Thrown under a bus with MIL by DP...what to do?

[LividRightNow]

I have been with DP for 3.5 years.

I have always had a fantastic relationship with PIL. Myself and DP were a bended family with kids from previous marriages and from minute 1 they treated me like a daughter and my DCs like their own Grandchildren. I could not fault them, we all got on great and they felt like my own Mum and Dad.

Cut a long story short, my DP had a midlife crisis moment and split up with me during a very silly argument. He was stressed and very upset and just did a runner basically.

He's a bit of a Mummy's boy and ran right home to Mum and Dad, all tears and told them he'd had to leave me because I made him really unhappy and essentially blamed the entire thing on me.

So anyway, I was really shocked when it was all happening that his parents didn't support me. His Mum always told me she was so happy he'd found me. I couldn't understand it at all. They washed their hand of me like I never existed.

He came back a few weeks later, very sorry, and said he was stressed to the hilt and made a massive mistake in a moment of utter madness. We are talking, working on it and have started counselling now. Things between us are going very well. We are working out the hows and whys of why he came to this (a lot of it boils down to his other marriage issues and fears) and I feel really positive about he and I sorting it.

The trouble is, because of whatever it was he said to his Mother, she is now influencing him against me. Not overtly, but here's what I mean:

1. We went away for the weekend together to talk and work through things and he called her afterwards and told her how much he loved me and how great I'd been at sticking by him through a rough time and she said "yes, but a weekend isn't the same as living together"

!!!!!! As if in her mind she thinks I am bad to live with !!!!!

1. We are due to go away again for a weekend soon, and he said he hasn't told her because she'll only worry that he's not thinking straight.

!!!!!!!! Again, as if in her mind I am some sort of evil cow !!!!!!

I am absolutely livid.

I treated her son like a king and loved her grand kids like they were my own. The split was all down to him and his own issues. In fact, when we started in counselling he actually couldn't come up with a single thing I'd actually done that bothered him.

Yes, somehow, I feel like I have been painted to his family as the wrongdoer.

I feel like he is a bloody coward who did a shitty thing and instead of manning up to it is letting me take the fall.

It's worth saying that I really love him, he has never, ever been an arse before and I don't want to split up over this but I do want vindication.

Am I being to proud and stubborn?

How do I ever resolve it?

His family are a big part of his life, and right now I feel like I completely hate them. I am also really angry at him.

What should I do?

Thanks firesidechat, you're right. I'd be the same probably with my DCs. Mum's protect their babies I know.

If he told her he was unhappy, it's natural for her to distance herself a bit from you, to protect herself, her son, and you.
If she thinks he won't want to stay with you, then you getting closer to her would only hurt everyone more, later.

lol moto. I am reminded what my parents say about my SIL when she leaves the house.

Perhaps when she said 'a weekend is not the same as living together', she was pressing him to work things out properly and not keep fannying around back and forth, upsetting you and his DC even more. She might be annoyed that he is coming running to her and would like him to resolve his problems with you thoroughly - I would be a bit if DS came to me dramatically and said he wasn't happy, then came back shortly afterwards and said, oh yeah, about that, everything's fine.

I agree with ^^ posters - ask him what he said to her and let him know you'll be asking her how she remembers it too.

Sorry I'm still not so sure it's him or his mother.

What most Mums want is for their children to be happy and move forward. She will know him well enough to know when he's told her nonsense. She can't be that dim to not recognise that kind of sabotage.

I think a good Mum would want their son to do his best for his family, not agree with him and cast you out.

What do you think OP - if he is nervous of telling her the truth there's probably something wrong there anyway. You said yourself they think he's perfect - is he performing to them out of fear of rejection?

As I said before a decent mother wouldn't go bleating to the whole family and turn them all against you. A decent mother would want to keep the peace for the sake of her grandchildren and her son.

So, things got tough and he ran back to mummy.
He wasn't adult about it and said she hurt me, mummy.
Now he has realised it isn't so great at mummy's without the sex and wants to get his feet back under your duvet.
He doesn't appear to have apologised for what he has done or acknowledged that he has been a twat putting the blame on you when it was him.
And you want him back, why?

I think she thinks we got together and bought a house together too quickly. When we told her we were buying together she said "really, I thought you'd be slow to want to get involved again after what you went through" so maybe that's got something to do with it. Woman with three kids probably seemed like a lot to take on?

I did talk to him after work today and we're going to dinner with PILs and he said he'd talk to them with me there to clear it up. He said he didn't say anything except that he wasn't happy at home. I told him to be careful what he said in future to them because like someone said earlier they won't forgive and forget once his tantrum is over and he has friends to talk to about relationship problems instead.

With my parents I just told them we'd had a tiff so it was all easy to smooth over. He's a bit of an over reactor about everything.

I am going to try and stop caring. Previous posters were right and I was getting a bit stupid over it getting indignant.