy your wife will respond the same way -- as shown, nobody likes to have the kitchen sink thrown at them. The result of such an approach to your wife will be continued stalemate.

I'm with mathanxiety here. Every time anyone asks you to genuinely answer the question, you get defensive and accuse the poster of being 'like your wife' which by implication is not, in your opinion, a good or fair reaction to the predicament.

I just ran down Math's list of questions for our own family and some were exclusively me, some exclusively DH, some we both muck in for. Why not just answer the questions? Not necessarily here, in public. Just in your own mind. There's no humiliation game going on here, but are you on MN to be told you are an angel we've never met, or to get some genuine suggestions as to why your wife might be reacting the way she does? You didn't answer my post either. It seems you are convinced your wife is wrong and ant a pack of strangers to side with you. No wnder there's stalemate.

Or am I reacting 'just like your wife'?

roadrunner, I have gone through the list and, like you, some things I do, some she does and some we both do (and some neither of us do). I'm not avoiding questions, I'm taking this all in but trying not to give too much away (I have no intention of my wife finding out about this post). I suppose I feel I'm not being believed but it's hard to trust someone you don't know. I actually Thought I'd get a much harder time posting here but I thought I'd just get 'dump her' replies on a guys forum (which I really don't want).

I'm really sorry if I'm being a bit defensive, I'm rather messed up at the moment.

Daddy, that was the reason I sought advice here originally. None of the "be more Alpha" stuff that I can't do. Like you, I was grilled a bit on some of my posts, but its all part of the process. It forced me to consider angles I hadn't previously, and raised some discomfort in my behaviour and thinking.

My situation is different to yours sort of, but thought you may appreciate another male perspective on this thread, if not on what you're actually looking for advice on!

Good luck with it all.

There's just something a bit slippery about your responses somehow.

Math anxiety was trying to help you get down to the nitty gritty - and your wife keeps telling you she's pissed off about disparity between you in terms of running the house.

It just seems like you're not taking what she says seriously and just want to take the position that she's being unreasonable and it's upsetting you.

But it may be as simple as totting up exactly what you do and exactly what she does, and making a comparison, and then adjustments.

It is a 'long' list I suppose, when you look at it.

It's not an exaggerated one though, and it's not exhaustive.

I think you are a lot like my wife. You're digging as hard as you can to find out why i'm at fault because it sure as hell cant be her.

It's often like that on here, from some posters, not all, obviously.

So what are you going to do?

If my DP had had Mumsnet ten years ago he would have written your post about his marriage. No sex for ten years and nothing he did was ever enough although he worked FT and his DW was a SAHM. He did almost everything on Maths list and more and all he got was criticism for being unattractive and annoying and lazy. He comes from a family of people-pleasing conflict avoiders and just kept his head down hoping things would get better.
Eventually his DW left him for a man twenty years her senior and is now apparently happier.

And he is lucky enough to have me now! He says he wishes he had suggested Relate and addressed things earlier as he was so miserable for so long but felt powerless to change his life. He thought that was what marriage was like with young children.
The message here is that you are not a passenger you can drive this situation if you choose to. Decide where your boundaries are and what you require from your marriage and make a plan to change things for the better. If that involves splitting how much better to make it a positive decision than wait for one of you to have an affair?

If your DW has lost respect for you for whatever reason and no longer finds you attractive she needs to own that and not just carp and blame and bring you down. Neither of you needs to be the bad person in this. You can just agree it is not making either of you happy and find an alternative way to parent your children whose needs are paramount (and include having happy parents).

Good luck OP. Many of us have been there and the worst thing is inaction!

I agree you really can drive if you are willing.

And with this too -- If your DW has lost respect for you for whatever reason and no longer finds you attractive she needs to own that and not just carp and blame and bring you down. Neither of you needs to be the bad person in this. You can just agree it is not making either of you happy and find an alternative way to parent your children whose needs are paramount (and include having happy parents).

Above all the thing to avoid is getting mired in the stalemate and being unable to think outside of that box.

Reflect on how things really are where your wife's criticism is concerned. Try to see if there is any merit to it. Putting it on paper and making really long lists can help give you clarity. I suspect it's not going to make an impression on your wife so don't do it with that intention. Try to pin her down as to details if you honestly think you are shouldering your fair portion of the load.

Neither of you needs to be the bad person in this. This is really important. If you are trying to be the one who is unimpeachable and 'right', you are not moving forward. You are very much locked in combat.