Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not interested in us, had enough

96 replies

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 09/02/2014 08:34

I've just had enough of him detaching from the family.

Yesterday he watched football, then played online football so was upstairs for 3.5 hours while I watched ds (who is going through a very demanding stage and has dropped his nap).

I was getting really annoyed at ds as he kept climbing up on the sink, he could hear me getting annoyed but didn't offer help. I went upstairs and said can you please give me a hand, you're never interested in ds. He was sitting on his phone :/

Earlier in the morning he sat on his phone, I asked him to play with ds as he hasn't hardly seen him all week. Aren't fathers supposed to want to play with their dcs?!

It then escalated and he got really angry and aggressive at me for having a go at him for not being interested and locking himself away.
He shoved my arm to get past me, said he'd push me down the stairs if I didn't get out of his way (I said I wanted to talk), smashed my grandmothers plates in the sink :( told me he had to or it would've been my face instead. Called me lots of names including premenstrual bitch (cheers but I'm not).

Not once in 14 months has he said 'I'm going to take ds to the park/for a walk/etc today' I have to suggest it. I have ds full time and need just half an hour to myself on the weekend or feel like ill go mad.

I'm taking ds to my dads today for a nice day out and to get away from him.
I think he's depressed, he's very withdrawn and just wants to play games or watch football/play on phone. He's so emotionally unavailable but has been from a couple of years in. It's soul destroying.

Just needed to write it out really as I'm feeling very down.

OP posts:
Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 09/02/2014 18:41

I know I can do this. I have some savings put away for this reason. I'm going to look at flats tomorrow. What else do I need to do. Feel lost

OP posts:
newlifeforme · 09/02/2014 18:42

You poor love, you and your son did not deserve this.Break the cycle and leave.Can you tell your dad?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2014 18:44

If it is safe for you to do so call Womens Aid. Gather all paperwork also for you and your son; things like passports, birth certificates, bank statements etc. Keep yourself safe; your safety is of paramount importance here.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 09/02/2014 18:45

Pack a bag and go to your parents.

He isn't depressed. He is a selfish, violent bully who doesn't give a shit about his child and cares even less about you.

PeppermintPasty · 09/02/2014 18:47

I recently split from my partner of 13 years (4 months ago), and I just want to say this: On my own I do all the work, all the practical household stuff, and the childcare(he was sahd). However, I am a lot happier (amazingly so!), because there is no resentment, he is not here for me to get pissed off over the (large) amount of things he didn't do. Yes it's hard work, but you just have to do it on your own.

It seems an obvious thing to say, and it was partly the reason for me stalling over finishing with him-that I'd be swallowed up by all the stuff I would have to do by myself. But I really haven't felt that. What I've felt is blissful peace and huge relief that my children and I are in a happy home.

minkBernardLundy · 09/02/2014 18:49

Firstly, I am sorry you are going through this.

He is a nasty, abusive bully.

Well done for deciding to look at flats.
Please do contact WA to get some help a d support. they are there for situations like this. you May find the Freedom Programme helpful.

I hope you find a great flat. anywhere will be better if he is not there. stick to your guns.

Good luck.

And if there is any help you need with planning etc. keep posting you will get great advice here.

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 09/02/2014 19:08

Thank you all. Means so much.

Just put ds to bed, poor lamb. He doesn't deserve this :( we will be fine though. He's in his room. I've got all my documents together.

Guess ill go flat hunting tomorrow

OP posts:
minkBernardLundy · 09/02/2014 19:09

peppermint Thanks so true. it is easier to do everything yourself knowing there is no one else to do it than to live with someone who pisses you off by sitting on their lazy arse letting you do everything.

minkBernardLundy · 09/02/2014 19:12

He doesn't deserve this BUT it is not your fault. the option you would have chosen for him- a happy loving fAmily with an attentive dad is not on the menu you have been given.
so you have to choose from.the options you have.

Leaving and making a good family by yourselves is the best choice available to you and he is lucky to have you to make it for him.

Stay strong.

ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2014 19:17

Why should you be the one to go? Why can't he pack his clothes and gadgets and fuck off?

Please tell as many people as you can about what is going on. This is not your fault Sad

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 09/02/2014 19:27

I'm wondering if he should go but he pays all the rent, I would have to claim housing benefits. Plus I'm quite far from family, If I were to go I would move somewhere smaller and closer to my family. This is a 3 bed and rent is quite high I wouldn't need that

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2014 19:30

Could he go somewhere temporarily until you find somewhere?

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 09/02/2014 19:47

I guess he could go to a friends or something. Things that will need doing keep coming into my head, there's a lot to sort out

OP posts:
Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 09/02/2014 19:58

I feel so upset and angry. I do everything for him and ds, always think of him, plan things I'm a good kind person. I don't deserve this.
Couldn't he want to fix things even for ds? I never wanted my children to have parents split up, I know it's not the end of the world but couldn't he try and make things right for ds.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2014 20:23

(((Hugs)))

Have you tried writing things down? Might help to reduce the number of thoughts running through your head?

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 09/02/2014 20:28

I might do that fox thank you

OP posts:
tantrumtime · 09/02/2014 20:33

I could of written that post a few months ago. I left the twat and couldn't be happier.
You wouldn't be like that with him so why can he be like that to you?

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 10/02/2014 08:12

Thanks tantrum, glad you're doing better.

Does anyone know about maintenance? How much am I entitled to as I would need it

OP posts:
KouignAmann · 10/02/2014 08:44

Look at entitledto.co.uk to see what you would get in benefits, and come on over to the EA Support thread for some gentle hand holding from kind ladies who know what this feels like.

You are doing the right thing and you will feel so much better very quickly away from this selfish bully.

KouignAmann · 10/02/2014 08:46

Maintenance would be at least twenty percent of his income for your DS. You need legal advice over spousal maintenance if you are married.

lookingfoxy · 10/02/2014 08:46

Sorry cant do links as on tablet but type in child maintenance into google and it should be something like www.gov.uk calculate child maintenance.
you should get other benefits as well I think if you googke turn 2 us it gives you a good picture of what your entitled to.
Just focus on the future and being in your own lovely home with your ds and family closeby. I have a feeling that you will be less stressed looking after your ds on your own with your 'P' out the picture.

tantrumtime · 10/02/2014 08:47

Seriously, he won't change and you need to get out. He sounds a lot like my ex. Yes it's hard work and you will feel guilty for leaving but ultimately you and DS will be better. My DC were 2.5 and 10 months I thought it would be impossible but it's great.
Like the previous poster said go on entitledto and the tax credits calculator on gov.co.uk, you will be fine and best if luck x

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 10/02/2014 08:48

Thank you. He's acting completely normal this morning after telling me to get out yesterday (who does that to the mother of their baby?) feel so alone. I know I need to call my mum and tell her I need her help, my sisters gone away for a few days :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 10/02/2014 08:50

Do you think it will affect ds? He's a very 'spirited' child and loves his dad :(

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 10/02/2014 08:55

It will affect your ds far more to stay in this environment with 2 miserable parents than to be brought up by happier parents albeit apart. You need to look at the long term picture.