I just want to feel better.

[MikeTheShite]

Im trying so hard to feel better to make 2014 better but its not working. I can feel the depression coming back and its pinning me down.
I fill my days, im a single mum to dd 17 months and our dog. I go to college one day a week and just got into university.
I've had lots of threads here over the last twoish years. My partner dumped me pretty much for someone else (afair) when I found out I was five months pregnant. Everything changed, I even took him to court regarding contact and ive tried again several times but he always hurts me and I know im a fool.
yet again when I feel the depression coming he seems to sense it and we get on well.
I believe hes my soul mate and I am moving on or trying to. I tell myself he's not, I try dates I try being alone. My heart wont accept what my head knows.
I try to be happy alone, I muddle along. I have very few friends and no social life. I have a lovely mum and dad.
I can make it through the day but the night comes. Every night. I can't express the loneliness. I can't accept life like this and im peddling to change it but I miss life as it was but I dont regret dd.
I just don't understand I cannot be normal, it has nearly been 2 years.
As much as everyone says time, youll meet someone else yada I don't want to because my judgement must be awful but I am lonely so very very lonely and right now I know im tired so tired but I cannot sleep and theres no one to talk too and I needed to get something out so ive posted here. I know its ridiculous its been two years and I need.to stop bugging everyone with this I feel like a broken record.

I am so so sorry

Of course not! This is excitement you are feeling, as this is a wonderful opportunity for you. Read the details and maybe go and visit to look round and get a feel for the place. If it sounds right then go for it!
Worse case you don't get it and learn from the experience. Best case you get your dream job and a chance to have a really exciting career and give your DD a fantastic role model.

thank you for the speedy reply.

im just wondering what the reality of being a lone full time working parent, likely to be shifts is, because im clueless

It's not easy working full time and being a single parent Make, I can't lie to you, but if you can get good childcare and good support from your parents then you can do it.

You have to at least try for it don't you? Nothing ventured nothing gained. If it's your dream then shoot for the stars.

Thanks skye.
I just hit send!
I think my parents would be hugely disappointed if I took it tbh.

It may not be doable with a young child, but if you don't look into it, you will never know. At least if you look, but decide it's not for you , you won't have the regrets of wishing you had.

yes skye, thank you for putting it into perspective for me skye. very helpful x

Might not be possible in your field of work but I know some women who go for jobs in my field and then explain they want part time. Just a thought...

Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Well they've acknowledged my email application.
They said person specification and job hours will be sent by email if your shortlisted for interview stage

skye please may I ask (as I know if I get this job our hours may be similar and we are very similar) do you manage financially?
I really really hope you dont find that rude x

It would be hard to compare because I am self employed and my earnings vary so much, but I get by with what I earn and tax credits. But each time I earn more, I lose in tax credits, so my income went up £20 a week, I lost £25 in WTC! so I was actually worse off for working harder....

I manage financially by paying all bills on monthly direct debit, by limiting what I spend on food and by going without stuff for myself in order to have a bit of a social life.

It's not easy but I get by without too much difficulty nowadays.

Thank you skye. I really appreciate that

I've been talking well replying to online plenty of fish messages and ive somehow manage to agree to a date tomorrow night.
I seem to already be thinking of excuses as I can feel the anxiety and panic rising.
I just dont know why.
I just feel more comfortable with people I know and trust. Like comfy slippers, I like mn though but if it came to meeting id still feel how I do about the date.
It makes no sense

It is nerve racking meeting somebody new. Just relax and have a good time and if you get on, you can arrange to meet again, if not, then it's all good experience for the next date.

Even though I met my bloke in the local pub, I didn't really know him, so it was nice chatting on the phone every night before our date. It was like internet dating, but just happened to find him in the pub rather than online, lol.

great advice as always x

well he cancelled half hour before meeting!

oh dear. what reason did he give for cancelling? are you going to meet him again?

He was tired.
No chance im rescheduling I wasn't that up for going anyway

I got declined- not even a interview!

then it is obviously not meant to be at this time in your life. Be very proud of yourself for going for it in the first place :)

your right skye, keep on the path im on