Am I really that bad?

[dAdDy40]

I am married with 2 great kids, My wife and I have been together for 10 years and I love her to bits.
We are mostly a happy couple but every now and then we argue and things get unbearable.

Our arguments almost always revolve around her insistence that I don't do enough to help around the house.

At this point you will probably think I sit around expecting her to wait on me which cannot be further from the truth.

I'm not claiming to be superdad or that my wife is lazy (both these things could not be further from the truth) but I have reached a point where I have no more spare time in the day to do any more and she still expects more from me.

I should probably point out that we both work full time and she is the major bread winner (she's not happy about my earnings but that's another matter)

Our sex life has dropped to once a year (It was three times that before the kids) as, according to her, if I helped out more I might make her feel more loved.

The only two chores I take no part in are ones which she insists on doing herself (I might not do them correctly).

I have no sex life and no social life either as I don't have the time to leave the house.

I know I should talk to her about this but unless I'm apologising and promising to do more it will just become another argument.

It has reached a point where I am terrified she will leave me.

any advice would be welcome I have no idea what to do besides sob.

CogitoErgoSometimes, I think there is some truth in that.

cupcake78, Well she certainly seems to prefer the brawn over brains when she comments on the guys on TV. I'm very emotional and flirt & compliment her a lot.

Guys on tv are just guys on tv.
I wouldn't chose a partner based on looks, and my actual sexual drive has very little to do with looks alone, as most women.

There's more than some truth. You love her to bits. You're 'terrified' she'd leave. You're grateful for annual sex. You cave, apologise and promise to do better but it's never enough. Newsflash. It will never be enough.

You say you are mostly a happy couple ... when? How can you be a happy couple when one person is as miserable as you are?

You have to choose between standing up for yourself and rejecting this treatment. 'Doing nothing' will just have your already smashed confidence ground completely into the dust.

Why,when your life as empty as this, are you terrified she'll leave you?

I'd be terrified to be stuck with her!

If you did split, you could potentially find someone who wouldn't treat you like shit on their shoe, who would appreciate the things you do, AND you'd have sex, AND be able to co-parent the dc you have, but from within the confines of a functional and healthy relationship.

Your dc won't learn how to have successful relationships from the godawful one they're witness to, will they?

What have you got to lose? From here, precious little.

If you went for at least equal residency, she might have to pay YOU maintenance.

There are a bazillion women that would be kissing the ground you walked on if all you were to do was cook a few times a week, take a turn in housework, and be there to help out here and there.

I'd almost love to inflict my ex on your dw, so she could see what a real man you really are actually, but tbh, my ex wouldn't put up with no sex, he'd have cheated on her left right and centre. He'd have told her to shove the hoover too.

Next time she says it, try agreeing with her and really listening to what she has to say.

Try saying something like:

'I know. It really upsets you and it's putting our marriage under strain. I do want to do my fair share. Please let's go through the household jobs together, make a list and divide them up equally in a way that makes us both feel happy with the outcome. And let's go out once a week, just for fun. Are you free on Friday? Not telling you what we're doing, it's a surprise.'

That would be an open and grown up way to sort the problem out and would also make her feel appreciated (unless she's one of those people who hates surprises!) Stick to the schedule you've both agreed and then you'll find out if that really is the problem or an excuse.

Sounds a bit like you are both knackered and stressed and blaming each other.

I don't think Id say she was emotionally abusive. I think she works really hard to keep the house and kids in order but she seem to think that just because she's working so hard it must mean I'm doing nothing. Whenever I try to point out how much I do she acts like I want a medal for it. I don't want a medal, I want her.

Op, do you think your wife is happy? It sounds like she is miserable and so making you unhappy too. Like being stuck in a rut. What are her confidence levels like compared to when you first met / or were newly married? Is she confident in her appearance and still dress to pls herself and you? I say this as a woman who lost herself a bit after having children and I know I made life harder for the person I loved the most, my husband. It wasn't quite to the extent you describe but I think you both need a heart to heart and rediscover your affection and respect for each other. You also need to start having some kind of pleasure / interests and social life. Good luck.

"try agreeing with her and really listening to what she has to say."

He does nothing but agree with her. That's his problem!

Maybe she does need a wake up call in that with all the work she does and all the pressure she puts on you she may end up losing you.

I personally wouldn't put up with this. She sound awful, it's know way to live your one and only life. Either stand up to her or get out before you are ground down in to someone you won't recognise.

Hissy, Leaving her is not an option. Not only do I not want to lose her, I don't want to lose the kids. She is financially better equipped to take the kids with her in the event of a split. I couldn't compete and a just couldn't bear to be just a weekend dad.

See previous posters about you claiming maintenance. These days it's perfectly acceptable to have 50-50.

Being afraid of splitting up is never a good position for a woman or a man. It leaves that person open to be abused.

"Not only do I not want to lose her, I don't want to lose the kids. "

You're making a lot of assumptions about what rights she would have in the event of a split based on her income and gender. 50/50 parenting is the starting point these days and there are plenty of good models for how that works in practice. You may benefit from getting some proper professional advice from a solicitor. Even if you never act on the information it may boost your confidence simply to know the full score.

My fear is that if she knows you would never ask for a divorce and if you carry on being submissive then she has carte blanche to treat you in any way she sees fit. Something has to change.

In my opinion Cogito has said everything that needs to be said. Enough of this victim-blaming and telling OP he needs to listen more or suggesting that he doesn't do enough housework or childcare.

Have you tried Relate or similar? I realise it is difficult when you're both so busy. We found them really good.

Agree 100% with Cogito on this one Op

MOST women are less financially equipped than their dc fathers. That doesn't stop residency being ordered as 50/50 or even more.

There is no reason why SHE couldn't be the weekend parent, or that you could share them 50/50.

You need to remove the ridiculous notion that 'leaving is never an option'

That is exactly how miserable people keep other miserable people stuck in a dead-end life, slowly poisoning any chance of their children having full and meaningful lives themselves.

Part of your job as a parent is to show your dc how to be an adult.

Look at the situation you're all in. What is that teaching them today?

How do you think you'll ever get your wife to listen to you and take you seriously? Presuming of course that she wants to, that is. I'm sceptical of that myself.

Never ever take ANY option off the table when it comes to ensuring an equal and fair partnership. This criticism of you is drip, drip, drip torture, and actually manipulative and bordering on abusive.

Call her bluff! Tell her to leave you if she thinks you're so awful!

Find your balls backbone! Stand up for yourself! :)

With what you bring to a partnership, you wouldn't be single for long!

Thanks everyone for all your help on this. Just getting it off my chest has helped a lot. I don't have friends close enough to talk to about these things so It's nice to have someone listen and care.

Your views seem to range from 'you probably don't do enough' to 'leave her' but I think I'm going to tread the middle ground. I'm going to discuss counselling with her. some people mention Relate. Are they good? or would it be better to go private? (We're pretty skint at the moment which is also causing problems) any help on seeking counselling would be a great help

Thanks again

Also see my comment on another thread about how your wife doesn't consider different points of view.

It sounds like your Wife doesn't feel in love with you. Nothing you do will change the situation st the moment. I would suggest a serious talk about it with a view to suggesting a trial separation. Maybe you both need time and space to evaluate what you both want from each other. When two people still love and desire es h other, everything else can be worked out.

I read the op thinking you were my H? - it is so similar to our situation I could see him writing this however there are always two sides to any story. If it was my H then this would be my side.

When things get bad H will help round the house for a bit and then this drops off when we haven't argued for a while. When I talk about house work he tells me I don't appreciate how much he does but wont draw up a plan to split the work so we know it's fair. Most of the time he creates more work than he contributes. He has given up on the garden and while he doesn't want to employ anyone to do DIY jobs as he can do them he never does. One that depresses me is still not done after many years - apparently there hasn't been time.

Despite me being the major and sometimes sole bread winner the whole of our relationship his work always comes first. I have had to holiday on my own with the children numerous times as he won't take time off or leaves things to the last minute and can't make it and I always end up covering holidays and 1/2 terms. We never go out together and he is out a lot more often than he would admit to.

He shouts at me when I try and bring up issues and often at the children too so I feel like I am walking on egg shells. Resentment has built up over time and I am no longer physically attracted to him and feel we don't have a working partnership either.

Recently I have talked about leaving and he tells me over and over how much he loves me and how he is scared of me leaving but apart from a little more tidying (which will probably be short lived) I don't see any real effort to really address the issues we have. He baulks at the cost of counselling even though I have suggested it but is happy to spend money on things he thinks important or his hobbies/car. He tells me if I leave I will be responsible for damaging the children but I don't think we are setting a healthy example now.

I didn't mean to go on for so long but wanted to point out the op may not really be seeing things from his wife's side. Split the chores, work on aligning your priorities get counselling, go on dates and then see if the relationship is fixable (the sex will come last) but you do need to meet your wife half way.

In answer to your question, yes Relate are good and a private counsellor would not necessarily be better (could be nowhere near as good in my personal experience). I think it's the best way to go for you, you really need to knoe where you stand with your wife and how to move forward.

Areyoumyhusband, I'm pretty sure I am not your husband but some of the things you say sound just like my wife.

How have you dealt with your problems and could you see thing from his side at all?

Daddy40 you need to man the fuck up !!!

At the moment I am trying to get the house in order so we can sell it easily if we separate. I am committed to us both having 50/50 responsibility for the children and being able to afford a comfortable if small home each. H is a decent man and despite everything a good friend to me and father to the children. If things end I hope we can be amicable eventually and put the children first.

We have agreed that this will take 4 to 6 months and in the meantime I won't make any sudden decisions. Having essentially mothered H for 10 years I have asked him to take some actions - firstly arranging counselling. As I said earlier he only agrees to this if we have a row then the next morning changes his mind as it is too expensive. I don't want to organise this, I am not his Mother and I need to see him take some action to know he is serious about saving our marriage rather than upset about loosing his very comfortable life. I will only be exacerbating the problem if I take control and arrange this too. Surely few women are attracted to a man they feel they are mothering. H thinks if we only had sex everything would be OK. I honestly don't know whether if everything changed the attraction would return but we won't know unless we sort out equality in the relationship first.

I think the earlier respondents are right in that you need to take control and action but not necessarily by following the LTB advice. While I haven't been to relationship counselling I think having a neutral place to bring things out into the open and get to the root of your problems can't be a bad place to start...I can't believe our situation makes him happy either but we can't seem to make progress by ourselves without upset or rows. If H doesn't arrange it I will go on my own to try and get some clarity myself.

Good luck, I hope you can work things out. Sorry to waffle on, I hope the reverse point of view is useful.