He's not interested in us, had enough

[ateddybearfromdelaware1]

I've just had enough of him detaching from the family.

Yesterday he watched football, then played online football so was upstairs for 3.5 hours while I watched ds (who is going through a very demanding stage and has dropped his nap).

I was getting really annoyed at ds as he kept climbing up on the sink, he could hear me getting annoyed but didn't offer help. I went upstairs and said can you please give me a hand, you're never interested in ds. He was sitting on his phone :/

Earlier in the morning he sat on his phone, I asked him to play with ds as he hasn't hardly seen him all week. Aren't fathers supposed to want to play with their dcs?!

It then escalated and he got really angry and aggressive at me for having a go at him for not being interested and locking himself away.
He shoved my arm to get past me, said he'd push me down the stairs if I didn't get out of his way (I said I wanted to talk), smashed my grandmothers plates in the sink :( told me he had to or it would've been my face instead. Called me lots of names including premenstrual bitch (cheers but I'm not).

Not once in 14 months has he said 'I'm going to take ds to the park/for a walk/etc today' I have to suggest it. I have ds full time and need just half an hour to myself on the weekend or feel like ill go mad.

I'm taking ds to my dads today for a nice day out and to get away from him.
I think he's depressed, he's very withdrawn and just wants to play games or watch football/play on phone. He's so emotionally unavailable but has been from a couple of years in. It's soul destroying.

Just needed to write it out really as I'm feeling very down.

"My stepdad was violent and sexually inappropriate to us. I actuality said I've found someone just like him to my sister yesterday. Fucking laughable, really".

But you do not have to stay within this at all. You still have and do have a choice, you are not altogether ppowerless.

That's exactly what I meant; your own mother and stepdad showed you an appallingly dysfunctional example of family life so it is not altogether surprising that you married someone who is inherently violent and probably has a not too dissimilar background.

You may well leave in a few months (I doubt it though because by then it will have blown over) but in the meantime you and DS in turn are still being subjected to his abuse of you. Your son likely heard your plate being smashed and harsh words being spoken; sound travels. What is wrong exactly with leaving NOW?!. Honestly you and DS would be better off now in a refuge; at least you would be safe there from him.

What sort of childhood do you want your DS to have?. Yours was abusive but the cycle of abuse that has happened and continues to happen to you can stop with you. You still have the power to give your son the life that you and he both deserve; a happy one free of violence and abuse.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

I don't think I change my behaviour, I am very strong minded and stand up for myself, hence why he gets so annoyed. He used to have physical fights with his mum when younger.

You're right about no family role model. He never suggests stuff to do. I think he would happily spend every weekend in his pjs dossing around. I want to go out and explore with ds, show him the world.

X posts. I want my ds to be happy. I don't want him to be around arguments like I was.

But I'm torn. I remember my dad not being around and it hurting so much. I don't want him to grow up angry or sad that we aren't together :(

I think you need to read your own posts. Would you want your ds to be happy watching his df threatening his dm on a regular basis and then growing up to do that to his wife and child?

I don't want him to grow up angry or sad that we aren't together

So instead he'll grow up messed up that you ARE together and he sees his mother miserable because of how she is abused by his father.

Your mother is right.

Not about "not causing fights" but about the fact that it's time for you to split up.

If he's not interested in family life, then he'll be delighted, surely?

You can't change him and 'depression' is no excuse for his behaviour. What will happen if he goes to a gp and is diagnosed and treated for his perceived condition is that he will now have a valid excuse (in his mind) to continue behaving the entitled way he already does. The only person that can make a change is you, and you cannot change him. You need to decide whether he is overstepping your boundaries and whether you are happy to accept this for the rest of your life, and probably it will escalate and become worse. He is detached and he doesn't care, he is coasting through fatherhood and his relationship and sees no reason to do things differently. He is aggressive when confronted and you said yourself prone to physical action, breaking your prized possessions and as he is used to fighting with his mother (?!). This is no life for you or your child. This behaviour will teach your son how to treat women, and arguments are very damaging to children.

"X posts. I want my ds to be happy. I don't want him to be around arguments like I was"

Good but he already is seeing and learning from you both already at home. He's already heard stuff being smashed, raised voices and angry words.

"But I'm torn. I remember my dad not being around and it hurting so much. I don't want him to grow up angry or sad that we aren't together"

It was not your fault either that your mother and father could no longer live together. Its not his fault that you and his dad can no longer be together, you have to be the adult here and teach your son positive lessons about relationships. You have to show your son that abuse cannot be ever tolerated in a relationship. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Look at it this way as well - your son has to follow your lead, this is why I say you have a choice re his Dad. If you were to choose to stay within this your son will not thank you for doing so and if you were to say to him, "well I stayed because of you" he will frankly call you a silly cow for doing so. You run the risk of wreaking your own relationship with your son in such circumstances because he will feel that you put him (his rotter of a dad) before him as your own son.

Look at what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up; surely you do not want the same repeated here. Dysfunction like this can and does go down the generations but it can and should stop with you. You have it within you to leave this man.

Join I said that to him, he can live alone and act like the teenager and play games all day. Sad. He's said before that he doesn't think he should be with anyone. I think he's right. He doesn't bring much to the plate. Doesn't cook, ever. Sex is rubbish and one-sided. Someone posted this week about her partner 'jabbing her with his fingers' and looking bored, summed up foreplay for me, if I'm lucky to get that rather than just shoving it in :(

summer he said he would look into counselling, hasn't happened. I guess there's no motive too.

Attila you speak very wise words and it all makes perfect sense. He is coasting through this. Minimal effort in every area. He puts a lot into his work, that's the one area he dedicates himself to. He pays the rent and some bills but as I'm off work now for ds my overdraft is spiralling. There's just so many shit areas in my life. Don't know where I would be without ds

My mum is not interested in me or ds either, not emotionally. Never calls to see how we are or pop in, really upsets me as I feel everyone in my life isn't interested

Don't let it "blow over" OP, married life really shouldn't be like this. Unfortunately, you never got to see what a healthy relationship is like when you were growing up. Please don't let that happen to your little boy.

Please get out and make a happy home for you and your DS. Call Women's Aid they know how to help. Then get some counselling to help you deal with how your childhood experiences have led you to choose a man like this and then you will be able to look for the healthy relationship you deserve.

There are a lot of good men out there. You and your DS deserve to have one in your lives.

And I second not letting your DM get involved. She does not seem to know what a healthy marriage is. If my DH had been behaving like this and I told my mum, she would have to be restrained from breaking his legs! And she would tell me to move in with her. Immediately.

so why are you with him OP? He is a rubbish partner, offers you nothing emotionally or physically, terrible role model as a father - not to mention the abuse.

Please don't blame his behaviour on depression or his awful childhood - he is like this because he is an abuser - don't minimise or excuse this man any more.

Why don't you deserve to be happy and safe? Because if you stay with him you and your son will be neither of those things. You need to call Women's Aid today.

:(

You sound such a great mum. Your ds needs you to be happy. I think you and him would be fine on your own. Make your own happy family unit without your dh dragging you down. You can do a lot better in life...

So he's not supporting your child either if you are getting into your overdraft but he has money for drinking and football.

This is getting worse.

No, it's not good. He's doesn't drink or go out much. Actually told him to go out last night for his friends bday and he wouldn't.

He went away for a week and I managed. Less tidying up and cooking to do.

I torture myself with 'what ifs' and 'should haves' :( I met a lovely guy a few years ago who really liked me. I don't know why I didn't leave to be with him, I got pregnant instead :( he's such a nice guy with a lovely family who all love me too. I dreamt about him last night. He's so affectionate and caring and selfless. Why didn't I feel I was worth that? Why did I stay with p? I kick myself everyday. :( nothing physical happened. He's now got a lovely girlfriend, of course, which he deserves.

I've booked a city break for next month too, great.

Go to your dads and stay there

You are worth so much more than this

You regret not leaving a few years back. You made a mistake then. Don't make the same mistake again. It'll be easier to leave with one small child than when he is older or than when another dc comes along.

You are worth much more x

Well I'm back from my dads, had a lovely day but couldn't say anything to him. First thing he asked was where's P and he was really looking forward to seeing him. Then my dstepmum was gushing about him, just didn't seem appropriate I guess. I wish he was all those things all the time and didn't have this side to him. :(

mamma that's the joke, he keeps talking about having more dc

Well I guess that's it.

Came home and he's sitting watching football. I have to do ds dinner after driving for an hour. Had him all weekend. I lose it when ds grabs my hair and is crying and say 'I can't do this anymore I'm tired and haven't had a minute to myself all weekend' while upset and tearful. He doesn't react or get up to help. He instead says 'so you told your mum you're thinking of leaving, when are you going then' and got aggressive. Came and said it again, how quick can you get out? I'm in pieces, anyone there

Whenever I'm down he kicks me further

You can dig yourself out of the hole he has dug for you and you can get out of this abusive relationship.

You have a choice teddy, make the right one now for you and your son. Leave this awful man behind. You and your son will be a lot happier without this person in your day to day lives.

Womens Aid can and will help you as well. There is nothing left for you to save here.

And when you are away from him you need to really dispel your dad (and stepmother's) romantic visions of this person as well. Abuse thrives on secrecy.

Thank you for replying feel so alone