Thrown under a bus with MIL by DP...what to do?

[LividRightNow]

I have been with DP for 3.5 years.

I have always had a fantastic relationship with PIL. Myself and DP were a bended family with kids from previous marriages and from minute 1 they treated me like a daughter and my DCs like their own Grandchildren. I could not fault them, we all got on great and they felt like my own Mum and Dad.

Cut a long story short, my DP had a midlife crisis moment and split up with me during a very silly argument. He was stressed and very upset and just did a runner basically.

He's a bit of a Mummy's boy and ran right home to Mum and Dad, all tears and told them he'd had to leave me because I made him really unhappy and essentially blamed the entire thing on me.

So anyway, I was really shocked when it was all happening that his parents didn't support me. His Mum always told me she was so happy he'd found me. I couldn't understand it at all. They washed their hand of me like I never existed.

He came back a few weeks later, very sorry, and said he was stressed to the hilt and made a massive mistake in a moment of utter madness. We are talking, working on it and have started counselling now. Things between us are going very well. We are working out the hows and whys of why he came to this (a lot of it boils down to his other marriage issues and fears) and I feel really positive about he and I sorting it.

The trouble is, because of whatever it was he said to his Mother, she is now influencing him against me. Not overtly, but here's what I mean:

1. We went away for the weekend together to talk and work through things and he called her afterwards and told her how much he loved me and how great I'd been at sticking by him through a rough time and she said "yes, but a weekend isn't the same as living together"

!!!!!! As if in her mind she thinks I am bad to live with !!!!!

1. We are due to go away again for a weekend soon, and he said he hasn't told her because she'll only worry that he's not thinking straight.

!!!!!!!! Again, as if in her mind I am some sort of evil cow !!!!!!

I am absolutely livid.

I treated her son like a king and loved her grand kids like they were my own. The split was all down to him and his own issues. In fact, when we started in counselling he actually couldn't come up with a single thing I'd actually done that bothered him.

Yes, somehow, I feel like I have been painted to his family as the wrongdoer.

I feel like he is a bloody coward who did a shitty thing and instead of manning up to it is letting me take the fall.

It's worth saying that I really love him, he has never, ever been an arse before and I don't want to split up over this but I do want vindication.

Am I being to proud and stubborn?

How do I ever resolve it?

His family are a big part of his life, and right now I feel like I completely hate them. I am also really angry at him.

What should I do?

OP, did you post when your dp left? The scenario and your writing style sounds very familiar.

Lweji, this was because his previous marriage had been very long, and very abusive. He was sad, lonely and emotionally battered when we met and he changed into a really happy person after we got together.

Oh, can't you just hear the script he has told his mum & she has fallen for it, just like you did about his ex wife. Except no you are being painted as the 'emotionally battering' one, I bet it doesn't ring quite so true.

I believe he has a compulsive need to be thought of as wonderful. He actually has this with everyone.

At your expense, possibly?
Look carefully at his behaviour about other people too.

Does he talk badly about other people, as well as his ex?

It looks like he couldn't keep his front after 3,5 years and now he has shocked you, driven you and his parents apart, and has you running after him. I wouldn't be surprised if some abusive behaviour started appearing if you take him back, TBH. Be watchful if you get back together.

And what ithaka said.

Hi op

I think the the root of the issue is it's not you as he says, but there's a bigger problem here he's identifying childhood issues which are down to them specifically his mum. I suggest there's hesitation on his part opening this can of worms, and she has sensed there's a storm coming her way about her past actions.

The thing is to deflect this from coming her way shes putting it on you, and will continue to do so unless he grows a pair and tells his parents exactly what he thinks and defends you.

I suspect you are going to be seen by his parents as the catalyst for all of this and this puts you in a no win scenario, it's time to think about your needs and where this leaves you going forward.

I wonder what the childhood issues are.
Be careful, as it could be just him blaming other people instead of taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

Also be careful that you get too worried about those little things about his mum. They are not that great, even according to you. It's more the way you interpret them, or the way he tell it, because you haven't actually spoken to her.
By concentrating on his mum your attention may be diverted from his behaviour.

I had to double check you aren't my XH new partner. He would have portrayed our marriage just like that. He was sad and battered at the end - we both were. And he had to be perfect so it must all be my fault.
Now you are on the receiving end of the blame. So he can preserve his fragile grip on perfection. So either you accept the blame and apologize and promise to try harder, or you stand back and ask him to take responsibility for his own happiness. This may mean living apart for a while.
I think there is a streak of narcissism in your DH. But equally you sound a bit quick to claim you did nothing wrong. You don't have to be perfect any more than he does. You can admit faults and move past them with a rueful shrug! I think that is more a sign of strength and resilience than the perfection that is either whole or cracked beyond repair.

She was an alcoholic. She neglected the kids. She had affairs. She ran up debts. She bullied him. I heard it from him, from his Mum and have also experienced it first hand. He stayed for the kids and had a miserable life until she finally ran off.

I am sure he hasn't lied to her per se. He's not a liar. He can just be economical with the truth.

I know him pretty well. What he would have done is to have felt really embarrassed that he was being a dick, so he'd have gone there crying and looking all hard-done-by and would have said something on the lines of "oh Mummy, my life is so hard, I am so stressed, I just can't live like this anymore"

And Mummy would have instantly thought her strong, wonderful and perfect son must be being horribly abused behind closed doors for him to behave in such a way.

I can pretty much guarantee this is what played out. Yes, since then he HAS called them and taken it back (I was in the room!) but I think as someone said earlier you can't un-ring a bell and he's now created this false impression.

He needs to go and be honest, admit to not being Mr Wonderful, admit that he has some emotional problems, weaknesses etc. and face up to all of that to put it properly right.

The bus thing is an expression. To throw (someone) under the bus is an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to sacrifice another person (often a friend or ally), who is usually not deserving of such treatment, out of malice or for personal gain.

It might just be that his DM invested a lot in her son's new relationship and she's had to rein in her feelings after he walked out on you because perhaps your relationship isn't/won't be quite as permanent and happy-ever-after as she originally thought hoped it was.

As a pp has said, you're relationship is with DP, not his mother. As you rebuild trust etc with him, aren't things likely to improve with her? Don't force it though.

OP, I am sure he hasn't lied to her per se. He's not a liar. He can just be economical with the truth.

So, do you think he has been economical with the truth when he told his mother why he'd left home and with you later one with what he'd told his mother?

to sacrifice another person (often a friend or ally), who is usually not deserving of such treatment, out of malice or for personal gain.

So you are with a man who, due to malice or gain, has done this to you and his mother??

I think pp is probably right, and I will bring it up in couples counselling which we have next Thursday and he can take his time to sort it out with his Mum because she's his problem and not mine. It just got me really upset last night and I needed to vent it out because I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable or not.

Yes Loggle1e he does do that. Have caught him a few times being economical with the truth. Not on big things, but I suppose if the tendency exists to cover your own arse to save face it is a problem.

Run.
Fast.

He needs to go and be honest, admit to not being Mr Wonderful, admit that he has some emotional problems, weaknesses etc. and face up to all of that to put it properly right.

Why, why do you need him to do this to his mother? Are you actually saying that you need him to do this with you, in counselling or otherwise, before you can forgive him? I cannot understand why the MIL is playing such a huge role.

I think the mother is being pretty reasonable to be honest. Her embracing of you and your DCs initially was a lovely gesture but pretty baseless at that stage. Your DP is her son and it's entirely understandable that he would be his primary concern. You just don't know what he did say and chances are there was a lot of truth in it, it's just not truth that either of you want to confront in the day to day of your relationship. She is right that a weekend away is nothing like living together! We all know that if the genders were reversed and a male poster was railing against the support his DP had received from her parents during a breakdown the red bunting would be strung across the thread.

I think you're over-reacting and not grabbling with the real issues. You seem pissed that the illusion of a perfect relationship has been burst and that you're now having to work through your issues. While I'm sorry but it wasn't perfect. You keep talking about your DP's need to be economical with the truth and present the best image of himself, but now you're outraged that his MIL has a poor image of you and is aware of the ugly bits of the relationship!

I think I am a bit insecure about what people think and don't want to be seen in a bad light which probably makes me as bad as he is but I wouldn't ever make him look bad to make myself look better

I just can't understand why you're so concerned about other people's perceptions of your relationship. You know if you're happy and work together or not. Or are there concerns tripping off a niggle that you're trying to suppress?

He has obviously bad mouthed you to the extent that they thought he would leave you for good.
Your issue should be with him....and his loyalties.
Is he really young?

I don't believe his Mum has issues,

But you said she's an alcoholic and neglected her children and bullies people?

I would be very wary of putting dp under any more pressure to rebuild his relationship with her. I think that she is at the root of your problems. Him analysing his complex relationship with his mother will just confuse matters further and give her more power.

It's likely that his abusive relationship with her is what made him leave in the first place. He probably thought his own family would end up a car crash like hers. I think you have to ask yourself that if he continues to try to rebuild his relationship with her he might be justifying that abusive relationship. Is that what you want him to do as the father of your children? To use their parent-child relationship as a template to work from?

Seriously I would just take his hand and run like the wind from this person.

He's not done the right thing by you perhaps but his family are probably not worth fighting or engaging with. I have seen families drift apart and sometimes it's the best thing for them. Just make sure that you keep in good contact with the members of the family you get on with for future relationships with your child.

He's 47.

Sorry horsetowater. That must have come out wrong. His Mum isn't those things, that's the Mum of his kids I was on about.

Aaahh.

But still, his family have all turned against you and you really don't know who filled in the gaps.

Good families don't all turn against someone for a spurious reason. Why do you think he doesn't want to tell them? If it's because he doesn't want them to think he's not perfect then there's something wrong right there.

And good families don't want to know why anyone's had a bustup. They help out if need be but they don't demand the nitty gritty details and prefer not to know as it's private between partners.

Also, why on earth did he end up with an abusive nasty partner if his family is so great?

OP- just concerned that you seem to have the same need to be seen as wonderful and flawless as he does - you seem to be saying that unless people think you are a wonderful mum/partner/stepmum - then it isn't as worthwhile being any of those things. You present the fact that you are doing all those things in the same way that you describe DP as justifying what he is doing -altruistic rather than self interested.

I also think no-one is perfect in a relationship and at the very least you need to consider whether your relationship could be improved- eg why did he walk out rather than talk to you? Not being able to identify a single thing that bothered him doesn't mean that the relationship was perfect.
I don't understand your need to make him go and tell his mother all his faults. His mother is never going to love you as much as she loves him or support you more and you need to come to terms with this

Look, you and your partner are having problems and he's confiding in his mother.

What he says to her is none of your business.

She's his mother and he's entitled to talk to her when he's feeling sad and upset.

His mother is perfectly reasonable to say those things to him about not rushing back to you and a weekend not being the same as real life.

She's right.

If someone I cared about ended a relationship because they said they were unhappy and it wasn't working and then very soon afterwards began claiming that it was all "a moment of madness" and "a big mistake", I'd be concerned and would wonder why they were going back to a relationship they'd left.

I'm also interested that the counsellor has asked to see your DP on his own rather than both of you together.

Perhaps she thinks that you are overbearing and that part of your partner's issues are with you?

One way or another, you can't control what he tells people about you and you can't control what they think of you.

If his mother thinks he should take a bit of time before rushing back to a relationship he wanted to end a few weeks ago, she probably has a point.

I have a member of my family who does this- who has to blameless and therefore blames everyone else round her- work colleagues, friends, even her DH. She makes up stupid excuses if she is late or has forgotten something. She will never ask for a favour she has to be telling you why she is doing you a favour one for you doing something for you.

She has damaged my relationship with her parents permanently because of the blaming and the lying because they can't believe she'd do such a thing and it's easier to believe it was me. She is a classic narcissist. Her parents are probably partly to blame as they spoilt her rotten and believed her that it was everyone elses fault- despite proof otherwise.

Unfortunately he has ruined his parents relationship with you. I can guarantee he told them a big massive story where you were the wicked witch of the west and he was a poor put upon thing because it couldn't possibly be his fault. To be fair to him most people tend to kick off about their partner if they have had a fight but if he is anything like my SIL he will have ramped it up big style. They can't help it. If you love him you could work it out but he won't change and you will have to be prepared that he will continue to lie constantly.

I would also be very wary about the stories about his past relationship. If he is a blamer it will all be ex's fault and his parents will follow suit. In my case my relation rewrites history constantly to make herself look good and her parents go along with it.

What you all said is right. Especially about me caring too much about what people think.

Whatever you do OP, don't blame your partner's mother for this.

It's incredibly tough when your children come to you with problems in their relationships and then a week down the line you're expected to just brush it under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. I should know.

Often it's not big things like domestic violence (that would be an easy one to take a stand on) but just things that make you think your children deserve better. Behaviour that I wouldn't put up with.

Your partner has obviously said some stuff to his mum that she is having problems with. It's not her fault.

Yeah he also makes up grandiose excuses tobiasfunke. I have wondered a few times if he was a bit of a narcissist. I had a friend who was one and could twist any situation into it being someone else's fault.