I just want to feel better.

[MikeTheShite]

Im trying so hard to feel better to make 2014 better but its not working. I can feel the depression coming back and its pinning me down.
I fill my days, im a single mum to dd 17 months and our dog. I go to college one day a week and just got into university.
I've had lots of threads here over the last twoish years. My partner dumped me pretty much for someone else (afair) when I found out I was five months pregnant. Everything changed, I even took him to court regarding contact and ive tried again several times but he always hurts me and I know im a fool.
yet again when I feel the depression coming he seems to sense it and we get on well.
I believe hes my soul mate and I am moving on or trying to. I tell myself he's not, I try dates I try being alone. My heart wont accept what my head knows.
I try to be happy alone, I muddle along. I have very few friends and no social life. I have a lovely mum and dad.
I can make it through the day but the night comes. Every night. I can't express the loneliness. I can't accept life like this and im peddling to change it but I miss life as it was but I dont regret dd.
I just don't understand I cannot be normal, it has nearly been 2 years.
As much as everyone says time, youll meet someone else yada I don't want to because my judgement must be awful but I am lonely so very very lonely and right now I know im tired so tired but I cannot sleep and theres no one to talk too and I needed to get something out so ive posted here. I know its ridiculous its been two years and I need.to stop bugging everyone with this I feel like a broken record.

I am so so sorry

I'm just fustrated as it's been so long and really I have nothing to moan about im lucky I just cant get over it all.
I begged for a doctors appointment today but dont think he will take me seriously as he is new there x

Two years is nothing when you've suffered a trauma such as you have. And even if you have an outwardly good life, it doesn't make you immune from depression. I'm sure a good doctor will take you seriously.

Im in a similar situation and I know its bloody frustrating, still feeling hurt about something after so long.
You feel like you cant talk to people about it anymore and that there must be something wrong with you because you are not over it already, I almost feel like I must be a bad person for this to be happening to me because nice healthy people are able to move on by now.
Its also been nearly two years for me.

Right now I am thinking of it as beign the same process of loss and recovery as Iv, or anyone else, has gone through, but for whatever reason its taking a bit longer.

Would it help to think of it this way?

chychon that's just how I feel and im going over and over my life wondering what I've done to deserve to feel like this.
I am so selfish because I have a beautiful toddler but im stuck in a rut with her almost. I have to be a sahm until uni and I hate it. How selfish is that? how many women must envy me and render me ungrateful.
I am sick of hearing oh youll meet someone and be a family people do.
well no I wont because its not the life I wanted, those dreams have gone. There shouldn't be or I shouldn't be finding another man that wants to tuck my daughter in bed at night because that isnt ever what I hoped for or wanted nor what I want to define me.
Im trapped by my own life and it's suffocating and I can see how selfish and ungrateful I am I really really do. I just want to smack myself before someone else does!

Saw a new doctor and he was fantastic. he totally understood and spoke to me about everything on this thread.
Changed my medication to restart it and sleeping tablets for when I really need them. counselling when I feel ready and I have to go back next week

Many of us have been there Op. It's just a case of persevering and remembering it can't / won't feel quite so bad forever. Everyone says it because it's just true.

You will feel bad forever though if you keep thinking he's your soulmate. He's not!!

I know my head is right that he's not but nothing else agrees x

You're not alone . Really, head and hearts don't always listen to each other and work at different paces. Your head will catch up soon. I totally sympathise with the 'soulmate' comment. (5 months on and my stoopid pathetic heart is still waiting for my exp to 'realise what he's lost'). It's a case of plodding on. Well done on talking to your GP. Good luck

Great news about the GP. My friends and I do cinema nights. We put all the kids in their pjs, make lots of popcorn and put a DVD on. We then open a bottle of wine! It is hard as everyone seems to be in a relationship. Once you start uni you will make lots of new friends / it is a fab opportunity.

Remember, you're doing all the right things. You will get there.

I have nothing to say to make you feel better I hope that talking to your doctor has helped even if it's just slightly. Sending you lots of hugs I hope things look up for you. Can you make friends at college? I made some really good friends at college, don't see them now but that's beside the point haha x

These things help me when I am lonely and low. Getting into a good auto biography. Sewing patchwork. Make an heirloom? Get a good box set DVD.
Paint by numbers.
Anything to focus the mind elsewhere. It takes much effort sometimes.
I empathise. Going through much the same. Waking early and negative thoughts.

Hugs to you. X

Thank you ladies for the support and empathy it has really helped alot.
I gave myself a good talking too last night and have accepted that im having just a blip right now. I will get back to how I was doing I just need a hand.
I am taking it easy for the next few days and not pushing it just nice times with dd until my meds kick in.
Friends have invited me out on Saturday and I know I need to go but am getting anxious already.

You should go if you feel up to it, it's surprising how much better you can feel just talking to people. Sounds like you're feeling a lot brighter today x

Thank you.
I just feel so very confused. I just don't know what I want let alone need tbh

Hello Mike found you, hadn't seen you post in a while.

Have read this thread, so sorry I didn't see it earlier. Lots of kind MNers stepping up to contribute, am relieved you found the new doctor nice to talk to.

In all your threads I have never thought you were self-pitying or anything like you said here.

Keep posting.

Hi Mike - I have been looking out for a new thread by you, but had missed this one. I have been there since the start of your threads and you have come so far, you know you have. Life with a small child can be very isolating, but it does get easier as they get older.

I hope that you are feeling a little better. You know that I also thought that XH was my soulmate, but his very behaviour has proved otherwise repeatedly.

I hope that the medication is working a bit by now and that you are starting to come through this again.

It is very true, in that you need to love yourself before you can love anybody else. You know that I have recently started to see Mr X, but I still have lots of feelings of doubt and feelings that I don't really know what I want. Part of me still feels numb and shut off from being able to share with anybody else.

When these men do such a number on us, it is very hard to get through it and past it.

If you can fill your time with nice things for you and DD and build yourself a full and happy life, then you will meet somebody when the time is right. I feel able to spend time with Mr X and feel happy when with him, but still enjoy the nights that I am on my own as I now enjoy my own space.

Did you go out with your friends on Saturday night?

Thank you.
I feel better during the day, less snappy. Still in a rut but addressing it. A family member is coming to stay next week and DD is away for a long weekend.
As usual i have zero plans and have exhausted most avenues truing to create some.
The evenings are still dismal I have rediscovered the joy of reading and as my medication is a sedative type I take them about eight and they nock me out.
Seems somewhat like masking the problem but addressing it still.
I hope everyone is okay

Mike have you looked at the Gingerbread.ork.uk website, also Netmums for your area? I know it's a lottery trying to get to meet parents of a similar age in the same boat. It's tough when friends aren't responsible for a little one and can't relate to your situation and money's in short supply.

You've come a long way in the past 12 months. I realise it must feel like a grind and raising DD and studying doesn't give a lot of scope for just letting go occasionally and thinking of yourself for once. That's not being greedy or unreasonable. From that perspective yes it looks mightily unfair your life has stuttered while his lordship carries on through life wreaking havoc. Your head will tell you one thing, your heart another but that message will get through.

How did it go last Saturday night, did you see your friends?

Keep treading water Mike you don't know what's round the corner but you have got this far. You'll gradually have more time when DD starts nursery and later on school.

thanks for the support
I checked both but we have nothing in our area but I have found a Wednesday baby group and we already do one on a Thursday and friday. Its not the days iyswim.
Oh yes last Saturday night we did go out but I enjoyed getting ready more than anything. It was rather dismal in town, full of stroppy teenager types. We all felt the same mind and took it in good humour.
I found it hilarious that DD played up the grandparents and was still up at midnight when we got home. They informed me and said friend that they didn't ring as didn't want to ruin our night. we informed them we wish they had rung so we had an excuse to throw the towel in sooner and head home with wine and a takeaway.
Said friend has sadly had to.move now three hours away to a new job

I know that feeling well. if you go clubbing in the nearest town which is 20 miles away, its full of kids! I know you are younger than me too so they must have been young

I think life will get much better for you when you start that Uni course. You will meet new friends and get a better social life too hopefully.

Glad you gave it a go. Getting ready and the buzz of anticipation was often better than nights out. It's a shame your pal has to move away.

I know you had different dreams and having to re-adjust isn't easy. This is going to sound so fake but "this too shall pass". DD is such a priority in your life but you are not going to be in this situation forever.

Solid and genuine friendships are waiting for you and DD. I don't know you in RL but you seem to be a caring, rounded personality, down to earth type of person.

Oh Make l wondered how you were doing and l am so sorry l missed this thread.
Sit tight. Focus on this university course. It is what you want to do, you will meet loads of new people and have a better social life, DD will thrive having a happier mummy.
Your ex is a twat. However sometimes it takes a while for out hearts to catch up with our heads especially when you are bored and lonely.
One day you will look back and see these times as the start of the rest of your life.

Better time are around the corner. You know how to contact me...

Thank you everyone for the kind words I hope your okay doha

hello everyone I hope everyone is okay. I just wondered if anyone could help with a decision.
I know im in at uni but a job has just come up for a equine vet assistant at one of the top clinics in the south. Its due to run until September with a view to staying on to do a vet nurse degree in equine.
here's the thing:
before I knew about dd I was applying for jobs like this left right and centre it is a dream job.
I have emailed them asking for the in depth specification and salary.
Im thinking of applying, its CV and covering letter.
I need some confirmation if I am indeed going mad?